Panic Attack!!!

So I go to the ortho doc yesterday. Dr. Warmth-and-Charm walks in and I tell him that I don't want to have the CD on March 1st. He says, "Well, ok...let's do the hip replacement then." I was like, Exsqueeze me??? I think not. Many of you are asking at this point, well WHY NOT MARE?!?!? And that's exactly what HE asked, "WHY NOT?!? This is what YOU wanted!!" See this is the original doc that I saw that told me I absolutely could not have a hip replacement because I was too young before he even looked at my x-rays. I tore him a new one and told him, OH YES I WILL have one. Told him that I knew a lot about AVN and knew what I was talking about! (Docs just LOVE that...especially 5th year residents like Doc Charming here.) So when he finally DID get around to looking at my x-rays that first day, he was TICKED to discover that *aghast* the patient was RIGHT!! I DID need a hip replacement! He looked perfectly GREY that day. But YESTERDAY he was getting a kick out of me being vulnerable. But...I was not having it...no way, no how. I am not mentally prepared to have a total hip replacement in a week. I was thinking I was going to have a CD surgery. I was thinking I was going to be in a wheelchair for 2 months, then I'd stand up and be walking around, STILL WITH MY OWN BONES in my body!! What HE was talking about is a whole different set of circumstances. I'd have FAKE parts in my body and not be able to bend over 90 degrees for MONTHS...not be able to put on my own socks...not know my limitations...the UNKNOWN which I have talked about before...and I'm sorry, but I just can't prepare for all of that in a WEEK!!!!!!!!!

But I feel like a coward. I am still going to get the hip replacement. I will. It will now be scheduled for PROBABLY 2-3 months from now at the earliest. I go back to see this Dr. Wonderful in a week because I had to do a metal allergy test. So hopefully he can give me a better idea as to when he has scheduled it then. But I feel like a failure and a coward. Here I was screaming from the rooftops and yelling to ANYONE who could hear me that I NEED AND DESERVE a hip replacement. And now they are handing me one right in my face and I'm telling them to TAKE IT BACK. I'm scared out of my mind. SCARED TO DEATH. I don't want it. I don't want this disease. I want to hand it to someone else now. Someone else can have it. I'm through being strong. I'm through being the advocate. I'm just done. I hate it. I don't want any of it anymore. I'm tired of hurting every day. I'm tired of planning my days around THIS. I'm tired of not living. But at the same time, I'm so scared to go into that unknown place. How long before I can bend down and put on my socks? How long before I can bring my knee up in my chair? Which ways can I move without being scared that my hip will dislocate? Will I ever be able to run with my children that I now know I can have them?? All these damn questions.

So...here I sit tonight...feeling panicky and stressed and guilty and scared and lots of other things. I will have the hip replacement. But I won't be having it March 1st. If there are people out there STILL wondering why...you can bite me. If you love and care about me, but for some crazy reason are still having a hard time understanding why I didn't have the hip replacement March 1st, please just try to bear with me. I will get there eventually.

Love to all as always,

~*MareBear*~