Tigger (January 25, 1985 - March 9, 2006)

Tonight we put our sweet kitty, Tigger, to sleep. In a way, it was an extremely hard decision, in another way, it was an easy one.

She was 21 years old. She has been a part of our family since I can remember. Since I was 5 years old. The last year of her life she was completely deaf. But that didn't slow her down! If she wanted attention, she would walk right up behind you on the back of the couch and head-butt you. She couldn't hear herself meow...so I believe she held the world record for highest decibel kitty cat scream!

When I was little, she used to sleep right next to my head at night...right by my pillow. And I would whisper to her until I fell asleep. I would tell her my secrets. My hopes and my dreams. My little girl wishes. And as I got older, I would tell her all my heart's desires. Problems with my boyfriends. Rant to her about fights I had with friends or my mom. Cry to her when my heart was broken. And every chance I got, I buried my face in her soft fur and inhaled deeply. She always had this unique scent that smelled just like home. She moved with us from Alabama to Texas, from Texas to Alabama, with my parents from Alabama to North Carolina, and then from North Carolina finally to Mississippi. And her scent never changed. She always smelled like home. Like Tigger. When I was younger I used to tell my mom, "I'm going to take Tigger with me when I go to college!" Well, things didn't exactly happen that way. But, luckily, I got the chance to spend the last year living with her again. To my mom and me, she was more than just a cat. She was a love. A family member. A child, a sister. A secret keeper. A snuggler.

Tonight we decided that we needed to say goodbye. We wanted to remember her while she was still just a little bit lively. She was starting to fade and we didn't want to watch her waste away. We can be happy knowing that she is bouncing around as high as she did when she was a kitten. (Which is how she got her name.) Playing with an endless supply of shoelaces and strings. Catnip and kitty treats in abundance. And we know one day we will meet her again at Rainbow Bridge.

We love you baby Tigger. You gave us so much joy. I can only hope and pray that we returned your love and purrs with half as much enthusiasm as you gave to us.

Yours forever and always.

To Be With You

When I was about 11, my best friend MA and I went to camp to Panama City Beach, FL for a week during the summer. For those of you who ever went on a week-long camp retreat...gosh...they were SO much fun...especially the beach trips. Days just playing in the sand. Hanging out by the pool. Singing by the bonfire at night on the beach. Cute boys playing the guitars. You always came back with sand in your clothes and bags and sun on your skin and stories to tell. Not a care in the world. The reason I bring this up now is because last night I had a blast from the past. A little reminder of this particular camping adventure. You see. One night after the girls in our little cabin had "supposedly" gone to bed, the guys from the cabin up the beach came over. MA and I just happened to have a MASSIVE crush on the counselor of that particular cabin. And of course he knew it. What 11 year old girl can HIDE a crush? All those giggles and blushes and crazy things? And he was 17 and totally loved every minute of it. So...he and his "crew" decided to surprise us girls and brought over the guitars which they knew would make us SWOON with delight and played the song that made EVERY girl just GAH GAH at the time. Oh, and when they started playing this song...I think each and everyone of us just about melted to the ground in our feetie pajamas. And yes, when you hear it...you will fall over laughing and tell me that I am a total youngin'...just humor me will ya? This is my memory...get over it.

Music Video Codes By Musicjesus.com

The Touch

What is it about a single touch that is so intense...so profoundly important and special...that it gets etched in your memory forever? I'm not speaking of a sexual touch...although those can be etched in your memory too...if they are done right. ; ) I'm talking about a seemingly normal touch. A touch that if someone told you about it...you probably wouldn't think twice. You'd forget about it...go on with your day...have your Starbucks and go to your 9-5 corporate office boring ass job paying you a salary that will pay the rent of your loft apartment and feed your well-adjusted feline companion and never think about that touch that someone told you about. Well, let me make you think about it again. Because if you never experience this touch, I feel for you. So take a moment out of your day to hope for a touch like this. To hope that one day you'll feel this touch from someone that will set your soul on fire and make you never want to stop feeling the imprint of fingertips on skin.

In a crowded room with noise and people and things going on all around you, your mind is focused on some task or some object or something other than yourself. There are so many distractions going on all around you. The usual hustle and bustle that goes on every day. There are people in front of you, people to the left of you, people to the right of you...people ALL around you. Noise and somewhat organized chaos everywhere. You're with people you know, but you're still a little agitated at the crowd. Hot and thirsty, wondering what time it is...wondering where the restroom is...wondering when it's time to eat...and why isn't your cell phone working?? Mind racing. And then a hand. A familiar hand on the small of your back. Fingertips on skin. Just resting there for a moment. And the noise for that moment stops. The chaos stops. And there's only fingertips and skin and the two of you for just one moment in time. And that moment is etched. Forever. And when his fingertips leave your skin after just that one moment...you can still feel them there everytime you think of that moment.

I hope for each and every one of you that you have a touch like this in your lifetime. Or a moment like this...and more importantly than that. A love to go with it.

Love to all as always,

~*MareBear*~

Randomness Part 2

I finally got ahold of some of them there Vaults...happy me.

Clean sheets have to be the easiest and best indulgence that a person could ask for. Yesterday, I washed my sheets with Downy Simple Pleasures fabric softener...mmm...when I went to bed...it was like laying down on a bed of pure exquisite Jasmine and Vanilla yumminess. Send me stuff.

Nermil either went to a kitty cat shrink, got sick of asking ME for help, or busted a feline vocal cord...cause he's quieted down now..."SIMMA DOWN NOW!" Anyone? Anyone?? C'mon now!!

My cell phone is completely fubar...the screen is completely blank but the phone itself works just fine, I just can't SEE anything. No caller ID, no address book...no nothing...I can only tell when a select few people, my mom or my dad call me cause they are the only ones with special ring tones...sorry everyone else. You know, there was a time when we all just punched in the number and didn't scroll down a list and hit SEND when you found a name...and there was a time when you just said HELLO? when the phone went "ring" not when the phone played some cutesy little ringtone...but NOOOOOOOOoooooooooooo...NOW my phone's default ringtone for everyone except for a select few is Sweet Home Alabama...so it COULD be Dr. FeelGood or it COULD BE a famous movie star such as Patrick Dempsey calling to say that he wants me to star on Grey's Anatomy as his secret sex goddess. And I sure as HELL can't miss that phone call, now can I??? Ah...sigh...do you see where this poses such a horrible and complicated problem for me??

The lampshade still needs dusting, but I'm thinking of making it somewhat of a artsy post-it note.

Someone please remind me to call the dang Pearl River Resort and ask them if they have fridges in the room...thank you.

My webcam worked fabulously for 3 whole days...and now it is fubar as well. I think it has an emotional attachment to my cell.

I have this wicked obsession with Maroon 5. And I've gotten my mother stuck on it too. We jam and rock our brains out on a daily basis. Yes, yes we do. One of these days I will be playing them on my geetar and I will rule the whole world. Yes, yes I will.

My mom is a self proclaimed pyromaniac and she builds fires in her firepit at least a couple of times a week on the back patio. It reminds me of my favorite part of camp...BONFIRES. But I wish that we would all 3 get our guitars and sit out there and play around our mini bonfire. But then our neighbors might call the cops and say that there are some hippies pretending that it's Woodstock in the damn suburbs of Jackson, MS. Screw em. We've got the mud. The cops can bring the hash and join in.

Whoever made the lint roller...really...I mean, congrats and whatnot...but I hope you didn't make TOO much money off that thing, because MILLIONS of moms around the planet have been wrapping their hands with scotch tape for years and patting their hands on their kid's pants for years ok? Give us a break.

Did you know that if you try to push all the keys on your keyboard at one time your computer makes this really cool beep noise?

Nermil is freaking meowing again.

Randomness

I am sunburnt from tanning 7 minutes in the tanning bed.

I am so tired that I can barely see the computer screen, yet here I sit blogging.

I want to go to Paris, yet can't really come up with good reasons why. I've just wanted to go my whole life.

I want a Vault right now, but I don't have any.

I wish my blog was as good as Dooce's but I don't have the talent, vocabulary, degree, Nikon D70, or Chuck.

I sometimes wish that I could have been like my childhood friend MA. I've mentioned her before. She always knew she what she wanted to be when she grew up...and now that's what she is. I wanted to be a doctor...now I spend my days yelling at them.

I want to love and be loved so passionately that it fills my heart to the point where it just about feels like it's going to burst....but not quite.

I want to walk in the rain....barefoot....in grass...and breathe it all in....and then lay down and roll around naked.

I don't want to hurt anymore.

I want to cry so hard that my eyes swell up and beat my fists on my pillow and get all the rage out and then I want to laugh until my tummy hurts.

My lampshade really needs to be dusted.

I want Nermil to stop meowing at me like I'm the savior of all kitty cats. Like I have the answer to all of his feline problems.

I want to be Mary Poppins and fly around with an umbrella and slide down banisters and still, amazingly, not frighten but ASTOUND small children.

I miss you...bad.

I wish we could be like the guys on Star Trek..."Beam me up, Scotty."

Caught up in the moment...got wild as hell....FroBacca...How bout like RIGHT NOW??...Princess Lardo...Bug Dog...YSVW...Fo Shizzle...Babygirl...Whatchoo talkin bout Willis??...password!!!...merde pepite...Biggest Loser...YAY...I lost ya again! You'll never lose me!...LY MI...Peace out...In Da Hood!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alrighty then...I think that's enough random thoughts by MareBear. Tune in next time. Over and out.

No Longer A Cyborg

So what I failed to mention in the last post is that when I was in the doc's office I asked them to do a metal allergy test to see if I would have an allergic reaction to the metal that would be on my hip replacement. I was unaware that there would be ANY metal on it since it's a ceramic hip, but there will be metal pieces to it. Anywho...I am super sensitive to certain metals...can't wear certain earrings and had to take out my belly button ring because it was all the time getting infected. SO...the doc had me tape 2 metal disks about the size of quarters to the inside of my arm for a week. That was rather annoying. I felt somewhat like a cyborg. And showering proved to be interesting to say the least. Thank goodness THIS weekend wasn't the weekend I had to go to Chicago...can you see me trying to explain THAT to the airport security check people? Umm yes...I know I have 2 metal disks taped to my arm...you see...here's the thing..... HA! Anyway, I went BACK to the doc today...because I just LOVE seeing his beautiful smiling face and feeling him radiate warmth and inspiration wherever he goes. No really...that's why I went back. SO...I take off the tape, and he says, NEGATIVE on the allergic stuff. SO YAY! I can go on with the hip replacement unless I'm a freak who's allergic to ceramic! ; ) He asked me if I still wanted to go through with it, or if I needed more time to think about it...since last time I was sitting in front of him all the blood rushed out of my body when he mentioned the surgery and I wanted to punch his pearly white teeth out of his head. But I said, YES...I do want to have it, BUT!!!! It must be AFTER the first week of April, because I am BOOKED until then! ; ) I might possibly be going to Biloxi this weekend. Then Aunt K and Uncle J are coming the weekend of the 10th...then sometime in the 2 weeks after THAT Cuz A, Cuz J and baby not born yet E G will be "gracing" us with their presence. And then, Billy will be coming to stay the last weekend in March/first weekend in April!!! YAY!! Oh, have I said YAY yet?? ; ) So I told Dr. Crap-for-Brains that I needed him to schedule it sometime AFTER all my social engagements! HA! He said, OK then...I'll call you. Yeah...ok...have your people call my people...Assmunch.

Alrighty then...so, I'm not allergic to metal...I'm no longer feeling like a cyborg...I've got my peeps coming to see me...and I am getting my surgery scheduled in a decent amount of time to where I can get myself all prepared. *sigh* Things always work out, don't they? ; )

Love to all as always!

You're one and only ~*MareBear*~

Panic Attack!!!

So I go to the ortho doc yesterday. Dr. Warmth-and-Charm walks in and I tell him that I don't want to have the CD on March 1st. He says, "Well, ok...let's do the hip replacement then." I was like, Exsqueeze me??? I think not. Many of you are asking at this point, well WHY NOT MARE?!?!? And that's exactly what HE asked, "WHY NOT?!? This is what YOU wanted!!" See this is the original doc that I saw that told me I absolutely could not have a hip replacement because I was too young before he even looked at my x-rays. I tore him a new one and told him, OH YES I WILL have one. Told him that I knew a lot about AVN and knew what I was talking about! (Docs just LOVE that...especially 5th year residents like Doc Charming here.) So when he finally DID get around to looking at my x-rays that first day, he was TICKED to discover that *aghast* the patient was RIGHT!! I DID need a hip replacement! He looked perfectly GREY that day. But YESTERDAY he was getting a kick out of me being vulnerable. But...I was not having it...no way, no how. I am not mentally prepared to have a total hip replacement in a week. I was thinking I was going to have a CD surgery. I was thinking I was going to be in a wheelchair for 2 months, then I'd stand up and be walking around, STILL WITH MY OWN BONES in my body!! What HE was talking about is a whole different set of circumstances. I'd have FAKE parts in my body and not be able to bend over 90 degrees for MONTHS...not be able to put on my own socks...not know my limitations...the UNKNOWN which I have talked about before...and I'm sorry, but I just can't prepare for all of that in a WEEK!!!!!!!!!

But I feel like a coward. I am still going to get the hip replacement. I will. It will now be scheduled for PROBABLY 2-3 months from now at the earliest. I go back to see this Dr. Wonderful in a week because I had to do a metal allergy test. So hopefully he can give me a better idea as to when he has scheduled it then. But I feel like a failure and a coward. Here I was screaming from the rooftops and yelling to ANYONE who could hear me that I NEED AND DESERVE a hip replacement. And now they are handing me one right in my face and I'm telling them to TAKE IT BACK. I'm scared out of my mind. SCARED TO DEATH. I don't want it. I don't want this disease. I want to hand it to someone else now. Someone else can have it. I'm through being strong. I'm through being the advocate. I'm just done. I hate it. I don't want any of it anymore. I'm tired of hurting every day. I'm tired of planning my days around THIS. I'm tired of not living. But at the same time, I'm so scared to go into that unknown place. How long before I can bend down and put on my socks? How long before I can bring my knee up in my chair? Which ways can I move without being scared that my hip will dislocate? Will I ever be able to run with my children that I now know I can have them?? All these damn questions.

So...here I sit tonight...feeling panicky and stressed and guilty and scared and lots of other things. I will have the hip replacement. But I won't be having it March 1st. If there are people out there STILL wondering why...you can bite me. If you love and care about me, but for some crazy reason are still having a hard time understanding why I didn't have the hip replacement March 1st, please just try to bear with me. I will get there eventually.

Love to all as always,

~*MareBear*~

Babies

This is something that I don't talk about...ever...until recently with a few select people, and now I will share with the rest of the universe. Because well...that's just what I do. Blab my business all over the world. Most of it anyway! ; ) For many years I thought that I could not have kids. A doctor told me that when I was 17 years old. You see...when I was 17 I had a really bad miscarraige. I will not put details here. It was traumatic and awful and this horrible doctor got in my face and told me that because it was so bad...forget ever having kids. So in the back of my mind...that stuck with me. Then I get steroids pumped in me which screw up my entire system and get AVN and I find out I have to have BOTH of my hips replaced. WOW...here I'm thinking. OK...Now I won't be able to carry a child because of that either! Now...there are many of you out there that would say, Gee, that's too bad...go adopt. Hmm. Let me tell you a little bit about me that not many people know.

My mother had me when she was barely 20 years old. From the time I was 4 years old it was me and my mom against the world. We were and are best friends. Soul mates. We share a connection that is stronger than any bond I've ever encountered. She knows what I'm thinking even when I'm a thousand miles away from her. I can tell what she is feeling just from a flick of her eyes. She has raised me to believe in myself. She has let me take my own falls, but been right there to pick me back up again. She has shown me what it's like to take joy in being a mother and a friend to your child. Because of her, my ENTIRE LIFE, I have wanted that. To be a mother. To have a child that I could call my own. To have a connection with. To breathe life into and raise up to be a good person. I know...it's every parent's dream to raise a child like that. I have DESPERATELY wanted to be able to do that. To be able to create a child with someone you love and care for and there's this tiny little being that is just the combination of the two of you! It's unbelievable to me!!!

So I go in for tests last week. A bunch of yucky tests. And today, I went back to the docs office for the news I've been wanting to hear since I was 17 years old.

There is NO physical reason why I can't have a child that they can tell. The doc who told me that when I was 17 was probably just trying to scare me and they did a damn good job of it. As for my hip replacements...I CAN carry a baby completely to term no problem. I just might have to have a C-section for delivery.

This was huge news. News I was not expecting to hear. I had completely prepared myself that I couldn't have kids. Even practically told people that I couldn't have them. Because I had believed that for so long. Mom and I went out into the lobby of the medical building and I just cried. I just stopped where I was and cried. And then I couldn't stop smiling. And I'm still smiling now. : ) The best thing about the whole thing was...my wonderful mom was there to hear that news with me. And if there does come a time when I'm blessed enough to have a baby...I hope she's right there with me the whole way!

Love to all as always,

~*MareBear*~

Chicago Skyline and Lake Pics

Here is just a FRACTION of beautiful Lake Michigan right as we were walking up to the aquarium!












Here is part of the Chicago skyline from the front of the aquarium. The really tall building you see with the pointy things on top is the Sears Tower. Next time I'm up there I MIGHT get the courage to go up in THAT building!! (without throwing up of course!)






Another view of Chicago skyline! On the way back from the aquarium we got to see it all lit up at night and it was unbelievably beautiful!








Yet another view...through some trees and lamposts! : )

I took this of the lake and skyline when it first started to snow. Gosh, just looking at this picture makes me shiver!! It was SO cold!! But wow, it was pretty.

Here's a better view of the lake with the skyline in the distance when it first started to snow. Looks so quiet and cold!

Chicago Aquarium Pics

This is the front of the Shedd Aquarium! So beautiful. Unfortunately, you can't tell from this picture that there is a gigantic staircase that we had to climb up to get inside! ; )










Munchkin and I couldn't resist taking this one...It's FREEZING outside and they have an ICE CREAM stand...umm...anyone else see where this is a little ODD??










This would be Mr. Anaconda. You can see his skin hanging from that branch and Mr. Anaconda himself is at the bottom center of the pic. It's kind of hard to see him, but he is there! Huge and fat!

















This fabulous guy was LOVING the camera. He nodded at everyone standing at his cage to "Go ahead and TAKE MY PICTURE!" So that's exactly what I did!









I do believe that these were my favorite critters in the whole place! They were SO cute and I got about a zillion pics of them. They were all over the place, diving off rocks into their little pool of water. Cute and cuddly, boys...Cute and cuddly!

100 Reminders

Alright guys! These are 100 reminders that all of us need to read, retain and remember. Most of them are easier said than done. Maybe we should all staple them to our foreheads! This is a long read for sure, but please take a minute out of your BUSY day to read this. I think you'll find it's worth it! ;)
Love to all of you as always,
Mare

1. Make the best of bad situations 2. Look people in the eye 3. Learn to play a musical instrument 4. Be the first to say 'hello' 5. Be forgiving of yourself & others 6. Treat everyone you meet like you want to be treated 7. Make new friends but cherish the old ones 8. Keep secrets 9. Take lots of snapshots (oh...just WAIT!) 10. Dont postpone joy!!! 11. Never give up on anybody. Miracles happen everyday 12. Surprise loved ones with little unexpected gifts 13. Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, & integrity, they think of you 14. Admit your mistakes 15. Make it a habit to do nice things for people who'll never find out 16. Always have something beautiful in sight, even if it's just a neighborhood flower in a jelly glass 17. Think big thoughts, but relish small pleasures 18. Smile a lot. It costs nothing and is beyond price : ) 19. Learn to listen. Opportunity sometimes knocks very softly 20. When someone is relating an important event that happened to them, don't try to top them with a story of your own. Let them have the stage 21. Never deprive someone of hope. It might be all they have 22. When playing games with children, let them win 23. Skip one meal a week & give what you would have spent to charity 24. Strive for excellence, not perfection (hmmm) 25. Take time to smell the roses 26. Pray not for things, but for wisdom & courage 27. Be tough-minded but tender-hearted 28. Avoid negative people 29. Be original 30. Never give up on what you really want to do. The person with big dreams is more powerful than one with all the facts 31. Be kinder than necessary 32. Never be afraid to do things your own way 33. Be romantic Y34. Let people know what you stand for - and what you won't stand for 35. Become the most positive & enthusiastic person you know 36. Don't forget that a person's greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated 37. Show respect to all living things 38. Loosen up. Relax. Except for rare life & death matters, nothing is as important as it first seems 39. Commit yourself to constant self-improvement 40. Don't waste time grieving over past mistakes. Learn from them & move on 41. Be a good loser 42. Be a good winner 43. Never tell anyone they look tired or depressed 44. When someone hugs you, let them be the first to let go 45. Keep your promises 50. Keep it simple 51. Take good care of those you love 52. Learn to show cheerfulness, even when you dont feel like it 53. Never cut what can be untied 54. Everyday, show your family how much you love them with your words, with your touch, & with your thoughtfulness 55. Beware of the person who has nothing to lose 56. Lie on your back & look at the stars 57. Leave everything a little better than you found it 58. Never underestimate your power to change yourself 59. Never overestimate your power to change others 60. Get in shape & stay that way 61. Dont burn bridges. You'll be surprised how many times you have to cross the same river 62. Keep expectations high 63. Accept pain & disappointment as part of life 64. See problems as opportunities for growth & self-mastery 65. Don't expect life to be fair 66. Hear both sides before judging 67. Refrain from envy, it's the source of much unhappiness 68. Don't delay acting on a good idea. Chances are someone else has just thought of it, too. Success comes to the one who acts first 69. Live your life so that your epitaph could read no regrets 70. Be bold & courageous. When you look back on your life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you did 71. Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them 72. Evaluate yourself by your own standards, not someone else's 73. Be there when people need you 74. Don't let anyone talk you out of pursuing what you know to be a great idea 75. Know when to be silent 76. Know when to speak up 77. Remember that no one makes it alone. Have a grateful heart & be quick to acknowledge those who help you 78. Take charge of your attitude. Don't let someone else choose it for you 79. Pay attention to the details 80. Be loyal 81. Understand that happiness is not based on possessions, power, or prestige, but on the relationships with people you love & respect 82. Don't let your possessions possess you 83. Begin each day with your favorite music 84. Be enthusiastic about the success of others (WTG!) ; ) 85. Don't procrastinate, do what needs doing when it needs to be done 86. Do more than expected 87. Don't allow self-pity. The moment this emotion strikes, do something nice for someone less fortunate than you 88. Make a list of 25 things you want to experience before you die. Carry it in your wallet & refer to it often 89. Every person that you meet knows something you don't. Learn from them 90. Laugh a lot. A good sense of humor cures almost all of life's ills 91. Don't use time or words carelessly, neither can be retrieved 92. Don't miss the magic of the moment by focusing on whats to come 93. Don't be rushed into making an important decision 94. Don't make the same mistake twice (wow...shouldn't we KNOW this by now??) 95. Become someones hero (I know who mine is!) 96. After you've worked hard to get what you want, take the time to enjoy it 97. Take life one step at a time (even if it's a limp) 98. Dont worry about tomorrow, just make it through today 99. Do what you can, with what you have, where you are (My Dad taught me that one LY MI) 100. Live the present! It's irreplaceable!!

Scary Stuff

So the doc called yesterday...or rather, his nurse. I answered the phone and she says, "Hey Mary, he wanted me to tell you that the surgery is set for March 1st, and you'll come in to see him on Feb. 21st and he'll explain everything to you then! See ya later, BYE!"

Ummmm!! WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wanted to scream in the phone!!! STOP STOP STOP! I don't want to DO THIS ANYMORE! Now that there's an actual DATE on this thing, now that this is actually HAPPENING, it's FREAKING ME OUT!!! The surgery itself doesn't bug me that much...I mean sure, who WANTS to be knocked out and sliced and diced? OK, I'm sure there are some of you out there who would sign up for that voluntarily, but this chick ain't one of em! But what I'm really freaking about is that this is the beginning of the whole THING. The surgeries and recoveries and well.....the UNKNOWN. See, right now, I KNOW what my limitations are. I KNOW what I can and can't do. I know exactly when to take a pain pill so that I can get through the day. But once all this stuff starts, I'm clueless. And THAT, my friends, leaves me out of control. And while I know that I just need to leave it God's hands and the docs hands...I DO NOT like being out of control of my own body and limitations.

So...here I am. Sitting here at the computer typing away thinking about a surgery that will take place exactly a month from today. And I'm scared. And I don't readily admit that often. I like to pride myself on being a strong person. Being the one that everyone can turn to in their time of need. Being the one that people can look to and say, "Look how brave she is!" And I'm feeling like a failure.

Lately, I've had to face a lot of things that have made me afraid. Not AFRAID exactly, but have put me completely out of my comfort zone. To be honest, the past month has been nothing but non-comfort-zone-ish for me. I've had to make some huge choices that were sad, exciting and scary that have been completely nervewracking. And I'm NOT used to that at all. I'm used to saying, NO...let someone ELSE make that choice. But someone pointed out to me recently that maybe it's because I'm getting these surgeries done, and because I'm living in a new house and have new friends and all these "new" things going on that maybe this is the start of a NEW ME. So, maybe this is my way of doing some new things. Like making tough choices that affected not only me but other people as well, and just about broke my heart. And doing things for myself that 6 months or a year ago I wouldn't have even DREAMT of doing! And decided FOR MYSELF that I was going to go ahead with a surgery that isn't guaranteed to work, but might give me a chance to prolong another surgery.

So...I'm just making choices. Tough ones, each in their own way. And I'm scared. Hard for me to say it, but here I am in front of all of you saying it. And that in itself is scary too. But hell, I'm on a roll.

Love to all always,

Mare

Irises

So the other day, my mom and I come home from yet another shopping trip to Kohl's (send me stuff) and we pull up to our GORGEOUS house, and there is a BOX sitting outside the front door! And guess what!!! It was FLOWERS from PETE!!!! Sweet Pete sent me flowers to wish me luck on the medical "stuff" (nice choice of words there, Petie! LMAO) and to make my house pretty! : ) Which they ABSOLUTELY did! They are the most gorgeous irises...which you can see from the pics! The coolest part is the company they came from...it's a really cool company...I'm sure they won't mind me advertising for them on here...it's ProFlowers. I will type just what the IRISES came like and what it says on the little package:

Picked when the bloom is just cracking open and shipped overnight from the farms in Central California, the ProFlowers' Iris arrive in magical ready-to-bloom stage. Watch them gracefully unfold to reveal their inner beauty.

Everyone sigh collectively. OK...so I've talked enough about them...ENJOY THE PICS!!! Oh, and Petie.....KISSES!!! Thank you SOOO much! That was very sweet of you!

Hmmm...Quitting Smoking

OK...so well...hmmm...So I haven't actually quit smoking...exactly. But I've cut back...A LOT! Really, I have. And now that I'm going to Chicago, and I'm super psyched about it...there's no way in hell that I can quit completely now...so people...just bear with me, OKAY?!?!? Love you, MEAN IT! hee hee!!!!

Chicago!!!!!!

Ladies and Gents...in exactly 2 weeks from RIGHT NOW, I will be in CHICAGO!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!! I will have met my Pogo friends who are also three of my very BEST friends, Denise, Billy and Tree!!!!!!! Denise is getting married on Feb 10th which is the whole reason for the gathering. I have been DEVASTATED about the fact that I wasn't able to go up there, but lo and behold, today...Denise waved her magic wand and within about 30 minutes, I had a flight and a hotel room for the weekend!! I am beside myself excited about it. I've been NEEDING something to be excited about. I haven't been excited about something like this in a VERY long time. Not to mention, I've never just hopped on a plane all by myself to somewhere I've never been to meet people I've never met before in person. But the weird thing about it is...for those of you who have known me my entire life...you would think I'd be scared out of my MIND to do this. Step out of my comfort zone and "take a risk." But the thing is...I am SO FAR from scared!!! I am excited and PUMPED about it! I feel like I'm finally DOING something for myself! And I have Denise to thank for that! She would say that I DO NOT need to thank her, but I would just turn around and tell her to SHUT IT! THANK YOU GIRLIE!!! You do not know what this means to me. Especially right before I'm about to face an icky surgery and some tough recovery. BUT now that I'll have met you guys...you can come see ME since I won't be able to see YOU! And you can push me around the casino here in my wheelchair!!! ; ) Tell everyone to get the HELL out of our way! : ) I love you guys, and can't WAIT to get my limping self up there to spend some REAL OFFLINE time with you!!!

~*MareBear*~

Quit Day!!

Well, here it is 8:41 PM on Tuesday, January 24, 2006. It's been exactly 21 hours since I've had a cigarette. But I'm not counting. I'm actually doing really well. I'm not using the patch, or nicotine gum. Nor have I eaten everything in the fridge or killed anyone or any animal that lives in the household. So, I thought I'd get on here and share with everyone that I am quitting. Figured making it publicly known would give me more support to quit! So that means all you guys have to comment and give me a nice little pat on the back or a "YAY!" or something! And yes, this has to be THE WORST time for someone to quit smoking, but hey...I figure...if I can manage to quit smoking successfully during all THIS crap, then I can live without ciggies! But the MAIN reason for me quitting is because of the upcoming surgery. The whole purpose of the surgery is to get blood flowing again...and nicotine restricts blood vessels. SO...the success of the surgery could depend on my quitting this crap right NOW. So there ya have it. I don't WANT to quit, but I have to. So...that's enough reason for me to do it without too much complaint or drama about it. Just set em down and be done with em after 10 years. GIT R DONE!!!!!!!!!! Anyway, that's all I got to say about that! : )

Love to all!

~*Mare Bear*~

Nermies Has Arrived!!!

Well, my baby boy has finally arrived here in J!! And I am so happy that he is here with me. He seems to be adapting very well and Annie and Whitney love him so far...TIGGER on the otherhand....not so much. But Nermil is determined to be friends. Anyway, I have some pics that I wanted to share with all of you! Enjoy!! Love to all as usual!

This is Nermil on my bed and he is shocked and surprised by the flash of the camera so he is squinting in this picture. Afterwards, he scolded me for not warning him of what I was doing first!







This is his shy pose...I warned him I was going to take the picture and he didn't know exactly what to do so he kind of froze a little bit.






This time he was ready for the picture and said, "OK, Mommy, you can take one now...I've got the perfect pose and I'll look off to the side so the flash won't hurt my eyes."






This is when I told him that the last pose made him look absolutely GORGEOUS!! He is saying, "OH! Stop it Mommy!"







Here he said, "Wait a darn minute, I AM gorgeous, take another picture and I'll cross my dainty little paws for you. I am totally fabulous!"






Here, I told him the joke about the two dogs that walk into the bar....you know the one...gets him every time!





He finally got control of himself and he says, "OK, Mommy, let's get back to business...tell me again how beatiful I am." And I said, "You look VERY beautiful on my VERY beautiful bed!"






This is Nermil COMPLETELY disgusted that I would DARE compare him and my BED and call them both beautiful. I immediately apologized and begged for his feline forgiveness.








But to no avail...he was DUNZO! "Photo shoot OVER, MOTHER!" And off he went!






Well, at least I got SOME shots for you guys! I hope you enjoyed them! ; )

The Dreaded Surgeon's Appointment

Well, today was the day of the surgeon's appointment...to find out how exactly how bad the right hip is, and to find out exactly what the heck these docs are planning to do to help me. Well...that's what I found out. There may be some medical mumbo jumbo in here, but I will do my BEST to explain! I promise...if you can make it through the next paragraph, it'll all be worth it! : )

My right hip is in the late stage 2, early stage 3 AVN. Which means that it does have significant AVN in the ball of the hip, BUT the ball of the hip is still ROUND. By comparison, my LEFT hip is totally collapsed LATE stage 4...if you looked at an x-ray of it, you would see that the ball of my left hip is NOT rounded...it is bumpy and not smooth. OK...SO...going from that...there is a procedure called a core decompression (CD) that the docs can do IF you "catch" the AVN in the early stages. A CD is where they drill a hole in the hip to stimulate more blood flow. (This is a VERY elementary explanation, so PLEASE, AVN experts, do not get on to me!) The purpose of a CD is to PROLONG the hip replacement (THR) not PREVENT it. I WILL have to have a THR on the right hip eventually, but they are hoping to prolong it as long as they can. CDs in the stages that MY hip is in and later have NOT been known to be the most successful. Meaning...after a few months, the pain returns and I must have a THR anyway. If the CD IS successful, it will give me at the most a few years, hopefully pain free, that I can avoid a THR in that right hip. NOW...for what they told me today.

They want to do a CD on my right hip in the next 6-8 weeks. They think it will be a 50-50 chance that it will be successful. The surgery itself is relatively short and sweet. I would spend a day, MAYBE spend overnight, in the hospital. However, the recovery time for this surgery is daunting. I would have to be COMPLETELY non-weight bearing on my right leg for TWO MONTHS. Well. That poses a problem. My left hip is completely collapsed. I can't possibly hold all of my weight on my left leg seeing as I have my left hip collapsed AND I have AVN in my entire left femur from my hip to my knee. SO...after I have the CD, I will be in a wheelchair for at least 2 months.

After I have completely gotten over the CD surgery, the docs are going to give me what I've been waiting for for well over a year. A ceramic on ceramic total hip replacement on my left hip. IF everything goes perfectly, it should last 25 years before I have to have another one put in. I may have to have revisions but I won't have to have another replacement for 25 years. That's 10 years longer than the metal on metal replacements. And who knows? In 25 years...they may come out with a bionic leg! ; ) We didn't have much discussion on the replacement except for the risks of surgery which are pretty much normal except for one thing. With a hip replacement, you lose a LOT of blood apparantly. Come to think of it, this may NOT be an exception, but he SAID it was an exception and told me that I needed to give blood before the surgery because there are occassions when people need blood transfusions....that was a little scary. But I digress.

My femur. Sadly, there isn't anything at all that they can do for my femur. Doc said that once my hip is replaced, he hopes that the majority of the pain will subside, but unfortunately, I will have pain in that leg for the rest of my life.

Here's where I get overwhelmed. The for the rest of my life part. The other day, I got a bit of a reality check. I realized that I had a "picket fence" outlook on this whole thing. I hadn't let it "hit" me that my right leg was now involved. I hadn't accepted that I'd be dealing with this disease for the REST OF MY LIFE. The words "chronic" always went in one ear and out the other. My very best friend, who also has AVN told me these words which struck me right to the core........."After your hip replacement, you won't be able to put on your own socks for 6 months." And she's right! But I haven't thought that far ahead. I was thinking, after my hip replacement, everything will go back to the way things were. End of story. Nope....this is JUST the beginning. A new chapter. A new freaking NOVEL. (Maybe this is where I should start, huh, Daddy?)

Anyway, that's what happened today. I haven't cried. I haven't thrown myself on the bed in self pity. I haven't raised my hands in the air and screamed "WHY ME?!?!" at the top of my lungs. Maybe that is yet to come. I don't know. That's the key. I don't know what's yet to come. And that scares the hell out of me. But one thing I DO know. I've made some great friends that I wouldn't have made if I hadn't gotten this disease. Some more recently than others. You have been there for me, listened to me, bitched with me, stood up for me, and loved me. You know who you are. ; ) I have a long road ahead of me and I hope and pray with everything left in me that you'll still be with me at the end of that road. To steal a line from one of my new great friends........"I hope you will be my reward!"

Yours, with love to all always!

~*Mare Bear*~

The Boot

So sneaky Steve came over with his fancy camera which I'm insanely jealous of...and somehow there was some sneaking around and tonight in my email inbox I get this picture! Seems Steve and a cohort snuck into my bedroom when I wasn't looking and "posed" my new boot on my bed and took a picture of it! HA! But it looks totally awesome, man. Not only am I posting this on here because #1 I want to show off my bed yet again...#2 I want to show off my new boots, but #3 I WANT YOUR CAMERA STEVE!!! I LOVE YOU!!! You know how you always have to have seconds on the hugs and kisses?? Well I'll give you HUNDREDS if you give me the camera!! I know, I know...keep dreaming! : ) Anyway, this post is dedicated to you!

Pics of the New House!!!!

Here are some pics of the new house!! YAY! Keep in mind, we just moved in a week ago, and haven't even come CLOSE to finishing everything, but I couldn't WAIT to post some of these shots, so here ya go!! :)




Here's the new kitchen with stainless appliances and flat top glass stove with slate countertops!! WOO WOO! It's the best part of the house according to Mom!









Here's another view of the fabulous kitchen where you can see the matching fridge that dispenses crushed OR cubed ice! (We're living rich now!) When you stand at the sink you can look out the back windows into the backyard and you can also see the big TV in the family room...niiiiiceeee! : )








This is our dining/breakfast area right off the kitchen. Mom made the flower arrangement herself! ;)
















HERE is the focus of the family room...the 42" LCD HDTV!!! Oh yeah, and the gas fireplace. And Mom's pretty plants and candles. : )



























These 3 pics above are pics of our FLOOR!!! It's totally awesome. It's scored and stained concrete. For those who have never heard of that being done before, and trust me, before moving here, I had never heard of it either...it's the coolest thing ever. D, the floor guy, who should be called a floor ARTIST, takes a concrete floor and makes cool designs on them with a saw, then stains them certain colors and seals them and they come out to be gorgeous. These pics actually don't do these floors justice. You'll just have to all come down and see them for yourselves!! : )

Here is my bathroom which isn't a very good representation of it, but you get the drift.....purple. And you can't really see it, but that's a picture of Mom and Dad on their wedding day in the window!! HA! So I can see them everytime I'm on the toilet!

NOW!!! For the BEST part of the ENTIRE house!!!

Here is my BEAUTIFUL bedspread!!!! And yes, so far, I make my bed every single morning as soon as I wake up because it's so gorgeous! And everyone that has come in the house has oohed and aahed appropriately just as I expect the same out of all of you since it took me forever to find exactly the perfect one I was looking for and I finally found it and I am madly in love with it! : )

I am decorating my room in Paris decor...so, needless to say, it's going to be tres magnific! I don't even think I spelled that right...anyway...So here are just a few pics of the things I have in my room that have Paris things on them...there are more things in there, but I won't put you through the suffering of having to look at all of it. Once I get my room totally done, I will take pics of the ENTIRE room so you can see the finished product!!

Anyway, kids...that's about it for now...there's lots more to see, but gosh it took me half the day just to get these on here. SO...I will try my best to keep you guys posted...pun totally intended...on what's going on around here. Love and hugs and kisses and all that other stuff to everyone!!!

~*MareBear*~