Newbies

For those of you JUST getting to this blog...PLEASE scroll all the way to the bottom and work your way up. OR...if you don't want to read that much, feel free to jump around. But don't judge the blog on the first few entries please! At the end of it's life...this blog was just an outlet for me to post things. Before it's end...it DID have some depth...so please read it! Thanks for stopping by!! ~Mare

Please come by the NEW blog at Flavorful Randomness With A Hint of Reality Bitten. I think you guys will find it HOPEFULLY as much if not MORE enjoyable than this blog. Thanks so much to those faithful readers who stuck by me and read along all my ups and downs. I look forward to seeing you over at Flavorful Randomness With A Hint of Reality Bitten! Love to all as always ~Mare

Oldness

Lately...I've been feeling OLD. Not like, little-old-lady-hobbling-to-the-store-for-her-senior-discount old, but like...feeling-my-age old. It all started with listening to the CLASSIC rock station with G and hearing TONS of songs that were popular not too long ago. At least, I feel like it wasn't that long ago. I mean, Counting Crows, Stone Temple Pilots, Red Hot Chili Peppers, & Soundgarden aren't OLD are they? But then there's the fact that I realized I met G when I was 19 years old...and next month I'll be 26! I'm passing the halfway point of my twenties, on to *ahem* THIRTY! And G will be 30 in January. (Sorry, Babe!) Not to mention, my mom has recently reconnected with old friends from her old work here in Birmingham...and these people had children that I BABYSAT...and now they are in COLLEGE....and HIGHSCHOOL! And my BABY SISTER is a SOPHOMORE!!!!!!!! What is wrong with this picture?!? My baby COUSIN...even if she IS only a few months younger than me...has been married for FIVE YEARS! My other cousin...we used to go out every Thursday and Saturday night and dance the night away at the clubs...trying to hook up with as many guys as humanly possible. Now she's married with a baby GIRL! Not only do I feel OLD...but I feel like life is leaving me in the dust. I mean, don't get me wrong...this past year and a half has been WONDERFUL for my spirit, and I couldn't have become the woman that I am if I was married...or had children. So, in a way, I'm thankful for the path my life has taken. But here I sit...no career...no college education...no husband...and no kids. And none of that is looking like it will happen in the near future. But hey...every single one of those things COULD have happened...if I hadn't been lazy...or maybe if I had just gotten up one morning and said..."THIS is what I'm going to do about this." Now...I feel like the college education won't happen. Everyone says that it's not too late to go back to school...but it's daunting when I think that if I DID go back...I'd be 30 or older by the time I got out. And without a college education...I feel like I can't have a great career. Unless I write. And that's a WHOLE other ballgame. My brain keeps me from writing a bestseller. It tells me that I'm not good enough to do it. So I don't even START. Well, I shouldn't say I haven't started. I've started a million times. (Yes, Dad...you HAVE told me a million times not to exaggerate.) I've written outlines...I've even started chapters. I know what I want to write about...that's not the issue. The issue is getting through it. The issue is wrapping my head around the fact that I'm not writing a book. I'm just writing for myself. If I could get that into my head, I think I could get there. Marraige and kids...I can wait on that. My heart is finally back where I needed it to be. It's finally back with the person who had it all along. It's finally back with the person who healed it in the first place. So...I'm good with that for now. But I guess...I just feel like I'm getting older now...and I can't STOP it. I feel like I've wasted so much time. On just...nothing. And that's exactly what I have to show for those wasted years...nothing. So, will this "older" feeling finally be the thing that gets me off my ass and into gear? Who knows. So far...it's the only promising thing I have. There is SO much I want to do. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I want to do SO much that I just don't know where or how to start. What I do know...is that I'll be 26 in a month...and my age is not going to wait on me to catch up. I suppose the only way to catch up is what I've been trying to do this past year...hike up the big girl panties...and take it one adult step at a time.

Inaudible Melodies

So much has been going on lately, that I've been almost too overwhelmed to write anything. I've started to write plenty of posts. If you took a look at my Blogger Dashboard right now, you would see several unfinished drafts that I never got around to posting. Even sitting here now, I'm not sure how to start, or how I'll finish...or even what to say at all...but usually things just flow out of my brain like a weird waterfall of words that amazingly end up making some semblance of sense once I'm done. Recently someone I know...that I'm not too fond of said, "I don't have any SENSE...the s-e-n-C-e kind OR the c-e-n-t-s kind." I wanted so badly to agree and say...that's RIGHT bucko...because you can't even SPELL the damn word. But I kindly nodded my head and seethed in silence. Anywho...as I said...things have been a little crazy lately. And for certain reasons, I can't discuss on here all of the details of everything that has been going on. However...here are a few tidbits that I can provide.

Mom and I have moved back to Birmingham.

G and I are in the process of getting back together. (Yes, I said in the process.) Slow and steady wins the race, my friends.

I am closer to my family than I think I have ever been in my life...and I absolutely love it.

I have attended church a couple of times...and I think I might start...MIGHT START...going more often.

I have nicknamed Elizabeth Grace "Booger Butt" and she absolutely adores that name and wants everyone to refer to her as that from now on.

It is absolutely okay for you to be forgiving and tolerant of people and things that other people think you should not be forgiving and tolerant of. It actually feels pretty good.

Auburn won their first game of the season. Their defense kicks ass, although their offense could use a little push in their running game. War Damn Eagle Baby!

I am thinking of cutting back on the Vaults...nobody panic. I just said thinking about it.

The pizza is here...I gotta go now. But I think this is a better post than some of my other drafts...I'm pushing publish.

Okay...So I Needed To Vent

***Disclaimer - The following post will contain major cuss words...such as the F bomb and other such fun terms. If your eyes hurt when you read such words as this...please consider yourself warned. The following post may hurt certain people's feelings. Too bad...so fucking sad. Oops...there's one of those F bombs. The following post contains MY opinions on some things in MY life. This was not influenced by anyone else's opinions. Thanks and feel free to skip over this post if you don't want to hear a fucking rant.***

I am 25 years old...about to be 26...and I've experienced, seen, and felt more in my life than many people experience, see or feel in their entire lives. I've seen birth and death. I've been abused horribly and loved deeply. I've lived in many different places...met a multitude of unique and interesting people. I have an IQ that's higher than probably a lot of the presidents of large corporations, but I do not have a college degree. I am smarter than most and dumber than some. I do not consider myself gorgeous...but I do consider myself sexy as hell. I used to be extremely fat...I've lost almost 100 pounds. Negative self talk keeps me from doing things that would quite possibly make me a success in life...in many aspects. I believe in God and talk to Him as if He were my bud...my homey...but I do not go to church, nor do I read my Bible on a regular basis. I can count on one hand how many men I have slept with. I can count on both hands how many men I've been in love with. I can count on one finger who I would consider my one true love and who I would consider the man I could adore for the rest of my life. I ran away from home when I was 16 years old with an abusive man and lived with him for 3 years of my life. To this day, I catch myself looking over my shoulder from time to time wondering if he's found me yet. When I was a teenager, I sliced myself up because I thought the physical pain would be more palpable than the emotional pain that I was going through. When I was 15, I was so fucked up, I was put in the hospital for 2 weeks and put on medication to get me un-fucked up. It's been years since I've been on medication...it's been years since I've been so fucked up. But I hope I never forget. I've lost 2 children before they were born. One with someone I thought I loved but didn't...one with someone I adored and who adored me right back. I spent a year of my life drinking alcohol and smoking pot every single day...all day. Non stop. I lost a great job, my apartment, friends, got sued and ultimately...lost a massive amount of respect for myself. I've come a really REALLY long way. I could go on and on...telling you my secrets...telling you about 25 years of trials and tribulations...joys and triumphs. But that's not what I'm here to do.

I've been going off about my self worth a lot lately. Been tooting my own horn about "oh yeah...I'm worth a lot...and someone needs to realize that and blah blah blah." Well, that's true. I am worth a lot. Someone does and hopefully one day will see that. Lately, however...I've been running into some issues in that department and well, it's getting the MareBear's panties in a wad. MareBear has her big girl panties on...BUT THEY ARE IN A WAD! I'm 25 years old...I've been through hell and back again...I've mellowed out...gotten my respect back for myself...earned the worth that was there all along...back again. So, now I am at this crossroads. I sit here eager....itching, in fact, to get on with my life. If you are an avid blog reader, and if you are, I thank you...then you will recall a post I did a while back about kisses in the rain. I meant that quite literally. I want that kiss in the rain. I physically want that. There was no metaphor there...I mean, there was a metaphor included in there...but I also want the physical kiss in the rain. So...should I sell out for something less because that scenario is cheesy and unlikely to happen? Sitting here right now, typing this out, I want to say hell no. But there's a little part of me that is whispering, "You might just have to." You may be sitting there saying, "Well, MareBear...you know you don't need a MAN or LOVE to move on with your life. You can be focusing on so much MORE!" Oh yes, my friends...I agree. And believe me...I am. But to know the MareBear...you must know one very very important fact about me. Love...that is the one emotion...the one thing that makes life worth living for me. Love...that's what makes everything else worth it for me. My writing...my family...my friends...my future. It all is great alone...standing alone. But to me...my life has no purpose...makes no sense in this world without love in it. To me...my writing is just words on a page unless I can share it with someone. Just as my life is just a speck in the wind without love and someone to share it with...THEN...only then does my life and everything in it become something worth living...some beautiful and intricate painting on a canvas instead of one brushstroke. No...I'm not saying that I am worthless by myself. I am worth a lot. But my worth won't flourish without love behind it. Having said that.......

What happens when someone says that they love you, but they don't show it? What happens when you suddenly realize that you have so much to give and no takers? What happens when there is one person that you think just might be it...but it's too late? There are situations in life that happen where I sometimes sit back and want to cry...but then I laugh because really...it's absolutely ridiculous at how crazy it all is. Sometimes life is just one big huge cluster fuck and there's not a damn thing you can do about it except sit back and watch it happen...and THAT is a horrible feeling. That, my good friends, is a feeling that I can't stand to have. I hate feeling helpless. I hate not being in control. I've had several situations that have been pushed in front of me lately that have left me with the helpless, out-of-control feeling...and frankly...it's pissing me the fuck off! "Why, MareBear," you may ask. "I thought you said that you could CHOOSE your own emotions...that you could CHOOSE to not be angry." Don't get me wrong. I feel angry, yes. But it's not out of control. I'm ranting...and raving...and cussing like a sailor. But I'll stand back up, brush myself off and move along again...until the next one. But right now...right at this very moment, I'm pissed off.

Total and COMPLETE Randomness That Only Certain People Will Understand

Sometimes...you find things out too late...then you kick yourself in the ass for not doing something about it sooner. I have a great new appreciation for my fingernails. I have a great new appreciation for Hello Lonely. I will now forever have a warm fuzzy feeling whenever I see or hear of the movie Mallrats. Jason Alexander on a wall half naked is in a strange way...really hot.

***To the makers of Vault...I hate to break this to you, but there are still people out there who have not tried your fabulous beverage...and much to my chagrin...as much begging and marketing as I have given you guys, it doesn't seem to sway some people. I think maybe you need to offer some free vacations or something...say toooooooo Borders in Paris or something. Hmmm. I wonder if there IS a Borders in Paris? Or maybe give away free stuff....like, oh I don't know...bats or something. Anyway...I'm just trying to give a shout out and let ya know what's up. Thanks. Oh........and send me stuff.***

Some fairy tales just don't have happy endings...and just need to be filed away for safe keeping. Maybe one of these days I'll have one of those happy endings...with a prince or otherwise...but for now...I have a great new appreciation for my self worth. I love you too young fairy and wild beast.

Sometimes you make mistakes...sometimes you make BIG mistakes...and you know what...that's ok. The key is...how you fix it. You're either a grown up about it...or you F it up and make more mistakes.

You are not responsible for how someone else feels or acts. No one else is responsible for how you feel or act. You are only responsible for how you feel and act. You are ALWAYS responsible for how you feel and act. This is an absolute statement unless you are the parent of a very small child and that only applies to the act part and even then you can only INFLUENCE it. End of it.

It is after 1 AM...and I still have packing to do. Peace.

Choosing

I've written a lot lately about how much I've changed in the past year. But I haven't written very much about it specifically. I haven't written very much about how I feel about it...or how it's affected my life on a detailed level. I've written more in general terms and tried to apply it in a motivational way...not only to try and encourage everyone who reads this, but also so that I can come back and reread what I've written and give myself a little reminder of where I need to go...what I need to do...and what attitude I need to adopt. When I say that I've changed in the past year, and especially in the past 6 months or so, I don't mean that my personality traits have changed or that I like different things, or necessarily even want different things. What I mean by change is that I've grown. And I know I've thrown that word out quite a bit. For a lot of people, it takes years for them to "grow" or "mature" into a person that they are proud to be. But in the past year, I've had one bad thing after another, one heart ache after another, one stress after another, one crisis after another...thrown into my lap...handed to me whether I wanted it or not. And when you are handed things that are outside of your comfort zone...when you are handed struggles...you have no choice but to give up...or grow. I chose to grow. It seemed like, overnight, things inside of me changed. Feelings changed, attitudes changed, emotions just flat out changed for me like they've never been before. I realized that I have a choice about how I react to a situation. I have a choice about whether or not I'm going to let things get me down, or if I'm going to face them head on. I have a choice when it comes to my emotions. No one can dictate to me about how I will feel about ANY situation whatsoever. No one. I choose. And that choice...that realization...has given me an immense power. At the same time it's given me a terrific feeling of calm. You see, I used to have a very short fuse...you could call it nonexistent. I would get angry very easily at just about anything there was to get angry about...and if there wasn't anything to get angry about, I would create something. And jealousy?? Oh...I'm not sure I even want to go there. And when I wasn't feeling angry, or jealous or an immense depression, I was on a manic high. My ambition was elevated to the point I felt like I could accomplish 15 to do lists in an hour. I felt like I was on top of the world. It was one extreme or the other for me...with few in-betweens. Something finally clicked in my brain...in my spirit...that I needed to STOP!! I needed to reevaluate my priorities here. Not only was I hurting...not to mention annoying the hell out of...the people around me...but I was hurting and annoying the hell out of myself. And I was preventing myself from moving forward in life in any way, shape, form or fashion. So...over time...in the scheme of things a short amount of time...and through the process of some very difficult trials I realized that I could choose to not react in those ways anymore. I didn't have to feel like that anymore. And no matter what anyone said about it...I could react and feel exactly the way I wanted to. There was nothing wrong with being calm and happy. There was nothing wrong with not being angry and jealous all the time or really...at all. There was nothing wrong with not creating drama where there was none. Even in the most difficult situation, I could remain calm...I could choose to not get angry...even when other people thought that reaction wasn't appropriate. It didn't matter and doesn't matter to me if someone thinks that my reaction to a situation is inappropriate. Because I know that my reaction now is my choice. And I know that I'm making my choice from a calmer more rational place. When I say that I'm thankful for the difficult things that have been handed to me in life, I mean it from the very bottom of my heart. No, it hasn't been fun. No, none of it has been easy by any means. But from it, I've grown and learned how to CHOOSE for myself to be empowered with my own emotions. That is an incredible feeling...albeit a sometimes uncomfortable one. But hey...stepping out of my comfort zone is what got me here in the first place. Bring it on!

The One Year Anniversary Blog Party!

I cannot believe it has been one whole year since I started this blog. It's kind of funny actually. When I started this thing I was sitting at my Grandma Lynda's computer in Biloxi. And today...I just got back from there after not being there since the hurricane...in almost a year. I actually took out the first entry of this blog because when I reread it...it sounded silly to me. And after a year of writing in this...after so much has happened...after a year of growth, I guess I figured my writing had changed. So over the course of a year, I have taken out a total of about 8 entries that I thought were utter crap. 8 entries out of 103. Not too shabby I must say. However...for the purpose of this wondrous occasion...I figured I'd add the first entry back in. (The very first blog entry is all the way at the bottom for those who are interested in reading it.) But when I started this blog...when I sat down to write in it...I never thought that I would be sitting here a year later writing in it still. I thought it would be yet another "thing" that I would leave unfinished. I thought maybe I would write a few entries that no one but I would read and then I would forget about it. And now...a year later, I've written 103...make that 104 entries, and I have a slew of people reading my inner most personal thoughts on a daily basis. My writing style has changed just a bit...I still use .......... all the time. I still use capital letters to enunciate and express what I'm trying to say...although I'm trying to incorporate more italics. When I first started the blog, I used initials for everyone's names to "protect their identities" but then I realized that was absolutely retarded since I wasn't publishing everyone's home addresses and phone numbers and it sounded silly referring to people by A B C & D. Not to mention I ran into problems when I had several people with the same first initial. I have tried to keep some sense of privacy on here. I have not written about extremely personal issues...except for a few that only affected me. However, for those of you who have been reading my blog over the past year...those of you who have kept up with the "characters" in my life...it may have been easy to notice people coming and going...things changing...events happening...maybe you filled in the blanks.

A lot has happened in and around my life in the past year. Great things...horrible things...happy things...sad things. I never really made a conscious decision when I started this to not go into detail about personal things in my life such as relationships...but I'm also a moral and caring person...no matter how I feel about another person, I would never broadcast details of anything that has to do with another person's feelings, thoughts, actions, relationships, etc. without their consent or unless I leave them anonymous. That being said...it's also easy for someone who had no clue who I was to start at the bottom of this blog and work their way up and put some things together without me having to say anything.

In the past year, I lost the love of my life. No...he's still alive and well...and we are still very good friends...but we are no longer "together." You need to know no more than that. In the past year, I have made several wonderful friends including Denise whom I have mentioned several times in entries. I met her through another friend...who became more than a friend...and now he is no longer in my life...at all. He is also alive...don't know if he's well or not. Nuff said. (Speaking of friends...I would like to take this moment to thank my friends who have supported this thing called a blog...or as one friend calls it...the "b." Aimes, "J" from Pelham and my dear Petie...thanks for always jumping to comment on my blog entries. It always seems like your comments come at a time when I'm feeling a bit blue and they are the pick-me-up that I need. Love you guys. Susie Q...thanks so much for continuing to read and continuing to be a "virtual shoulder" for me...even though for some strange reason it takes your computer an extra day for my blog entries to update. Love you the "MOSTEST OF THE MOST!!" Tamster...thank you so much for telling me that my writing makes you laugh out loud even though you're an uptight person. I personally don't think you are...and I personally think you're madly in love with Brucie...but don't worry...I won't tell anyone. Love you bunches! Shell...thank you for your emails of support and letting me know that you "still read the blog"...hurry up and spit out my neice or nephew. Love you girlie! Sis...thank you for reading your big sister's blog and telling me that my teeth are gorgeous...I love you baby girl! And yes, I'll take you to see Saw 3. Denise..."D"...how do I even begin to thank you? You've been there through it all...you've kept me sane...unless we were both insane at the same time and then we just reverted to our Bahamas plan. I love you and miss you. Thanks for being there through the good and bad. Mom...thanks for reading every word from day one. Thanks for being my backbone and letting me be yours. Thanks for helping me grow every day. Thanks for being my best friend. I love you. Dad...Thanks for reading the short entries...if you get to this one...know that I LY....MI....very very much. G...Thank you for bringing me back to life 6 years ago. Thank you for showing me what true love really is. A & F. For all the rest of you...and I know I've missed MANY and for that I'm so sorry...thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading and emailing and commenting. And for those of you who have just started reading this (Hi Lisa and Martin!) thank you so much for your interest. And for those of you who "promise" you're going to read this but never do...you know who you are...*cough cough* Karl Paul *cough cough*...I won't say any names though...just know that I'm not sweating it...I know you guys love me anyway. Just know that I love each and every one of you...and I just want to thank all of you for letting me do this...and enjoy it. OK...now back to the year's events.) In the past year, I've lost furry family members that were loved just as much as if they were human. See you on Rainbow Bridge. In the past year, my bones have deteriorated but my will has strengthened enormously. I have felt full and empty...seemingly all at the same time on occasion. I have felt immense happiness and great sorrow...but overall have done my best to keep my hope...keep my faith that I will overcome all obstacles thrown in my path. The physical pain that I feel on a daily basis has not kept me down. The emotional pain that I've felt from time to time from a breaking heart, or from seeing my mom's pain, or from missing someone so deeply that it cuts like a knife has not kept me from growing. It hasn't kept me from trying my damndest to find the humor in life. To take a mundane situation and make it tangible to another...to make it real and raw and laughable...so that others...you can relate to it and see that all of us can somehow get through...day by day, minute by minute, one baby step at a time. This blog has been therapy for me...it's been a way for me to release what's inside. If not one single person read this...I'd still be doing it...or at least I hope I would. But it helps to know that you guys do read it. That I know that it makes other people laugh. That it gives other people something to think about.

So much has happened to me in the past year...and so much more will happen to me in the coming year. It's exciting...and scary too when you think about the unknown. An adventure waiting to happen. A clean slate laid out before you. A story waiting to be written. You just have to pick up the pen and write the words on the blank pages. How will my story begin? Not "Once Upon a Time" or "In the Beginning." I may have to think on it...or maybe it could begin with this...

"One day, I woke up early, put my big girl panties on, faced the world with a feeling of enthusiasm, and decided I would kick some major ass and take names. Look out...here I come!"

Ahem...Randomness...Thank You For Your Attention

I am currently in Biloxi. Believe it or not, I haven't been here since Katrina. I've just flat out refused to come down here...for several reasons that I won't get into right now. But Mom drove me down Hwy 90 on the way to Grandma Lynda's house. I burst into tears by the time we got to her house. It's still horrible.

My friend Karl had some MAJOR work done on his teeth a couple of days ago...I'm talking like 4 root canals and other yucky stuff. But...he went to a sedation dentist and got major wonderful drugs and got it all done in one visit and doesn't remember a thing. And now his teeth are great again. Why the hell didn't I do that?

If you haven't seen the movie or read the book Pride and Prejudice...go...watch it or read it immediately...because very very soon I will have a post on it that will spoil the whole thing if you haven't seen/read it. Consider yourself warned.

I've been thinking of titles to my book that I'm writing...check out this one. "I'm In Love With Indecision...No, Wait...No I'm Not!" What do ya think?? Yeah I know...total bestseller.

David from Topper emailed me last night. The guys have put together a new website. Some parts of it are still under construction...well, actually only their calender needs work...but if you want to see a video with clips of sexy Pete singing and Topper jamming out...go here. If you want to see the locations where they are playing...go here. Unfortunately, David told me that right now, you can only get their CDs and DVDs and "soon to be" t-shirts and such at the locations that they play...so next time they're in town I'm going to grab some assorted loot. I'm sure you all are terribly disappointed to hear this. Please don't lose too much sleep.

The gay next door neighbor that lives next to my Grandma Lynda has his "friend" over to help him with some yard work. Well, the gnats are REALLY bad down here...and that's an understatement. So...the gay neighbor goes inside and brings out a bottle of Cepocal mouthwash. And his friend says..."I don't think rinsing my mouth out with that stuff will help with the gnats." I about FELL OUT laughing. So gay guy says, "NO you idiot...you wipe this all over your legs and neck and the gnats won't git ya!" So the gay guy pours a cup of Cepacol into the friend's hands and the friend proceeds to wipe the mouthwash all over his legs and neck. About 5 seconds later...screams of pain erupt from the friend's mouth. "OH MY GOD!!! IT'S BURNING! IT'S BURNING!!" He started dancing around batting at his legs and neck like they were on fire. I'm seriously falling out of my chair on the patio laughing at this point, and Annie and Gracie the dogs are over at the fence barking at the man thinking he's seriously gone mad. Well, gay guy stands there calmly pouring another cupfull saying, "Naw man...it's good for ya!" So get this...the friend takes the cupfull and wipes more of it on him!! Yep...5 seconds later...more screaming...more batting...more laughter from me...and more barking from the dogs. Later, I saw the dude mowing the yard, swatting at the gnats...hmm...but I bet they enjoyed the minty freshness of his singed leg hairs.

I used to purposely make extra mistakes on my papers in 6th grade so I could use more white-out. Then as soon as I'd use it...I'd lean in real close acting like I was making sure I'd gotten it all covered up...then I'd inhale deeply. Yeah...I was a white-out huffer at the young age of 11.

I've graduated on the McDonald's menu. Now I'm up to a medium chocolate shake...medium fry...and...wait for it.........a cheeseburger with those itty bitty chopped up onions!!! WOO WOO! But I have to tear it in pieces and then put it in my mouth and chew it up. I haven't gotten the hang of biting and tearing with my teeth yet. No worries. We'll get there.

I've often wondered if I bound all my blog entries together and made them into a book if anyone would buy it.

I miss white-out. Now all I have is this damn backspace key...and it hurts my nose.

Topper

Mom and I decided to have a night out at the casino last night. So I grabbed my free room comp and we headed out! We had a total blast...Thelma and Louise baby!!! WOO WOO! And what happens at the Pearl River Resort when Thelma and Louise go to party....STAYS at the Pearl River Resort. Except for one event. Topper.

At around 9:30 last night, Mom...err...Thelma and I decided to head over to the Xenon lounge to grab a couple of alcoholic beverages and listen to some live music. I had been sitting at the penny slot machine near the lounge earlier and heard the band start up with "Working For the Weekend" by Loverboy. I found my head starting to bob a little bit like Chris Kattan's on Night at the Roxbury. So, I cashed out...even though I was winning...and headed over to the bar. Thelma and I grabbed a table close to the bar and within eye-shot of the band. Thelma got her brewski...Louise (me) got her White Russian. The drink...not the dude. Ahhh...let the jammin' begin! The name of the band was Topper. 4 guys in their...mmm...I'd have to say late 40's early 50's. Could be more or less on each individual...but I'm bad at guessing ages. And I must say, that despite his age...or maybe because of it...or screw that...because of his VOICE...the keyboardist and lead vocalist, Pete, was uber sexy. And I don't even like long hair on guys. Uhh...anyway...that's getting into the what happens at the casino STAYS at the casino...nevermind. So...the guys start playing all kinds of music...all different genres...from The Drifters to 3 Doors Down to Journey to Blake Shelton and Willie Nelson. And let me tell you...Pete can turn on the Willie Nelson voice like you would not believe. At one point, David, the lead guitarist walked around the entire bar "serenading" all the women with a fabulous Santana song.

But here's the thing...here's what truly truly got to me. This is why I am writing about a band called Topper tonight. And many of you may say this is cheesy...many of you may roll your eyes and say, "Oh Mare...you're just being too sentimental and over dramatic." Well...get the hell over it. This is MY blog...and you're the one reading it. So shut it and read on.

There were only about 40 people or less in the Xenon lounge at any one given time in the hour and a half that we sat there. Most of those people came and went and most of those people were either sitting at the bar playing video poker or sitting at tables chatting up their pals and drinking. Not paying a lick of attention to a band called Topper. Let me now give you a little background on Topper. Between the years of 1979 and 1984 Topper toured with The Drifters and then Jerry Lee Lewis. They also worked with Ozzy Osborne. The 80's were the time of these guys' lives you're thinking. And maybe you're right. You won't see these guys headlining in front of thousands of people. Last night, they played to a crowd of less than a hundred people at a time and half of those people didn't even look at them. And at first, I didn't look at them either...but then, I started to listen...I really listened. And what I heard was absolute passion in music. These guys didn't care WHO they were singing to. They were keeping their dream alive. There was a row of seats that were right up next to a little "space" by the stage. An old skinny redneck cowboy and 2 very vivacious and lovely sistas just so happened to be sitting next to each other in these seats. They were watching the band. They were listening to the band. They were freakin' lovin' the hell outta some TOPPER BABY YEAH!!!! Pete would belt out a Willie Nelson song and the cowboy would grab the sista up and try to show her what two-steppin' was all about. Then David would break it down with some KC & The Sunshine Band "That's The Way I Like It" (Uh Huh Uh Huh) and that sista would pull that ole cowboy out on the dance floor and grind it dooowwwwnnn!!! At this point, I not only started to watch the hilarity out on the dance floor, but I really started to pay attention to the band. Really looked at the joy on their faces that their music had made this totally unlikely pair get their groove on on the dance floor. That look of satisfaction that they were giving it all they had just to bring some happiness to a few people. They didn't have to do that. They didn't have to give it all they had to such a small crowd of people. They could have come out there...sang a few good ones guaranteed to get the crowd going like Jimmy Buffett or Sweet Home Alabama and called it a night. But no...the next thing I saw drove it home for me that these guys really still had it in them. The band started playing "Rock and Roll Fantasy" by Bad Company. Pete left his keyboard...took the mike out of the stand and started belting it out. And I do mean this man poured his heart into this song. Rocked the FREAKING HOUSE! He ran from one side of the stage to the other...sang to each person that was there...climbed behind the drummer and jumped back down onto the stage. The only thing that was missing was the pyrotechnics. It didn't feel like it was too much because we weren't in some huge venue...it didn't feel like too much because there weren't a lot of people there. It felt just right because he put so much passion behind it. You just knew that this man loved what he was doing. You knew that this man wanted you to feel this song and sing along with him. Before this moment, I had almost felt sorry for these guys. And in some people's eyes, maybe it would seem a little sad that these guys have been playing their hearts out for over 25 years and they've never made it "big"...they're still playing to small crowds in smoky casino bars instead of stadiums filled with thousands of screaming fans. But I wonder if you ask them now what they would say. I know back then they would have rather had that rock-n-roll lifestyle. They definitely tried for it. And most definitely got a very big taste of it. But if it weren't for bands like Topper...if it weren't for guys like them who play so passionately...pouring their hearts out for the "little people"...for the small smoky casino bars...that old cowboy might've not had that fantastic dance. That sista might not have learned how to two-step. I might not have learned just how much I love "Rock and Roll Fantasy." Hey...I might not have figured out that long hair on guys might not be such a bad thing after all...it can actually be kinda sexy. And I may not have gotten to have just a small glimpse of dreams and perserverance and passion and all out "giving it all you got" in such an unexpected place.

Rock on Pete, David, Matt & Lacy. Keep on rockin' Topper.

Ants Marching

I will never forget the first time I got drunk. I remember it so well because it happened on the same night that I went to my first "real" concert (we are SO not counting New Kids on the Block) and the same night that I had my first cigarette. OK...the same night I had my first 20 cigarettes. I was 14 years old and was back in Birmingham for the first time after moving to Texas. We were going to go see Dave Matthews Band at the Oak Mountain Amphitheater. This was back in the day when they still had "the lawn" and that's where WE were going to sit! Hell yeah. "The lawn," for those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, is basically a big grassy area above all of the seats in the amphitheater that you still have to pay to get a spot in, but you can freely mull about in. Sit wherever you want to. Get up and dance around. Act like a fool. Drink and form conga lines 20 people long. Spread blankets out and have a picnic while you enjoy the beauty of drunkeness and music. "The lawn" RULED!!! It was also where 14 year olds got college boys to buy them beer and give them cigarettes and the cops couldn't keep up with it. Needless to say..."the lawn" is no longer there. It has been filled in with more seats. *Sigh* Anyway...here was the crew...Mary Ann (my best friend), Frank, Jeremy, Matt, and Beth. Frank's dad and his friend drove us there in Frank's dad's car. All of us...in one car. Not a van...a car...a little BMW car. Keep that in mind for later. So we get there and Frank's dad and friend head backstage because the lucky dogs had passes...leaving us kids free to go wild by ourselves. Beth...the smart gal...had brought a water bottle full of vodka that we proceeded to chug before even entering the gates. *Note - To this day vodka is still my favorite booze.* Once inside we made our way to the lawn and found a prime spot. We could see the stage relatively well...we were close to friendly and already smashed college dudes...we were far away from cops...we were close to beer stands. Sweet. The next 3 hours were a blur of beer, cigarettes, and at one point I took off my shirt only to have Jeremy dive over me and put his shirt on me to keep me from totally losing my ever loving mind...or anything else for that matter. DMB totally rocked the house and by the end of the concert I found myself laid out on the lawn with my eyes closed hands laid out beside me and someone stepped on my hand. I opened my eyes. Matt was staring at me and light was bright above his head. For a moment...I thought that maybe I had died and Matt was God. Then...I realized that a cop was the one who had stepped on my hand. MMmmmmmk. Gotta get up now. Luckily for me, there were about 1000 other 14 year old drunk girls there, so he just told me to get up and leave. Not so luckily for me...Frank's dad and his friend were equally tanked. But did that stop him from taking 6 kids home in the back of his itty bitty BMW car? PFFT!! NO WAY MAN!! Where's your sense of adVENTURE?!?!? Managing this task required having everyone squeeze into the backseat and have me sit on Mary Ann's lap with my legs across everyone else. It was great fun until I heard sirens behind us. I freaked the flip OUT!!!!! I just knew I was about to be arrested for public drunkeness and my parents were still in Texas and they'd lock me up in Alabama forever and I'd never see them again and I wonder if that guy from Auburn really thought I was cute or if he was just really drunk oh but who cares I'm about to be thrown in the slammer and become some Big Bertha's Bitch and never see the light of day again! At this point I'm flailing my arms and I punched Mary Ann's nose. She screams. And then I saw the fire truck roar past. Frank's dad pulled into the nearest gas station to assess the situation in the backseat. He literally had to open the door and pull me out by grabbing me under my arms. He set me down on the curb at the gas station. I looked over at Mary Ann and her nose was bleeding. Man...I did that. I looked down at the ground ashamed of myself. I saw ants crawling by the curb. Ants. Ants marching. ANTS MARCHING!! Oh my gosh!! Dave Matthews sings Ants Marching!!! This was a profound situation!!! I had discovered something incredibly meaningful and hilarious and I was cracking up so hard I could barely breathe. Mary Ann, however, did not seem to find the humor in it. Hmm.

When all was said and done, I was incredibly sick for most of the night and had a MAJOR hangover the next morning. One of those, "I will NEVER drink another drop of alcohol again!" hangovers. Ha...ha...HA! Fun times! Now the Oak Mountain Amphitheater is the Verizon Wireless something or other...and there is no "lawn." I have not seen Dave Matthews since. But I have seen vodka.

Rock on Dave...keep those ants marching.

The Time Has Come My Friends...For More Fabulous Randomness

My new smile rocks the ever lovin' hizzouse. Please refer to the post below. I attempted to eat McDonald's french fries tonight. My first real food since getting my teeth. (Send me stuff) And ohhhh man it felt weird. But ohhhh man were those fries good.

I got yet ANOTHER new cell phone today because...ok...this may take a minute to explain...bear with me. Mom and I were trying to jump off her car battery...and see, what happened was...I put my cell phone on the front bumper of my car while I was acting like a professional mechanic and hooking up the jumper cables. Then I realized that I hadn't pulled up to her car close enough. So I went and got in my car...with the hood still up...to pull it a little bit closer. Needless to say, I backed up a little bit...and my phone fell off....hard. Mom picked it up before I ran back over it, so I didn't think much of it at the time, but later on I went to call someone because ALAS I realized that I was NOT a professional mechanic and ALAS I could NOT do something as simple as jump off a friggin car. So when I went to call someone...the phone dialed, but I couldn't HEAR anything!!! ARGH! Well, we can't have that, now can we? So...I had to go searching all over the place for a new phone...and since obviously I've had so much trouble with Motorola phones lately (DON'T send me stuff!) I opted for a Samsung. So far...so good. But I've only had it one night. Oh yeah...and mom's battery is still dead. Don't call me if you need any help with your car...unless you have a flat tire in the desert...THAT I can do.

I can drink a gallon of skim milk in 2 days by myself. One if I'm low on Vaults. Milk...it does a body good.

When faced with adversity of any kind...Put your big girl panties on and freakin' deal with it already. And if it's something REALLY big...........go commando and be PROUD!

Sometimes...and I really want YOU to pay attention here. Sometimes...what's right in front of you is what you're not looking at. Sometimes...you have to risk being afraid in order to exist beyond mediocrity. Sometimes...what you're looking so hard to find...has been there all along or is right there within arms reach.

Read any good books lately? Me either. Don't fret my friends. I'm on it.

Lance Bass is gay....LANCE BASS IS GAY! I can finally rest my weary head now. I can finally sleep a full night now. No more tossing and turning. No more sleepless nights of wondering if my favorite N'SYNC member's sexual preference would ever become national-public-hysterical-insane-news. Lance Bass is gay. Let's all have a moment of silence shall we? Mmmm k.

I am seriously becoming addicted to poker. Watching it...not playing it. Is there a support group for that?

I see girls these days that are 10 years old and younger walking around with shorts that are literally showing the bottom of their asses. OK? I'm serious. And walking around with their little halter tops and makeup and crap like that. Maybe I'm just getting OLD or something. But when I was that age...my momma would have slapped the SHIT out of me if I walked out of my house looking like that. Let alone BOUGHT me that stuff. And here I see mothers taking their daughters to buy this stuff. Ummm. I guess I could go off on this for days...and I mean, I'm sure there are bigger battles to fight...but JEEZ OH PETE!!! Put some clothes on the child.

I wonder if therapy dogs look at normal dogs and say, "You lazy ass...get a job."

Those few french fries were like filet mignon after not eating anything for 4 days.

Da New Toofs

Well the day has finally arrived! The day I have been waiting for since...well, since I don't know when. I finally have my perfect smile! It's been a LONG and PAINFUL road...but I've finally reached the light at the end of the tunnel so to speak. Monday afternoon the dentist pulled the last TEN teeth...yeah...that's right TEN teeth all at once. It was quite rough, probably the worst extraction process I've been through so far. I ended up with 3 stitches and swollen lips, but also...a mouth full of gorgeous, straight, perfect, white teeth!!!!!!!! Here it is Wednesday night, and I am still in quite a bit of pain, and there is still quite a bit of swelling on the inside of my mouth. Oh...and sometimes it's a little difficult to understand what I'm saying. It's like trying to talk around 2 big retainers in my mouth. The dentist told me I should practice reading from magazines or something out loud until I get my speech back. So much for me being a professional singer, huh?? Ahhh...but it's all worth it every time I look in the mirror and see these beautiful pearly whites. Yeah...I'm bragging. And yeah...I'm gonna show em off. Here ya go!!

The Visit With The Fam

Okie dokie...I just got back from B'ham and visited with the fam. I got to see my sweet Elizabeth Grace and her mommy Aimes!! YAY! She's gotten SO big!!! Elizabeth Grace...not Aimes! Aimes is beautiful as always. I also got to visit with my Uncle Jim, Aunt Karen, Dadoo and G Funk. It was a great week, and I loved seeing everyone. I know this is a short post, but I wanted to put some pics up here of Miss Elizabeth and Aimes. So here ya go!!!

My View On Rain

I can honestly say that for the first time in my life I've reached the point where I feel like I have some sort of grasp on what I want. Meaning...what I want for myself in terms of life, love...everything. And yes, I'm sure that those things will change...ebb and flow, but the basic principles have been formed. And I believe that I can chalk that up to the fact that I have been sitting on my tush for a year and a half now........thinking. And thinking.....and umm...thinking some more. I guess I am wanting to rant a little about love...or the pursuit of it...or maybe not love exactly...but companionship. Because really...who really WANTS to be alone? I mean, sure...we all want to be by ourselves sometimes. Some of us more than others. But who wants to be alone? Not me. I know people...ok, a lot of people that can't stand to be single for one moment. The second they break up with someone, they are immediately in a new relationship. I'm not talking about dating around. I'm talking they are in a committed serious relationship....immediately. Not even a month goes by. There's some "alone" issues for ya. But we all want love...or more specifically to BE loved. And I can't say this for the guys out there, but I know for us girls...we want that butterfly feeling. But that doesn't really cover it. We want that rush...we want that feeling that every time you are near us the air is a little more electric. We want our toes to curl just a little bit with that kiss. Think that only happens in high school? Think again. And you know what? SCREW that whole thing about "you don't have to have that to have a great relationship." You know what? OK...no, you don't HAVE to have it. But it sure as hell is nice. I just don't understand why we get so caught up in the psychology of it all. I'm guilty of it myself. And it's good to keep your eyes open. It's good to know what you're getting yourself into. But whatever happened to good ole feelings? "They" say that things never happen like they do in the movies...you know, those frantic scenes where the guy grabs the girl in the pouring down rain and kisses her. She thought he didn't care about her...but all along he was madly in love with her. Or maybe they just couldn't keep their hands off each other. Well, why the hell CAN'T it happen like that? That's what I want to know. I want to know what happened to us. I want to know what happened when we "grew up." Why it became "foolish" for us to think about kissing in the rain. Why it became silly for men to be romantic and say sweet things to women. I want to know when relationships, dating, marraige, men and women became a damn GAME. That's what I want to know. It's become jealousy and mistrust and the grass may be greener on the other side. So many people have hardened their hearts. No one wants to kiss in the rain anymore. It's all about insecurities and where it will lead and what better thing may come along. Whatever. I'm dunzo. The game sucks. I just want a best friend who will kiss in the rain and not make fun of me if I snort when I laugh at some silly joke...and may even laugh with me. I'm not going to change my views on it just because some "grown up" wants to tell me that it's not realistic. There are still kisses in the rain to be had. I can wait.

Ponder This You Philosophical Geniuses

Can you really wake up one morning and decide that you are just going to turn everything around? Can you just decide in one instant that you are going to start over? Can you just make up your mind to "just do it?" I mean...all the self-help books out there SAY that you can. All the motivational speakers out there say "it's never too late!!" or "your life can BEGIN TODAY!" So...what are we waiting for? Why can't we all just wake up every morning and say TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF MY NEW LIFE!!!! It sure does sound good. See, I used to make lists...lots and lots of really good looking lists because I was going to DO things. I even read BOOKS that were filled with lists just because I liked to look at them. Lists made me feel good. Some days, I never did a single thing on my list. But making the list was the part that thrilled me. That's what made me feel like I was doing something. But you can have notebooks filled with To-Do lists and never get anything done. You can plan yourself a great future and still be sitting at your computer desk planning it in 10 years. Sure...it LOOKS great. Sounds great. May even be a GREAT PLAN. But until you get your ever lovin' ass in gear.........ain't nuttin gonna happen baby.

I want to go back to school. I want to write that book that I've been talking about for...oh...forever. I want to make more friends. I want to make some MONEY. I want to travel. I want to go snorkeling. I want to quit smoking. I want to be even CLOSER to my family...ALL of them. I want just a little bit of romance...a little sweepage off my feet. I want someone to tell me every once in a while that I mean something to them. I want to finish decorating my room. I want to start sending people REAL mail...not just email. I want to get off this computer and do something.

So there's a list for you. Some of those things I can get up and do right now...some of them will take a while...and some of them, well...I'll need a little help with. But my whole point is, I do think that we can all kind of "just do it." We can all wipe the slate clean and decide that we are going to just get out there and Git R Done. Maybe not the way that you necessarily want to. Maybe not the way that you had planned. And DEFINITELY not as fast as you want to. But you can get some of that list done if you just put one foot in front of the other instead of standing still.

Oh, and one little thing...if you find that your mouth is running faster than your feet...complaining about every little THING...maybe you should shut up and put some of that energy to good use. Maybe write about it or something. That's always helped me.

Peace out homeys!

This is your brain....on Vaults

In the last 4 weeks the average American's consumption of hot dogs should have doubled...just because of my consumption of hot dogs alone. Because really...that's the only meat I can comfortably chew. And I cannot go a full day without consuming some sort of meat. The best kind are the Juicy Jumbos by Bryan. Send me stuff.

I can't bite my nails anymore because it hurts my teeth...so now my nails are kinda long...and pretty. What the hell is that about? Makes me look all girly and stuff. That's weird.

I cut all my hair off. It was long...down to my shoulder blades...now it's up to my chin. OK...so I got hot. Call Anderson.

I watched the first installment of Nightmares and Dreamscapes the other night on TNT. You know...the Stephen King thing. Yeah...I had read the book already. And...I mean...I have read almost EVERYTHING of SK's and enjoyed it...and I've also watched almost everything of his and enjoyed it. As hokey as it may be. However...N and D...this, Stephen, had to be the worst made for TV crap you've ever done. I mean seriously. I was totally disappointed. And it takes a LOT to disappoint me when it comes to visual entertainment. But hey...maybe I was going into the whole thing with high expectations. Whatever. I'll still DVR the next installments and look for some improvements. I mean, I'm not looking for it to live up to the book. I don't think anything that comes from a book and is put on the big or little screen EVER lives up to the original book...but I was thinking that MAYBE it would be somewhat entertaining. Ahh. Nightmares and Dreamscapes? More like Yawns and Snores. Sorry Stephen...ya know I love ya.

I honestly, truly...do not want to have my hip replacement surgery...for many reasons. I am in ignorance overdrive right now. Ignorance is bliss...until my hip starts killing me.

I want to do something out of this world fantastic for my birthday this year...like go to Europe and stay drunk for a week. Or go kangaroo piggy back riding in the Australian outback. Or go to the Bahamas with Denise and our personal masseuse Fredrico (and maybe never come home). Or go to some monastery and learn how to grab the stone from some dude's hand....grasshoppa. Who's with me?? WHO'S WITH ME????

What does it take to invent a new word? Like what avenue do you have to go down to get it in the dictionary and such? Because I want to invent a new word...no...I want to invent a new DICTIONARY. NO...no no no...I want to invent a new language. With punctuation marks and EVERYTHING.

I think each neighborhood should have a "shittiest week" contest. I think that each week you should have this big huge trash can...and every day, every single person in the entire neighborhood has to put a dollar in the trash can. I mean EVERY BODY...that means a dollar for every person in your household. And then...at the end of the week, you have a neighborhood grill out...fun times...burgers...beer. And you all sit around and tell about your week. And whoever had the SHITTIEST week...gets the trash can of money. But if one person gets it...then he can't get it for a whole 6 weeks again...that's the rule...it's only fair...unless he has one WHOPPER of another bad week or something...like he ran over a dog...only to find out that it was a seeing eye dog for his grandma or something...and his grandma couldn't afford another one...and he didn't have the money to buy her another one because he got suspended from his job because he was late for work because he ran over the damn seeing eye dog and killed it...so now he NEEDS the trash can of money CAN'T YOU SEE WHERE I'M GOING WITH THIS PEOPLE?!?!?! We need some community involvement. Some giving. Can't we all just get along? And get paid?


It really is a lot cooler with my hair shorter.

Our Whitney

Last night we had to put our Whitney to sleep. Last week, she had a small seizure that left her weak and unable to get around very well. We took her to the vet a few times and put her on different medications. The vet found a heart murmur and also that she was anemic. Whitney had breast cancer, and we were afraid that the cancer was starting to spread. We had decided that we were going to take Whitney and have her put down today. Well, last night, she had a grand mal seizure. It was so horrible...so sad. She was foaming at the mouth...urinating...for over a full minute. A minute may not seem like a long time to some people...but when you are watching a dog writhe in pain...it's an eternity. When she came out of it she was whimpering and crying in pain and couldn't stand. It was almost like she was looking at us to help her...so we decided to go ahead and take her. It was extremely sad...but at the same time it was such a relief to see her out of pain.

Whitney was with us for about 4 years. We rescued her from a vet who had kept her in a kennel with her mate for over a year. She didn't have any of her front teeth because she had chewed on her cage for so long. She was skittish...hated thunderstorms and loud noises. But she had the sweetest disposition I've ever seen in a dog. And after being locked in a cage for over a year...she could have been the exact opposite and no one could have blamed her. When we would take her her bowl of food to eat, she would turn in circles before we would set it down. It became a game. She was the best snuggler in the whole world..........if you could stand her puppy breath. When we would come home from running errands, she would always greet us at the door, wagging her nub of a tail and make her Chubacca growl/bark at us. The sweetest dog. We will miss her so much.

Have fun chasing Tigger, sweet Whit. We love you.

Randomness...Sort of...Okay...Randomness...but LONG Randomness at some points....Whatever

A part of me always thought that Jack Handey wasn't a real guy...seriously...like right up until just now when my brain said....Hey, I need to put that little part of my brain to rest...so I went and googled just to make sure. *Sigh* Yeah...Jack...sorry about doubting your existence. Love you, man. Really. You're the greatest. Especially now that I know you're....ahem....REAL.

Have you ever gotten up in the morning and said, WOW...I have this feeling that something REALLY big is going to happen to me today? Well, maybe not BIG...but important. Like you wake up feeling ready to go and face your day. In a pretty good mood...and you know you can make things happen. Kind of a "Git-R-Done" attitude. And you just "know" that there's going to be some thing that's going to make this day stand out from the rest. OK so it could be something small. And maybe you won't even recognize what it is until later...maybe even weeks or months later. But you'll look back and say, yeah...that one thing changed me. Of course...if you think about it (oh boy...here comes a tangent...look out!) every day is full of things that change us, mold us, and make us grow. They say that opportunity sometimes knocks very softly. Well, I'd like to add to that that sometimes opportunity doesn't always even use the door...better check the windows and walls and ceilings and floors as well. Yeah, ok...Opportunity comes and finds you sometimes...but I've learned recently that if you want to move forward in your life...if you want things to HAPPEN...sometimes you have to seek OUT opportunity for yourself. Every single day of your life shapes the days of your life after that...there are no exceptions. Doesn't that make it worth it to make each day really really freakin' cool?

When I was a freshman in highschool and still lived in Birmingham...before Mom and I moved to Texas to live with Dad...I had the best friends a girl could ask for. Kelly, Anna, Casey and Frank. Every weekend we would go to this spot by Frank's house...by the Cahaba river. It was this little boat dock that wasn't used anymore...kind of grown up...we'd have to push through trees and branches and weeds and crap to get to the cement dock...but we'd get there. And on a clear night, we'd sit out there on the dock and the moonlight would hit the water right in front of us and it was so bright with the moon and the stars that you would forget it was nighttime. We would lie on our backs and talk about our dreams for the future...no matter how silly or stupid they might have seemed...because on "our dock" anything goes and no one made fun...no one judged. We would sing...we would laugh...we would cry...together. And then came the day that Mom told me we were moving to Texas. And my 14 year old mind thought, "GREAT! I have NOTHING here in Birmingham. There's nothing to DO here! It's so BORING!" So off we went. I went back to visit a few months later. Desperate to see my friends...to go to the dock and share the moonlight and secrets and dreams with them. They told me that just a couple of weeks after I left...the cops blocked it off. Said they figured kids were going down there to do drugs. They figured that's the ONLY reason any kids would WANT to go hang out down there. Well, of course...innocence is scarce these days. They say you don't know what you got until it's gone...and I wholeheartedly believe in that.

I walked barefoot in the grass today. I haven't done that in so long. I can't even REMEMBER the last time I've done that. It felt good...brought back memories and feelings I forgot I had. I think I'll try and do that every day. Even when it's raining. ESPECIALLY if it's raining.

As of today...I've officially lost 80 pounds from my heaviest ever...that's RIGHT SUCKAS! Read it and WEEP. Ok...don't weep...smile and be happy...and eat a medium rare steak for me. I am now...pre-steroid weight again. Maybe I'LL weep now. Now if I could JUST get back to when I was a cheerleader in highschool............pfft...yeah right. Where's Jimminy Cricket when you need him?

There is a boy I used to love. Truly madly deeply as the song goes. I say BOY because when I loved him...he was a boy. On his way to becoming the great man he is now. He was my first real and true love...and pretty soon...he's going to get married. Literally, up until last year, he and I would talk about how hard it would be on each other when one of us would finally reach that point. When we would marry someone other than each other. Of course, we broke up in 1997 I think it was. Almost 10 years ago. So we knew somewhere in our brains and our hearts that we definitely weren't going to marry each other. I was truly madly deeply in love with another man...and he was in another country doing wonderful things with his life. But there's always that "thing." That thing that says..."It's going to KILL me when you abandon me for another." We haven't even seen each other in years...8 to be exact. But we've emailed....talked. All these years. And I never stopped loving him. Don't let that confuse you. I was truly madly deeply in love with that boy/man 10 years ago. But I LOVE the man that he is.............my FRIEND........now. And when he called me a few months ago to tell me that he had asked his fiancee to marry him, for 30 seconds, I couldn't breathe. He told me that he felt like he owed me a phone call...after all we had talked about over the years...all we shared...he felt like he should tell me in person. Strange....after I started breathing again...after I got the emails with pictures of him and his soon-to-be bride...when I saw that smile of joy on his face...I felt immense happiness for my friend. I wanted this for him. I hope for him that he always remains happy. It's okay to let go sometimes.

It never ceases to amaze me how music can evoke such feelings and emotions from me. One song...one chord...one voice...the very BEGINNING notes of one familiar song can make me want to fall to my knees...or laugh out loud...or dance my fool head off. Sitting at my friend's house the other night at 3 AM...listening to his 500 different CD's...yeah, you read that right...reminded me of my passion for music. It was like every song that came on was this FLASH of something. Country songs that I hadn't heard since I lived in Texas and I wore Wranglers and cowboy boots...(oh PLEASE don't tell anyone that). Mariah Carey songs that I used to crank up in my room and sing at the top of my lungs...even the high notes...and occasionally, I'd hit them dead on. Jimmy Buffet songs that made me want a margarita and put on my flip flops and head to the beach. Barry White songs that made me want to....well....anyway. What I'm trying to say is...MUSIC...it stirs my soul. And I know that sounds SO cheesy, but it does. It inspires me. Makes me think about the world. Makes me think about the singers and the writers who wrote those songs and what was going on in their heads when they wrote them...what is going on in their heads when they sing them. Does the song evoke the same emotion as it does in me? What inspired THEM to write it? I could probably google and find out on some of them. But that would take away the wonder of it all. I think I'll go pull out my MP3s.

Life is really a cool journey if you think about it. And I'm all about the saying, "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." I always say...probably WAY too much...that everything that's happened to me has made me who I am. And I'm happy with who I am right now. I have this yearning though...for something...something more. I want to wake up every morning with that "something important" feeling. I want my heart to always feel full. I want my life to keep on growing. I want to keep slow dancing in the living room at 3 AM. I want to keep walking barefoot in the grass. I want to go back to the dock...let the cops try to stop me.

Jumbled

My mind is jumbled. And I really have no idea how to explain that. Except to just say that it's jumbled with different thoughts. Of all different aspects of my life right now. The past...the present...and the future. Here are a few updates.

My teeth adventure is well underway. I'd say about 2-3 more weeks and I'll have my brand new smile. Meanwhile...I've lost a nice bit of weight seeing that I can only eat a tiny amount of food.

Mom is doing great...feeling great...looking great. That's great news. The other night, however, she got a little down. We were sitting out on the back porch and she said, "I think this cancer is going to kill me." That hit me like a ton of bricks. She talked to me about statistics. About Stage 4 breast cancer and about the possibilities of it becoming "immune" to the drugs that they give her. I didn't want to hear any of it. But I haven't been hearing any of it for 4 years. And here we are...Episode 3. I better start listening if I want to accept any of this. But a part of me is holding out for a miracle. Those still happen, don't they?

When I look at my future, I realize that if I want to move forward, I have to let go of my past...or at least certain parts of it...and that scares me. Makes me freeze. But slowly but surely...I'm letting go. And it feels ok. Scary...and sometimes sad...but sometimes good and ok. And when I think of what the future may hold, I can even feel some excitement. And when I look at what's right in front of my face...even though at first it scares me...and I want to say, no...this can't happen now...I want time to stand still...I want to STAY in my bubble of nothingness...I look at what's in front of me, and I say, ok...I can do this...I can get excited and be ok. It's OKAY to be excited about my life. It's OKAY to be a little bit afraid, but still keep moving ahead. Maybe that makes no sense...this is where things get all jumbled. I could get all specific...but then it would be even MORE jumbled. Ha...leave it to MareBear to go on a rant that makes no sense. All I'm saying is that things are happening for me...feelings are happening for me...and they are scary...but they are okay too. And for the first time in over a year and a half...I'm actually starting to look FORWARD to waking up in the morning. I made that promise to myself when I was first diagnosed with this screwed up disease. I made a promise that no matter what...I would get up out of bed every single morning. And I have kept that promise. But until now, that promise has been kept only because it has been that...a promise that needed to be fulfilled. Every morning, when I opened my eyes, I had to remind myself of that promise and drag myself out of bed. But lately...an amazing thing has happened. I've opened my eyes in the morning and gotten out of bed with a smile on my face because of hope...because of reasons other than a "have to" pull out of bed. And honestly...I should be jumping for joy (figuratively speaking). But I suppose that with everything that's gone on...I'm wondering when the proverbial axe is going to fall. Luckily though...that axe thought is in the back of my mind...and I'm not focusing on that as much as I may have a few years ago.

So...here I go...getting out of bed...kicking ass and taking names. I'm going to take my life on...scary or not. Because if I don't...what am I going to write about?

Ahhh...Good Stuff

Well, Mom had her surgery this past Wednesday after being in the hospital for a few days fighting some bad upper respiratory ICK. She was very ill for those few days, and we were all very concerned about her, but the docs decided she was A-OK to go ahead with the double masectomy. So...after waiting all day, they took her in at 3:15 Wednesday afternoon and she was out and back in her room by 6:30. Her doc pulled us out into the hall to talk to us about the surgery. It went as perfect as it could have gone. He didn't have to go into the muscle at all, her margins looked clean, and there was nothing that they could see in the right breast! YEEE HAWWW! How great is that?!?! He said that she would recover extremely fast. And BOY has she. By the next morning she was chowing down on regular food, practically throwing her arms over her head, asking the docs if they wanted her to attempt a headstand, and said she felt better than she did BEFORE the surgery! I cannot begin to tell you what a relief it all has been for us. Especially Mom...who is so glad to have that cancer off her body.

As for me, tomorrow morning I'm going to call and make my appointments to get the ball rolling on my teeth adventure. Now that Mom has had her surgery, I've got the green light to go ahead and get my stuff taken care of again. So...here we go again.

There's something to be said for making new friends. That's an adventure in itself. A discovery of sorts. I've made a few new friends over the past couple of years. Some of them have become true and forever friends. Some of them have come and gone and left their mark on my life. The thing about friendships...and not just friendships, but the interaction between one human being and another...it's an interesting and complex thing. If you aren't open to listening...if you aren't open to being understanding, then forget making friendships. Or be ready to make superficial ones. Lately, I've been thinking about being "real" with a person. Not being someone you aren't. Someone recently used the example of: If someone tells you that they love a certain ice cream, all of a sudden you find yourself saying you love it too...even though you may not really give a damn either way. Why do we do that? I'm guessing because we are afraid of those parts of us that are not glamorous...the parts of us that may not be in "sync" with that other person. So, we adlib along the way...making these new friendships, or even sustaining current ones...to impress and "keep alive" the facade. But...if we stop...if we make ourselves "raw" again...REAL...then when we make friends...or revel in the friendships or relationships we currently have as our REAL selves...then there isn't anything to be afraid of anymore. There isn't that facade. The barriers are down. Sure, it makes us more vulnerable...and I guess that's why we do it in the first place, right? To hide our insecurities and vulnerability. But when we let go of that...when we just LET GO...wow. It can be so TRUE. The bond that you can build with someone can be so real and unbreakable. No walls...just evoking emotions that are hard to deal with at first. But practice makes perfect. The key is to never abandon yourself for the sake of others. If someone doesn't love you for who you REALLY are...and ALL of who you really are, then they don't deserve to love you. End of it.

Alright, so there's my tangent for the day. Go out and make new friends and be raw and real with them and just see what happens. You may just find you make a friend that is more true and real than you've ever had in your life. And what can beat that? Maybe peanut butter and chocolate ice cream...but you don't have to love it just because I do.

Back In The Bowl

For those of you who haven't been getting my email updates, Mom did NOT have her surgery on Monday. We are the champions of postponed and cancelled surgeries around here. She developed a pretty ugly cough which then turned into a rather bad case of "the crud" the night before her surgery. So, we woke up Monday morning, and not only was MOM really sick, but so was Grandma Lynda. So while Dad was taking Mom to the hospital to get IV antibiotics, I was taking Grandma L to the Urgent Care Clinic to get HER some antibiotics. So for the past week, we've been doctoring the gals and making sure they are rested up because NOW the surgery is rescheduled for THIS Monday. Unless the bird flu or anthrax finds its way into our household. OK...you know what. I really should not be saying things like that. Knowing MY family's luck....... Mom and Grandma L are feeling much better than they did a few days ago. I even caught them out pulling weeds in the yard for a couple of hours yesterday...oh yeah...WELL on their way to recovery.

As for me...I'm doing ok. And by "ok" I mean that I am just mentally putting one foot in front of the other. And I'm managing to do it without breaking something valuable. Several things have gone on personally for me that have been both good and bad lately. And as I don't like to ALL the time get into too much personal stuffs especially if it has to do with someone else...I will just leave it as this.

Yesterday was a special day for me...not many people know why...and to anyone other than myself and a select few...it doesn't matter why. What matters is that it made me think about a lot of things. It made me think of how far I'd come...with a lot of help and love...to believe in myself again. Because several years ago, I was completely empty. I didn't think that another living soul on the planet would ever love me. And I don't mean that I would have one of those "PMS" moments where I'd cry and scream, "NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME!!" No...I truly believed it. You see, a long time ago, someone made me believe that. Someone made me believe that I wasn't worth the shit on the bottom of someone's shoe. And it was drilled into my brain so many times and with so much force that I actually started to believe it. I believed that I had nothing to offer. I had zero confidence in myself. I was scared of the world. But then an amazing thing happened. One day...love, belief, confidence, hope, strength and safety found me. Walked right in my door and made me speechless. See, people come into your life for a reason. Six years later and I believe in myself again. I can hope again. I can love again...and most importantly BE loved again. And while life changes and people change and circumstances change...one thing always remains the same....

When someone touches your life, they leave an imprint on your heart. Sometimes that imprint can hurt like a bruise and needs love and caring to heal it...but it always remains. And sometimes...the imprint is that of truth and strength and hope and above all...love. And when the people who leave these kinds of imprints come into your lives, they remain in your heart long after they are gone. It's a cycle of healing and loving and leaving imprints. So, just know that no matter how short of a time you are in a person's life...you are leaving an imprint. Make sure you are leaving the right one. You just may be healing a bruise...you just may be strengthening a spirit...you just may be mending a broken heart...you just may be restoring hope.

Some imprints are deep...all are everlasting...few are genuine and pure love.

Some Things

First off, an update...
Mom is having a double masectomy on Monday. She's not going to have reconstruction right now because it would just be too tough of a surgery and recovery for her at the moment. She and the docs will revisit that in about 6 months to a year. Grandma Lynda is coming up here to stay with us and help Mom while she recovers. Mom has talked with me a little bit about how she's feeling, but I can't imagine really how she feels. How it must feel to lose something that is part of your femininity. We actually haven't talked too much about the cancer. I guess you could say I'm not handling this very well. We keep joking that I can only take this in "bits and pieces, bits and pieces." I will keep everyone posted on how she is doing.

I had 2 more teeth pulled on Wednesday and one filled that they are leaving in. Because Mom is having her surgery so soon, we are having to put off the rest of the extractions for a few weeks. I feel a bit like a hillbilly walking around with so many teeth gone out of my head. Definitely won't be eating steak for a while.

Other things...
It absolutely AMAZES me how one minute you think you know someone and the next minute they turn around and show you that you didn't know them one single itsy bitsy bit. When someone tells you and SHOWS you that they are a true friend...trust me when I say that you still need to keep your eyes open. The world is full of people with double standards.

Also...what has HAPPENED to women these days??? OK...I know that I am a woman. And I used to be a jealous woman. Yeah, I was one of "those" women. And I can sit here and give you a mighty damn good reason for it, but really, it wouldn't matter. Because I was lucky enough to get the hell over it a few years ago. And when I say get over it...I mean that I got over it and now I am ANTI-BITCHY-JEALOUS-MAN-HATING-HOLIER-THAN-THOU-THINKS-SHE-RULES-THE-MALE-SPECIES-WOMAN. I mean, granted...I can get an attitude when called for, but REALLY...CHILL THE HELL OUT girls!!! Let me have a word with you. There is NO reason that you have to know every detail of your

boyfriend's/date's/husband's/fiance's/lover's/pimp's/homey's/fella's

EX - girlfriends/dates/wife or wives/fiancee/lovers/hoes/homeys/gals

whatsoever. Not only was he probably a different guy with them, but you probably do not WANT to know that she was WORSE or BETTER

on a date/with money/cooking food/communicating/looking/

AND ESPECIALLY...........IN BED!!!!!

So you know what?? LEAVE IT ALONE! He's with YOU now! As long as he's not showing up with lipstick on his collar...shut the hell up. Who CARES how many chicks he's been with as long as he's CLEAN. That's what matters in this day and age. Seriously. If you open a can of worms about his emotional feelings with his ex "whatevers" then all you're doing is comparing YOURSELF to that person. HE most likely is not constantly comparing you to her. If he was...he would BE with her. Not with you. Now...don't hate me for saying all of that ladies. I am NOT by any means saying that you can't share your hurts over past relationships. The MAJOR issues like WHY you broke up and such things like that. Sharing such things are a part of being with someone...but ONLY if each of you WANT to share such things. If he WANTS to share, then by all means...yippee freaking skippee. It's actually NOT required believe it or not. But DETAILS don't need to be brought up and for some strange reason, women like to torment themselves by wanting to know ALL the details about their men's past lives. The past is the past and that's where it stays. It doesn't need to be drudged up over and over again. Let it friggin' BE and save yourselves some heartache girls. OH...and another thing. If you find yourselves plotting ways to "rescue" or "change" your man within the first 6 months of knowing him. Give it the hell up.

OK...I feel a little bit better now I think.

Randomness Part Uh...437

My neighbors and I have adopted an outside cat...we share her. I have named her Emma. She worships me.

Ron White is going to be at the Pearl River Resort Saturday, June 3rd...SATURDAY. OK...my comps are only for WEEKDAYS...bloody hell. But, as he likes to say, "I believe if life gives you lemons....make lemonade. Then find someone with vodka and have yourself a party!!" Ron...you rule. Pass the smirnoff.

I have dyed my hair...again. I bought "Warm Golden Brown." Instead...it's dark chestnut brown with auburn highlights. And it's fabulous. I know you're jealous. Don't try to hide it.

Anderson Cooper's new book, Dispatches From The Edge is out now. It's basically in a nutshell supposed to be his memoir. OK. I like Anderson. I don't have any reason to DISLIKE him. He's been getting some beatings from certain media outlets that his book really can't be considered a memoir because he doesn't talk about his personal life...i.e. being gay. He does, however, talk about his father's death. He also talks about how his brother threw himself off of his mother's (Gloria Vanderbilt) penthouse balcony right in front of her. For a guy that started out as a freelance journalist traveling around the world trying to show people the CRAP that goes on...I think we need to cut the guy a friggin break already.

Sometimes things happen. And it may be a good thing or a bad thing...doesn't matter what "thing." And you may be scared. Because you may have been through it before, and you're scared of getting hurt or burned or lost or turned away or "we can't help this time" or just scared. Or you may be starting a new chapter in your life...or maybe your world SEEMS turned upside down...or maybe your days seem to be running together. Or maybe you're just tired. But this thing that's happening...whatever it may be...don't look back. Don't ask why. Don't analyze. Because it won't get you anywhere. Remember that great achievements, great opportunities, great love, great outcomes, great happiness........sometimes involve great risk. Go ahead and risk it...what if you get hit by an asteroid tomorrow?

If someone calls you a pathetic loser...THEY are the pathetic loser...no matter what the situation.

I really am going to quit smoking............really...............I am.

I own about 423,567 candles, and I don't ever light them.

I own about 423,566 pairs of flip flops, and I alternate wearing only 2 pair of them. Unless it's a special occasion of course...then I break out the stash.

I own 1 dress...and I never....ever....EVER wear it. And that doesn't phase me one single itsy bitsy bit. If it bothers you....call Anderson Cooper.

I had a nightmare once about Bruce Willis chasing me through a haunted house naked...HE was naked, not me. And let me tell ya...it was not a pretty sight. I had seen a movie with him in a POOL.....NAKED....ok...and then my cousin was telling me a story about her getting chased through the haunted house at the very end by the chainsaw guy. SO naturally, that night...I had a nightmare that naked Bruce (with cold water flapping winkie) was running after me through a haunted house! This was seriously, like, 4 years ago that I had this dream. I am still to this day traumatized by it. And now you are too.

Party on Wayne.

The Mini Vaca

With all the dramarama going on around here, I decided I needed a little R&R. So I took my casino comps (free night, free cash and free meal), and headed up to the Pearl River Resort for a night all by myself. I was thinking it would be perfect. I could hang out at the penny and nickel slots...drink some free drinks...have a good steak at the Bistro...and crash out on the king size bed in a FREEEEEEZING cold room for a night of solitude, peace and quiet, and no Nermies.

After the hour and a half drive there, I walked in to what appeared to be Retirement Jamboree Day at the Golden Moon. Senior citizens poured out of every nook and cranny. Lines a million people long were at every place I needed to go. On a Monday. But...that's ok...I was in no hurry at all. After I finally got my room key and had given the desk clerk my $50 deposit for my FREE room in case I decided to watch any porn (don't they know they should've asked me for at LEAST $100 with my porn addiction!) I got up to my room on the 11th floor and immediately turned the thermostat to "Igloo." Then I proceeded to go downstairs and immediately lose some money. SO I went back upstairs and watched Law and Order until time for dinner. I headed over to the Bistro with my free meal ticket in hand ready to chow down on a New York strip steak medium rare, eggs, hashbrowns and toast. Yummy. The plate came out steaming hot. Eggs scrambled soft just like I like em. Steak mooing just a little. Time to dig in. One problem though. Have you ever tried to eat a steak when you've recently had a root canal on one side of your mouth and on the other side of your mouth you've had extractions and a dry socket? Well, if you haven't ever tried it, don't. A little less than half the steak gone (which took me about 1/2 an hour to accomplish) and I was dunzo. But hey...it was free. Back to the slots where I finally grabbed my fav Texas Tea and of COURSE it didn't fail me. Won back my money plus some. And had my way with a few amaretto sours in the process. It was a little boring having no one to talk to, but that WAS the whole purpose of me coming here by myself wasn't it? Ahhh. Time for some serious sleepage. Once I got back to my room and wiped the icicles off the bed and snuggled in, I was OUT. That is...until about 4 AM. When all hell broke loose.

I woke up to screams and grunts and a child crying. And you know when you wake up in a place that you are unfamiliar with, you are totally disoriented at first. My heart is beating 1000 beats a minute and I'm wondering if I'm dreaming. Then a thud...right beside my hotel room door. Holy Do Not Disturb Batman. I jump out of the bed and go over to the door and look out the peep hole and all I can see is a couple of arms swinging. But I can HEAR everything. A child is screaming, "Mommy!!! You're BLEEDING!!" Mommy was screaming at her husband to stop hitting her...to put away the knife. I run to the phone and call down to the front desk. Tell them I'm on the 11th floor, there's a woman who I believe is getting the living crap beat out of her and she might be bleeding...please send security. The woman on the phone said, "Okkkkaaaay." Maybe she thought I was dreaming too. In 2 minutes I heard the man and woman freak out and try to RUN from the security guards into their hotel room. The woman actually didn't want her freak of a husband to go to jail. But security saw what room they went into...not to mention, you could have heard that poor child screaming from a mile away. They pulled the woman and child out into the hall and started questioning her. I couldn't hear all of it over the sound of walkie talkies and people coming and going. Her excuse was this..."We're just so TIRED!" Umm hmm. Whatever lady. You're child just witnessed your husband beat and cut you up, and you're hyperventilating and crying and bleeding all over the place. You're tired my ass. So, for the next 2 1/2 hours I listened to crying and yelling and walkie talkies and doors slamming and people running and walking and talking and blah blah blah until I finally passed back out again. I woke up again just in time to get my stuff out of the room for check out. People...let me tell you something.

Drama

follows

me

everywhere.

After the night I had, I probably SHOULDN'T have tried my luck at the slots again, but I'm glad I did. I played the nickel slots and won $200. AND I walked away. However...I have no idea how much I came out ahead. Because I don't know exactly how much I brought and how much I spent and all that jazz. Case in point why I need a casino money management coach...cough cough...BT. I have to say that I'm glad I went. It WAS good to get away for a night...even if it was rudely interrupted. And I'll be going back soon...VERY soon...with my June comps. But next time I'll be asking for the room with the king size bed on the DRAMA FREE floor.

Stay tuned for more adventures!

~*MareBear*~