Every Once In A While

Thursday I went for my consult at the new dentist. It did NOT go well. Seems that pretty much every tooth SUCKS. At least 3 teeth need root canals. And the rest of them need to be worked on...big time. She also told me that if I wanted to invest the time and money into FIXING all of my teeth instead of removing all of them and just getting fake ones, that I might as well kiss sugary stuff goodbye forever. Meaning...I can never drink sodas AGAIN. Goodbye Vaults. Well, you know what. NO THANKS. Just take them all out and give me fake ones. I am NOT kidding.

Every once in a while...I get really really really tired of rolling with the punches. I get tired of brushing the dirt off. I get tired of having to keep my sense of humor about all of this. I'm sick of having this pain. I'm sick of going through horrible procedures that put me in even more pain. I'm sick and tired of being positive. Every once in a while...I get tired of feeling utterly alone even though I'm surrounded by people. Because at night, when the lights go out...it's just me. And I have to deal with this all by myself. And the people who say that they are "there for me" are at home with the people they love. They are with people that need them. Nermil needs me. Every once in a while I get really pissed off. I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of being patient. I'm tired of dealing with all of this. I'm tired of feeling like I have to be happy in the face of adversity. Sometimes...every once in a while...I just want to be mad. I want to be angry. I want to be in bed with the covers over my face imagining that this isn't happening to me. Every once in a while...I want to hand this over to someone else. I want something GOOD to happen for once. Every once in a while I get tired of people telling me that "things could be worse." Yes, I already know that. But right now, things suck for me...so I don't want to hear that, OK?!?!? I'm tired of not living. I'm tired of not doing. I'm tired of pain. I'm tired of doctors. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of smiling when I don't want to.

I'm just tired. Really tired. And every once in a while...I wish this wasn't happening to me.