Every Once In A While

Thursday I went for my consult at the new dentist. It did NOT go well. Seems that pretty much every tooth SUCKS. At least 3 teeth need root canals. And the rest of them need to be worked on...big time. She also told me that if I wanted to invest the time and money into FIXING all of my teeth instead of removing all of them and just getting fake ones, that I might as well kiss sugary stuff goodbye forever. Meaning...I can never drink sodas AGAIN. Goodbye Vaults. Well, you know what. NO THANKS. Just take them all out and give me fake ones. I am NOT kidding.

Every once in a while...I get really really really tired of rolling with the punches. I get tired of brushing the dirt off. I get tired of having to keep my sense of humor about all of this. I'm sick of having this pain. I'm sick of going through horrible procedures that put me in even more pain. I'm sick and tired of being positive. Every once in a while...I get tired of feeling utterly alone even though I'm surrounded by people. Because at night, when the lights go out...it's just me. And I have to deal with this all by myself. And the people who say that they are "there for me" are at home with the people they love. They are with people that need them. Nermil needs me. Every once in a while I get really pissed off. I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of being patient. I'm tired of dealing with all of this. I'm tired of feeling like I have to be happy in the face of adversity. Sometimes...every once in a while...I just want to be mad. I want to be angry. I want to be in bed with the covers over my face imagining that this isn't happening to me. Every once in a while...I want to hand this over to someone else. I want something GOOD to happen for once. Every once in a while I get tired of people telling me that "things could be worse." Yes, I already know that. But right now, things suck for me...so I don't want to hear that, OK?!?!? I'm tired of not living. I'm tired of not doing. I'm tired of pain. I'm tired of doctors. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of smiling when I don't want to.

I'm just tired. Really tired. And every once in a while...I wish this wasn't happening to me.

Love Quotes

Love Quotes!! I literally went through about 100 of these quotes and pulled out the ones that I figured would best fit me and people that I know. They are really eye opening. I know some people hate reading quotes, and if you are one of them, feel free to just move along. But these are goodies. My comments are in a different color. Enjoy! ~MareBear

Doc Childre
Our true identity is to love without fear and insecurity. Our higher potential finds us when we set our course in that direction. The power of love and compassion transforms insecurity.
I'll never understand why some people have the need to make us feel insecure to "show us their love." I've been there, done that. But true love is when our insecurity is no longer felt. It's when one day, we wake up and say, "Whatever happened to that insecure person?" That person is gone because true love has transformed you into someone who is secure in yourself again. That's when you know that someone truly loves you.

Vipin Sharma
Love the heart that hurts you, but never hurt the heart that loves you.

Jason Jordan
True love does not come by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.

Jason Jordan
Love is fire. But whether it's gonna warm your heart or burn your house down you can never tell.
This one made me crack up.

Rainer Maria Rilke
Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart. And try to love the questions themselves.
Always keep growing and keep asking those questions.

Unknown
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.
Hmmmm...Something to ponder!

Franklin P. Jones
Love doesn't make the world go 'round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.
Yeeeee Hawwwww!!!!

Dinah Shore
Trouble is part of your life — if you don't share it, you don't give the person who loves you a chance to love you enough.
This is a hard one for me to grasp. Guess I'll have to work on it.

Luciano de Crescenzo
We are, each of us angels with only one wing; and we can only fly by embracing one another.

Ursula K. LeGuin from The Lathe of Heaven
Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone; it has to be made, like bread, remade all the time, made new.
This is something that EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON THE PLANET needs to work on. No exceptions!!! So get to it people!! Right now!

Buddha
You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.
Again, something that everyone needs to work on. So...what are you waiting on?

Jeremy Irons
Love is friendship set on fire.
Wowza...I LOVE this quote. If you don't have friendship to fall back on, you have NOTHING. And Jeremy Irons said this??? Umm ok then!

Sir Hugh Walpoe
The most wonderful of all things in life, I believe, is the discovery of another human being with whom one's relationship has a glowing depth, beauty, and joy as the years increase. This inner progressiveness of love between two human beings is a most marvelous thing, it cannot be found by looking for it or by passionately wishing for it. It is a sort of Divine accident.
Let's all just collectively sigh now.

Mae West
Loves conquers all things except poverty and toothache.
I couldn't resist.

Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Love is not just looking at each other, it's looking in the same direction.
This quote hit the nail on the head.

W. H. Auden
In those whom I like, I can find no common denominator; in those whom I love I can: they all make me laugh.
True dat!

English proverb
Absence sharpens love, presence strengthens it.
Are these people living my LIFE???

Douglas Yates
People who are sensible about love are incapable of it.

Bessie Stanley
He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often, and loved much.
Well, let's all hope we are very successful people!! So far, I think I've had quite a bit of success! Can you say the same?!?! If not, GET TO IT!

Happiness Quotes

Happiness Quotes! I went through quite a few of these and found some that I think apply to me and MANY people that I know! So read on and be enlightened!!! Oh yeah, and HAPPY!!! : ) ~MareBear

Richard Bach, Illusions
Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours!
I read this one and had to put it as #1. You want 'em...you got 'em!

Carl Jung
Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.
Interesting!!! Maybe we should THINK about that, huh??

Unknown
The really happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery when on a detour.
I like this one. Especially since I've been on quite a long "detour" and I'm doing my bestest to enjoy the scenery. This is a good quote to remember.

Victor Hugo
The supreme happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved — loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves.

Aristotle
Happiness depends upon ourselves.
Kind of reminds me of an entry I did a few days ago! ; )

Robert Anthony
Most people would rather be certain they're miserable, than risk being happy.
Woah...so much I could say on this one. But I shall refrain.

H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road doesn't mean they've gotten lost.
Please reread this quote...stamp it on your forehead so you can see it every time you look in the mirror. Post it everywhere you might see it OFTEN...PLEASE!!!!!

Roy M. Goodman
Remember that happiness is a way of travel — not a destination.
Let's all join hands and sing!

Oscar Wilde
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
This one makes me happy just by reading it!

Helen Keller
When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.

Jacques Prévert
Even if happiness forgets you a little bit, never completely forget about it.
When you get to the end of your rope...tie a knot and hang on!

Thomas Paine
It is necessary to the happiness of man that he be mentally faithful to himself.

Miscellaneous Quotes

Here are some miscellaneous quotes. I think they are really good! So enjoy! Well, those of you who will take the time to read them anyway! ; ) ~MareBear

Unknown
The best relationship is the one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.


Joseph F. Newton
People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.

Francois de la Rochefoucauld
If we are incapable of finding peace in ourselves, it is pointless to search elsewhere.

Richard Bach
The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof.
This one is SO true!

Richard Bach
Every person, all the events of your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.

Robert Fulghum
Peace is not something you wish for; it's something you make, something you do, something you are, something you give away.

Hans Selye
Its not stress that kills us, it is our reaction to it.
What are you trying to say?!?!?! Huh? HUH???? Are you saying that I OVERREACT???

Anonymous
Not respecting yourself, is the same as committing suicide at a slow rate.

Buddha
Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

Thomas Haliburton
When a man is wrong and won't admit it, he always gets angry.
Hmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Winston Churchill
Men stumble over the truth from time to time, but most pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing happened.
Know anyone like this????

Unknown
Pace yourself...an elephant can be swallowed, one bite at a time.
Mmmm...Yummy

Coco Chanel
How many cares one loses when one decides not to be something but to be someone.

Addison Walker
It's not true that nice guys finish last. Nice guys are winners before the game even starts.

Winston Churchill
If you're going through hell, keep going.
OK! I will!!! I like this one...I know a few of us who need to have this as our mantra.

Confucius
Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.
In other words...Keep rolling with the punches!

Things I Want To Do Before I Die

*Marry a man that I love and who will love me with everything he has. A man who will add to my happiness. A man who will be my partner. A man who will write his own lyrics to the song in his soul. A man who will make me feel special and beautiful inside and out all the time. A man who I can trust and will trust me right back. A man that will "be there" always and forever.

*Have a child or children that I can raise to be good and strong people. People that I can be proud to call my own. I want to have the experience of making a baby with someone that I love and watching that little baby grow up to be a great person someday.

*Write that book that I keep threatening to write. I have a subject. Everyone CLAIMS I have the talent. I just have to start believing in myself enough to do it. I honestly don't think that I can compare to the Nicholas Sparks and Danielle Steels out there...but maybe I'll give it a shot. If anything, just to get some things off my chest.

*Go to Paris. For that matter, I'd love to just travel abroad ANYWHERE. But particularly Paris. I want to see the Eiffel Tower at night. Just once.

*Renew some old friendships from the past. It's amazing to me how people drift apart. How you can be so close to people and then POOF! I would love to have this HUGE network of friends. Some people say that it's better to have just a few VERY close friends. And maybe that's true. But I believe that the more people you love, the bigger and stronger your heart is. And I don't see anything wrong with having a lot of friends spread out all over the country. Jeez. NONE of my friends even live in the same STATE as I do!

*Make some friends in the same state as I live. Even better. The same zip code.

*Get stronger in my faith. Walk the walk. The other day I was talking to a friend of mine about some library books I had gotten. When I told her that they were Christian books, she was a little surprised at that. I told her, "Yeah, I guess you wouldn't know from talking to me that I have a lot of Christian books." She laughed and said, "NOPE!" Well, that made me feel INCREDIBLY ashamed. And that's an understatement. I felt more like crawling under the nearest rock and hoping God hadn't just been watching that. Maybe He had been getting a non-fat latte at Heavenly Starbucks at that moment...but I doubt it. So, needless to say, I need to work on that. It was a bit of a wake up call for me. More like a huge slap in the face or a bucket of ice water thrown over my head. Kind of funny...a few days before all of this, I found a church that I think Mom and I are going to try going to. The Big Guy has His ways, doesn't He? If you want to walk on water, you've got to get out of the boat!

*Relax! Stop taking life and everything IN it so seriously. That's pretty much self explanatory. And I'm getting better at this one. WAY better. If you had put me through what I'm going through now, 2 years ago...WOAH...stay OUTTA MY WAY!! I would not have been a pleasant person to be around. But I still need to work on my sensitivity level, and I just need to learn to go with the flow a little bit more. And I know SO many people out there who could use this one in their list.

*Career- This is a tough one because I want so badly to write professionally. But that's a HARD thing to do and make money at it right away. So, once I get back on my feet physically, pun TOTALLY intended, I want to do something that I LIKE doing. And yes, this is everyone's dream, but I have been given a chance to take the time out to figure OUT what I want to do when it's time to go back to work. So...I will have to get back to you on this subject. I have some ideas, but nothing substantial.

*Get back to playing the guitar and maybe even writing my own songs again. And get good enough to where I WON'T be mortified if someone asks me to play for them.

*Grow. And no, I don't mean get TALLER. I want to keep growing and learning every single day of my life. I hope I never ever stop. I want to use the talents I've been given and not keep them bottled up. I want to LIVE and not just sit around NOT living anymore. I want to learn and experience new things and meet new people. I just want to BE.

*Add to this list. I want to keep adding to this list everytime I think of something else I want to do before I die. And this is a rather SHORT list. A general list. There isn't too much that is detailed on here. I'm sure I could think of a million LITTLE things I want to do, but this is a good start. I think all of us should take a "life inventory" at some point. Check in with ourselves and see how we're doing.

Hopefully, I'll live a long, full life. But if I don't, I know that I have learned and loved a lot in the life that I have lived so far. But it's good to think about how I could make my next years better. How I can learn and love and live a little bit better and a little bit more. And after writing this...I'm kinda looking forward to it!

Oh, and if you're still sitting there wondering if I meant you on the RELAX and go with the flow statement...you know...the one where I said that I knew SO many people who could use this one their list? If you are STILL sitting here getting a little defensive, thinking I might have meant you, then yes, I meant you.

Love to all as always!

~*MareBear*~

Slice And Dice No More

Surgery has been cancelled...or rather postponed. Last Thursday I went for my pre-op testing and instead of meeting with Dr. Incredibly-Stunning-and-Fabulous I met with a Nurse Practitioner who answered my questions with ease (imagine that) and took care of business like a champ. One thing that got brought up was my teeth. For those of you who DON'T know...my teeth are...well...HORRIBLE. I was blessed with weak enamel and my teeth break if I SMILE crooked. I've already had several thousands of dollars of work done on my teeth and to no avail. I've already had quite a few teeth extracted as well. So, I knew that I had a few teeth that were in bad shape to put it mildly, and that any infection in your mouth is a BIG no-no when it comes to having any type of surgery...ESPECIALLY a hip replacement. So I opened wide and showed the NP and she said....Oh yes...get those OUT before the surgery on Monday. It was put to me like this..."The hip replacement is like a MAGNET for infection. So you need to get any infection completely out of your body so it doesn't travel through your blood stream straight to that hip!" So, off we went to the dentist that very afternoon.

The dentist took a full mouth x-ray and surprise surprise, I had THREE teeth that were already abscessed!! So lucky me, I got laid up on the chair with my trusty gas mask and the excision began. No, not EXORCISM...although at one point I did almost want to turn into Linda Blair and start screaming dirty words at the woman in a really evil voice...but I couldn't because my mouth was otherwise engaged. Anyway...one of the teeth had to be surgically removed, and by surgically, I mean she had to tug...and pull....and cut...and twist...and yank...and tear it out in pieces. At one point the novocaine wore off and I felt her pulling and cutting and it was like lightening shooting through my body (or at least what I would assume lightening would feel like) and I grabbed the nurses hand. The dentist said, "Is it sharp or deep?" Ummmm. WHAT?? Well, it's EXCRUTIATING, but since you still have your hand and twelve instruments in my mouth, "AR AR AR AR AR AR ARARARARARARAR" was about all I could manage. So she gave me about 10 more novocaine shots that she CLAIMED could numb an elephant (was she calling me fat?) and went about her business. She was DRENCHED with sweat and looked down at me and said, "Honey, I swear I'm going to give you some good drugs." I looked at her like, woman...you better, cause I'm gonna toilet paper your office if you don't. (That was the meanest threat I could think of at the time.) After it was all over...I felt like I had earned a spot in Fight Club...SCREW the first rule. My lips were bruised and scraped, my face swelled up like I had gotten wisdom teeth removed, and my jaw felt like someone had used it for target practice for a few hours. I think I'd like a refund on the laughing gas...that was NOT FUNNY. So, we asked the dentist if I should still go on with the surgery seeing as I'd had THREE abscessed teeth. She said SURE!! She said that I had even MORE decayed teeth on the VERGE of abscess, but that they would PROBABLY hold out until after the surgery. OK...I'm going to let you guys take a minute to let that sink in...Here...I'll even separate that sentence out...let you think about what that nurse said at the beginning...and what the dentist just said...and YOU guys...with NO medical experience...put 2 and 2 together...here....

It was put to me like this..."The hip replacement is like a MAGNET for infection. So you need to get any infection completely out of your body so it doesn't travel through your blood stream straight to that hip!"

She said SURE!! She said that I had even MORE decayed teeth on the VERGE of abscess, but that they would PROBABLY hold out until after the surgery.

OK, got it? Now...here I am thinking...hmmm. I have more infection in my mouth. Yes, the dentist gave me a MASSIVE amount of antibiotics. But still...Do I want to bank my life on a PROBABLY? Umm no. So I worry and worry and worry. Then, Sunday I start having MAJOR pain in one of the extraction sites and guess what!!! DRY SOCKET! Yippee! So, I go BACK to the dentist Monday and have them pack it with medicine, and she is looking at my x-rays and she says that she just wants to make sure that it's not another tooth that has abscessed. Huh?? Umm...if another tooth could have abscessed this quickly...then what's stopping it from abscessing during my surgery? That's when I got REALLY scared. Really worried. So mom and I called the surgeon's office yesterday and talked to his nurse. The MINUTE we mentioned teeth, abscess, dry socket...she said, NO WAY and immediately cancelled the surgery. She said if there are other teeth in my mouth that are in ANY way decaying or infected I need to have them ALL taken care of before the surgery. She gave me her direct number to call her back once I get it all taken care of. WHEW!

So...here's where things stand now. #1...surgery is obviously NOT happening for now. Which is a good thing and a bad thing. A bad thing because of course I want to get my hip taken care of and get my wiggle and my booty shake goin' on. A good thing because I'm not going to be at such a high risk for infection, and I was REALLY concerned about that. And I'd much rather be safe than sorry. #2...I'm going to see a NEW dentist next Thursday to get a consult on exactly what it's going to take to get a complete overhaul on my teeth. I hope to not only get them completely healthy but maybe, just MAYBE finally have a pretty smile. #3...I didn't have to tell Dr. Fall-On-My-Knees-And-Worship-Him-Because-He's-So-Great that I couldn't have the surgery because of my teeth. Someone ELSE got to tell him that. So I didn't get to see the excited and overjoyed look on his face. Yeah...right. #3 1/2...a bonus...IF this whole teeth procedure takes a while...maybe, just MAYBE I will get lucky enough to get my surgery rescheduled when Dr. Wants-to-Get-His-Hands-On-My-Hip is no longer on rotation. That means........I may never see his pearly whites again. Or hear his witty banter. Or feel his loving warmth radiate around me. Or have the joy of his uplifting attitude carry me throughout my day EVER EVER AGAIN!!!! Let's all have a moment of silence.

So anyway...that's the drama surrounding the not-so-impending slice and dice. Thanks to those who have written and called and told me that I should hang in there, stay strong, give em hell, kick ass and take names...or even change my middle name to Pain (I'm still looking into that, Shell!) I appreciate them all. I am just trying to roll with the punches and keep my sense of humor while doing it. I wouldn't be able to make it without you guys! My family and my friends...you guys are my glue that holds me together when I just want to literally fall to pieces. So thank you...in all seriousness...from the bottom of my heart.

I love you all very much!

~*MareBear*~ (with a few less teeth)

Dependence Day

Why is it that we believe that another human being can make us happy? Why do we put so much investment into that? Especially when we KNOW that person is going to let us down, we throw our whole hearts into believing that that person is going to "be there." And then, SURPRISE!!! They aren't, and we're devastated. But it's not really THEIR fault...they didn't sign up to be our "happiness givers." But yet, when they utter those words, "I'm here for you," we cling to them like they are our life preserver in the stormy sea of life. We depend on them for our happiness. We measure our day by them. Let me explain. If this person says that they will call you, you wait by the phone...not so patiently...heart skipping a beat every time the phone rings. Your entire day could be filled with WONDERFUL things...it could be a FANTASTIC day. Great weather. Great health. Good food, good friends...everything goes your way...but if that phone doesn't ring with that certain person on the other end....ohhhhhhh no...it's a BAD DAY. You have just let one person ruin a very good day. All because you have let yourself become dependent on that one person for your happiness. But that's just human nature, right? You fall in love with someone, and you feel all those wonderful feelings of joy and happiness. So you attribute those feelings to that person. Therefore...you think that that PERSON is MAKING you happy. So you begin to EXPECT that person to make you happy from that point on. You become dependent on that. You take it for granted. And years down the road when you find yourself in a bad mood because of some outside circumstance...you usually find a way to blame it on the one you love. Because, hey...they are supposed to make it all better, right? Wrong. YOU are in charge of your own emotions. As sucky as that may be. It's EASY to depend on someone else for your happiness. It's HARD to depend on yourself for your own happiness because that means if your having a crappy day...it's your own damn fault!! You have no one to blame but yourself! How bad does that SUCK?!?! But it's the truth. And the truth hurts. It's a lot of pressure for our loved ones to be put under to be the ones who have our happiness in their hands. It's like saying, "CAUTION...one false move and I could chop your head off. Choose your words and actions wisely." However, if we take back control of our own emotions and happiness...if we say...I OWN this...then we can't ALLOW someone else to choose for us. And that's pretty empowering in itself, although easier said than done. If you don't get that phone call...ok...you might be a little bummed, but you've still had a great day. And when you DO get that phone call, it will ADD to your great day instead of making it. It will take the pressure off of the people we love giving them room to WANT to do more things that will ADD to our joy and happiness that we are already bringing ourselves. And it goes both ways...YOU can't make someone else happy...no matter how much you may want to or how hard you try. You can fight for their happiness...struggle for it...pray for it...WILL it to be so...but only THEY can make it happen for themselves. Just like YOU are the only person that can make it happen for you.

So, today...be happy because YOU are happy and not because you think someone made you that way. Sure...someone can always ADD to your happiness and that is a beautiful and wonderful thing. But no one can take away your power of emotions unless you let them. So when you smile today...let it be a smile straight and pure from your very own heart, and send out a prayer or hope or wish that the people you love can have an equally pure smile straight from their own hearts too.

Happily Yours Always

~*MareBear*~

The Baby Shower!!

So last weekend Mom and I went back to the Big Ham and surprised Aimes by showing up for her baby shower!! YAY!! I hadn't seen her since Christmas, so it was a surprise for me too!! She's about to spit out a BABY!!!! She looked absolutely GORGEOUS in her pink shirt and her pregnant belly. And I got to feel Miss Elizabeth Grace kick and move and tumble around in there. Although her mommy is starting to feel not-so-amused!! The baby shower was terrific and I tell you what...Aimes made OUT!!! She got TONS of stuff for her little baby girl! We got rolls of toilet paper and got to count out sheets to guess how many sheets would wrap around Aimes' belly. I guessed the correct number!! YAY!! 12! Here is a picture of the beautiful mommy and I've included a few more pics in the My Pictures link! Enjoy! I love you Aimes!! And I love you TOO Elizabeth Grace! I can't WAIT to meet you!!

Bruce Wayne

Many of you may not know this...but I'm a godmother. Yep...that's right. To a little baby boy. His name happens to be Bruce Wayne. I know, I know. But it could have been worse. His daddy wanted to name him Batman. So his mommy compromised and the result was Bruce Wayne. Brucie is 7 months old and is the CUTEST little boy in the whole world. He is so full of energy. So full of energy in fact that it's almost hard to HOLD him he wiggles so much!! But he's such a joy to be around you just can't help but smile the minute you see him. And just like any parent, his mommy has bought him WAY too many toys when of course he can only play with ONE at a time! ; ) But that's ok. Babies like Brucie are allowed to be spoiled. One thing I'm a little concerned about though, but everyone assures me is TOTALLY normal........even though Bruce is 7 months old....he only weighs 4 pounds!

Bruce Wayne is a pure bred miniature rat terrier. And OH MY GOODNESS what a cutie he is. He prances around in absolute show dog style some of the time...the other times...he tears around like...well, like Batman. And his EARS are his best feature. He's very confident about them. Carries them well. The kitchen is his own "puppy condo" where he stays when mommy and daddy are both at work during the day. He has a crate where all of his toys are kept...and WOWZA is there a pile of them! My cousin Tammy (aka Tamster) and her fabulous hubby Justin are Brucie's mommy and daddy. I think having a puppy has been a lesson for them...Hey guys!! Here's what it'll be like to have a baby...well, take the pee and poop and sleepless nights and add some crying and drool and throw in horrible teenage years and multiply it times...oh, say 4 million!!! ; ) Love you guys!!! Give Brucie a big ole kiss from his godmomma!!

Oh yeah! And to see more pics of Brucie AND his mommy and daddy...go check out the My Pictures link!!

*Peace Out Peeps*

Impending Slice and Dice

Alrighty then...so my surgery is less than 2 weeks away. Yesterday I went to bank my 2nd unit of blood. Let me just give you a rundown of what happens when you donate blood if you've never had the joy of doing it. First, you go in and they lay you down in this really comfy chair...that part is to deceive you into thinking that you're in for a nice comfy ride. Next, they strap on a piece of rubber around your bicep so tight that your arm turns purple and veins you didn't even know you had bulge out so far that they could use them for dart tournaments. THEN...they bring out a baseball bat sized needle, tell you there will be a "small stick" and proceed to jam it in your most bulgingest vein. And yes, bulgingest IS a word now. Once the baseball bat is secured with duct tape, blood travels through a large hose into a garbage bag to collect your blood. I think I might have even seen a vampire on the receiving end getting a little sip or two. I made the mistake of asking the nurse if people actually fainted from giving such a massive amount of blood all at one time. "Oh YEAH!" she exclaimed. "All the time! They puke, too!" Niiiiiiiiice. So glad I asked. I would LOVE some of that cornbread right about now. I'd even catch it one-handed if they asked me to. Anyway, I got through the 2 units...I survived...and no, I didn't faint. Although both times, I did feel a bit woozy and had to have juice and a snack afterwards and felt like poop warmed over that night. So...I encourage ALL of you to go out and donate to your local Red Cross right now...you might just save a life!

Tomorrow I go for my pre-op stuff. EKG, MORE blood work (albeit NOT a garbage bag full), and maybe, JUST MAYBE, I'll see Dr. Fabulous so he can avoid more of my questions! I always look forward to an encounter with him. His warm, bored eyes. His white and straight teeth. His comforting and monotonous voice. His terrific way of reminding me every time I see him that I don't have insurance but that "it won't affect the quality of your care in ANY way." The silly way he acts like he wants to leave the room only 30 seconds after he got there. (I'm sure he's just playing hard to get.) GOSH...I can barely wait to see him! Too bad he's married. Seems like a great catch.

As for my state of mind...I'm as STABLE as ever. : ) And that says A LOT...you know me...steady as a rock. Mmmmm hmmm...And if you believe THAT...Bill Gates is my brother. I'm a little freaked out at the prospect of getting sliced on. ESPECIALLY by Dr. AssMunch. I may end up with a toilet paper roll holding my leg together. But I'm doing my best to keep it together and stay strong and keep my sense of humor. I am having quite a lot more down moments the closer I get to the actual surgery, but I'm trying not to fault myself TOO much for it. I still get out of bed every day. I still make sure I smile a lot. It's just hard sometimes when the reality hits me that yes...I know this surgery is going to help me. I know it is...and I know that all of you are very excited for me, and I appreciate that. But it's hard for me too. Hard to realize that I'm 25 years old, and I'm getting a HIP REPLACEMENT. And even after this is over, and I go through a bitch of a recovery, I have to start all over again with my right leg. It's a little daunting. And no, I'm not trying to be negative though it may seem that way. It may come across that way because it's just a lot for one person to take on. It's a lot for one person, one young woman that hopefully has a long future ahead of her, to realize. I want to live and be happy. Preferrably NOT in pain. I'd like to think that I've taken what God's given me so far and handled it with some semblance of grace. I know that I've learned a lot. And I pray that He gives me the chance to learn more. So I'm going to take this step. Hopefully with less pain and limp. And I am hoping that I'll have my "peeps" right there beside me the whole way. I couldn't have limped this far without you. And my $50,000 wiggle won't be the same if I can't show it off to you once I've got it!

Love to all AS always!

~*MareBear*~

Nermil's Poops

Nermil has the STINKIEST poops I have ever smelled in my life. Literally. My mom, bless her heart, has to rush to pooper scoop the litter box when Nermies poops because it fills the house with such a rank odor that we literally must hit the floor or run for gas masks as Nermil struts around as if he has just eaten the canary. And ANNIE...oh my gosh...if SHE gets a whiff of the heavenly aroma before we do...she goes hightailing it in there and has herself a scrumptious snack and then walks out of the room with litter lining her nose like a line of cocaine smacking her lips like she's just had Godiva chocolate. We have to have 2 litter boxes for Nermil. One in my bedroom and one in the laundry room. Rarely does Nermil poop in the one in my bedroom.

But one horrible night...

I had Annie in my bedroom because Mom was in Biloxi, and I let Annie sleep in my room when Mom's gone since I take care of her. So there I was talking on my cell phone with my door tightly sealed. My ceiling fan blazing (I have this thing about being freezing cold when I go to sleep). Annie is on the floor on her bed (which just so happens to be right next to the litter box) and she's sawing logs. Dad is down the hall in his office typing away on his computer. Nermies is playing around somewhere on the floor where I can't see him. Next thing I know I hear scratchscratchscratchscratch. Annie IMMEDIATELY wakes from her sound slumber and her nose starts working and her ears perk up. I sit straight up on the bed and silently plead, PLEASE Nermies let it just be pee, let it just be pee. Nermies stands there for a minute and stares back at the two of us while we are both waiting...Annie wanting one outcome...Me wanting a totally different one. After what seems like an eternity...........pooooooooooop!!!!!!!! I JUMP off the bed (yes, that IS possible for me in emergency situations such as this!) with the phone in one hand, yelling for Annie to STAY STAY STAY. She is shaking like a leaf at the sight of her precious addiction only inches from her grasp. I grab the door and yell for Dad as I am GAGGING from the smell that is permeating my pores. Nermies has bailed at this point. Left me to my own devices at solving this conundrum. Dad hears me screaming at Annie to stay and yelling at him to BRING A PLASTIC BAG and comes running around the corner to see me in a football tackle stance with my shirt covering my nose, phone in one hand, other hand waving frantically at Annie to STAY!!!!!!! "What's the matter?!?!," he asks. He's all worried...but then it hits him. Yep...hits him REEEEAAAAALLLLL good. Right up the damn NOSE. The contortion on his face said it all. "Nermies...poop....smell...Annie....needed...bag..." was pretty much all I could get out at that point. I had set down the phone and was somehow warding off Annie with my foot and scooping out the foul pile into the bag while tears were pouring down my face. I finally got it out to the trash can...the OUTSIDE trash can. And I think I sprayed an entire can of Oust in my bedroom and bathroom and down the hall. But it was too late...it had already entered my bloodstream. And Annie was HORRIFIED that she didn't get her fix. Once I flopped back down on the bed from pure exhaustion Nermies hopped up there and was like, MEOW!!! HI!! I POOPED!!! And I was like, I know you did!!! Thanks for sharing!!!!

And so, I thought I would share it with YOU! Go back to enjoying your breakfast now!

~*MareBear*~