I will never forget the first time I got drunk. I remember it so well because it happened on the same night that I went to my first "real" concert (we are SO not counting New Kids on the Block) and the same night that I had my first cigarette. OK...the same night I had my first 20 cigarettes. I was 14 years old and was back in Birmingham for the first time after moving to Texas. We were going to go see Dave Matthews Band at the Oak Mountain Amphitheater. This was back in the day when they still had "the lawn" and that's where WE were going to sit! Hell yeah. "The lawn," for those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, is basically a big grassy area above all of the seats in the amphitheater that you still have to pay to get a spot in, but you can freely mull about in. Sit wherever you want to. Get up and dance around. Act like a fool. Drink and form conga lines 20 people long. Spread blankets out and have a picnic while you enjoy the beauty of drunkeness and music. "The lawn" RULED!!! It was also where 14 year olds got college boys to buy them beer and give them cigarettes and the cops couldn't keep up with it. Needless to say..."the lawn" is no longer there. It has been filled in with more seats. *Sigh* Anyway...here was the crew...Mary Ann (my best friend), Frank, Jeremy, Matt, and Beth. Frank's dad and his friend drove us there in Frank's dad's car. All of us...in one car. Not a van...a car...a little BMW car. Keep that in mind for later. So we get there and Frank's dad and friend head backstage because the lucky dogs had passes...leaving us kids free to go wild by ourselves. Beth...the smart gal...had brought a water bottle full of vodka that we proceeded to chug before even entering the gates. *Note - To this day vodka is still my favorite booze.* Once inside we made our way to the lawn and found a prime spot. We could see the stage relatively well...we were close to friendly and already smashed college dudes...we were far away from cops...we were close to beer stands. Sweet. The next 3 hours were a blur of beer, cigarettes, and at one point I took off my shirt only to have Jeremy dive over me and put his shirt on me to keep me from totally losing my ever loving mind...or anything else for that matter. DMB totally rocked the house and by the end of the concert I found myself laid out on the lawn with my eyes closed hands laid out beside me and someone stepped on my hand. I opened my eyes. Matt was staring at me and light was bright above his head. For a moment...I thought that maybe I had died and Matt was God. Then...I realized that a cop was the one who had stepped on my hand. MMmmmmmk. Gotta get up now. Luckily for me, there were about 1000 other 14 year old drunk girls there, so he just told me to get up and leave. Not so luckily for me...Frank's dad and his friend were equally tanked. But did that stop him from taking 6 kids home in the back of his itty bitty BMW car? PFFT!! NO WAY MAN!! Where's your sense of adVENTURE?!?!? Managing this task required having everyone squeeze into the backseat and have me sit on Mary Ann's lap with my legs across everyone else. It was great fun until I heard sirens behind us. I freaked the flip OUT!!!!! I just knew I was about to be arrested for public drunkeness and my parents were still in Texas and they'd lock me up in Alabama forever and I'd never see them again and I wonder if that guy from Auburn really thought I was cute or if he was just really drunk oh but who cares I'm about to be thrown in the slammer and become some Big Bertha's Bitch and never see the light of day again! At this point I'm flailing my arms and I punched Mary Ann's nose. She screams. And then I saw the fire truck roar past. Frank's dad pulled into the nearest gas station to assess the situation in the backseat. He literally had to open the door and pull me out by grabbing me under my arms. He set me down on the curb at the gas station. I looked over at Mary Ann and her nose was bleeding. Man...I did that. I looked down at the ground ashamed of myself. I saw ants crawling by the curb. Ants. Ants marching. ANTS MARCHING!! Oh my gosh!! Dave Matthews sings Ants Marching!!! This was a profound situation!!! I had discovered something incredibly meaningful and hilarious and I was cracking up so hard I could barely breathe. Mary Ann, however, did not seem to find the humor in it. Hmm.
When all was said and done, I was incredibly sick for most of the night and had a MAJOR hangover the next morning. One of those, "I will NEVER drink another drop of alcohol again!" hangovers. Ha...ha...HA! Fun times! Now the Oak Mountain Amphitheater is the Verizon Wireless something or other...and there is no "lawn." I have not seen Dave Matthews since. But I have seen vodka.
Rock on Dave...keep those ants marching.
July 29, 2006
July 27, 2006
The Time Has Come My Friends...For More Fabulous Randomness
My new smile rocks the ever lovin' hizzouse. Please refer to the post below. I attempted to eat McDonald's french fries tonight. My first real food since getting my teeth. (Send me stuff) And ohhhh man it felt weird. But ohhhh man were those fries good.
I got yet ANOTHER new cell phone today because...ok...this may take a minute to explain...bear with me. Mom and I were trying to jump off her car battery...and see, what happened was...I put my cell phone on the front bumper of my car while I was acting like a professional mechanic and hooking up the jumper cables. Then I realized that I hadn't pulled up to her car close enough. So I went and got in my car...with the hood still up...to pull it a little bit closer. Needless to say, I backed up a little bit...and my phone fell off....hard. Mom picked it up before I ran back over it, so I didn't think much of it at the time, but later on I went to call someone because ALAS I realized that I was NOT a professional mechanic and ALAS I could NOT do something as simple as jump off a friggin car. So when I went to call someone...the phone dialed, but I couldn't HEAR anything!!! ARGH! Well, we can't have that, now can we? So...I had to go searching all over the place for a new phone...and since obviously I've had so much trouble with Motorola phones lately (DON'T send me stuff!) I opted for a Samsung. So far...so good. But I've only had it one night. Oh yeah...and mom's battery is still dead. Don't call me if you need any help with your car...unless you have a flat tire in the desert...THAT I can do.
I can drink a gallon of skim milk in 2 days by myself. One if I'm low on Vaults. Milk...it does a body good.
When faced with adversity of any kind...Put your big girl panties on and freakin' deal with it already. And if it's something REALLY big...........go commando and be PROUD!
Sometimes...and I really want YOU to pay attention here. Sometimes...what's right in front of you is what you're not looking at. Sometimes...you have to risk being afraid in order to exist beyond mediocrity. Sometimes...what you're looking so hard to find...has been there all along or is right there within arms reach.
Read any good books lately? Me either. Don't fret my friends. I'm on it.
Lance Bass is gay....LANCE BASS IS GAY! I can finally rest my weary head now. I can finally sleep a full night now. No more tossing and turning. No more sleepless nights of wondering if my favorite N'SYNC member's sexual preference would ever become national-public-hysterical-insane-news. Lance Bass is gay. Let's all have a moment of silence shall we? Mmmm k.
I am seriously becoming addicted to poker. Watching it...not playing it. Is there a support group for that?
I see girls these days that are 10 years old and younger walking around with shorts that are literally showing the bottom of their asses. OK? I'm serious. And walking around with their little halter tops and makeup and crap like that. Maybe I'm just getting OLD or something. But when I was that age...my momma would have slapped the SHIT out of me if I walked out of my house looking like that. Let alone BOUGHT me that stuff. And here I see mothers taking their daughters to buy this stuff. Ummm. I guess I could go off on this for days...and I mean, I'm sure there are bigger battles to fight...but JEEZ OH PETE!!! Put some clothes on the child.
I wonder if therapy dogs look at normal dogs and say, "You lazy ass...get a job."
Those few french fries were like filet mignon after not eating anything for 4 days.
I got yet ANOTHER new cell phone today because...ok...this may take a minute to explain...bear with me. Mom and I were trying to jump off her car battery...and see, what happened was...I put my cell phone on the front bumper of my car while I was acting like a professional mechanic and hooking up the jumper cables. Then I realized that I hadn't pulled up to her car close enough. So I went and got in my car...with the hood still up...to pull it a little bit closer. Needless to say, I backed up a little bit...and my phone fell off....hard. Mom picked it up before I ran back over it, so I didn't think much of it at the time, but later on I went to call someone because ALAS I realized that I was NOT a professional mechanic and ALAS I could NOT do something as simple as jump off a friggin car. So when I went to call someone...the phone dialed, but I couldn't HEAR anything!!! ARGH! Well, we can't have that, now can we? So...I had to go searching all over the place for a new phone...and since obviously I've had so much trouble with Motorola phones lately (DON'T send me stuff!) I opted for a Samsung. So far...so good. But I've only had it one night. Oh yeah...and mom's battery is still dead. Don't call me if you need any help with your car...unless you have a flat tire in the desert...THAT I can do.
I can drink a gallon of skim milk in 2 days by myself. One if I'm low on Vaults. Milk...it does a body good.
When faced with adversity of any kind...Put your big girl panties on and freakin' deal with it already. And if it's something REALLY big...........go commando and be PROUD!
Sometimes...and I really want YOU to pay attention here. Sometimes...what's right in front of you is what you're not looking at. Sometimes...you have to risk being afraid in order to exist beyond mediocrity. Sometimes...what you're looking so hard to find...has been there all along or is right there within arms reach.
Read any good books lately? Me either. Don't fret my friends. I'm on it.
Lance Bass is gay....LANCE BASS IS GAY! I can finally rest my weary head now. I can finally sleep a full night now. No more tossing and turning. No more sleepless nights of wondering if my favorite N'SYNC member's sexual preference would ever become national-public-hysterical-insane-news. Lance Bass is gay. Let's all have a moment of silence shall we? Mmmm k.
I am seriously becoming addicted to poker. Watching it...not playing it. Is there a support group for that?
I see girls these days that are 10 years old and younger walking around with shorts that are literally showing the bottom of their asses. OK? I'm serious. And walking around with their little halter tops and makeup and crap like that. Maybe I'm just getting OLD or something. But when I was that age...my momma would have slapped the SHIT out of me if I walked out of my house looking like that. Let alone BOUGHT me that stuff. And here I see mothers taking their daughters to buy this stuff. Ummm. I guess I could go off on this for days...and I mean, I'm sure there are bigger battles to fight...but JEEZ OH PETE!!! Put some clothes on the child.
I wonder if therapy dogs look at normal dogs and say, "You lazy ass...get a job."
Those few french fries were like filet mignon after not eating anything for 4 days.
July 26, 2006
Da New Toofs
Well the day has finally arrived! The day I have been waiting for since...well, since I don't know when. I finally have my perfect smile! It's been a LONG and PAINFUL road...but I've finally reached the light at the end of the tunnel so to speak. Monday afternoon the dentist pulled the last TEN teeth...yeah...that's right TEN teeth all at once. It was quite rough, probably the worst extraction process I've been through so far. I ended up with 3 stitches and swollen lips, but also...a mouth full of gorgeous, straight, perfect, white teeth!!!!!!!! Here it is Wednesday night, and I am still in quite a bit of pain, and there is still quite a bit of swelling on the inside of my mouth. Oh...and sometimes it's a little difficult to understand what I'm saying. It's like trying to talk around 2 big retainers in my mouth. The dentist told me I should practice reading from magazines or something out loud until I get my speech back. So much for me being a professional singer, huh?? Ahhh...but it's all worth it every time I look in the mirror and see these beautiful pearly whites. Yeah...I'm bragging. And yeah...I'm gonna show em off. Here ya go!! 
July 23, 2006
The Visit With The Fam
Okie dokie...I just got back from B'ham and visited with the fam. I got to see my sweet Elizabeth Grace and her mommy Aimes!! YAY! She's gotten SO big!!! Elizabeth Grace...not Aimes! Aimes is beautiful as always. I also got to visit with my Uncle Jim, Aunt Karen, Dadoo and G Funk. It was a great week, and I loved seeing everyone. I know this is a short post, but I wanted to put some pics up here of Miss Elizabeth and Aimes. So here ya go!!! 
July 17, 2006
My View On Rain
I can honestly say that for the first time in my life I've reached the point where I feel like I have some sort of grasp on what I want. Meaning...what I want for myself in terms of life, love...everything. And yes, I'm sure that those things will change...ebb and flow, but the basic principles have been formed. And I believe that I can chalk that up to the fact that I have been sitting on my tush for a year and a half now........thinking. And thinking.....and umm...thinking some more. I guess I am wanting to rant a little about love...or the pursuit of it...or maybe not love exactly...but companionship. Because really...who really WANTS to be alone? I mean, sure...we all want to be by ourselves sometimes. Some of us more than others. But who wants to be alone? Not me. I know people...ok, a lot of people that can't stand to be single for one moment. The second they break up with someone, they are immediately in a new relationship. I'm not talking about dating around. I'm talking they are in a committed serious relationship....immediately. Not even a month goes by. There's some "alone" issues for ya. But we all want love...or more specifically to BE loved. And I can't say this for the guys out there, but I know for us girls...we want that butterfly feeling. But that doesn't really cover it. We want that rush...we want that feeling that every time you are near us the air is a little more electric. We want our toes to curl just a little bit with that kiss. Think that only happens in high school? Think again. And you know what? SCREW that whole thing about "you don't have to have that to have a great relationship." You know what? OK...no, you don't HAVE to have it. But it sure as hell is nice. I just don't understand why we get so caught up in the psychology of it all. I'm guilty of it myself. And it's good to keep your eyes open. It's good to know what you're getting yourself into. But whatever happened to good ole feelings? "They" say that things never happen like they do in the movies...you know, those frantic scenes where the guy grabs the girl in the pouring down rain and kisses her. She thought he didn't care about her...but all along he was madly in love with her. Or maybe they just couldn't keep their hands off each other. Well, why the hell CAN'T it happen like that? That's what I want to know. I want to know what happened to us. I want to know what happened when we "grew up." Why it became "foolish" for us to think about kissing in the rain. Why it became silly for men to be romantic and say sweet things to women. I want to know when relationships, dating, marraige, men and women became a damn GAME. That's what I want to know. It's become jealousy and mistrust and the grass may be greener on the other side. So many people have hardened their hearts. No one wants to kiss in the rain anymore. It's all about insecurities and where it will lead and what better thing may come along. Whatever. I'm dunzo. The game sucks. I just want a best friend who will kiss in the rain and not make fun of me if I snort when I laugh at some silly joke...and may even laugh with me. I'm not going to change my views on it just because some "grown up" wants to tell me that it's not realistic. There are still kisses in the rain to be had. I can wait.
July 15, 2006
Ponder This You Philosophical Geniuses
Can you really wake up one morning and decide that you are just going to turn everything around? Can you just decide in one instant that you are going to start over? Can you just make up your mind to "just do it?" I mean...all the self-help books out there SAY that you can. All the motivational speakers out there say "it's never too late!!" or "your life can BEGIN TODAY!" So...what are we waiting for? Why can't we all just wake up every morning and say TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF MY NEW LIFE!!!! It sure does sound good. See, I used to make lists...lots and lots of really good looking lists because I was going to DO things. I even read BOOKS that were filled with lists just because I liked to look at them. Lists made me feel good. Some days, I never did a single thing on my list. But making the list was the part that thrilled me. That's what made me feel like I was doing something. But you can have notebooks filled with To-Do lists and never get anything done. You can plan yourself a great future and still be sitting at your computer desk planning it in 10 years. Sure...it LOOKS great. Sounds great. May even be a GREAT PLAN. But until you get your ever lovin' ass in gear.........ain't nuttin gonna happen baby.
I want to go back to school. I want to write that book that I've been talking about for...oh...forever. I want to make more friends. I want to make some MONEY. I want to travel. I want to go snorkeling. I want to quit smoking. I want to be even CLOSER to my family...ALL of them. I want just a little bit of romance...a little sweepage off my feet. I want someone to tell me every once in a while that I mean something to them. I want to finish decorating my room. I want to start sending people REAL mail...not just email. I want to get off this computer and do something.
So there's a list for you. Some of those things I can get up and do right now...some of them will take a while...and some of them, well...I'll need a little help with. But my whole point is, I do think that we can all kind of "just do it." We can all wipe the slate clean and decide that we are going to just get out there and Git R Done. Maybe not the way that you necessarily want to. Maybe not the way that you had planned. And DEFINITELY not as fast as you want to. But you can get some of that list done if you just put one foot in front of the other instead of standing still.
Oh, and one little thing...if you find that your mouth is running faster than your feet...complaining about every little THING...maybe you should shut up and put some of that energy to good use. Maybe write about it or something. That's always helped me.
Peace out homeys!
I want to go back to school. I want to write that book that I've been talking about for...oh...forever. I want to make more friends. I want to make some MONEY. I want to travel. I want to go snorkeling. I want to quit smoking. I want to be even CLOSER to my family...ALL of them. I want just a little bit of romance...a little sweepage off my feet. I want someone to tell me every once in a while that I mean something to them. I want to finish decorating my room. I want to start sending people REAL mail...not just email. I want to get off this computer and do something.
So there's a list for you. Some of those things I can get up and do right now...some of them will take a while...and some of them, well...I'll need a little help with. But my whole point is, I do think that we can all kind of "just do it." We can all wipe the slate clean and decide that we are going to just get out there and Git R Done. Maybe not the way that you necessarily want to. Maybe not the way that you had planned. And DEFINITELY not as fast as you want to. But you can get some of that list done if you just put one foot in front of the other instead of standing still.
Oh, and one little thing...if you find that your mouth is running faster than your feet...complaining about every little THING...maybe you should shut up and put some of that energy to good use. Maybe write about it or something. That's always helped me.
Peace out homeys!
July 14, 2006
This is your brain....on Vaults
In the last 4 weeks the average American's consumption of hot dogs should have doubled...just because of my consumption of hot dogs alone. Because really...that's the only meat I can comfortably chew. And I cannot go a full day without consuming some sort of meat. The best kind are the Juicy Jumbos by Bryan. Send me stuff.
I can't bite my nails anymore because it hurts my teeth...so now my nails are kinda long...and pretty. What the hell is that about? Makes me look all girly and stuff. That's weird.
I cut all my hair off. It was long...down to my shoulder blades...now it's up to my chin. OK...so I got hot. Call Anderson.
I watched the first installment of Nightmares and Dreamscapes the other night on TNT. You know...the Stephen King thing. Yeah...I had read the book already. And...I mean...I have read almost EVERYTHING of SK's and enjoyed it...and I've also watched almost everything of his and enjoyed it. As hokey as it may be. However...N and D...this, Stephen, had to be the worst made for TV crap you've ever done. I mean seriously. I was totally disappointed. And it takes a LOT to disappoint me when it comes to visual entertainment. But hey...maybe I was going into the whole thing with high expectations. Whatever. I'll still DVR the next installments and look for some improvements. I mean, I'm not looking for it to live up to the book. I don't think anything that comes from a book and is put on the big or little screen EVER lives up to the original book...but I was thinking that MAYBE it would be somewhat entertaining. Ahh. Nightmares and Dreamscapes? More like Yawns and Snores. Sorry Stephen...ya know I love ya.
I honestly, truly...do not want to have my hip replacement surgery...for many reasons. I am in ignorance overdrive right now. Ignorance is bliss...until my hip starts killing me.
I want to do something out of this world fantastic for my birthday this year...like go to Europe and stay drunk for a week. Or go kangaroo piggy back riding in the Australian outback. Or go to the Bahamas with Denise and our personal masseuse Fredrico (and maybe never come home). Or go to some monastery and learn how to grab the stone from some dude's hand....grasshoppa. Who's with me?? WHO'S WITH ME????
What does it take to invent a new word? Like what avenue do you have to go down to get it in the dictionary and such? Because I want to invent a new word...no...I want to invent a new DICTIONARY. NO...no no no...I want to invent a new language. With punctuation marks and EVERYTHING.
I think each neighborhood should have a "shittiest week" contest. I think that each week you should have this big huge trash can...and every day, every single person in the entire neighborhood has to put a dollar in the trash can. I mean EVERY BODY...that means a dollar for every person in your household. And then...at the end of the week, you have a neighborhood grill out...fun times...burgers...beer. And you all sit around and tell about your week. And whoever had the SHITTIEST week...gets the trash can of money. But if one person gets it...then he can't get it for a whole 6 weeks again...that's the rule...it's only fair...unless he has one WHOPPER of another bad week or something...like he ran over a dog...only to find out that it was a seeing eye dog for his grandma or something...and his grandma couldn't afford another one...and he didn't have the money to buy her another one because he got suspended from his job because he was late for work because he ran over the damn seeing eye dog and killed it...so now he NEEDS the trash can of money CAN'T YOU SEE WHERE I'M GOING WITH THIS PEOPLE?!?!?! We need some community involvement. Some giving. Can't we all just get along? And get paid?
It really is a lot cooler with my hair shorter.
I can't bite my nails anymore because it hurts my teeth...so now my nails are kinda long...and pretty. What the hell is that about? Makes me look all girly and stuff. That's weird.
I cut all my hair off. It was long...down to my shoulder blades...now it's up to my chin. OK...so I got hot. Call Anderson.
I watched the first installment of Nightmares and Dreamscapes the other night on TNT. You know...the Stephen King thing. Yeah...I had read the book already. And...I mean...I have read almost EVERYTHING of SK's and enjoyed it...and I've also watched almost everything of his and enjoyed it. As hokey as it may be. However...N and D...this, Stephen, had to be the worst made for TV crap you've ever done. I mean seriously. I was totally disappointed. And it takes a LOT to disappoint me when it comes to visual entertainment. But hey...maybe I was going into the whole thing with high expectations. Whatever. I'll still DVR the next installments and look for some improvements. I mean, I'm not looking for it to live up to the book. I don't think anything that comes from a book and is put on the big or little screen EVER lives up to the original book...but I was thinking that MAYBE it would be somewhat entertaining. Ahh. Nightmares and Dreamscapes? More like Yawns and Snores. Sorry Stephen...ya know I love ya.
I honestly, truly...do not want to have my hip replacement surgery...for many reasons. I am in ignorance overdrive right now. Ignorance is bliss...until my hip starts killing me.
I want to do something out of this world fantastic for my birthday this year...like go to Europe and stay drunk for a week. Or go kangaroo piggy back riding in the Australian outback. Or go to the Bahamas with Denise and our personal masseuse Fredrico (and maybe never come home). Or go to some monastery and learn how to grab the stone from some dude's hand....grasshoppa. Who's with me?? WHO'S WITH ME????
What does it take to invent a new word? Like what avenue do you have to go down to get it in the dictionary and such? Because I want to invent a new word...no...I want to invent a new DICTIONARY. NO...no no no...I want to invent a new language. With punctuation marks and EVERYTHING.
I think each neighborhood should have a "shittiest week" contest. I think that each week you should have this big huge trash can...and every day, every single person in the entire neighborhood has to put a dollar in the trash can. I mean EVERY BODY...that means a dollar for every person in your household. And then...at the end of the week, you have a neighborhood grill out...fun times...burgers...beer. And you all sit around and tell about your week. And whoever had the SHITTIEST week...gets the trash can of money. But if one person gets it...then he can't get it for a whole 6 weeks again...that's the rule...it's only fair...unless he has one WHOPPER of another bad week or something...like he ran over a dog...only to find out that it was a seeing eye dog for his grandma or something...and his grandma couldn't afford another one...and he didn't have the money to buy her another one because he got suspended from his job because he was late for work because he ran over the damn seeing eye dog and killed it...so now he NEEDS the trash can of money CAN'T YOU SEE WHERE I'M GOING WITH THIS PEOPLE?!?!?! We need some community involvement. Some giving. Can't we all just get along? And get paid?
It really is a lot cooler with my hair shorter.
July 07, 2006
Our Whitney
Last night we had to put our Whitney to sleep. Last week, she had a small seizure that left her weak and unable to get around very well. We took her to the vet a few times and put her on different medications. The vet found a heart murmur and also that she was anemic. Whitney had breast cancer, and we were afraid that the cancer was starting to spread. We had decided that we were going to take Whitney and have her put down today. Well, last night, she had a grand mal seizure. It was so horrible...so sad. She was foaming at the mouth...urinating...for over a full minute. A minute may not seem like a long time to some people...but when you are watching a dog writhe in pain...it's an eternity. When she came out of it she was whimpering and crying in pain and couldn't stand. It was almost like she was looking at us to help her...so we decided to go ahead and take her. It was extremely sad...but at the same time it was such a relief to see her out of pain.
Whitney was with us for about 4 years. We rescued her from a vet who had kept her in a kennel with her mate for over a year. She didn't have any of her front teeth because she had chewed on her cage for so long. She was skittish...hated thunderstorms and loud noises. But she had the sweetest disposition I've ever seen in a dog. And after being locked in a cage for over a year...she could have been the exact opposite and no one could have blamed her. When we would take her her bowl of food to eat, she would turn in circles before we would set it down. It became a game. She was the best snuggler in the whole world..........if you could stand her puppy breath. When we would come home from running errands, she would always greet us at the door, wagging her nub of a tail and make her Chubacca growl/bark at us. The sweetest dog. We will miss her so much.
Have fun chasing Tigger, sweet Whit. We love you.
Whitney was with us for about 4 years. We rescued her from a vet who had kept her in a kennel with her mate for over a year. She didn't have any of her front teeth because she had chewed on her cage for so long. She was skittish...hated thunderstorms and loud noises. But she had the sweetest disposition I've ever seen in a dog. And after being locked in a cage for over a year...she could have been the exact opposite and no one could have blamed her. When we would take her her bowl of food to eat, she would turn in circles before we would set it down. It became a game. She was the best snuggler in the whole world..........if you could stand her puppy breath. When we would come home from running errands, she would always greet us at the door, wagging her nub of a tail and make her Chubacca growl/bark at us. The sweetest dog. We will miss her so much.
Have fun chasing Tigger, sweet Whit. We love you.
July 02, 2006
Randomness...Sort of...Okay...Randomness...but LONG Randomness at some points....Whatever
A part of me always thought that Jack Handey wasn't a real guy...seriously...like right up until just now when my brain said....Hey, I need to put that little part of my brain to rest...so I went and googled just to make sure. *Sigh* Yeah...Jack...sorry about doubting your existence. Love you, man. Really. You're the greatest. Especially now that I know you're....ahem....REAL.
Have you ever gotten up in the morning and said, WOW...I have this feeling that something REALLY big is going to happen to me today? Well, maybe not BIG...but important. Like you wake up feeling ready to go and face your day. In a pretty good mood...and you know you can make things happen. Kind of a "Git-R-Done" attitude. And you just "know" that there's going to be some thing that's going to make this day stand out from the rest. OK so it could be something small. And maybe you won't even recognize what it is until later...maybe even weeks or months later. But you'll look back and say, yeah...that one thing changed me. Of course...if you think about it (oh boy...here comes a tangent...look out!) every day is full of things that change us, mold us, and make us grow. They say that opportunity sometimes knocks very softly. Well, I'd like to add to that that sometimes opportunity doesn't always even use the door...better check the windows and walls and ceilings and floors as well. Yeah, ok...Opportunity comes and finds you sometimes...but I've learned recently that if you want to move forward in your life...if you want things to HAPPEN...sometimes you have to seek OUT opportunity for yourself. Every single day of your life shapes the days of your life after that...there are no exceptions. Doesn't that make it worth it to make each day really really freakin' cool?
When I was a freshman in highschool and still lived in Birmingham...before Mom and I moved to Texas to live with Dad...I had the best friends a girl could ask for. Kelly, Anna, Casey and Frank. Every weekend we would go to this spot by Frank's house...by the Cahaba river. It was this little boat dock that wasn't used anymore...kind of grown up...we'd have to push through trees and branches and weeds and crap to get to the cement dock...but we'd get there. And on a clear night, we'd sit out there on the dock and the moonlight would hit the water right in front of us and it was so bright with the moon and the stars that you would forget it was nighttime. We would lie on our backs and talk about our dreams for the future...no matter how silly or stupid they might have seemed...because on "our dock" anything goes and no one made fun...no one judged. We would sing...we would laugh...we would cry...together. And then came the day that Mom told me we were moving to Texas. And my 14 year old mind thought, "GREAT! I have NOTHING here in Birmingham. There's nothing to DO here! It's so BORING!" So off we went. I went back to visit a few months later. Desperate to see my friends...to go to the dock and share the moonlight and secrets and dreams with them. They told me that just a couple of weeks after I left...the cops blocked it off. Said they figured kids were going down there to do drugs. They figured that's the ONLY reason any kids would WANT to go hang out down there. Well, of course...innocence is scarce these days. They say you don't know what you got until it's gone...and I wholeheartedly believe in that.
I walked barefoot in the grass today. I haven't done that in so long. I can't even REMEMBER the last time I've done that. It felt good...brought back memories and feelings I forgot I had. I think I'll try and do that every day. Even when it's raining. ESPECIALLY if it's raining.
As of today...I've officially lost 80 pounds from my heaviest ever...that's RIGHT SUCKAS! Read it and WEEP. Ok...don't weep...smile and be happy...and eat a medium rare steak for me. I am now...pre-steroid weight again. Maybe I'LL weep now. Now if I could JUST get back to when I was a cheerleader in highschool............pfft...yeah right. Where's Jimminy Cricket when you need him?
There is a boy I used to love. Truly madly deeply as the song goes. I say BOY because when I loved him...he was a boy. On his way to becoming the great man he is now. He was my first real and true love...and pretty soon...he's going to get married. Literally, up until last year, he and I would talk about how hard it would be on each other when one of us would finally reach that point. When we would marry someone other than each other. Of course, we broke up in 1997 I think it was. Almost 10 years ago. So we knew somewhere in our brains and our hearts that we definitely weren't going to marry each other. I was truly madly deeply in love with another man...and he was in another country doing wonderful things with his life. But there's always that "thing." That thing that says..."It's going to KILL me when you abandon me for another." We haven't even seen each other in years...8 to be exact. But we've emailed....talked. All these years. And I never stopped loving him. Don't let that confuse you. I was truly madly deeply in love with that boy/man 10 years ago. But I LOVE the man that he is.............my FRIEND........now. And when he called me a few months ago to tell me that he had asked his fiancee to marry him, for 30 seconds, I couldn't breathe. He told me that he felt like he owed me a phone call...after all we had talked about over the years...all we shared...he felt like he should tell me in person. Strange....after I started breathing again...after I got the emails with pictures of him and his soon-to-be bride...when I saw that smile of joy on his face...I felt immense happiness for my friend. I wanted this for him. I hope for him that he always remains happy. It's okay to let go sometimes.
It never ceases to amaze me how music can evoke such feelings and emotions from me. One song...one chord...one voice...the very BEGINNING notes of one familiar song can make me want to fall to my knees...or laugh out loud...or dance my fool head off. Sitting at my friend's house the other night at 3 AM...listening to his 500 different CD's...yeah, you read that right...reminded me of my passion for music. It was like every song that came on was this FLASH of something. Country songs that I hadn't heard since I lived in Texas and I wore Wranglers and cowboy boots...(oh PLEASE don't tell anyone that). Mariah Carey songs that I used to crank up in my room and sing at the top of my lungs...even the high notes...and occasionally, I'd hit them dead on. Jimmy Buffet songs that made me want a margarita and put on my flip flops and head to the beach. Barry White songs that made me want to....well....anyway. What I'm trying to say is...MUSIC...it stirs my soul. And I know that sounds SO cheesy, but it does. It inspires me. Makes me think about the world. Makes me think about the singers and the writers who wrote those songs and what was going on in their heads when they wrote them...what is going on in their heads when they sing them. Does the song evoke the same emotion as it does in me? What inspired THEM to write it? I could probably google and find out on some of them. But that would take away the wonder of it all. I think I'll go pull out my MP3s.
Life is really a cool journey if you think about it. And I'm all about the saying, "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." I always say...probably WAY too much...that everything that's happened to me has made me who I am. And I'm happy with who I am right now. I have this yearning though...for something...something more. I want to wake up every morning with that "something important" feeling. I want my heart to always feel full. I want my life to keep on growing. I want to keep slow dancing in the living room at 3 AM. I want to keep walking barefoot in the grass. I want to go back to the dock...let the cops try to stop me.
Have you ever gotten up in the morning and said, WOW...I have this feeling that something REALLY big is going to happen to me today? Well, maybe not BIG...but important. Like you wake up feeling ready to go and face your day. In a pretty good mood...and you know you can make things happen. Kind of a "Git-R-Done" attitude. And you just "know" that there's going to be some thing that's going to make this day stand out from the rest. OK so it could be something small. And maybe you won't even recognize what it is until later...maybe even weeks or months later. But you'll look back and say, yeah...that one thing changed me. Of course...if you think about it (oh boy...here comes a tangent...look out!) every day is full of things that change us, mold us, and make us grow. They say that opportunity sometimes knocks very softly. Well, I'd like to add to that that sometimes opportunity doesn't always even use the door...better check the windows and walls and ceilings and floors as well. Yeah, ok...Opportunity comes and finds you sometimes...but I've learned recently that if you want to move forward in your life...if you want things to HAPPEN...sometimes you have to seek OUT opportunity for yourself. Every single day of your life shapes the days of your life after that...there are no exceptions. Doesn't that make it worth it to make each day really really freakin' cool?
When I was a freshman in highschool and still lived in Birmingham...before Mom and I moved to Texas to live with Dad...I had the best friends a girl could ask for. Kelly, Anna, Casey and Frank. Every weekend we would go to this spot by Frank's house...by the Cahaba river. It was this little boat dock that wasn't used anymore...kind of grown up...we'd have to push through trees and branches and weeds and crap to get to the cement dock...but we'd get there. And on a clear night, we'd sit out there on the dock and the moonlight would hit the water right in front of us and it was so bright with the moon and the stars that you would forget it was nighttime. We would lie on our backs and talk about our dreams for the future...no matter how silly or stupid they might have seemed...because on "our dock" anything goes and no one made fun...no one judged. We would sing...we would laugh...we would cry...together. And then came the day that Mom told me we were moving to Texas. And my 14 year old mind thought, "GREAT! I have NOTHING here in Birmingham. There's nothing to DO here! It's so BORING!" So off we went. I went back to visit a few months later. Desperate to see my friends...to go to the dock and share the moonlight and secrets and dreams with them. They told me that just a couple of weeks after I left...the cops blocked it off. Said they figured kids were going down there to do drugs. They figured that's the ONLY reason any kids would WANT to go hang out down there. Well, of course...innocence is scarce these days. They say you don't know what you got until it's gone...and I wholeheartedly believe in that.
I walked barefoot in the grass today. I haven't done that in so long. I can't even REMEMBER the last time I've done that. It felt good...brought back memories and feelings I forgot I had. I think I'll try and do that every day. Even when it's raining. ESPECIALLY if it's raining.
As of today...I've officially lost 80 pounds from my heaviest ever...that's RIGHT SUCKAS! Read it and WEEP. Ok...don't weep...smile and be happy...and eat a medium rare steak for me. I am now...pre-steroid weight again. Maybe I'LL weep now. Now if I could JUST get back to when I was a cheerleader in highschool............pfft...yeah right. Where's Jimminy Cricket when you need him?
There is a boy I used to love. Truly madly deeply as the song goes. I say BOY because when I loved him...he was a boy. On his way to becoming the great man he is now. He was my first real and true love...and pretty soon...he's going to get married. Literally, up until last year, he and I would talk about how hard it would be on each other when one of us would finally reach that point. When we would marry someone other than each other. Of course, we broke up in 1997 I think it was. Almost 10 years ago. So we knew somewhere in our brains and our hearts that we definitely weren't going to marry each other. I was truly madly deeply in love with another man...and he was in another country doing wonderful things with his life. But there's always that "thing." That thing that says..."It's going to KILL me when you abandon me for another." We haven't even seen each other in years...8 to be exact. But we've emailed....talked. All these years. And I never stopped loving him. Don't let that confuse you. I was truly madly deeply in love with that boy/man 10 years ago. But I LOVE the man that he is.............my FRIEND........now. And when he called me a few months ago to tell me that he had asked his fiancee to marry him, for 30 seconds, I couldn't breathe. He told me that he felt like he owed me a phone call...after all we had talked about over the years...all we shared...he felt like he should tell me in person. Strange....after I started breathing again...after I got the emails with pictures of him and his soon-to-be bride...when I saw that smile of joy on his face...I felt immense happiness for my friend. I wanted this for him. I hope for him that he always remains happy. It's okay to let go sometimes.
It never ceases to amaze me how music can evoke such feelings and emotions from me. One song...one chord...one voice...the very BEGINNING notes of one familiar song can make me want to fall to my knees...or laugh out loud...or dance my fool head off. Sitting at my friend's house the other night at 3 AM...listening to his 500 different CD's...yeah, you read that right...reminded me of my passion for music. It was like every song that came on was this FLASH of something. Country songs that I hadn't heard since I lived in Texas and I wore Wranglers and cowboy boots...(oh PLEASE don't tell anyone that). Mariah Carey songs that I used to crank up in my room and sing at the top of my lungs...even the high notes...and occasionally, I'd hit them dead on. Jimmy Buffet songs that made me want a margarita and put on my flip flops and head to the beach. Barry White songs that made me want to....well....anyway. What I'm trying to say is...MUSIC...it stirs my soul. And I know that sounds SO cheesy, but it does. It inspires me. Makes me think about the world. Makes me think about the singers and the writers who wrote those songs and what was going on in their heads when they wrote them...what is going on in their heads when they sing them. Does the song evoke the same emotion as it does in me? What inspired THEM to write it? I could probably google and find out on some of them. But that would take away the wonder of it all. I think I'll go pull out my MP3s.
Life is really a cool journey if you think about it. And I'm all about the saying, "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." I always say...probably WAY too much...that everything that's happened to me has made me who I am. And I'm happy with who I am right now. I have this yearning though...for something...something more. I want to wake up every morning with that "something important" feeling. I want my heart to always feel full. I want my life to keep on growing. I want to keep slow dancing in the living room at 3 AM. I want to keep walking barefoot in the grass. I want to go back to the dock...let the cops try to stop me.
June 28, 2006
Jumbled
My mind is jumbled. And I really have no idea how to explain that. Except to just say that it's jumbled with different thoughts. Of all different aspects of my life right now. The past...the present...and the future. Here are a few updates.
My teeth adventure is well underway. I'd say about 2-3 more weeks and I'll have my brand new smile. Meanwhile...I've lost a nice bit of weight seeing that I can only eat a tiny amount of food.
Mom is doing great...feeling great...looking great. That's great news. The other night, however, she got a little down. We were sitting out on the back porch and she said, "I think this cancer is going to kill me." That hit me like a ton of bricks. She talked to me about statistics. About Stage 4 breast cancer and about the possibilities of it becoming "immune" to the drugs that they give her. I didn't want to hear any of it. But I haven't been hearing any of it for 4 years. And here we are...Episode 3. I better start listening if I want to accept any of this. But a part of me is holding out for a miracle. Those still happen, don't they?
When I look at my future, I realize that if I want to move forward, I have to let go of my past...or at least certain parts of it...and that scares me. Makes me freeze. But slowly but surely...I'm letting go. And it feels ok. Scary...and sometimes sad...but sometimes good and ok. And when I think of what the future may hold, I can even feel some excitement. And when I look at what's right in front of my face...even though at first it scares me...and I want to say, no...this can't happen now...I want time to stand still...I want to STAY in my bubble of nothingness...I look at what's in front of me, and I say, ok...I can do this...I can get excited and be ok. It's OKAY to be excited about my life. It's OKAY to be a little bit afraid, but still keep moving ahead. Maybe that makes no sense...this is where things get all jumbled. I could get all specific...but then it would be even MORE jumbled. Ha...leave it to MareBear to go on a rant that makes no sense. All I'm saying is that things are happening for me...feelings are happening for me...and they are scary...but they are okay too. And for the first time in over a year and a half...I'm actually starting to look FORWARD to waking up in the morning. I made that promise to myself when I was first diagnosed with this screwed up disease. I made a promise that no matter what...I would get up out of bed every single morning. And I have kept that promise. But until now, that promise has been kept only because it has been that...a promise that needed to be fulfilled. Every morning, when I opened my eyes, I had to remind myself of that promise and drag myself out of bed. But lately...an amazing thing has happened. I've opened my eyes in the morning and gotten out of bed with a smile on my face because of hope...because of reasons other than a "have to" pull out of bed. And honestly...I should be jumping for joy (figuratively speaking). But I suppose that with everything that's gone on...I'm wondering when the proverbial axe is going to fall. Luckily though...that axe thought is in the back of my mind...and I'm not focusing on that as much as I may have a few years ago.
So...here I go...getting out of bed...kicking ass and taking names. I'm going to take my life on...scary or not. Because if I don't...what am I going to write about?
My teeth adventure is well underway. I'd say about 2-3 more weeks and I'll have my brand new smile. Meanwhile...I've lost a nice bit of weight seeing that I can only eat a tiny amount of food.
Mom is doing great...feeling great...looking great. That's great news. The other night, however, she got a little down. We were sitting out on the back porch and she said, "I think this cancer is going to kill me." That hit me like a ton of bricks. She talked to me about statistics. About Stage 4 breast cancer and about the possibilities of it becoming "immune" to the drugs that they give her. I didn't want to hear any of it. But I haven't been hearing any of it for 4 years. And here we are...Episode 3. I better start listening if I want to accept any of this. But a part of me is holding out for a miracle. Those still happen, don't they?
When I look at my future, I realize that if I want to move forward, I have to let go of my past...or at least certain parts of it...and that scares me. Makes me freeze. But slowly but surely...I'm letting go. And it feels ok. Scary...and sometimes sad...but sometimes good and ok. And when I think of what the future may hold, I can even feel some excitement. And when I look at what's right in front of my face...even though at first it scares me...and I want to say, no...this can't happen now...I want time to stand still...I want to STAY in my bubble of nothingness...I look at what's in front of me, and I say, ok...I can do this...I can get excited and be ok. It's OKAY to be excited about my life. It's OKAY to be a little bit afraid, but still keep moving ahead. Maybe that makes no sense...this is where things get all jumbled. I could get all specific...but then it would be even MORE jumbled. Ha...leave it to MareBear to go on a rant that makes no sense. All I'm saying is that things are happening for me...feelings are happening for me...and they are scary...but they are okay too. And for the first time in over a year and a half...I'm actually starting to look FORWARD to waking up in the morning. I made that promise to myself when I was first diagnosed with this screwed up disease. I made a promise that no matter what...I would get up out of bed every single morning. And I have kept that promise. But until now, that promise has been kept only because it has been that...a promise that needed to be fulfilled. Every morning, when I opened my eyes, I had to remind myself of that promise and drag myself out of bed. But lately...an amazing thing has happened. I've opened my eyes in the morning and gotten out of bed with a smile on my face because of hope...because of reasons other than a "have to" pull out of bed. And honestly...I should be jumping for joy (figuratively speaking). But I suppose that with everything that's gone on...I'm wondering when the proverbial axe is going to fall. Luckily though...that axe thought is in the back of my mind...and I'm not focusing on that as much as I may have a few years ago.
So...here I go...getting out of bed...kicking ass and taking names. I'm going to take my life on...scary or not. Because if I don't...what am I going to write about?
June 18, 2006
Ahhh...Good Stuff
Well, Mom had her surgery this past Wednesday after being in the hospital for a few days fighting some bad upper respiratory ICK. She was very ill for those few days, and we were all very concerned about her, but the docs decided she was A-OK to go ahead with the double masectomy. So...after waiting all day, they took her in at 3:15 Wednesday afternoon and she was out and back in her room by 6:30. Her doc pulled us out into the hall to talk to us about the surgery. It went as perfect as it could have gone. He didn't have to go into the muscle at all, her margins looked clean, and there was nothing that they could see in the right breast! YEEE HAWWW! How great is that?!?! He said that she would recover extremely fast. And BOY has she. By the next morning she was chowing down on regular food, practically throwing her arms over her head, asking the docs if they wanted her to attempt a headstand, and said she felt better than she did BEFORE the surgery! I cannot begin to tell you what a relief it all has been for us. Especially Mom...who is so glad to have that cancer off her body.
As for me, tomorrow morning I'm going to call and make my appointments to get the ball rolling on my teeth adventure. Now that Mom has had her surgery, I've got the green light to go ahead and get my stuff taken care of again. So...here we go again.
There's something to be said for making new friends. That's an adventure in itself. A discovery of sorts. I've made a few new friends over the past couple of years. Some of them have become true and forever friends. Some of them have come and gone and left their mark on my life. The thing about friendships...and not just friendships, but the interaction between one human being and another...it's an interesting and complex thing. If you aren't open to listening...if you aren't open to being understanding, then forget making friendships. Or be ready to make superficial ones. Lately, I've been thinking about being "real" with a person. Not being someone you aren't. Someone recently used the example of: If someone tells you that they love a certain ice cream, all of a sudden you find yourself saying you love it too...even though you may not really give a damn either way. Why do we do that? I'm guessing because we are afraid of those parts of us that are not glamorous...the parts of us that may not be in "sync" with that other person. So, we adlib along the way...making these new friendships, or even sustaining current ones...to impress and "keep alive" the facade. But...if we stop...if we make ourselves "raw" again...REAL...then when we make friends...or revel in the friendships or relationships we currently have as our REAL selves...then there isn't anything to be afraid of anymore. There isn't that facade. The barriers are down. Sure, it makes us more vulnerable...and I guess that's why we do it in the first place, right? To hide our insecurities and vulnerability. But when we let go of that...when we just LET GO...wow. It can be so TRUE. The bond that you can build with someone can be so real and unbreakable. No walls...just evoking emotions that are hard to deal with at first. But practice makes perfect. The key is to never abandon yourself for the sake of others. If someone doesn't love you for who you REALLY are...and ALL of who you really are, then they don't deserve to love you. End of it.
Alright, so there's my tangent for the day. Go out and make new friends and be raw and real with them and just see what happens. You may just find you make a friend that is more true and real than you've ever had in your life. And what can beat that? Maybe peanut butter and chocolate ice cream...but you don't have to love it just because I do.
As for me, tomorrow morning I'm going to call and make my appointments to get the ball rolling on my teeth adventure. Now that Mom has had her surgery, I've got the green light to go ahead and get my stuff taken care of again. So...here we go again.
There's something to be said for making new friends. That's an adventure in itself. A discovery of sorts. I've made a few new friends over the past couple of years. Some of them have become true and forever friends. Some of them have come and gone and left their mark on my life. The thing about friendships...and not just friendships, but the interaction between one human being and another...it's an interesting and complex thing. If you aren't open to listening...if you aren't open to being understanding, then forget making friendships. Or be ready to make superficial ones. Lately, I've been thinking about being "real" with a person. Not being someone you aren't. Someone recently used the example of: If someone tells you that they love a certain ice cream, all of a sudden you find yourself saying you love it too...even though you may not really give a damn either way. Why do we do that? I'm guessing because we are afraid of those parts of us that are not glamorous...the parts of us that may not be in "sync" with that other person. So, we adlib along the way...making these new friendships, or even sustaining current ones...to impress and "keep alive" the facade. But...if we stop...if we make ourselves "raw" again...REAL...then when we make friends...or revel in the friendships or relationships we currently have as our REAL selves...then there isn't anything to be afraid of anymore. There isn't that facade. The barriers are down. Sure, it makes us more vulnerable...and I guess that's why we do it in the first place, right? To hide our insecurities and vulnerability. But when we let go of that...when we just LET GO...wow. It can be so TRUE. The bond that you can build with someone can be so real and unbreakable. No walls...just evoking emotions that are hard to deal with at first. But practice makes perfect. The key is to never abandon yourself for the sake of others. If someone doesn't love you for who you REALLY are...and ALL of who you really are, then they don't deserve to love you. End of it.
Alright, so there's my tangent for the day. Go out and make new friends and be raw and real with them and just see what happens. You may just find you make a friend that is more true and real than you've ever had in your life. And what can beat that? Maybe peanut butter and chocolate ice cream...but you don't have to love it just because I do.
June 09, 2006
Back In The Bowl
For those of you who haven't been getting my email updates, Mom did NOT have her surgery on Monday. We are the champions of postponed and cancelled surgeries around here. She developed a pretty ugly cough which then turned into a rather bad case of "the crud" the night before her surgery. So, we woke up Monday morning, and not only was MOM really sick, but so was Grandma Lynda. So while Dad was taking Mom to the hospital to get IV antibiotics, I was taking Grandma L to the Urgent Care Clinic to get HER some antibiotics. So for the past week, we've been doctoring the gals and making sure they are rested up because NOW the surgery is rescheduled for THIS Monday. Unless the bird flu or anthrax finds its way into our household. OK...you know what. I really should not be saying things like that. Knowing MY family's luck....... Mom and Grandma L are feeling much better than they did a few days ago. I even caught them out pulling weeds in the yard for a couple of hours yesterday...oh yeah...WELL on their way to recovery.
As for me...I'm doing ok. And by "ok" I mean that I am just mentally putting one foot in front of the other. And I'm managing to do it without breaking something valuable. Several things have gone on personally for me that have been both good and bad lately. And as I don't like to ALL the time get into too much personal stuffs especially if it has to do with someone else...I will just leave it as this.
Yesterday was a special day for me...not many people know why...and to anyone other than myself and a select few...it doesn't matter why. What matters is that it made me think about a lot of things. It made me think of how far I'd come...with a lot of help and love...to believe in myself again. Because several years ago, I was completely empty. I didn't think that another living soul on the planet would ever love me. And I don't mean that I would have one of those "PMS" moments where I'd cry and scream, "NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME!!" No...I truly believed it. You see, a long time ago, someone made me believe that. Someone made me believe that I wasn't worth the shit on the bottom of someone's shoe. And it was drilled into my brain so many times and with so much force that I actually started to believe it. I believed that I had nothing to offer. I had zero confidence in myself. I was scared of the world. But then an amazing thing happened. One day...love, belief, confidence, hope, strength and safety found me. Walked right in my door and made me speechless. See, people come into your life for a reason. Six years later and I believe in myself again. I can hope again. I can love again...and most importantly BE loved again. And while life changes and people change and circumstances change...one thing always remains the same....
When someone touches your life, they leave an imprint on your heart. Sometimes that imprint can hurt like a bruise and needs love and caring to heal it...but it always remains. And sometimes...the imprint is that of truth and strength and hope and above all...love. And when the people who leave these kinds of imprints come into your lives, they remain in your heart long after they are gone. It's a cycle of healing and loving and leaving imprints. So, just know that no matter how short of a time you are in a person's life...you are leaving an imprint. Make sure you are leaving the right one. You just may be healing a bruise...you just may be strengthening a spirit...you just may be mending a broken heart...you just may be restoring hope.
Some imprints are deep...all are everlasting...few are genuine and pure love.
As for me...I'm doing ok. And by "ok" I mean that I am just mentally putting one foot in front of the other. And I'm managing to do it without breaking something valuable. Several things have gone on personally for me that have been both good and bad lately. And as I don't like to ALL the time get into too much personal stuffs especially if it has to do with someone else...I will just leave it as this.
Yesterday was a special day for me...not many people know why...and to anyone other than myself and a select few...it doesn't matter why. What matters is that it made me think about a lot of things. It made me think of how far I'd come...with a lot of help and love...to believe in myself again. Because several years ago, I was completely empty. I didn't think that another living soul on the planet would ever love me. And I don't mean that I would have one of those "PMS" moments where I'd cry and scream, "NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME!!" No...I truly believed it. You see, a long time ago, someone made me believe that. Someone made me believe that I wasn't worth the shit on the bottom of someone's shoe. And it was drilled into my brain so many times and with so much force that I actually started to believe it. I believed that I had nothing to offer. I had zero confidence in myself. I was scared of the world. But then an amazing thing happened. One day...love, belief, confidence, hope, strength and safety found me. Walked right in my door and made me speechless. See, people come into your life for a reason. Six years later and I believe in myself again. I can hope again. I can love again...and most importantly BE loved again. And while life changes and people change and circumstances change...one thing always remains the same....
When someone touches your life, they leave an imprint on your heart. Sometimes that imprint can hurt like a bruise and needs love and caring to heal it...but it always remains. And sometimes...the imprint is that of truth and strength and hope and above all...love. And when the people who leave these kinds of imprints come into your lives, they remain in your heart long after they are gone. It's a cycle of healing and loving and leaving imprints. So, just know that no matter how short of a time you are in a person's life...you are leaving an imprint. Make sure you are leaving the right one. You just may be healing a bruise...you just may be strengthening a spirit...you just may be mending a broken heart...you just may be restoring hope.
Some imprints are deep...all are everlasting...few are genuine and pure love.
June 03, 2006
Some Things
First off, an update...
Mom is having a double masectomy on Monday. She's not going to have reconstruction right now because it would just be too tough of a surgery and recovery for her at the moment. She and the docs will revisit that in about 6 months to a year. Grandma Lynda is coming up here to stay with us and help Mom while she recovers. Mom has talked with me a little bit about how she's feeling, but I can't imagine really how she feels. How it must feel to lose something that is part of your femininity. We actually haven't talked too much about the cancer. I guess you could say I'm not handling this very well. We keep joking that I can only take this in "bits and pieces, bits and pieces." I will keep everyone posted on how she is doing.
I had 2 more teeth pulled on Wednesday and one filled that they are leaving in. Because Mom is having her surgery so soon, we are having to put off the rest of the extractions for a few weeks. I feel a bit like a hillbilly walking around with so many teeth gone out of my head. Definitely won't be eating steak for a while.
Other things...
It absolutely AMAZES me how one minute you think you know someone and the next minute they turn around and show you that you didn't know them one single itsy bitsy bit. When someone tells you and SHOWS you that they are a true friend...trust me when I say that you still need to keep your eyes open. The world is full of people with double standards.
Also...what has HAPPENED to women these days??? OK...I know that I am a woman. And I used to be a jealous woman. Yeah, I was one of "those" women. And I can sit here and give you a mighty damn good reason for it, but really, it wouldn't matter. Because I was lucky enough to get the hell over it a few years ago. And when I say get over it...I mean that I got over it and now I am ANTI-BITCHY-JEALOUS-MAN-HATING-HOLIER-THAN-THOU-THINKS-SHE-RULES-THE-MALE-SPECIES-WOMAN. I mean, granted...I can get an attitude when called for, but REALLY...CHILL THE HELL OUT girls!!! Let me have a word with you. There is NO reason that you have to know every detail of your
boyfriend's/date's/husband's/fiance's/lover's/pimp's/homey's/fella's
EX - girlfriends/dates/wife or wives/fiancee/lovers/hoes/homeys/gals
whatsoever. Not only was he probably a different guy with them, but you probably do not WANT to know that she was WORSE or BETTER
on a date/with money/cooking food/communicating/looking/
AND ESPECIALLY...........IN BED!!!!!
So you know what?? LEAVE IT ALONE! He's with YOU now! As long as he's not showing up with lipstick on his collar...shut the hell up. Who CARES how many chicks he's been with as long as he's CLEAN. That's what matters in this day and age. Seriously. If you open a can of worms about his emotional feelings with his ex "whatevers" then all you're doing is comparing YOURSELF to that person. HE most likely is not constantly comparing you to her. If he was...he would BE with her. Not with you. Now...don't hate me for saying all of that ladies. I am NOT by any means saying that you can't share your hurts over past relationships. The MAJOR issues like WHY you broke up and such things like that. Sharing such things are a part of being with someone...but ONLY if each of you WANT to share such things. If he WANTS to share, then by all means...yippee freaking skippee. It's actually NOT required believe it or not. But DETAILS don't need to be brought up and for some strange reason, women like to torment themselves by wanting to know ALL the details about their men's past lives. The past is the past and that's where it stays. It doesn't need to be drudged up over and over again. Let it friggin' BE and save yourselves some heartache girls. OH...and another thing. If you find yourselves plotting ways to "rescue" or "change" your man within the first 6 months of knowing him. Give it the hell up.
OK...I feel a little bit better now I think.
Mom is having a double masectomy on Monday. She's not going to have reconstruction right now because it would just be too tough of a surgery and recovery for her at the moment. She and the docs will revisit that in about 6 months to a year. Grandma Lynda is coming up here to stay with us and help Mom while she recovers. Mom has talked with me a little bit about how she's feeling, but I can't imagine really how she feels. How it must feel to lose something that is part of your femininity. We actually haven't talked too much about the cancer. I guess you could say I'm not handling this very well. We keep joking that I can only take this in "bits and pieces, bits and pieces." I will keep everyone posted on how she is doing.
I had 2 more teeth pulled on Wednesday and one filled that they are leaving in. Because Mom is having her surgery so soon, we are having to put off the rest of the extractions for a few weeks. I feel a bit like a hillbilly walking around with so many teeth gone out of my head. Definitely won't be eating steak for a while.
Other things...
It absolutely AMAZES me how one minute you think you know someone and the next minute they turn around and show you that you didn't know them one single itsy bitsy bit. When someone tells you and SHOWS you that they are a true friend...trust me when I say that you still need to keep your eyes open. The world is full of people with double standards.
Also...what has HAPPENED to women these days??? OK...I know that I am a woman. And I used to be a jealous woman. Yeah, I was one of "those" women. And I can sit here and give you a mighty damn good reason for it, but really, it wouldn't matter. Because I was lucky enough to get the hell over it a few years ago. And when I say get over it...I mean that I got over it and now I am ANTI-BITCHY-JEALOUS-MAN-HATING-HOLIER-THAN-THOU-THINKS-SHE-RULES-THE-MALE-SPECIES-WOMAN. I mean, granted...I can get an attitude when called for, but REALLY...CHILL THE HELL OUT girls!!! Let me have a word with you. There is NO reason that you have to know every detail of your
boyfriend's/date's/husband's/fiance's/lover's/pimp's/homey's/fella's
EX - girlfriends/dates/wife or wives/fiancee/lovers/hoes/homeys/gals
whatsoever. Not only was he probably a different guy with them, but you probably do not WANT to know that she was WORSE or BETTER
on a date/with money/cooking food/communicating/looking/
AND ESPECIALLY...........IN BED!!!!!
So you know what?? LEAVE IT ALONE! He's with YOU now! As long as he's not showing up with lipstick on his collar...shut the hell up. Who CARES how many chicks he's been with as long as he's CLEAN. That's what matters in this day and age. Seriously. If you open a can of worms about his emotional feelings with his ex "whatevers" then all you're doing is comparing YOURSELF to that person. HE most likely is not constantly comparing you to her. If he was...he would BE with her. Not with you. Now...don't hate me for saying all of that ladies. I am NOT by any means saying that you can't share your hurts over past relationships. The MAJOR issues like WHY you broke up and such things like that. Sharing such things are a part of being with someone...but ONLY if each of you WANT to share such things. If he WANTS to share, then by all means...yippee freaking skippee. It's actually NOT required believe it or not. But DETAILS don't need to be brought up and for some strange reason, women like to torment themselves by wanting to know ALL the details about their men's past lives. The past is the past and that's where it stays. It doesn't need to be drudged up over and over again. Let it friggin' BE and save yourselves some heartache girls. OH...and another thing. If you find yourselves plotting ways to "rescue" or "change" your man within the first 6 months of knowing him. Give it the hell up.
OK...I feel a little bit better now I think.
May 26, 2006
Randomness Part Uh...437
My neighbors and I have adopted an outside cat...we share her. I have named her Emma. She worships me.
Ron White is going to be at the Pearl River Resort Saturday, June 3rd...SATURDAY. OK...my comps are only for WEEKDAYS...bloody hell. But, as he likes to say, "I believe if life gives you lemons....make lemonade. Then find someone with vodka and have yourself a party!!" Ron...you rule. Pass the smirnoff.
I have dyed my hair...again. I bought "Warm Golden Brown." Instead...it's dark chestnut brown with auburn highlights. And it's fabulous. I know you're jealous. Don't try to hide it.
Anderson Cooper's new book, Dispatches From The Edge is out now. It's basically in a nutshell supposed to be his memoir. OK. I like Anderson. I don't have any reason to DISLIKE him. He's been getting some beatings from certain media outlets that his book really can't be considered a memoir because he doesn't talk about his personal life...i.e. being gay. He does, however, talk about his father's death. He also talks about how his brother threw himself off of his mother's (Gloria Vanderbilt) penthouse balcony right in front of her. For a guy that started out as a freelance journalist traveling around the world trying to show people the CRAP that goes on...I think we need to cut the guy a friggin break already.
Sometimes things happen. And it may be a good thing or a bad thing...doesn't matter what "thing." And you may be scared. Because you may have been through it before, and you're scared of getting hurt or burned or lost or turned away or "we can't help this time" or just scared. Or you may be starting a new chapter in your life...or maybe your world SEEMS turned upside down...or maybe your days seem to be running together. Or maybe you're just tired. But this thing that's happening...whatever it may be...don't look back. Don't ask why. Don't analyze. Because it won't get you anywhere. Remember that great achievements, great opportunities, great love, great outcomes, great happiness........sometimes involve great risk. Go ahead and risk it...what if you get hit by an asteroid tomorrow?
If someone calls you a pathetic loser...THEY are the pathetic loser...no matter what the situation.
I really am going to quit smoking............really...............I am.
I own about 423,567 candles, and I don't ever light them.
I own about 423,566 pairs of flip flops, and I alternate wearing only 2 pair of them. Unless it's a special occasion of course...then I break out the stash.
I own 1 dress...and I never....ever....EVER wear it. And that doesn't phase me one single itsy bitsy bit. If it bothers you....call Anderson Cooper.
I had a nightmare once about Bruce Willis chasing me through a haunted house naked...HE was naked, not me. And let me tell ya...it was not a pretty sight. I had seen a movie with him in a POOL.....NAKED....ok...and then my cousin was telling me a story about her getting chased through the haunted house at the very end by the chainsaw guy. SO naturally, that night...I had a nightmare that naked Bruce (with cold water flapping winkie) was running after me through a haunted house! This was seriously, like, 4 years ago that I had this dream. I am still to this day traumatized by it. And now you are too.
Party on Wayne.
Ron White is going to be at the Pearl River Resort Saturday, June 3rd...SATURDAY. OK...my comps are only for WEEKDAYS...bloody hell. But, as he likes to say, "I believe if life gives you lemons....make lemonade. Then find someone with vodka and have yourself a party!!" Ron...you rule. Pass the smirnoff.
I have dyed my hair...again. I bought "Warm Golden Brown." Instead...it's dark chestnut brown with auburn highlights. And it's fabulous. I know you're jealous. Don't try to hide it.
Anderson Cooper's new book, Dispatches From The Edge is out now. It's basically in a nutshell supposed to be his memoir. OK. I like Anderson. I don't have any reason to DISLIKE him. He's been getting some beatings from certain media outlets that his book really can't be considered a memoir because he doesn't talk about his personal life...i.e. being gay. He does, however, talk about his father's death. He also talks about how his brother threw himself off of his mother's (Gloria Vanderbilt) penthouse balcony right in front of her. For a guy that started out as a freelance journalist traveling around the world trying to show people the CRAP that goes on...I think we need to cut the guy a friggin break already.
Sometimes things happen. And it may be a good thing or a bad thing...doesn't matter what "thing." And you may be scared. Because you may have been through it before, and you're scared of getting hurt or burned or lost or turned away or "we can't help this time" or just scared. Or you may be starting a new chapter in your life...or maybe your world SEEMS turned upside down...or maybe your days seem to be running together. Or maybe you're just tired. But this thing that's happening...whatever it may be...don't look back. Don't ask why. Don't analyze. Because it won't get you anywhere. Remember that great achievements, great opportunities, great love, great outcomes, great happiness........sometimes involve great risk. Go ahead and risk it...what if you get hit by an asteroid tomorrow?
If someone calls you a pathetic loser...THEY are the pathetic loser...no matter what the situation.
I really am going to quit smoking............really...............I am.
I own about 423,567 candles, and I don't ever light them.
I own about 423,566 pairs of flip flops, and I alternate wearing only 2 pair of them. Unless it's a special occasion of course...then I break out the stash.
I own 1 dress...and I never....ever....EVER wear it. And that doesn't phase me one single itsy bitsy bit. If it bothers you....call Anderson Cooper.
I had a nightmare once about Bruce Willis chasing me through a haunted house naked...HE was naked, not me. And let me tell ya...it was not a pretty sight. I had seen a movie with him in a POOL.....NAKED....ok...and then my cousin was telling me a story about her getting chased through the haunted house at the very end by the chainsaw guy. SO naturally, that night...I had a nightmare that naked Bruce (with cold water flapping winkie) was running after me through a haunted house! This was seriously, like, 4 years ago that I had this dream. I am still to this day traumatized by it. And now you are too.
Party on Wayne.
May 24, 2006
The Mini Vaca
With all the dramarama going on around here, I decided I needed a little R&R. So I took my casino comps (free night, free cash and free meal), and headed up to the Pearl River Resort for a night all by myself. I was thinking it would be perfect. I could hang out at the penny and nickel slots...drink some free drinks...have a good steak at the Bistro...and crash out on the king size bed in a FREEEEEEZING cold room for a night of solitude, peace and quiet, and no Nermies.
After the hour and a half drive there, I walked in to what appeared to be Retirement Jamboree Day at the Golden Moon. Senior citizens poured out of every nook and cranny. Lines a million people long were at every place I needed to go. On a Monday. But...that's ok...I was in no hurry at all. After I finally got my room key and had given the desk clerk my $50 deposit for my FREE room in case I decided to watch any porn (don't they know they should've asked me for at LEAST $100 with my porn addiction!) I got up to my room on the 11th floor and immediately turned the thermostat to "Igloo." Then I proceeded to go downstairs and immediately lose some money. SO I went back upstairs and watched Law and Order until time for dinner. I headed over to the Bistro with my free meal ticket in hand ready to chow down on a New York strip steak medium rare, eggs, hashbrowns and toast. Yummy. The plate came out steaming hot. Eggs scrambled soft just like I like em. Steak mooing just a little. Time to dig in. One problem though. Have you ever tried to eat a steak when you've recently had a root canal on one side of your mouth and on the other side of your mouth you've had extractions and a dry socket? Well, if you haven't ever tried it, don't. A little less than half the steak gone (which took me about 1/2 an hour to accomplish) and I was dunzo. But hey...it was free. Back to the slots where I finally grabbed my fav Texas Tea and of COURSE it didn't fail me. Won back my money plus some. And had my way with a few amaretto sours in the process. It was a little boring having no one to talk to, but that WAS the whole purpose of me coming here by myself wasn't it? Ahhh. Time for some serious sleepage. Once I got back to my room and wiped the icicles off the bed and snuggled in, I was OUT. That is...until about 4 AM. When all hell broke loose.
I woke up to screams and grunts and a child crying. And you know when you wake up in a place that you are unfamiliar with, you are totally disoriented at first. My heart is beating 1000 beats a minute and I'm wondering if I'm dreaming. Then a thud...right beside my hotel room door. Holy Do Not Disturb Batman. I jump out of the bed and go over to the door and look out the peep hole and all I can see is a couple of arms swinging. But I can HEAR everything. A child is screaming, "Mommy!!! You're BLEEDING!!" Mommy was screaming at her husband to stop hitting her...to put away the knife. I run to the phone and call down to the front desk. Tell them I'm on the 11th floor, there's a woman who I believe is getting the living crap beat out of her and she might be bleeding...please send security. The woman on the phone said, "Okkkkaaaay." Maybe she thought I was dreaming too. In 2 minutes I heard the man and woman freak out and try to RUN from the security guards into their hotel room. The woman actually didn't want her freak of a husband to go to jail. But security saw what room they went into...not to mention, you could have heard that poor child screaming from a mile away. They pulled the woman and child out into the hall and started questioning her. I couldn't hear all of it over the sound of walkie talkies and people coming and going. Her excuse was this..."We're just so TIRED!" Umm hmm. Whatever lady. You're child just witnessed your husband beat and cut you up, and you're hyperventilating and crying and bleeding all over the place. You're tired my ass. So, for the next 2 1/2 hours I listened to crying and yelling and walkie talkies and doors slamming and people running and walking and talking and blah blah blah until I finally passed back out again. I woke up again just in time to get my stuff out of the room for check out. People...let me tell you something.
After the night I had, I probably SHOULDN'T have tried my luck at the slots again, but I'm glad I did. I played the nickel slots and won $200. AND I walked away. However...I have no idea how much I came out ahead. Because I don't know exactly how much I brought and how much I spent and all that jazz. Case in point why I need a casino money management coach...cough cough...BT. I have to say that I'm glad I went. It WAS good to get away for a night...even if it was rudely interrupted. And I'll be going back soon...VERY soon...with my June comps. But next time I'll be asking for the room with the king size bed on the DRAMA FREE floor.
Stay tuned for more adventures!
~*MareBear*~
After the hour and a half drive there, I walked in to what appeared to be Retirement Jamboree Day at the Golden Moon. Senior citizens poured out of every nook and cranny. Lines a million people long were at every place I needed to go. On a Monday. But...that's ok...I was in no hurry at all. After I finally got my room key and had given the desk clerk my $50 deposit for my FREE room in case I decided to watch any porn (don't they know they should've asked me for at LEAST $100 with my porn addiction!) I got up to my room on the 11th floor and immediately turned the thermostat to "Igloo." Then I proceeded to go downstairs and immediately lose some money. SO I went back upstairs and watched Law and Order until time for dinner. I headed over to the Bistro with my free meal ticket in hand ready to chow down on a New York strip steak medium rare, eggs, hashbrowns and toast. Yummy. The plate came out steaming hot. Eggs scrambled soft just like I like em. Steak mooing just a little. Time to dig in. One problem though. Have you ever tried to eat a steak when you've recently had a root canal on one side of your mouth and on the other side of your mouth you've had extractions and a dry socket? Well, if you haven't ever tried it, don't. A little less than half the steak gone (which took me about 1/2 an hour to accomplish) and I was dunzo. But hey...it was free. Back to the slots where I finally grabbed my fav Texas Tea and of COURSE it didn't fail me. Won back my money plus some. And had my way with a few amaretto sours in the process. It was a little boring having no one to talk to, but that WAS the whole purpose of me coming here by myself wasn't it? Ahhh. Time for some serious sleepage. Once I got back to my room and wiped the icicles off the bed and snuggled in, I was OUT. That is...until about 4 AM. When all hell broke loose.
I woke up to screams and grunts and a child crying. And you know when you wake up in a place that you are unfamiliar with, you are totally disoriented at first. My heart is beating 1000 beats a minute and I'm wondering if I'm dreaming. Then a thud...right beside my hotel room door. Holy Do Not Disturb Batman. I jump out of the bed and go over to the door and look out the peep hole and all I can see is a couple of arms swinging. But I can HEAR everything. A child is screaming, "Mommy!!! You're BLEEDING!!" Mommy was screaming at her husband to stop hitting her...to put away the knife. I run to the phone and call down to the front desk. Tell them I'm on the 11th floor, there's a woman who I believe is getting the living crap beat out of her and she might be bleeding...please send security. The woman on the phone said, "Okkkkaaaay." Maybe she thought I was dreaming too. In 2 minutes I heard the man and woman freak out and try to RUN from the security guards into their hotel room. The woman actually didn't want her freak of a husband to go to jail. But security saw what room they went into...not to mention, you could have heard that poor child screaming from a mile away. They pulled the woman and child out into the hall and started questioning her. I couldn't hear all of it over the sound of walkie talkies and people coming and going. Her excuse was this..."We're just so TIRED!" Umm hmm. Whatever lady. You're child just witnessed your husband beat and cut you up, and you're hyperventilating and crying and bleeding all over the place. You're tired my ass. So, for the next 2 1/2 hours I listened to crying and yelling and walkie talkies and doors slamming and people running and walking and talking and blah blah blah until I finally passed back out again. I woke up again just in time to get my stuff out of the room for check out. People...let me tell you something.
Drama
follows
me
everywhere.
After the night I had, I probably SHOULDN'T have tried my luck at the slots again, but I'm glad I did. I played the nickel slots and won $200. AND I walked away. However...I have no idea how much I came out ahead. Because I don't know exactly how much I brought and how much I spent and all that jazz. Case in point why I need a casino money management coach...cough cough...BT. I have to say that I'm glad I went. It WAS good to get away for a night...even if it was rudely interrupted. And I'll be going back soon...VERY soon...with my June comps. But next time I'll be asking for the room with the king size bed on the DRAMA FREE floor.
Stay tuned for more adventures!
~*MareBear*~
May 22, 2006
Return of The Big "C" - Episode 3
When you're cruisin' down a highway of denial, the scenery can be pretty darn beautiful. The sky is blue. The trees are full and green. The speed limit sign says, "Take it easy...you're in NO hurry. But no one will bother you if you're a little heavy on the gas pedal." The road stretches before you and looks mighty long and inviting. You could drive it forever. Until suddenly...the gas light comes on, a storm cloud fills up the sunny sky, and you realize you just ran over a skunk.
Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2002. She found a lump in her breast, went to get a mammogram and lo and behold, there it was. A lumpectomy, radiation and chemo and it was gone. Less than a year later, it was back again. And this time it had metastasized to her skull and spine. Stage 4 cancer. Prognosis....not good. There was some hinting around that Mom needed to take some vacations and wrap it up. But then a great thing happened. A thing called Herceptin. It was a pretty new drug therapy that they started her on and, amazingly, it worked! Along with some intense radiation to the back of her skull (which for a while left her with a FINE looking bald spot!) the cancer went away....again. Mom would go every 3 months for a PET scan that would look for spots of cancer and every 3 months the scans came back clear! So then we were left with NED. We loved NED. No Evidence of Disease. NED was our friend. I got REAL cozy with NED. Mom kept trying to prepare me that with a recurrence like she had (meaning one that came back only less than a year after first being diagnosed and one that had metastasized) that it was very likely the cancer would come back. And every time she would tell me that...I would get FURIOUS. NO...it is NOT going to come back. "Life is a highway...I'm gonna ride it all night long!"
So, this past Tuesday, Mom went for her PET scan. Normally when she calls in the afternoon to get the results, the nurse puts her on hold and goes to get them. This time, the nurse told her they didn't have them yet and that they would call her tomorrow. Five minutes later, her phone rings. It was the doctor. They had found 4 spots on the scan in her left breast. She needed to come in ASAP for a mammogram and a biopsy. (I smell a skunk.) Wednesday, Mom went in and had NINE mammograms on her left breast and a needle biopsy. But it was basically just a formality. (Does anyone hear that dinging? I think my gas light's on.) Friday, she got the call. The lab results were in. Return of the big "C", and I don't mean the carnival's in town. (Ohhh...here comes the rain.)
Here is where we stand. Mom goes and sees the doc again on Wednesday. She will most likely have a double masectomy and chemo. The doc wants to take her case in front of the tumor board (which is basically like getting a whole bunch of second opinions all at once) because of her history. So, we will see what he has to say.
All I really want to say is that at any point we can be driving along and get side-swiped. You can live your life braced for it and cowering, or you can enjoy the scenery along the way. Either way, sometimes you're going to hit a skunk or run out of gas or hit a rain shower. You just have to learn to hold your nose, bring a gas can and turn on your windshield wipers.
We're gonna fight it. And we're gonna kick it's ass.
Love to all as always!
~*MareBear*~
Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2002. She found a lump in her breast, went to get a mammogram and lo and behold, there it was. A lumpectomy, radiation and chemo and it was gone. Less than a year later, it was back again. And this time it had metastasized to her skull and spine. Stage 4 cancer. Prognosis....not good. There was some hinting around that Mom needed to take some vacations and wrap it up. But then a great thing happened. A thing called Herceptin. It was a pretty new drug therapy that they started her on and, amazingly, it worked! Along with some intense radiation to the back of her skull (which for a while left her with a FINE looking bald spot!) the cancer went away....again. Mom would go every 3 months for a PET scan that would look for spots of cancer and every 3 months the scans came back clear! So then we were left with NED. We loved NED. No Evidence of Disease. NED was our friend. I got REAL cozy with NED. Mom kept trying to prepare me that with a recurrence like she had (meaning one that came back only less than a year after first being diagnosed and one that had metastasized) that it was very likely the cancer would come back. And every time she would tell me that...I would get FURIOUS. NO...it is NOT going to come back. "Life is a highway...I'm gonna ride it all night long!"
So, this past Tuesday, Mom went for her PET scan. Normally when she calls in the afternoon to get the results, the nurse puts her on hold and goes to get them. This time, the nurse told her they didn't have them yet and that they would call her tomorrow. Five minutes later, her phone rings. It was the doctor. They had found 4 spots on the scan in her left breast. She needed to come in ASAP for a mammogram and a biopsy. (I smell a skunk.) Wednesday, Mom went in and had NINE mammograms on her left breast and a needle biopsy. But it was basically just a formality. (Does anyone hear that dinging? I think my gas light's on.) Friday, she got the call. The lab results were in. Return of the big "C", and I don't mean the carnival's in town. (Ohhh...here comes the rain.)
Here is where we stand. Mom goes and sees the doc again on Wednesday. She will most likely have a double masectomy and chemo. The doc wants to take her case in front of the tumor board (which is basically like getting a whole bunch of second opinions all at once) because of her history. So, we will see what he has to say.
All I really want to say is that at any point we can be driving along and get side-swiped. You can live your life braced for it and cowering, or you can enjoy the scenery along the way. Either way, sometimes you're going to hit a skunk or run out of gas or hit a rain shower. You just have to learn to hold your nose, bring a gas can and turn on your windshield wipers.
We're gonna fight it. And we're gonna kick it's ass.
Love to all as always!
~*MareBear*~
May 21, 2006
Boobs, Grass and Teeth
I know it's been a while since I've updated and given this blog a little rant or two. I've been a busy bee. As you know from my previous post, Miss Elizabeth Grace was born and Mom and I spent a WONDERFUL week with her in the Big Ham! We got a call last Monday morning at 10 AM that Aimes was in labor (THE REAL THING!!) and we tore out of here and made it into the parking lot of the hospital as Tamster was calling on my cell phone screaming, "We're in stirrups, and I SEE THE HEAD!!!" Do you realize how hard it is to DRIVE and hear those words?? Anyway, it was a joyous occasion, and she's the bestest little baby in the world. And again, I'm totally not being biased or anything! ; ) It was great spending so much time with the fam all week. But when we got back to Jackson, it was back to business as usual. I had a date with the dentist.
I went in there and told her straight up that I was NOT going to have root canals on every single tooth just to have them fail on me later. Not to mention...no way in hell am I giving up my Vaults. I was ready for a fight!! Ready to go in there and set her straight, prepared to take my teeth elsewhere. But...this strange thing happened. The universe just stopped. A DOCTOR AGREED WITH ME!!!!!!!!! She said, OK then. I'll do whatever you want to do. We'll take all the teeth out except for the molars and put in fake ones. AND...are you guys ready for THIS?!?!? AND they are going to treat me as if I have dental insurance...meaning I only have to pay 20%. They are going to cover the rest of the cost. Ummm. Holy dentures Batman!!!! So the entire enchilada which would have originally cost me around $4200 is NOW only going to cost me around $1000! I would have kissed the woman if she hadn't had sharp instruments in her hand! I did have to endure one root canal on one of the molars that they are leaving...but hey...that was NOTHING compared to the extractions I had done by Dr. Mutilator a month or so ago! So...the next step is pulling ALL of my teeth which will NOT be fun...at all. Hopefully they won't be as bad as the last time I got some pulled. Needless to say, I will be eating mush for quite a while because even though I will have my fake beautiful teeth IMMEDIATELY, my gums will be so tender that I won't want to bite down on anything for a long time. But hey...guess this is one weight loss plan I hadn't really thought about! But in the end, I will have a GORGEOUS, perfect smile, and I won't have to worry about infection when it comes to my hip surgery!!! YAY!!!!!
So yesterday we got something that we've been waiting for since January 1st. GRASS!!! Mom and the dogs were especially thrilled. The yard looks absolutely transformed. The workers showed up yesterday morning at around 9 AM and didn't leave until almost 8 PM. I use the term "workers" lightly. They took turns sleeping on the side of the house, sleeping in our patio chairs, waving their empty cups at us through our window to get "filtered water" instead of water from the outside faucet, and asking us to use our phone to call friends to ask when they could be picked up. What they DIDN'T realize is that THEIR boss works for a guy who works with my dad. So one phone call and their boss was on his way over. He snuck around the side of the house and caught a few of them sleeping. There was some cussing and kicking and surprised people. After the fact it's pretty amusing, but at the time I was a little afraid that they'd come shoot up the house that night for us getting them in trouble with their boss! But anyway, now we have a nice green yard for mom and the dogs to play in!! FINALLY! Here's a before and after.
I went in there and told her straight up that I was NOT going to have root canals on every single tooth just to have them fail on me later. Not to mention...no way in hell am I giving up my Vaults. I was ready for a fight!! Ready to go in there and set her straight, prepared to take my teeth elsewhere. But...this strange thing happened. The universe just stopped. A DOCTOR AGREED WITH ME!!!!!!!!! She said, OK then. I'll do whatever you want to do. We'll take all the teeth out except for the molars and put in fake ones. AND...are you guys ready for THIS?!?!? AND they are going to treat me as if I have dental insurance...meaning I only have to pay 20%. They are going to cover the rest of the cost. Ummm. Holy dentures Batman!!!! So the entire enchilada which would have originally cost me around $4200 is NOW only going to cost me around $1000! I would have kissed the woman if she hadn't had sharp instruments in her hand! I did have to endure one root canal on one of the molars that they are leaving...but hey...that was NOTHING compared to the extractions I had done by Dr. Mutilator a month or so ago! So...the next step is pulling ALL of my teeth which will NOT be fun...at all. Hopefully they won't be as bad as the last time I got some pulled. Needless to say, I will be eating mush for quite a while because even though I will have my fake beautiful teeth IMMEDIATELY, my gums will be so tender that I won't want to bite down on anything for a long time. But hey...guess this is one weight loss plan I hadn't really thought about! But in the end, I will have a GORGEOUS, perfect smile, and I won't have to worry about infection when it comes to my hip surgery!!! YAY!!!!!
So yesterday we got something that we've been waiting for since January 1st. GRASS!!! Mom and the dogs were especially thrilled. The yard looks absolutely transformed. The workers showed up yesterday morning at around 9 AM and didn't leave until almost 8 PM. I use the term "workers" lightly. They took turns sleeping on the side of the house, sleeping in our patio chairs, waving their empty cups at us through our window to get "filtered water" instead of water from the outside faucet, and asking us to use our phone to call friends to ask when they could be picked up. What they DIDN'T realize is that THEIR boss works for a guy who works with my dad. So one phone call and their boss was on his way over. He snuck around the side of the house and caught a few of them sleeping. There was some cussing and kicking and surprised people. After the fact it's pretty amusing, but at the time I was a little afraid that they'd come shoot up the house that night for us getting them in trouble with their boss! But anyway, now we have a nice green yard for mom and the dogs to play in!! FINALLY! Here's a before and after.
Now on to the boob section of this blog entry, which I'm sure many of the guys out there may have fast forwarded to. Sorry to disappoint fellas, but this isn't going to be a kinky rendition of Sex In the City. Tuesday, I had my first mammogram. For those of you who have never had one...pull up a chair. I had to have one being only 25 years old because since Mom was struck with the big "C" before she hit menopause that put me in the "VERY STRONG" category of getting breast cancer. So, I go in to the cancer center and don a VERY attractive gown and sit in front of this very inviting machine. The nurse was pretty cool though. Side note here... She used to work with Dr. Warmth and Charm!!! We dished about him for about 30 minutes. She gave me some good tips on how to handle lovely residents that don't know their ass from a hole in the ground. But anywho. She asks me to stand in front of this machine that has a platform at boob level and a clear flat board above it that can be manually or mechanically moved up and down. She puts my boobs up there one by one and proceeds to SMASH the hell out of them. I don't look until she has pushed the clear plastic board down as far as she needs it to and then she says, OK...you can look. Ummm...I had NO idea my boob could be as flat as a pancake. But I do now. My boob is talented. It's a shape shifter. And to be honest...the up and down smashing didn't even really hurt. But when she had to smash them DIAGONALLY!?!? Yeah...let's not even go there. That involves armpit and boob and nipple and muscle and a whole bunch of holding your breath and just...well...ugh. At least it only lasts a couple of seconds. As for the results...they haven't called me back for a follow up ultrasound, so I'm taking that as a good sign. And they said as long as I don't have any problems I won't have to have another one until I'm 30! YEE HAW!!!
So...there you have it...there has been plenty of drama...and I will have more posts to come that have to do with some other more serious family drama. But as for now...boobs, grass and teeth...you are pretty much caught up! ; )
Love to all as always!
~*MareBear*~
May 18, 2006
Introducing Elizabeth Grace
She's FINALLY HERE!!! Elizabeth Grace was born on Monday, May 8, 2006 at 3:55 PM. She weighed in at 6 lbs. 7 oz. and was 18 inches long. CUTEST LITTLE BABY GIRL IN THE WHOLE WORLD! And I'm totally not being partial! ; ) I am going to write more about her birth and our travels and the week spent in Birmingham with her and her mommy and daddy, but I've just returned from a root canal and feeling a little BLAH...so for NOW, I am just going to put up a few pictures to tide everyone over! ; ) So here you go!!! ELIZABETH GRACE!! Welcome to the world sweetheart! We are SO glad you are here!
This is what she did pretty much the whole time we were there....SLEEP!! Don't get TOO used to it Mommy!!! ; ) She really IS the bestest baby in the world!
Again...sleeping, but see that finger she's holding so tight? That would be her Aunt MAREBEAR's finger!! She adores me. Really...she does. She told me so when no one else was watching. We have a bond already!
This is me holding the precious sleeping girl! We'll ignore the fact that I'm teaching her horrible habits because I'm wearing a t-shirt from Cancun with a BEER prominently across it with the word AAAHHH in really big print. Well...at least it's a BOTTLE right? Right. : )
This is Mom (Aunt Beth) with little Elizabeth! Aren't they adorable??? I love this picture! I think Mom was the only sensible one to wear a pink shirt to the hospital!! Smart thinking Mom!
I will have PLENTY more pictures to come and PLENTY more entries on Miss Elizabeth on the way!!! In the meantime, I hope you guys enjoy these pics!!! Love you guys SO very very much!!
~*Cousin/Aunt MareBear*~
This is what she did pretty much the whole time we were there....SLEEP!! Don't get TOO used to it Mommy!!! ; ) She really IS the bestest baby in the world!
Again...sleeping, but see that finger she's holding so tight? That would be her Aunt MAREBEAR's finger!! She adores me. Really...she does. She told me so when no one else was watching. We have a bond already!
This is me holding the precious sleeping girl! We'll ignore the fact that I'm teaching her horrible habits because I'm wearing a t-shirt from Cancun with a BEER prominently across it with the word AAAHHH in really big print. Well...at least it's a BOTTLE right? Right. : )
This is Mom (Aunt Beth) with little Elizabeth! Aren't they adorable??? I love this picture! I think Mom was the only sensible one to wear a pink shirt to the hospital!! Smart thinking Mom!
Here is GreatGrandad holding his greatgranddaughter for the first time! And all 3 of his granddaughters standing behind him. Mommy Amy is in the pink striped shirt. Sister Tammy a.k.a Tamster is in the pink shirt behind him and ME...again...in the CASINO SHIRT on the other side of him. So here I am teaching her about beer and gambling. *sigh* What a great role model! ; )
I will have PLENTY more pictures to come and PLENTY more entries on Miss Elizabeth on the way!!! In the meantime, I hope you guys enjoy these pics!!! Love you guys SO very very much!!
~*Cousin/Aunt MareBear*~
April 29, 2006
Every Once In A While
Thursday I went for my consult at the new dentist. It did NOT go well. Seems that pretty much every tooth SUCKS. At least 3 teeth need root canals. And the rest of them need to be worked on...big time. She also told me that if I wanted to invest the time and money into FIXING all of my teeth instead of removing all of them and just getting fake ones, that I might as well kiss sugary stuff goodbye forever. Meaning...I can never drink sodas AGAIN. Goodbye Vaults. Well, you know what. NO THANKS. Just take them all out and give me fake ones. I am NOT kidding.
Every once in a while...I get really really really tired of rolling with the punches. I get tired of brushing the dirt off. I get tired of having to keep my sense of humor about all of this. I'm sick of having this pain. I'm sick of going through horrible procedures that put me in even more pain. I'm sick and tired of being positive. Every once in a while...I get tired of feeling utterly alone even though I'm surrounded by people. Because at night, when the lights go out...it's just me. And I have to deal with this all by myself. And the people who say that they are "there for me" are at home with the people they love. They are with people that need them. Nermil needs me. Every once in a while I get really pissed off. I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of being patient. I'm tired of dealing with all of this. I'm tired of feeling like I have to be happy in the face of adversity. Sometimes...every once in a while...I just want to be mad. I want to be angry. I want to be in bed with the covers over my face imagining that this isn't happening to me. Every once in a while...I want to hand this over to someone else. I want something GOOD to happen for once. Every once in a while I get tired of people telling me that "things could be worse." Yes, I already know that. But right now, things suck for me...so I don't want to hear that, OK?!?!? I'm tired of not living. I'm tired of not doing. I'm tired of pain. I'm tired of doctors. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of smiling when I don't want to.
I'm just tired. Really tired. And every once in a while...I wish this wasn't happening to me.
Every once in a while...I get really really really tired of rolling with the punches. I get tired of brushing the dirt off. I get tired of having to keep my sense of humor about all of this. I'm sick of having this pain. I'm sick of going through horrible procedures that put me in even more pain. I'm sick and tired of being positive. Every once in a while...I get tired of feeling utterly alone even though I'm surrounded by people. Because at night, when the lights go out...it's just me. And I have to deal with this all by myself. And the people who say that they are "there for me" are at home with the people they love. They are with people that need them. Nermil needs me. Every once in a while I get really pissed off. I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of being patient. I'm tired of dealing with all of this. I'm tired of feeling like I have to be happy in the face of adversity. Sometimes...every once in a while...I just want to be mad. I want to be angry. I want to be in bed with the covers over my face imagining that this isn't happening to me. Every once in a while...I want to hand this over to someone else. I want something GOOD to happen for once. Every once in a while I get tired of people telling me that "things could be worse." Yes, I already know that. But right now, things suck for me...so I don't want to hear that, OK?!?!? I'm tired of not living. I'm tired of not doing. I'm tired of pain. I'm tired of doctors. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of smiling when I don't want to.
I'm just tired. Really tired. And every once in a while...I wish this wasn't happening to me.
April 25, 2006
Love Quotes
Love Quotes!! I literally went through about 100 of these quotes and pulled out the ones that I figured would best fit me and people that I know. They are really eye opening. I know some people hate reading quotes, and if you are one of them, feel free to just move along. But these are goodies. My comments are in a different color. Enjoy! ~MareBear
Doc Childre
Our true identity is to love without fear and insecurity. Our higher potential finds us when we set our course in that direction. The power of love and compassion transforms insecurity.
I'll never understand why some people have the need to make us feel insecure to "show us their love." I've been there, done that. But true love is when our insecurity is no longer felt. It's when one day, we wake up and say, "Whatever happened to that insecure person?" That person is gone because true love has transformed you into someone who is secure in yourself again. That's when you know that someone truly loves you.
Vipin Sharma
Love the heart that hurts you, but never hurt the heart that loves you.
Jason Jordan
True love does not come by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
Jason Jordan
Love is fire. But whether it's gonna warm your heart or burn your house down you can never tell.
This one made me crack up.
Rainer Maria Rilke
Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart. And try to love the questions themselves.
Always keep growing and keep asking those questions.
Unknown
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
Hmmmm...Something to ponder!
Franklin P. Jones
Love doesn't make the world go 'round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.
Yeeeee Hawwwww!!!!
Dinah Shore
Trouble is part of your life — if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you a chance to love you enough.
This is a hard one for me to grasp. Guess I'll have to work on it.
Luciano de Crescenzo
We are, each of us angels with only one wing; and we can only fly by embracing one another.
Ursula K. LeGuin from The Lathe of Heaven
Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone; it has to be made, like bread, remade all the time, made new.
This is something that EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON THE PLANET needs to work on. No exceptions!!! So get to it people!! Right now!
Buddha
You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.
Again, something that everyone needs to work on. So...what are you waiting on?
Jeremy Irons
Love is friendship set on fire.
Wowza...I LOVE this quote. If you don't have friendship to fall back on, you have NOTHING. And Jeremy Irons said this??? Umm ok then!
Sir Hugh Walpoe
The most wonderful of all things in life, I believe, is the discovery of another human being with whom one's relationship has a glowing depth, beauty, and joy as the years increase. This inner progressiveness of love between two human beings is a most marvelous thing, it cannot be found by looking for it or by passionately wishing for it. It is a sort of Divine accident.
Let's all just collectively sigh now.
Mae West
Loves conquers all things except poverty and toothache.
I couldn't resist.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Love is not just looking at each other, it's looking in the same direction.
This quote hit the nail on the head.
W. H. Auden
In those whom I like, I can find no common denominator; in those whom I love I can: they all make me laugh.
True dat!
English proverb
Absence sharpens love, presence strengthens it.
Are these people living my LIFE???
Douglas Yates
People who are sensible about love are incapable of it.
Bessie Stanley
He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much.
Well, let's all hope we are very successful people!! So far, I think I've had quite a bit of success! Can you say the same?!?! If not, GET TO IT!
Doc Childre
Our true identity is to love without fear and insecurity. Our higher potential finds us when we set our course in that direction. The power of love and compassion transforms insecurity.
I'll never understand why some people have the need to make us feel insecure to "show us their love." I've been there, done that. But true love is when our insecurity is no longer felt. It's when one day, we wake up and say, "Whatever happened to that insecure person?" That person is gone because true love has transformed you into someone who is secure in yourself again. That's when you know that someone truly loves you.
Vipin Sharma
Love the heart that hurts you, but never hurt the heart that loves you.
Jason Jordan
True love does not come by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
Jason Jordan
Love is fire. But whether it's gonna warm your heart or burn your house down you can never tell.
This one made me crack up.
Rainer Maria Rilke
Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart. And try to love the questions themselves.
Always keep growing and keep asking those questions.
Unknown
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
Hmmmm...Something to ponder!
Franklin P. Jones
Love doesn't make the world go 'round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.
Yeeeee Hawwwww!!!!
Dinah Shore
Trouble is part of your life — if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you a chance to love you enough.
This is a hard one for me to grasp. Guess I'll have to work on it.
Luciano de Crescenzo
We are, each of us angels with only one wing; and we can only fly by embracing one another.
Ursula K. LeGuin from The Lathe of Heaven
Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone; it has to be made, like bread, remade all the time, made new.
This is something that EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON THE PLANET needs to work on. No exceptions!!! So get to it people!! Right now!
Buddha
You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.
Again, something that everyone needs to work on. So...what are you waiting on?
Jeremy Irons
Love is friendship set on fire.
Wowza...I LOVE this quote. If you don't have friendship to fall back on, you have NOTHING. And Jeremy Irons said this??? Umm ok then!
Sir Hugh Walpoe
The most wonderful of all things in life, I believe, is the discovery of another human being with whom one's relationship has a glowing depth, beauty, and joy as the years increase. This inner progressiveness of love between two human beings is a most marvelous thing, it cannot be found by looking for it or by passionately wishing for it. It is a sort of Divine accident.
Let's all just collectively sigh now.
Mae West
Loves conquers all things except poverty and toothache.
I couldn't resist.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Love is not just looking at each other, it's looking in the same direction.
This quote hit the nail on the head.
W. H. Auden
In those whom I like, I can find no common denominator; in those whom I love I can: they all make me laugh.
True dat!
English proverb
Absence sharpens love, presence strengthens it.
Are these people living my LIFE???
Douglas Yates
People who are sensible about love are incapable of it.
Bessie Stanley
He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much.
Well, let's all hope we are very successful people!! So far, I think I've had quite a bit of success! Can you say the same?!?! If not, GET TO IT!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)