The simple, but utterly hilarious stuff of Jack Handey...I really hope I'm not the only one who literally falls on the ground laughing at this ridiculously simple comedy! ENJOY!
"It's probably not a good idea to be chewing on a toothpick if you're talking to the president, because what if he tells a funny joke and you laugh so hard you spit the toothpick out and it hits him in the face or something."
"Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk."
"The tiger can't change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him!"
"Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny."
"To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus and a clown killed my dad."
"The wise man can pick up a grain of sand and envision a whole universe. But the stupid man will just lie down on some seaweed and roll around until he's completely draped in it. Then he'll stand up and go, 'Hey, I'm Vine Man.'"
"It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there, rocking back and forth, wanting that money."
"I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!, I'd have all my money back."
"I think a good novel would be where a bunch of men on a ship are looking for a whale. They look and look, but you know what? They never find him. And you know why they never find him? It doesn't say. The book leaves it up to you, the reader, to decide. Then, at the very end, there's a page you can lick and it tastes like Kool-Aid."
"If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you."
"Many people never stop to realize that a tree is a living thing, not that different from a tall, leafy dog that has roots and is very quiet."
"If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at some guys, throw one of those little baby-type pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think of how crazy war is, and while they're thinking, you can throw a real grenade."
~~Sorry I put so many of them, but they are TOO funny! I know I'm a total nerd! Rock on SNL!
August 25, 2005
Funny Quotes!!
These are pretty good!! ~MareBear~
"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject." - Winston Churchill
"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?" - Edgar Bergen
"Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected." - Red Buttons
"He who laughs last didn't get it." - Helen Giangregorio
"Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem." - Bill Vaughan
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." - Erma Louise Bombeck
"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet." - Woody Allen
"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject." - Winston Churchill
"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?" - Edgar Bergen
"Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected." - Red Buttons
"He who laughs last didn't get it." - Helen Giangregorio
"Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem." - Bill Vaughan
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." - Erma Louise Bombeck
"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet." - Woody Allen
Great Quotes!
Feel free to steal these...I didn't say them! : )
"Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love." - Albert Einstein
"It is better to be hated for who you are than to be loved for what you are not." - Andre Gide
"I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love." - Mother Teresa
"Let us more and more insist on raising funds of love, of kindness, of understanding, of peace. Money will come if we seek first the Kingdom of God-the rest will be given." - Mother Teresa
"The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother." - Theodore M Hesburgh
"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart." - Helen Keller
"Until he extends his circle of compassion to all living things, man will not himself find peace." - Albert Schweitzer
"The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
"I believe God is managing affairs and that He doesn't need any advice from me. With God in charge, I believe everything will work out for the best in the end. So what is there to worry about." - Henry Ford
"Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action." - Benjamin Disraeli
"The true test of character is not how much we know how to do, but how we behave when we don't know what to do." - John Holt
"You become a champion by fighting one more round. When things are tough, you fight one more round." - James Corbett
"Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love." - Albert Einstein
"It is better to be hated for who you are than to be loved for what you are not." - Andre Gide
"I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no hurt, but only more love." - Mother Teresa
"Let us more and more insist on raising funds of love, of kindness, of understanding, of peace. Money will come if we seek first the Kingdom of God-the rest will be given." - Mother Teresa
"The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother." - Theodore M Hesburgh
"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart." - Helen Keller
"Until he extends his circle of compassion to all living things, man will not himself find peace." - Albert Schweitzer
"The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
"I believe God is managing affairs and that He doesn't need any advice from me. With God in charge, I believe everything will work out for the best in the end. So what is there to worry about." - Henry Ford
"Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action." - Benjamin Disraeli
"The true test of character is not how much we know how to do, but how we behave when we don't know what to do." - John Holt
"You become a champion by fighting one more round. When things are tough, you fight one more round." - James Corbett
What If??
What if BB King had a purple mohawk and wore a shirt that says, "Skater Punx Rule the World" but still played the Blues wonderfully? Would it be like rubbing your head and patting your stomach at the same time? Sometimes you can do it, but MAN does it feel wrong!
What if salmonella actually contained something that cured cancer and we are just missing out?
What if every single person in America lost all their teeth and there were no such things as dentures? Would the obesity epidemic come to a screeching halt? Or would the consumption of mash potatoes and ice cream sky rocket and make obesity even MORE wide spread?
What if healthcare in the US was really free but there were no hypochondriacs? Would that finally be something that could work?
What if they made marijuana legal? Would that lessen crime and up morale? Or would it just cause workplace vending machines to contain nothing but Doritos and bonuses at work would be coupons for free Taco Bell?
What if the US decided not to police the whole world? Would things go terribly wrong and would there be wars EVERYWHERE? Or would other countries work things out for themselves and no one would hate us?
What if your doctor had UNDENIABLE proof that you only had a week to live? Would you spend that week in denial, crying and saying how it wasn't fair and searching for answers? Or would you get on the phone, call everyone you knew to come to your house, and party like CRAZY, and make sure each person knew exactly how you felt? Would you be mad at God? Or use this opportunity to make it right with Him? THINK ABOUT IT!
I'm sure I will come up with more random What If's later.
Peace out!
~Mare Bear~
What if salmonella actually contained something that cured cancer and we are just missing out?
What if every single person in America lost all their teeth and there were no such things as dentures? Would the obesity epidemic come to a screeching halt? Or would the consumption of mash potatoes and ice cream sky rocket and make obesity even MORE wide spread?
What if healthcare in the US was really free but there were no hypochondriacs? Would that finally be something that could work?
What if they made marijuana legal? Would that lessen crime and up morale? Or would it just cause workplace vending machines to contain nothing but Doritos and bonuses at work would be coupons for free Taco Bell?
What if the US decided not to police the whole world? Would things go terribly wrong and would there be wars EVERYWHERE? Or would other countries work things out for themselves and no one would hate us?
What if your doctor had UNDENIABLE proof that you only had a week to live? Would you spend that week in denial, crying and saying how it wasn't fair and searching for answers? Or would you get on the phone, call everyone you knew to come to your house, and party like CRAZY, and make sure each person knew exactly how you felt? Would you be mad at God? Or use this opportunity to make it right with Him? THINK ABOUT IT!
I'm sure I will come up with more random What If's later.
Peace out!
~Mare Bear~
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)