How Come?

How come we get these crazy or not so crazy dreams in our heads as children and teens and think that there's nothing to stop us to get to that point? And then how come some of us get exactly what we imagined and some of us get just the opposite? Is it God telling us something? Do others just have more willpower and stick-to-it-iveness than other people? Can we turn things around after things have gone horribly wrong and still achieve what we want? I suppose these are questions to ponder and things to pray about if you are a spiritual person. And where do those dreams come from anyway? Are they a product of our environment? Something that our parents put in our heads as kids? Something THEY really wanted but never got?? I guess the answer to that question is all of the above...just some people get their dreams from different sources. My dream when I was a kid was to be a pediatrician. Back then, I was gung-ho! I bought medical books and read encyclopedias...even had a meeting with MY pediatrician and took notes on what he did all day. And I wasn't even a TEENAGER yet! Now though...I don't think I could do that. I am not sure my stomach could handle some of the things that these nurses and doctors (bless their souls) DO! Did I let that dream go because as a child I didn't realize what it would take? Did I let it go because I didn't think I could achieve it? Or was it just my course in life that led me away from it? My childhood best friend, MA, she wanted to be an elementary school teacher. She wanted to go to Auburn. She had her life down to the letter...as I thought I had mine...Today, MA is getting her Master's degree from Auburn in childhood education! Me...I'm sitting here with a disability after MANY unsuccessful jobs and no professional schooling. Not that I'm throwing a pity party...I'm not. It's just that every year that goes by I think, ya know...it's not too late for me to get a degree. But here I am, 24 years old and NADA. I do admit that I've been lazy, or depressed, or just haven't WANTED it bad enough to go after it. I have no idea...all I know is that I have from tomorrow until the end of my life to make it right. If I said that I regretted my whole life, I'd be lying. Yes, I made some major mistakes and I could've done a heck of a lot of things better. But WOW...I've had a great life and I hope that I have a lot of time left to make my life even better. I've loved and lost and found love again to be the best that I could've imagined. I've broken my mother's heart, but by the grace of God, we are the closest that a mother and daughter could be. I spent so many years depressed and on medication...and now I am happy without medication in the midst of some really bad times. I still have many hopes and dreams. Some of them realistic, some of them, maybe not so much. But I do know one thing. I am blessed to have a great family. I am blessed to have a man in my life who is my best friend, lover and partner. I am blessed to have AVN...yep, I am. Because maybe I wouldn't have come to the conclusion of how blessed I really am if I hadn't gone through all the turmoil of this disease. So, maybe I've answered my own question. How come we have these dreams when we are kids of what we want our life to be?? I think it's because of hope. If we had nothing to dream of, we wouldn't have any hope. We'd have no ambition. We'd have nothing to look forward to. We'd have nothing to stir our souls and our hearts and to tell us, even if it's a whisper, that "we are blessed!"

The Long Birmingham Stay

Well, as it turns out, what was supposed to be a week and a half trip has now turned into an almost 3 week stay. G has 3 days off in a row next weekend and we decided that instead of him coming to Jackson and #1 spending all the money in gas and #2 spending precious time that he COULD be spending with me, driving, and #3 the stress of dealing with leaving his mom (which SO much goes into) we decided to just stay in town and spend the time just the two of us. We'll probly hit V-land if it doesn't rain...and maybe go see some movies and out to eat and stuff.

Yesterday we went to Pearl River Resort...we took his mom for her birthday...it was the first road trip she had been on since before the stroke FIVE years ago!! I was so glad that she decided to go...she was pretty uncomfortable in the car on the way down there, but we moved her around and she did ok. And then after several hours of being in the wheelchair at the casino, she was feeling a little sore and tired so we headed home. She told me this morning that she feels like she got hit by a truck...but hopefully G and her can walk some more and she can feel better the next time we go. Mom met us there and I was SO glad...G's mom really liked her and I think was relieved to have someone near her age to talk to. Mom was brilliant as usual...she knows just what to say to anyone. Who couldn't love her?!?! As for the gambling aspect. G and his mom came out about even and mom did too. I lost almost $70! UGH! I didn't even realize I had spent that much!!! I wanted to throw up! But oh well. I had fun, so that's all that matters.

We had "doggie spa day" the other day...we gave all the dogs baths and flea stuff and put on some hot spot medicine...but MAN they are STILL itching! Mom said it's just a really bad allergy season for animals. So, I may have to buy some allergy pills for them. WOW this post is extremely boring!!!

Well, I guess I am just trying to keep up with this blog and make sure I write in it somewhat often.

Little Tidbits:

Al the rat is about to die. He hasn't eaten in over a week and his breathing is labored. I think it's because he was so lonely after Whiskers died. As soon as Frita dies, we will NOT be getting anymore rats for a VERY long time!

I am so glad that me and G's mom are getting so much closer.

I really need to quit smoking, but I love it too much, and I'm afraid I will gain my 50 pounds back.

Susie is the coolest friend EVER...who ever said that there was a problem with an age difference between friends!!!

I miss Annie and Whitney and Tigger...oh yeah, and Mom and Dad! HA! LY MI!

Vault drinks are the bomb diggity...send me stuff.

I need to clean more and want to paint and redo the whole house.

They poured the foundation for our house in J the other day! FINALLY!!! YIPPEE!

My mom is the best person that I've ever known.

I love G with all my heart and soul and can't imagine my life without him.

Nermies is the best kitty cat that anyone could ever own. And no, he's not the one that's 20 years old!

I want a boob lift and a tummy tuck once I've lost the rest of my weight.

My hip hurts.

I am hoping that my little sister doesn't make the same mistakes I did. I hope she doesn't start drinking.

I wish that I had a fabulous career and could make my own way in life.

I have a feeling that I can't have kids and it breaks my heart.

The Closer is the best TV show ever.

Even after you've been with someone for years and years, your sex life can still be wonderful.

You CAN fall in love with the same person over and over again.

Daydreaming never hurt anyone.

Or maybe it has.

Alrighty. That's it for now! I'm kind of in a writing mood, so I might be on here again sooner rather than later!!! Love you all so very very much!!

Peace out home chili fries!!


~Mare Bear

Weirdness

Is it weird that I have a cat that is 20 years old? I mean, really. She is TWENTY...I got her when I was FIVE. She's totally deaf but still runs around like a crazy kitty. I can't remember a time when I didn't have her in my life. When or IF she ever does die...I won't know what to do with myself. This is the kitty twilight zone...welcome to my world.

Gnats SUCK!

You know those no seeums or whatever the heck they call those things?!?!? I HATE THEM! They are EVERYWHERE here in the summertime. Anyway. I got back to Jackson today. Uneventful trip yippee. Listened to a B O R I N G book on CD, but I will probably finish it anyway, since I never leave a book unfinished.

Bill Mahr SUCKS as a human being. I know I shouldn't say things like that about people, but REALLY...he called Jesus an "imaginary friend!" I mean, is that REALLY necessary? And what ticked me off even more was that #1 HBO would air a horrible stand up show like that, and #2 that the thousands of people there were cheering this idiot ON! What is UP with that?!?! I saw this program last WEEK and it's still bothering me enough to write in down in my second paragraph.

A at G's work is SERIOUSLY screwed up...she is a freaking manager and she eats stuff off people's plates before she takes it out to the table...she eats stuff off the salad bar with her BARE HANDS in front of customers....she takes shots of alcohol, on the clock, in her uniform, in front of staff and customers...she serves MINORS alcohol...I don't even know where to START with that one. W is very nonconfrontational and won't do a dang thing about it...poor G...he needs to get into macrame or something!

K had a great first day of highschool. According to her, and I quote, "The school was great, the teachers were great and there are TONS of hot guys there." Were there hot guys in highschool when I was 14, ten years ago? Ugh...did I say that out loud? I was totally boy crazy at her age. And she seems to be taking after her big sister, Lord HELP HER! :) She's seriously the coolest kid ever. I ENJOY talking to her unlike a lot of teenagers who bore me out of my mind with petty stuff. But she's great. But I may be a bit partial!

Cuz A is doing pretty well. I miss our old days, but I'm glad that she's married with a great stepson now. She has a terrific hubby and she's a great mom. Which is great since she didn't and DOESN'T have the best of mom's herself. But she's perservered. And I know she'll keep doing so. She's is, has been, and always will be one of my best friends. We just "click" like that. I think it's cause we share middle names.

It's weird being in this house without the dogs. I'm used to them barking when Dad comes home, so earlier he scared the crapola out of me. Crazy Indian.

I love the smell of the new Downy Simple Pleasures vanilla and jasmine...YUM. Send me some free stuff.

I wish I could bend down to paint my own toenails, cause Mom comes after me with that pointy wooden thing beforehand and it looks like Freddy Kruger has gotten a hold of my toes.

I wish I could be an artist and make money at it.

I wish that I could keep my room clean and organized and not just "intend" to keep it that way.

Sometimes I wonder, What might have been.

Sometimes I buy books just because they are cheap at a thrift store and I like the look of the cover. I don't even read what it's about before I buy it. Mostly, I end up liking them.

I wish I could be a photographer and make money at it.

I hate cross stitching and knitting and anything having to do with a stick and thread...makes me nervous, although my mom is terrific at it and has tried to teach me...unfortunately, neither of us are patient so her teaching me something that frustrates me just is NOT a good plan.

I still have a CD with New Kids on the Block songs on it...hangin tough.

I wish that this woman upstairs from us would stop doing kickboxing in every room of her house.

I can't wait until the new Casting Crowns CD comes out. I like that Mom has learned most of the words to all the songs, and now enthusiastically talks to other people about them.

I love that my mom is so into her faith now.

I miss M and Grandpa D.

Peace out home chili fries!

~MareBear

The First of Hopefully Many

In Biloxi now...hanging with grandma L and Mom. Went to the casino last night and amazingly won $120 on the 5 cent slot machines! WHAT is that about?!?! Anywho...Next door neighbor who, might I add, is freakin 60 something years old, went out to a bar, got smashed, DROVE home and fell out of his car and smashed his face on the concrete and PASSED OUT! It was unbelievable...kind of sad actually. Of course, when G called me we were right in the midst of dealing with that drama, but I REALLY wanted to tell him that I won the money...so...I told him, "Hey...gotta call you back. We've got some major drama going on here...Neighbor passed out drunk in the driveway. But I have GOOD NEWS!" Without skipping a beat my witty hunny says, "You saved a bunch of money on your car insurance by switching to Geico?!" I about fell out. And this has been the laugh that has been circulating through my family since last night. Leave it to G to bring humor where you think there is none.

I'm pretty freakin excited about going out with my little sis on Friday. It's so funny that we've never been really close and thanks to the miracle of Yahoo Messenger we are talking every day. I feel so old being around her and talking to her. It's been 10 years since I've been 14 and I'd forgotten what it was like. She starts highschool TOMORROW. FREAKIN HIGHSCHOOL! That means that I'm REALLY REALLY old. HA! But anyway, when I go back to town Friday the first thing on my agenda is to take her out on the town, which I've never done. We have NEVER really even spent time alone together. She spent the night at my apartment about 4 years ago or something, but we didn't go out or anything, so now we ARE! Which means I will be driving 3 hours back to Jackson tomorrow morning (Thursday) and then turning right around and driving almost 4 hours back to Birmingham Friday morning. Ugh...and THEN I have to get ready and drive out to Pinson to get her, then drive an hour back to Bessemer to eat dinner, then drive to Hoover to watch a movie, then drive her back home to Pinson, THEN drive myself BACK to Hoover. But it will totally be worth it. And I'm pretty used to the drive now, though I'm sure my ailing hip does NOT thank me! Anywho...me and K are going to eat at G's resturaunt and then we are probably going to go see the Fantastic Four! WOO HOO! LOL. Fun fun.

Grandma L and my mom are talking about Grandpa D outside and telling the story over and over again about how he died. UGH. I miss him a lot and I'm tired of hearing about his death. But oh well. I know it's good for them to keep talking about it. I'm just going to walk away when they start to.

Mom and I were also talking about the incident between UJ and M&D. I didn't realize that M had such a loyalty to D. Talking about it made me sad because I always had this view of M that she was the sweetest lady on the planet. And I still believe that she was the sweetest lady on the planet. It just kind of stung to hear a person that you've put up on this huge pedestal get knocked down a couple notches. But anyway.

Well, I guess that's about it for now, cause I'm just staring so hard at the computer screen that my eyes go in and out of focus, know what I mean? SO...I will write more laters. Peace out home chili fries!

~~MareBear