Panic Attack!!!

So I go to the ortho doc yesterday. Dr. Warmth-and-Charm walks in and I tell him that I don't want to have the CD on March 1st. He says, "Well, ok...let's do the hip replacement then." I was like, Exsqueeze me??? I think not. Many of you are asking at this point, well WHY NOT MARE?!?!? And that's exactly what HE asked, "WHY NOT?!? This is what YOU wanted!!" See this is the original doc that I saw that told me I absolutely could not have a hip replacement because I was too young before he even looked at my x-rays. I tore him a new one and told him, OH YES I WILL have one. Told him that I knew a lot about AVN and knew what I was talking about! (Docs just LOVE that...especially 5th year residents like Doc Charming here.) So when he finally DID get around to looking at my x-rays that first day, he was TICKED to discover that *aghast* the patient was RIGHT!! I DID need a hip replacement! He looked perfectly GREY that day. But YESTERDAY he was getting a kick out of me being vulnerable. But...I was not having it...no way, no how. I am not mentally prepared to have a total hip replacement in a week. I was thinking I was going to have a CD surgery. I was thinking I was going to be in a wheelchair for 2 months, then I'd stand up and be walking around, STILL WITH MY OWN BONES in my body!! What HE was talking about is a whole different set of circumstances. I'd have FAKE parts in my body and not be able to bend over 90 degrees for MONTHS...not be able to put on my own socks...not know my limitations...the UNKNOWN which I have talked about before...and I'm sorry, but I just can't prepare for all of that in a WEEK!!!!!!!!!

But I feel like a coward. I am still going to get the hip replacement. I will. It will now be scheduled for PROBABLY 2-3 months from now at the earliest. I go back to see this Dr. Wonderful in a week because I had to do a metal allergy test. So hopefully he can give me a better idea as to when he has scheduled it then. But I feel like a failure and a coward. Here I was screaming from the rooftops and yelling to ANYONE who could hear me that I NEED AND DESERVE a hip replacement. And now they are handing me one right in my face and I'm telling them to TAKE IT BACK. I'm scared out of my mind. SCARED TO DEATH. I don't want it. I don't want this disease. I want to hand it to someone else now. Someone else can have it. I'm through being strong. I'm through being the advocate. I'm just done. I hate it. I don't want any of it anymore. I'm tired of hurting every day. I'm tired of planning my days around THIS. I'm tired of not living. But at the same time, I'm so scared to go into that unknown place. How long before I can bend down and put on my socks? How long before I can bring my knee up in my chair? Which ways can I move without being scared that my hip will dislocate? Will I ever be able to run with my children that I now know I can have them?? All these damn questions.

So...here I sit tonight...feeling panicky and stressed and guilty and scared and lots of other things. I will have the hip replacement. But I won't be having it March 1st. If there are people out there STILL wondering why...you can bite me. If you love and care about me, but for some crazy reason are still having a hard time understanding why I didn't have the hip replacement March 1st, please just try to bear with me. I will get there eventually.

Love to all as always,

~*MareBear*~

Babies

This is something that I don't talk about...ever...until recently with a few select people, and now I will share with the rest of the universe. Because well...that's just what I do. Blab my business all over the world. Most of it anyway! ; ) For many years I thought that I could not have kids. A doctor told me that when I was 17 years old. You see...when I was 17 I had a really bad miscarraige. I will not put details here. It was traumatic and awful and this horrible doctor got in my face and told me that because it was so bad...forget ever having kids. So in the back of my mind...that stuck with me. Then I get steroids pumped in me which screw up my entire system and get AVN and I find out I have to have BOTH of my hips replaced. WOW...here I'm thinking. OK...Now I won't be able to carry a child because of that either! Now...there are many of you out there that would say, Gee, that's too bad...go adopt. Hmm. Let me tell you a little bit about me that not many people know.

My mother had me when she was barely 20 years old. From the time I was 4 years old it was me and my mom against the world. We were and are best friends. Soul mates. We share a connection that is stronger than any bond I've ever encountered. She knows what I'm thinking even when I'm a thousand miles away from her. I can tell what she is feeling just from a flick of her eyes. She has raised me to believe in myself. She has let me take my own falls, but been right there to pick me back up again. She has shown me what it's like to take joy in being a mother and a friend to your child. Because of her, my ENTIRE LIFE, I have wanted that. To be a mother. To have a child that I could call my own. To have a connection with. To breathe life into and raise up to be a good person. I know...it's every parent's dream to raise a child like that. I have DESPERATELY wanted to be able to do that. To be able to create a child with someone you love and care for and there's this tiny little being that is just the combination of the two of you! It's unbelievable to me!!!

So I go in for tests last week. A bunch of yucky tests. And today, I went back to the docs office for the news I've been wanting to hear since I was 17 years old.

There is NO physical reason why I can't have a child that they can tell. The doc who told me that when I was 17 was probably just trying to scare me and they did a damn good job of it. As for my hip replacements...I CAN carry a baby completely to term no problem. I just might have to have a C-section for delivery.

This was huge news. News I was not expecting to hear. I had completely prepared myself that I couldn't have kids. Even practically told people that I couldn't have them. Because I had believed that for so long. Mom and I went out into the lobby of the medical building and I just cried. I just stopped where I was and cried. And then I couldn't stop smiling. And I'm still smiling now. : ) The best thing about the whole thing was...my wonderful mom was there to hear that news with me. And if there does come a time when I'm blessed enough to have a baby...I hope she's right there with me the whole way!

Love to all as always,

~*MareBear*~

Chicago Skyline and Lake Pics

Here is just a FRACTION of beautiful Lake Michigan right as we were walking up to the aquarium!












Here is part of the Chicago skyline from the front of the aquarium. The really tall building you see with the pointy things on top is the Sears Tower. Next time I'm up there I MIGHT get the courage to go up in THAT building!! (without throwing up of course!)






Another view of Chicago skyline! On the way back from the aquarium we got to see it all lit up at night and it was unbelievably beautiful!








Yet another view...through some trees and lamposts! : )

I took this of the lake and skyline when it first started to snow. Gosh, just looking at this picture makes me shiver!! It was SO cold!! But wow, it was pretty.

Here's a better view of the lake with the skyline in the distance when it first started to snow. Looks so quiet and cold!

Chicago Aquarium Pics

This is the front of the Shedd Aquarium! So beautiful. Unfortunately, you can't tell from this picture that there is a gigantic staircase that we had to climb up to get inside! ; )










Munchkin and I couldn't resist taking this one...It's FREEZING outside and they have an ICE CREAM stand...umm...anyone else see where this is a little ODD??










This would be Mr. Anaconda. You can see his skin hanging from that branch and Mr. Anaconda himself is at the bottom center of the pic. It's kind of hard to see him, but he is there! Huge and fat!

















This fabulous guy was LOVING the camera. He nodded at everyone standing at his cage to "Go ahead and TAKE MY PICTURE!" So that's exactly what I did!









I do believe that these were my favorite critters in the whole place! They were SO cute and I got about a zillion pics of them. They were all over the place, diving off rocks into their little pool of water. Cute and cuddly, boys...Cute and cuddly!

100 Reminders

Alright guys! These are 100 reminders that all of us need to read, retain and remember. Most of them are easier said than done. Maybe we should all staple them to our foreheads! This is a long read for sure, but please take a minute out of your BUSY day to read this. I think you'll find it's worth it! ;)
Love to all of you as always,
Mare

1. Make the best of bad situations 2. Look people in the eye 3. Learn to play a musical instrument 4. Be the first to say 'hello' 5. Be forgiving of yourself & others 6. Treat everyone you meet like you want to be treated 7. Make new friends but cherish the old ones 8. Keep secrets 9. Take lots of snapshots (oh...just WAIT!) 10. Dont postpone joy!!! 11. Never give up on anybody. Miracles happen everyday 12. Surprise loved ones with little unexpected gifts 13. Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, & integrity, they think of you 14. Admit your mistakes 15. Make it a habit to do nice things for people who'll never find out 16. Always have something beautiful in sight, even if it's just a neighborhood flower in a jelly glass 17. Think big thoughts, but relish small pleasures 18. Smile a lot. It costs nothing and is beyond price : ) 19. Learn to listen. Opportunity sometimes knocks very softly 20. When someone is relating an important event that happened to them, don't try to top them with a story of your own. Let them have the stage 21. Never deprive someone of hope. It might be all they have 22. When playing games with children, let them win 23. Skip one meal a week & give what you would have spent to charity 24. Strive for excellence, not perfection (hmmm) 25. Take time to smell the roses 26. Pray not for things, but for wisdom & courage 27. Be tough-minded but tender-hearted 28. Avoid negative people 29. Be original 30. Never give up on what you really want to do. The person with big dreams is more powerful than one with all the facts 31. Be kinder than necessary 32. Never be afraid to do things your own way 33. Be romantic Y34. Let people know what you stand for - and what you won't stand for 35. Become the most positive & enthusiastic person you know 36. Don't forget that a person's greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated 37. Show respect to all living things 38. Loosen up. Relax. Except for rare life & death matters, nothing is as important as it first seems 39. Commit yourself to constant self-improvement 40. Don't waste time grieving over past mistakes. Learn from them & move on 41. Be a good loser 42. Be a good winner 43. Never tell anyone they look tired or depressed 44. When someone hugs you, let them be the first to let go 45. Keep your promises 50. Keep it simple 51. Take good care of those you love 52. Learn to show cheerfulness, even when you dont feel like it 53. Never cut what can be untied 54. Everyday, show your family how much you love them with your words, with your touch, & with your thoughtfulness 55. Beware of the person who has nothing to lose 56. Lie on your back & look at the stars 57. Leave everything a little better than you found it 58. Never underestimate your power to change yourself 59. Never overestimate your power to change others 60. Get in shape & stay that way 61. Dont burn bridges. You'll be surprised how many times you have to cross the same river 62. Keep expectations high 63. Accept pain & disappointment as part of life 64. See problems as opportunities for growth & self-mastery 65. Don't expect life to be fair 66. Hear both sides before judging 67. Refrain from envy, it's the source of much unhappiness 68. Don't delay acting on a good idea. Chances are someone else has just thought of it, too. Success comes to the one who acts first 69. Live your life so that your epitaph could read no regrets 70. Be bold & courageous. When you look back on your life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you did 71. Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them 72. Evaluate yourself by your own standards, not someone else's 73. Be there when people need you 74. Don't let anyone talk you out of pursuing what you know to be a great idea 75. Know when to be silent 76. Know when to speak up 77. Remember that no one makes it alone. Have a grateful heart & be quick to acknowledge those who help you 78. Take charge of your attitude. Don't let someone else choose it for you 79. Pay attention to the details 80. Be loyal 81. Understand that happiness is not based on possessions, power, or prestige, but on the relationships with people you love & respect 82. Don't let your possessions possess you 83. Begin each day with your favorite music 84. Be enthusiastic about the success of others (WTG!) ; ) 85. Don't procrastinate, do what needs doing when it needs to be done 86. Do more than expected 87. Don't allow self-pity. The moment this emotion strikes, do something nice for someone less fortunate than you 88. Make a list of 25 things you want to experience before you die. Carry it in your wallet & refer to it often 89. Every person that you meet knows something you don't. Learn from them 90. Laugh a lot. A good sense of humor cures almost all of life's ills 91. Don't use time or words carelessly, neither can be retrieved 92. Don't miss the magic of the moment by focusing on whats to come 93. Don't be rushed into making an important decision 94. Don't make the same mistake twice (wow...shouldn't we KNOW this by now??) 95. Become someones hero (I know who mine is!) 96. After you've worked hard to get what you want, take the time to enjoy it 97. Take life one step at a time (even if it's a limp) 98. Dont worry about tomorrow, just make it through today 99. Do what you can, with what you have, where you are (My Dad taught me that one LY MI) 100. Live the present! It's irreplaceable!!

Scary Stuff

So the doc called yesterday...or rather, his nurse. I answered the phone and she says, "Hey Mary, he wanted me to tell you that the surgery is set for March 1st, and you'll come in to see him on Feb. 21st and he'll explain everything to you then! See ya later, BYE!"

Ummmm!! WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wanted to scream in the phone!!! STOP STOP STOP! I don't want to DO THIS ANYMORE! Now that there's an actual DATE on this thing, now that this is actually HAPPENING, it's FREAKING ME OUT!!! The surgery itself doesn't bug me that much...I mean sure, who WANTS to be knocked out and sliced and diced? OK, I'm sure there are some of you out there who would sign up for that voluntarily, but this chick ain't one of em! But what I'm really freaking about is that this is the beginning of the whole THING. The surgeries and recoveries and well.....the UNKNOWN. See, right now, I KNOW what my limitations are. I KNOW what I can and can't do. I know exactly when to take a pain pill so that I can get through the day. But once all this stuff starts, I'm clueless. And THAT, my friends, leaves me out of control. And while I know that I just need to leave it God's hands and the docs hands...I DO NOT like being out of control of my own body and limitations.

So...here I am. Sitting here at the computer typing away thinking about a surgery that will take place exactly a month from today. And I'm scared. And I don't readily admit that often. I like to pride myself on being a strong person. Being the one that everyone can turn to in their time of need. Being the one that people can look to and say, "Look how brave she is!" And I'm feeling like a failure.

Lately, I've had to face a lot of things that have made me afraid. Not AFRAID exactly, but have put me completely out of my comfort zone. To be honest, the past month has been nothing but non-comfort-zone-ish for me. I've had to make some huge choices that were sad, exciting and scary that have been completely nervewracking. And I'm NOT used to that at all. I'm used to saying, NO...let someone ELSE make that choice. But someone pointed out to me recently that maybe it's because I'm getting these surgeries done, and because I'm living in a new house and have new friends and all these "new" things going on that maybe this is the start of a NEW ME. So, maybe this is my way of doing some new things. Like making tough choices that affected not only me but other people as well, and just about broke my heart. And doing things for myself that 6 months or a year ago I wouldn't have even DREAMT of doing! And decided FOR MYSELF that I was going to go ahead with a surgery that isn't guaranteed to work, but might give me a chance to prolong another surgery.

So...I'm just making choices. Tough ones, each in their own way. And I'm scared. Hard for me to say it, but here I am in front of all of you saying it. And that in itself is scary too. But hell, I'm on a roll.

Love to all always,

Mare

Irises

So the other day, my mom and I come home from yet another shopping trip to Kohl's (send me stuff) and we pull up to our GORGEOUS house, and there is a BOX sitting outside the front door! And guess what!!! It was FLOWERS from PETE!!!! Sweet Pete sent me flowers to wish me luck on the medical "stuff" (nice choice of words there, Petie! LMAO) and to make my house pretty! : ) Which they ABSOLUTELY did! They are the most gorgeous irises...which you can see from the pics! The coolest part is the company they came from...it's a really cool company...I'm sure they won't mind me advertising for them on here...it's ProFlowers. I will type just what the IRISES came like and what it says on the little package:

Picked when the bloom is just cracking open and shipped overnight from the farms in Central California, the ProFlowers' Iris arrive in magical ready-to-bloom stage. Watch them gracefully unfold to reveal their inner beauty.

Everyone sigh collectively. OK...so I've talked enough about them...ENJOY THE PICS!!! Oh, and Petie.....KISSES!!! Thank you SOOO much! That was very sweet of you!

Hmmm...Quitting Smoking

OK...so well...hmmm...So I haven't actually quit smoking...exactly. But I've cut back...A LOT! Really, I have. And now that I'm going to Chicago, and I'm super psyched about it...there's no way in hell that I can quit completely now...so people...just bear with me, OKAY?!?!? Love you, MEAN IT! hee hee!!!!

Chicago!!!!!!

Ladies and Gents...in exactly 2 weeks from RIGHT NOW, I will be in CHICAGO!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!! I will have met my Pogo friends who are also three of my very BEST friends, Denise, Billy and Tree!!!!!!! Denise is getting married on Feb 10th which is the whole reason for the gathering. I have been DEVASTATED about the fact that I wasn't able to go up there, but lo and behold, today...Denise waved her magic wand and within about 30 minutes, I had a flight and a hotel room for the weekend!! I am beside myself excited about it. I've been NEEDING something to be excited about. I haven't been excited about something like this in a VERY long time. Not to mention, I've never just hopped on a plane all by myself to somewhere I've never been to meet people I've never met before in person. But the weird thing about it is...for those of you who have known me my entire life...you would think I'd be scared out of my MIND to do this. Step out of my comfort zone and "take a risk." But the thing is...I am SO FAR from scared!!! I am excited and PUMPED about it! I feel like I'm finally DOING something for myself! And I have Denise to thank for that! She would say that I DO NOT need to thank her, but I would just turn around and tell her to SHUT IT! THANK YOU GIRLIE!!! You do not know what this means to me. Especially right before I'm about to face an icky surgery and some tough recovery. BUT now that I'll have met you guys...you can come see ME since I won't be able to see YOU! And you can push me around the casino here in my wheelchair!!! ; ) Tell everyone to get the HELL out of our way! : ) I love you guys, and can't WAIT to get my limping self up there to spend some REAL OFFLINE time with you!!!

~*MareBear*~

Quit Day!!

Well, here it is 8:41 PM on Tuesday, January 24, 2006. It's been exactly 21 hours since I've had a cigarette. But I'm not counting. I'm actually doing really well. I'm not using the patch, or nicotine gum. Nor have I eaten everything in the fridge or killed anyone or any animal that lives in the household. So, I thought I'd get on here and share with everyone that I am quitting. Figured making it publicly known would give me more support to quit! So that means all you guys have to comment and give me a nice little pat on the back or a "YAY!" or something! And yes, this has to be THE WORST time for someone to quit smoking, but hey...I figure...if I can manage to quit smoking successfully during all THIS crap, then I can live without ciggies! But the MAIN reason for me quitting is because of the upcoming surgery. The whole purpose of the surgery is to get blood flowing again...and nicotine restricts blood vessels. SO...the success of the surgery could depend on my quitting this crap right NOW. So there ya have it. I don't WANT to quit, but I have to. So...that's enough reason for me to do it without too much complaint or drama about it. Just set em down and be done with em after 10 years. GIT R DONE!!!!!!!!!! Anyway, that's all I got to say about that! : )

Love to all!

~*Mare Bear*~

Nermies Has Arrived!!!

Well, my baby boy has finally arrived here in J!! And I am so happy that he is here with me. He seems to be adapting very well and Annie and Whitney love him so far...TIGGER on the otherhand....not so much. But Nermil is determined to be friends. Anyway, I have some pics that I wanted to share with all of you! Enjoy!! Love to all as usual!

This is Nermil on my bed and he is shocked and surprised by the flash of the camera so he is squinting in this picture. Afterwards, he scolded me for not warning him of what I was doing first!







This is his shy pose...I warned him I was going to take the picture and he didn't know exactly what to do so he kind of froze a little bit.






This time he was ready for the picture and said, "OK, Mommy, you can take one now...I've got the perfect pose and I'll look off to the side so the flash won't hurt my eyes."






This is when I told him that the last pose made him look absolutely GORGEOUS!! He is saying, "OH! Stop it Mommy!"







Here he said, "Wait a darn minute, I AM gorgeous, take another picture and I'll cross my dainty little paws for you. I am totally fabulous!"






Here, I told him the joke about the two dogs that walk into the bar....you know the one...gets him every time!





He finally got control of himself and he says, "OK, Mommy, let's get back to business...tell me again how beatiful I am." And I said, "You look VERY beautiful on my VERY beautiful bed!"






This is Nermil COMPLETELY disgusted that I would DARE compare him and my BED and call them both beautiful. I immediately apologized and begged for his feline forgiveness.








But to no avail...he was DUNZO! "Photo shoot OVER, MOTHER!" And off he went!






Well, at least I got SOME shots for you guys! I hope you enjoyed them! ; )

The Dreaded Surgeon's Appointment

Well, today was the day of the surgeon's appointment...to find out how exactly how bad the right hip is, and to find out exactly what the heck these docs are planning to do to help me. Well...that's what I found out. There may be some medical mumbo jumbo in here, but I will do my BEST to explain! I promise...if you can make it through the next paragraph, it'll all be worth it! : )

My right hip is in the late stage 2, early stage 3 AVN. Which means that it does have significant AVN in the ball of the hip, BUT the ball of the hip is still ROUND. By comparison, my LEFT hip is totally collapsed LATE stage 4...if you looked at an x-ray of it, you would see that the ball of my left hip is NOT rounded...it is bumpy and not smooth. OK...SO...going from that...there is a procedure called a core decompression (CD) that the docs can do IF you "catch" the AVN in the early stages. A CD is where they drill a hole in the hip to stimulate more blood flow. (This is a VERY elementary explanation, so PLEASE, AVN experts, do not get on to me!) The purpose of a CD is to PROLONG the hip replacement (THR) not PREVENT it. I WILL have to have a THR on the right hip eventually, but they are hoping to prolong it as long as they can. CDs in the stages that MY hip is in and later have NOT been known to be the most successful. Meaning...after a few months, the pain returns and I must have a THR anyway. If the CD IS successful, it will give me at the most a few years, hopefully pain free, that I can avoid a THR in that right hip. NOW...for what they told me today.

They want to do a CD on my right hip in the next 6-8 weeks. They think it will be a 50-50 chance that it will be successful. The surgery itself is relatively short and sweet. I would spend a day, MAYBE spend overnight, in the hospital. However, the recovery time for this surgery is daunting. I would have to be COMPLETELY non-weight bearing on my right leg for TWO MONTHS. Well. That poses a problem. My left hip is completely collapsed. I can't possibly hold all of my weight on my left leg seeing as I have my left hip collapsed AND I have AVN in my entire left femur from my hip to my knee. SO...after I have the CD, I will be in a wheelchair for at least 2 months.

After I have completely gotten over the CD surgery, the docs are going to give me what I've been waiting for for well over a year. A ceramic on ceramic total hip replacement on my left hip. IF everything goes perfectly, it should last 25 years before I have to have another one put in. I may have to have revisions but I won't have to have another replacement for 25 years. That's 10 years longer than the metal on metal replacements. And who knows? In 25 years...they may come out with a bionic leg! ; ) We didn't have much discussion on the replacement except for the risks of surgery which are pretty much normal except for one thing. With a hip replacement, you lose a LOT of blood apparantly. Come to think of it, this may NOT be an exception, but he SAID it was an exception and told me that I needed to give blood before the surgery because there are occassions when people need blood transfusions....that was a little scary. But I digress.

My femur. Sadly, there isn't anything at all that they can do for my femur. Doc said that once my hip is replaced, he hopes that the majority of the pain will subside, but unfortunately, I will have pain in that leg for the rest of my life.

Here's where I get overwhelmed. The for the rest of my life part. The other day, I got a bit of a reality check. I realized that I had a "picket fence" outlook on this whole thing. I hadn't let it "hit" me that my right leg was now involved. I hadn't accepted that I'd be dealing with this disease for the REST OF MY LIFE. The words "chronic" always went in one ear and out the other. My very best friend, who also has AVN told me these words which struck me right to the core........."After your hip replacement, you won't be able to put on your own socks for 6 months." And she's right! But I haven't thought that far ahead. I was thinking, after my hip replacement, everything will go back to the way things were. End of story. Nope....this is JUST the beginning. A new chapter. A new freaking NOVEL. (Maybe this is where I should start, huh, Daddy?)

Anyway, that's what happened today. I haven't cried. I haven't thrown myself on the bed in self pity. I haven't raised my hands in the air and screamed "WHY ME?!?!" at the top of my lungs. Maybe that is yet to come. I don't know. That's the key. I don't know what's yet to come. And that scares the hell out of me. But one thing I DO know. I've made some great friends that I wouldn't have made if I hadn't gotten this disease. Some more recently than others. You have been there for me, listened to me, bitched with me, stood up for me, and loved me. You know who you are. ; ) I have a long road ahead of me and I hope and pray with everything left in me that you'll still be with me at the end of that road. To steal a line from one of my new great friends........"I hope you will be my reward!"

Yours, with love to all always!

~*Mare Bear*~

The Boot

So sneaky Steve came over with his fancy camera which I'm insanely jealous of...and somehow there was some sneaking around and tonight in my email inbox I get this picture! Seems Steve and a cohort snuck into my bedroom when I wasn't looking and "posed" my new boot on my bed and took a picture of it! HA! But it looks totally awesome, man. Not only am I posting this on here because #1 I want to show off my bed yet again...#2 I want to show off my new boots, but #3 I WANT YOUR CAMERA STEVE!!! I LOVE YOU!!! You know how you always have to have seconds on the hugs and kisses?? Well I'll give you HUNDREDS if you give me the camera!! I know, I know...keep dreaming! : ) Anyway, this post is dedicated to you!

Pics of the New House!!!!

Here are some pics of the new house!! YAY! Keep in mind, we just moved in a week ago, and haven't even come CLOSE to finishing everything, but I couldn't WAIT to post some of these shots, so here ya go!! :)




Here's the new kitchen with stainless appliances and flat top glass stove with slate countertops!! WOO WOO! It's the best part of the house according to Mom!









Here's another view of the fabulous kitchen where you can see the matching fridge that dispenses crushed OR cubed ice! (We're living rich now!) When you stand at the sink you can look out the back windows into the backyard and you can also see the big TV in the family room...niiiiiceeee! : )








This is our dining/breakfast area right off the kitchen. Mom made the flower arrangement herself! ;)
















HERE is the focus of the family room...the 42" LCD HDTV!!! Oh yeah, and the gas fireplace. And Mom's pretty plants and candles. : )



























These 3 pics above are pics of our FLOOR!!! It's totally awesome. It's scored and stained concrete. For those who have never heard of that being done before, and trust me, before moving here, I had never heard of it either...it's the coolest thing ever. D, the floor guy, who should be called a floor ARTIST, takes a concrete floor and makes cool designs on them with a saw, then stains them certain colors and seals them and they come out to be gorgeous. These pics actually don't do these floors justice. You'll just have to all come down and see them for yourselves!! : )

Here is my bathroom which isn't a very good representation of it, but you get the drift.....purple. And you can't really see it, but that's a picture of Mom and Dad on their wedding day in the window!! HA! So I can see them everytime I'm on the toilet!

NOW!!! For the BEST part of the ENTIRE house!!!

Here is my BEAUTIFUL bedspread!!!! And yes, so far, I make my bed every single morning as soon as I wake up because it's so gorgeous! And everyone that has come in the house has oohed and aahed appropriately just as I expect the same out of all of you since it took me forever to find exactly the perfect one I was looking for and I finally found it and I am madly in love with it! : )

I am decorating my room in Paris decor...so, needless to say, it's going to be tres magnific! I don't even think I spelled that right...anyway...So here are just a few pics of the things I have in my room that have Paris things on them...there are more things in there, but I won't put you through the suffering of having to look at all of it. Once I get my room totally done, I will take pics of the ENTIRE room so you can see the finished product!!

Anyway, kids...that's about it for now...there's lots more to see, but gosh it took me half the day just to get these on here. SO...I will try my best to keep you guys posted...pun totally intended...on what's going on around here. Love and hugs and kisses and all that other stuff to everyone!!!

~*MareBear*~

Coming Home

Well well...It's been a while since I've posted and it's not because I haven't wanted to or because I've been lazy, though that's been my excuse before. But this time I actually haven't been ABLE to. I was in the Big Ham over the Christmas holidays visiting with friends and family and taking care of some things. I won't be going back there for a while. Well, that may be a little hasty. Let's catch everyone up first.

After I returned to J, I didn't drive home like I normally do...I got to drive across the BEAUTIFUL reservoir (picture below) and turn right and go a little bit further and turn left and lo and behold I was FINALLY, after ALL THIS TIME turning into the driveway of our NEW HOUSE!!!!! And THIS TIME I wasn't just pulling into the beat up driveway filled with trash just to check on the progress of the house. I was coming HOME. I hadn't even seen the finished result yet. The house is absolultely GORGEOUS! And actually, it wasn't even totally finished yet, and as I'm writing STILL isn't, although it is just minor things. That's the fun thing about your dad working for the builder...they think they can take their sweet ass time building your house for you. But the main thing is that we are IN the house and we love it and it's beautiful. And you're all invited to come stay! HA! One at a time, please. So, getting back to why I haven't been online...we didn't have internet service for several days when we first got in the new house. And once we did it took a while for us to get everything organized enough to get it all hooked up.

As for me not going back to B anytime soon. As I've already written, I now have AVN in my right hip and yesterday was my MRI. I go and see the surgeon on the 17th. They will let me know just how bad the right hip is and also how we are going to proceed with the left hip. To be honest, I'm scared out of my MIND. If he says, HEY...Let's do this thing TOMORROW! I think I'll just puke on his shoes. Intellectually I am totally prepared for all of this. I've done all the research, I know what to expect...yada yada. But emotionally and physically, I am a wreck. I've never had major surgery before. Hell, I've only stayed overnight in the hospital ONCE. Granted, it was for a week, but there was NO cutting involved and I got all the ice cream I wanted. Anyway, IF they decide to do something about this soon...and that's a BIG if...I won't be going back to B for a long time. And even if they DON'T decide to do something about this soon, I've decided not to go back as much. Driving back and forth there is starting to take a major toll on me. Physically and emotionally. Now that my right hip is involved it HURTS to sit in that car for 3 1/2 hours and drive. So...I've made a decision to start taking care of ME first and to not feel guilty about it. Because right now, I have to come first.

So...that's what's going on with me so far. I am going to TRY to get some of these pictures that I took of the house posted on here sometime this weekend or early next week. Posting will be sporadic probably what with all the unpacking and everything! And even though this is a little late, I hope everyone had a GLORIOUS holiday season! : )

Love to all always!!

MareBear

Medical Update

Just an update on my medical issues. The ortho doc called today with fantastic news and not-so-fantastic news. He took my case to the orthopedic surgeon and they think I'm a good candidate for the ceramic on ceramic total hip replacement!!! For those of you who don't know, ceramic hip replacements are relatively new, are believed to last up to 25 years in some cases, and are MUCH more durable than metal. SO! That means that in the VERY near future I will have a $50,000 wiggle!!! YAY! Now for the not-so-fantastic news which pushes the THR out of the spotlight for a little while in the doc's eyes. MY RIGHT HIP NOW HAS AVN!!!!!!! When the docs viewed my pelvic x-rays the right hip had significant AVN when just 6 months ago, IT DID NOT. Once it shows up on plain x-ray, AVN is pretty far advanced, but the doc still wants to get an MRI done on it to see how far along it actually is. There is a surgery that they can do called a core decompression IF it's caught early enough to try to give me more time until I need a THR on that hip as well. Core decompressions (CDs) are NOT always successful...in fact, MOST are not. And it of course is another surgery I will have to go through. My right hip is the docs' #1 priority at this point because if there is a way they can stave off a THR on that one, they will do it. So the THR on the left hip is going to be the last thing on their minds at this point! HA! Round and round we go! My fantasy of this being all over with after one surgery to my femur and one THR to my left hip and a couple of months recovery is blown to smithereens...and the doc pretty much set me straight on that the last time I was in the office. Even if the only surgery I had WAS the THR on my left hip, recovery could take up to a year. THR's on a person with AVN and THR's on a person with arthritis are totally different. I have a long way to go with this disease. And now it's in my right hip and there is a very good possibility that it could eventually be in my knees or shoulders or ankles down the road. But the good thing is that I have HELP NOW!! YAY! That's what is keeping me from tearing my hair out or telling them just to amputate already! : ) I'm so thankful that I have my family and friends around me for support. AND that I have plenty of pain meds to get me through the day! : ) Otherwise, I wouldn't be sitting here typing this out! It's going to be tough, and I will have days where I will scream and cry and say it's not fair and want to go jump off a cliff. But those days are luckily few and far between. I just gotta keep on going one day at a time! Love to all!

MareBear

Passion

What is it exactly that makes us fall in love, in passion, in infatuation...with a hobby, person, song, sight, smell? And I'm not talking about when we fall in love with our spouses or lovers or whatever you may have, although that fits into this as well...but I am talking about other people and things. When we meet a new friend or group of friends for instance. And you find that you talk like teenagers all night long and you just met. It's like falling in love. You get the excited feeling of wanting to talk to that person or those people every second of every day because you want to find out what else you can share with them. Or when you find out that you have the talent of playing the guitar by ear. You play every spare second you get until your fingers are raw and hurting but you keep playing. Eventually, those fingers are callused and you're writing your own songs. What happens when a certain song comes on the radio that you've never heard before and the words or the sound of the artist strikes a chord in you and your heart just wants to scream because it reminds you of a time in your life or someone who also made your heart want to scream or melt or burst? You go out and buy the CD and play the song over and over and over again until the emotion starts to fade. After a while, you stop playing it. But one day, months down the road, you'll turn on the radio and that song will come on, and you'll FEEL that song in the pit of your stomach just one more time. What IS that? And smell...what makes us remember the scent of someone that was so familiar to you over 10 years ago? A cologne of a man walking through a grocery store now could bring us to our knees. So we drink it in and try to hold it in our senses as long as we can and brreeeaaathhheee and just....remember. And there's sight. The other day I went out to an empty lot out in the country where they will be building a house eventually and it was dead silent. It was late afternoon and the sky was such a brilliant blue that there shouldn't even be a name for the color. The sky was so clear that you could see the moon. I stood in the middle of the clearing and turned in a full circle and looked at the tall trees towering around me. The sun was in the earliest stages of setting so the limbs of the trees took on a brilliant red color. And every part of my being wanted to stay there for the night...just so I could lay on a blanket in that clearing and look at the millions of stars that I knew would show up that night. My body SCREAMED to just snuggle up and take it all in.

My point to this is that why do we stop? What makes the passion fade? I'm sure...no, I KNOW that there are hundreds of books written on the subject. But I'm here to say, that I don't want mine to stop anymore. I don't want to stop getting the lurch in my stomach when my phone rings or my computer says one of my friends is online. I want to pick the guitar back up and never stop singing. I want to hear that song every day and not say, "OK, I'm getting tired of it now" when it used to make my heart skip a beat. I want to be able to recognize that cologne 20 years from now and still remember. I want to spend the night under the stars snuggled up and who gives a damn what I was supposed to be doing. I want to live for right now. I don't want to get used to it or bored with it...I want to live it, love it, and be passionately IN it right this very moment!

Since I didn't stay out in that beautiful place that day, I thought I'd share the pictures I took with you guys! And in case you didn't know this already, on most of the pictures on this blog, you can click on them and view them bigger on a separate page! Love to all!

Progress On New House

Here's the progress on the new house!

Here's ME outside the front of the house leaning on a sawhorse hoping I don't get splinters in my butt!! : ) What you don't see to my left is the HUGE dumpster that the workers are "supposed" to throw all their trash in. Unfortunately, most of it ends up all over our house and yard. Of course, until the house closes, it's technically not our house yet! ; )













Here is the front of the house. You can see how close the houses are together, but the backyards are far apart. Kind of like triangle lots. You can see the dumpster in this pic.










This is our cute kitchen...they just got done with the first coat of white paint on the cabinets. We will have stainless steel appliances. SWEET! Also, the countertops will be textured slate looking which will all look awesome!










This is just one angle of our backyard and as you can see it's a mess, and you can't really tell in this picture where our yard ends, but it's a pretty big yard, so the dogs are going to have a field day running around and playing! And Mom is going to LOVE pulling weeds all day. I just hope we'll be able to make her come inside when it gets dark every night!









Well, that's the house so far! We hope it will be done in the next 2 or 3 weeks!! YAY! We are all very excited about it. We HATE the apartment. ICK. And the dogs will have so much fun in the yard! Anyway, just wanted to give everyone the update!! Love to all always!

MareBear

Hair Fiasco

A while back...Mom and I had a girl's weekend when Dad went down to the coast. And me being the crazy hair dying woman that I am, I convinced mom to dye her hair red since I was going to do mine red. Well...Mom's hair was blonde at the time...as was mine. We got different shades of red and this is what the result was...

This is my orange hair which I could have gotten away with since it was Halloween coming up! Sexy, I think.






And THIS, would be Mom's hair....Purple or magenta...we couldn't quite decide. Needless to say, Halloween or no Halloween, I was the one who had talked her into dying her hair, and I was the one who was ordered out of the house to get cover up dye!






So, we got our hair fixed and we did it on our own without professional help! My once blonde mom now has UBER sexy dark hair! Everyone that sees her takes a minute to adjust and then LOVES it. And I have mahogany red hair that I love and hope to keep for a while. So, in the end it all worked out. But it was a TRUE Kodak moment watching Mom walk out of the bathroom with this haircolor...so I thought I'd share with everyone! Love to all!!

MareBear

Random Pictures

Here's me and Mom when I went to see her in NC. This was taken in one of those cute litte photo booths in the mall! Aren't we the cutest!

This is me and Dad again in NC. I'm totally diggin my red hair! That's why my hair is red, yet again! ; ) I love my daddy!

This is my fav pic of me and my parents. It was at my cousin's wedding a few years ago and I was a bridesmaid. I think we all look fabulous! : )

This is my Mom's dog Annie...or as I call her Fannie. She has cancer just like mom. : ( But she's doing well just like Mom too! : ) She's the cutest dog in the world but wow can she be a hell raiser!

This is Mom's dog Whitney. And guess what?! She has breast cancer TOO! But she's doing just fine as well. I took this picture while Mom was giving her a bath and it came out just like this. Pretty freaky I must say, but she really is the sweetest dog on the planet despite the devil's face! : )

This would be my dog, Sammy. He lives in B'ham with G. I'm not exactly sure what he was trying to do at the moment I took this picture but it makes me crack up every time I look at it so I thought I'd pass it on to all of you! He's a good pup!

Well, I just wanted to share a few pics with you guys. I don't incorporate them too much into my blog entries, so I figured I'd just make a whole entry of just pics! Peace out!

MareBear