So what I failed to mention in the last post is that when I was in the doc's office I asked them to do a metal allergy test to see if I would have an allergic reaction to the metal that would be on my hip replacement. I was unaware that there would be ANY metal on it since it's a ceramic hip, but there will be metal pieces to it. Anywho...I am super sensitive to certain metals...can't wear certain earrings and had to take out my belly button ring because it was all the time getting infected. SO...the doc had me tape 2 metal disks about the size of quarters to the inside of my arm for a week. That was rather annoying. I felt somewhat like a cyborg. And showering proved to be interesting to say the least. Thank goodness THIS weekend wasn't the weekend I had to go to Chicago...can you see me trying to explain THAT to the airport security check people? Umm yes...I know I have 2 metal disks taped to my arm...you see...here's the thing..... HA! Anyway, I went BACK to the doc today...because I just LOVE seeing his beautiful smiling face and feeling him radiate warmth and inspiration wherever he goes. No really...that's why I went back. SO...I take off the tape, and he says, NEGATIVE on the allergic stuff. SO YAY! I can go on with the hip replacement unless I'm a freak who's allergic to ceramic! ; ) He asked me if I still wanted to go through with it, or if I needed more time to think about it...since last time I was sitting in front of him all the blood rushed out of my body when he mentioned the surgery and I wanted to punch his pearly white teeth out of his head. But I said, YES...I do want to have it, BUT!!!! It must be AFTER the first week of April, because I am BOOKED until then! ; ) I might possibly be going to Biloxi this weekend. Then Aunt K and Uncle J are coming the weekend of the 10th...then sometime in the 2 weeks after THAT Cuz A, Cuz J and baby not born yet E G will be "gracing" us with their presence. And then, Billy will be coming to stay the last weekend in March/first weekend in April!!! YAY!! Oh, have I said YAY yet?? ; ) So I told Dr. Crap-for-Brains that I needed him to schedule it sometime AFTER all my social engagements! HA! He said, OK then...I'll call you. Yeah...ok...have your people call my people...Assmunch.
Alrighty then...so, I'm not allergic to metal...I'm no longer feeling like a cyborg...I've got my peeps coming to see me...and I am getting my surgery scheduled in a decent amount of time to where I can get myself all prepared. *sigh* Things always work out, don't they? ; )
Love to all as always!
You're one and only ~*MareBear*~
February 28, 2006
February 22, 2006
Panic Attack!!!
So I go to the ortho doc yesterday. Dr. Warmth-and-Charm walks in and I tell him that I don't want to have the CD on March 1st. He says, "Well, ok...let's do the hip replacement then." I was like, Exsqueeze me??? I think not. Many of you are asking at this point, well WHY NOT MARE?!?!? And that's exactly what HE asked, "WHY NOT?!? This is what YOU wanted!!" See this is the original doc that I saw that told me I absolutely could not have a hip replacement because I was too young before he even looked at my x-rays. I tore him a new one and told him, OH YES I WILL have one. Told him that I knew a lot about AVN and knew what I was talking about! (Docs just LOVE that...especially 5th year residents like Doc Charming here.) So when he finally DID get around to looking at my x-rays that first day, he was TICKED to discover that *aghast* the patient was RIGHT!! I DID need a hip replacement! He looked perfectly GREY that day. But YESTERDAY he was getting a kick out of me being vulnerable. But...I was not having it...no way, no how. I am not mentally prepared to have a total hip replacement in a week. I was thinking I was going to have a CD surgery. I was thinking I was going to be in a wheelchair for 2 months, then I'd stand up and be walking around, STILL WITH MY OWN BONES in my body!! What HE was talking about is a whole different set of circumstances. I'd have FAKE parts in my body and not be able to bend over 90 degrees for MONTHS...not be able to put on my own socks...not know my limitations...the UNKNOWN which I have talked about before...and I'm sorry, but I just can't prepare for all of that in a WEEK!!!!!!!!!
But I feel like a coward. I am still going to get the hip replacement. I will. It will now be scheduled for PROBABLY 2-3 months from now at the earliest. I go back to see this Dr. Wonderful in a week because I had to do a metal allergy test. So hopefully he can give me a better idea as to when he has scheduled it then. But I feel like a failure and a coward. Here I was screaming from the rooftops and yelling to ANYONE who could hear me that I NEED AND DESERVE a hip replacement. And now they are handing me one right in my face and I'm telling them to TAKE IT BACK. I'm scared out of my mind. SCARED TO DEATH. I don't want it. I don't want this disease. I want to hand it to someone else now. Someone else can have it. I'm through being strong. I'm through being the advocate. I'm just done. I hate it. I don't want any of it anymore. I'm tired of hurting every day. I'm tired of planning my days around THIS. I'm tired of not living. But at the same time, I'm so scared to go into that unknown place. How long before I can bend down and put on my socks? How long before I can bring my knee up in my chair? Which ways can I move without being scared that my hip will dislocate? Will I ever be able to run with my children that I now know I can have them?? All these damn questions.
So...here I sit tonight...feeling panicky and stressed and guilty and scared and lots of other things. I will have the hip replacement. But I won't be having it March 1st. If there are people out there STILL wondering why...you can bite me. If you love and care about me, but for some crazy reason are still having a hard time understanding why I didn't have the hip replacement March 1st, please just try to bear with me. I will get there eventually.
Love to all as always,
~*MareBear*~
But I feel like a coward. I am still going to get the hip replacement. I will. It will now be scheduled for PROBABLY 2-3 months from now at the earliest. I go back to see this Dr. Wonderful in a week because I had to do a metal allergy test. So hopefully he can give me a better idea as to when he has scheduled it then. But I feel like a failure and a coward. Here I was screaming from the rooftops and yelling to ANYONE who could hear me that I NEED AND DESERVE a hip replacement. And now they are handing me one right in my face and I'm telling them to TAKE IT BACK. I'm scared out of my mind. SCARED TO DEATH. I don't want it. I don't want this disease. I want to hand it to someone else now. Someone else can have it. I'm through being strong. I'm through being the advocate. I'm just done. I hate it. I don't want any of it anymore. I'm tired of hurting every day. I'm tired of planning my days around THIS. I'm tired of not living. But at the same time, I'm so scared to go into that unknown place. How long before I can bend down and put on my socks? How long before I can bring my knee up in my chair? Which ways can I move without being scared that my hip will dislocate? Will I ever be able to run with my children that I now know I can have them?? All these damn questions.
So...here I sit tonight...feeling panicky and stressed and guilty and scared and lots of other things. I will have the hip replacement. But I won't be having it March 1st. If there are people out there STILL wondering why...you can bite me. If you love and care about me, but for some crazy reason are still having a hard time understanding why I didn't have the hip replacement March 1st, please just try to bear with me. I will get there eventually.
Love to all as always,
~*MareBear*~
February 20, 2006
Babies
This is something that I don't talk about...ever...until recently with a few select people, and now I will share with the rest of the universe. Because well...that's just what I do. Blab my business all over the world. Most of it anyway! ; ) For many years I thought that I could not have kids. A doctor told me that when I was 17 years old. You see...when I was 17 I had a really bad miscarraige. I will not put details here. It was traumatic and awful and this horrible doctor got in my face and told me that because it was so bad...forget ever having kids. So in the back of my mind...that stuck with me. Then I get steroids pumped in me which screw up my entire system and get AVN and I find out I have to have BOTH of my hips replaced. WOW...here I'm thinking. OK...Now I won't be able to carry a child because of that either! Now...there are many of you out there that would say, Gee, that's too bad...go adopt. Hmm. Let me tell you a little bit about me that not many people know.
My mother had me when she was barely 20 years old. From the time I was 4 years old it was me and my mom against the world. We were and are best friends. Soul mates. We share a connection that is stronger than any bond I've ever encountered. She knows what I'm thinking even when I'm a thousand miles away from her. I can tell what she is feeling just from a flick of her eyes. She has raised me to believe in myself. She has let me take my own falls, but been right there to pick me back up again. She has shown me what it's like to take joy in being a mother and a friend to your child. Because of her, my ENTIRE LIFE, I have wanted that. To be a mother. To have a child that I could call my own. To have a connection with. To breathe life into and raise up to be a good person. I know...it's every parent's dream to raise a child like that. I have DESPERATELY wanted to be able to do that. To be able to create a child with someone you love and care for and there's this tiny little being that is just the combination of the two of you! It's unbelievable to me!!!
So I go in for tests last week. A bunch of yucky tests. And today, I went back to the docs office for the news I've been wanting to hear since I was 17 years old.
There is NO physical reason why I can't have a child that they can tell. The doc who told me that when I was 17 was probably just trying to scare me and they did a damn good job of it. As for my hip replacements...I CAN carry a baby completely to term no problem. I just might have to have a C-section for delivery.
This was huge news. News I was not expecting to hear. I had completely prepared myself that I couldn't have kids. Even practically told people that I couldn't have them. Because I had believed that for so long. Mom and I went out into the lobby of the medical building and I just cried. I just stopped where I was and cried. And then I couldn't stop smiling. And I'm still smiling now. : ) The best thing about the whole thing was...my wonderful mom was there to hear that news with me. And if there does come a time when I'm blessed enough to have a baby...I hope she's right there with me the whole way!
Love to all as always,
~*MareBear*~
My mother had me when she was barely 20 years old. From the time I was 4 years old it was me and my mom against the world. We were and are best friends. Soul mates. We share a connection that is stronger than any bond I've ever encountered. She knows what I'm thinking even when I'm a thousand miles away from her. I can tell what she is feeling just from a flick of her eyes. She has raised me to believe in myself. She has let me take my own falls, but been right there to pick me back up again. She has shown me what it's like to take joy in being a mother and a friend to your child. Because of her, my ENTIRE LIFE, I have wanted that. To be a mother. To have a child that I could call my own. To have a connection with. To breathe life into and raise up to be a good person. I know...it's every parent's dream to raise a child like that. I have DESPERATELY wanted to be able to do that. To be able to create a child with someone you love and care for and there's this tiny little being that is just the combination of the two of you! It's unbelievable to me!!!
So I go in for tests last week. A bunch of yucky tests. And today, I went back to the docs office for the news I've been wanting to hear since I was 17 years old.
There is NO physical reason why I can't have a child that they can tell. The doc who told me that when I was 17 was probably just trying to scare me and they did a damn good job of it. As for my hip replacements...I CAN carry a baby completely to term no problem. I just might have to have a C-section for delivery.
This was huge news. News I was not expecting to hear. I had completely prepared myself that I couldn't have kids. Even practically told people that I couldn't have them. Because I had believed that for so long. Mom and I went out into the lobby of the medical building and I just cried. I just stopped where I was and cried. And then I couldn't stop smiling. And I'm still smiling now. : ) The best thing about the whole thing was...my wonderful mom was there to hear that news with me. And if there does come a time when I'm blessed enough to have a baby...I hope she's right there with me the whole way!
Love to all as always,
~*MareBear*~
February 16, 2006
Chicago Skyline and Lake Pics
Here is just a FRACTION of beautiful Lake Michigan right as we were walking up to the aquarium!
Here is part of the Chicago skyline from the front of the aquarium. The really tall building you see with the pointy things on top is the Sears Tower. Next time I'm up there I MIGHT get the courage to go up in THAT building!! (without throwing up of course!)
Another view of Chicago skyline! On the way back from the aquarium we got to see it all lit up at night and it was unbelievably beautiful!
Yet another view...through some trees and lamposts! : )
I took this of the lake and skyline when it first started to snow. Gosh, just looking at this picture makes me shiver!! It was SO cold!! But wow, it was pretty.
Here's a better view of the lake with the skyline in the distance when it first started to snow. Looks so quiet and cold!
Chicago Aquarium Pics
This is the front of the Shedd Aquarium! So beautiful. Unfortunately, you can't tell from this picture that there is a gigantic staircase that we had to climb up to get inside! ; )
Munchkin and I couldn't resist taking this one...It's FREEZING outside and they have an ICE CREAM stand...umm...anyone else see where this is a little ODD??
This would be Mr. Anaconda. You can see his skin hanging from that branch and Mr. Anaconda himself is at the bottom center of the pic. It's kind of hard to see him, but he is there! Huge and fat!
This fabulous guy was LOVING the camera. He nodded at everyone standing at his cage to "Go ahead and TAKE MY PICTURE!" So that's exactly what I did!
I do believe that these were my favorite critters in the whole place! They were SO cute and I got about a zillion pics of them. They were all over the place, diving off rocks into their little pool of water. Cute and cuddly, boys...Cute and cuddly!
February 06, 2006
100 Reminders
Alright guys! These are 100 reminders that all of us need to read, retain and remember. Most of them are easier said than done. Maybe we should all staple them to our foreheads! This is a long read for sure, but please take a minute out of your BUSY day to read this. I think you'll find it's worth it! ;)
Love to all of you as always,
Mare
1. Make the best of bad situations 2. Look people in the eye 3. Learn to play a musical instrument 4. Be the first to say 'hello' 5. Be forgiving of yourself & others 6. Treat everyone you meet like you want to be treated 7. Make new friends but cherish the old ones 8. Keep secrets 9. Take lots of snapshots (oh...just WAIT!) 10. Dont postpone joy!!! 11. Never give up on anybody. Miracles happen everyday 12. Surprise loved ones with little unexpected gifts 13. Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, & integrity, they think of you 14. Admit your mistakes 15. Make it a habit to do nice things for people who'll never find out 16. Always have something beautiful in sight, even if it's just a neighborhood flower in a jelly glass 17. Think big thoughts, but relish small pleasures 18. Smile a lot. It costs nothing and is beyond price : ) 19. Learn to listen. Opportunity sometimes knocks very softly 20. When someone is relating an important event that happened to them, don't try to top them with a story of your own. Let them have the stage 21. Never deprive someone of hope. It might be all they have 22. When playing games with children, let them win 23. Skip one meal a week & give what you would have spent to charity 24. Strive for excellence, not perfection (hmmm) 25. Take time to smell the roses 26. Pray not for things, but for wisdom & courage 27. Be tough-minded but tender-hearted 28. Avoid negative people 29. Be original 30. Never give up on what you really want to do. The person with big dreams is more powerful than one with all the facts 31. Be kinder than necessary 32. Never be afraid to do things your own way 33. Be romantic Y34. Let people know what you stand for - and what you won't stand for 35. Become the most positive & enthusiastic person you know 36. Don't forget that a person's greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated 37. Show respect to all living things 38. Loosen up. Relax. Except for rare life & death matters, nothing is as important as it first seems 39. Commit yourself to constant self-improvement 40. Don't waste time grieving over past mistakes. Learn from them & move on 41. Be a good loser 42. Be a good winner 43. Never tell anyone they look tired or depressed 44. When someone hugs you, let them be the first to let go 45. Keep your promises 50. Keep it simple 51. Take good care of those you love 52. Learn to show cheerfulness, even when you dont feel like it 53. Never cut what can be untied 54. Everyday, show your family how much you love them with your words, with your touch, & with your thoughtfulness 55. Beware of the person who has nothing to lose 56. Lie on your back & look at the stars 57. Leave everything a little better than you found it 58. Never underestimate your power to change yourself 59. Never overestimate your power to change others 60. Get in shape & stay that way 61. Dont burn bridges. You'll be surprised how many times you have to cross the same river 62. Keep expectations high 63. Accept pain & disappointment as part of life 64. See problems as opportunities for growth & self-mastery 65. Don't expect life to be fair 66. Hear both sides before judging 67. Refrain from envy, it's the source of much unhappiness 68. Don't delay acting on a good idea. Chances are someone else has just thought of it, too. Success comes to the one who acts first 69. Live your life so that your epitaph could read no regrets 70. Be bold & courageous. When you look back on your life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you did 71. Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them 72. Evaluate yourself by your own standards, not someone else's 73. Be there when people need you 74. Don't let anyone talk you out of pursuing what you know to be a great idea 75. Know when to be silent 76. Know when to speak up 77. Remember that no one makes it alone. Have a grateful heart & be quick to acknowledge those who help you 78. Take charge of your attitude. Don't let someone else choose it for you 79. Pay attention to the details 80. Be loyal 81. Understand that happiness is not based on possessions, power, or prestige, but on the relationships with people you love & respect 82. Don't let your possessions possess you 83. Begin each day with your favorite music 84. Be enthusiastic about the success of others (WTG!) ; ) 85. Don't procrastinate, do what needs doing when it needs to be done 86. Do more than expected 87. Don't allow self-pity. The moment this emotion strikes, do something nice for someone less fortunate than you 88. Make a list of 25 things you want to experience before you die. Carry it in your wallet & refer to it often 89. Every person that you meet knows something you don't. Learn from them 90. Laugh a lot. A good sense of humor cures almost all of life's ills 91. Don't use time or words carelessly, neither can be retrieved 92. Don't miss the magic of the moment by focusing on whats to come 93. Don't be rushed into making an important decision 94. Don't make the same mistake twice (wow...shouldn't we KNOW this by now??) 95. Become someones hero (I know who mine is!) 96. After you've worked hard to get what you want, take the time to enjoy it 97. Take life one step at a time (even if it's a limp) 98. Dont worry about tomorrow, just make it through today 99. Do what you can, with what you have, where you are (My Dad taught me that one LY MI) 100. Live the present! It's irreplaceable!!
Love to all of you as always,
Mare
1. Make the best of bad situations 2. Look people in the eye 3. Learn to play a musical instrument 4. Be the first to say 'hello' 5. Be forgiving of yourself & others 6. Treat everyone you meet like you want to be treated 7. Make new friends but cherish the old ones 8. Keep secrets 9. Take lots of snapshots (oh...just WAIT!) 10. Dont postpone joy!!! 11. Never give up on anybody. Miracles happen everyday 12. Surprise loved ones with little unexpected gifts 13. Live so that when your children think of fairness, caring, & integrity, they think of you 14. Admit your mistakes 15. Make it a habit to do nice things for people who'll never find out 16. Always have something beautiful in sight, even if it's just a neighborhood flower in a jelly glass 17. Think big thoughts, but relish small pleasures 18. Smile a lot. It costs nothing and is beyond price : ) 19. Learn to listen. Opportunity sometimes knocks very softly 20. When someone is relating an important event that happened to them, don't try to top them with a story of your own. Let them have the stage 21. Never deprive someone of hope. It might be all they have 22. When playing games with children, let them win 23. Skip one meal a week & give what you would have spent to charity 24. Strive for excellence, not perfection (hmmm) 25. Take time to smell the roses 26. Pray not for things, but for wisdom & courage 27. Be tough-minded but tender-hearted 28. Avoid negative people 29. Be original 30. Never give up on what you really want to do. The person with big dreams is more powerful than one with all the facts 31. Be kinder than necessary 32. Never be afraid to do things your own way 33. Be romantic Y34. Let people know what you stand for - and what you won't stand for 35. Become the most positive & enthusiastic person you know 36. Don't forget that a person's greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated 37. Show respect to all living things 38. Loosen up. Relax. Except for rare life & death matters, nothing is as important as it first seems 39. Commit yourself to constant self-improvement 40. Don't waste time grieving over past mistakes. Learn from them & move on 41. Be a good loser 42. Be a good winner 43. Never tell anyone they look tired or depressed 44. When someone hugs you, let them be the first to let go 45. Keep your promises 50. Keep it simple 51. Take good care of those you love 52. Learn to show cheerfulness, even when you dont feel like it 53. Never cut what can be untied 54. Everyday, show your family how much you love them with your words, with your touch, & with your thoughtfulness 55. Beware of the person who has nothing to lose 56. Lie on your back & look at the stars 57. Leave everything a little better than you found it 58. Never underestimate your power to change yourself 59. Never overestimate your power to change others 60. Get in shape & stay that way 61. Dont burn bridges. You'll be surprised how many times you have to cross the same river 62. Keep expectations high 63. Accept pain & disappointment as part of life 64. See problems as opportunities for growth & self-mastery 65. Don't expect life to be fair 66. Hear both sides before judging 67. Refrain from envy, it's the source of much unhappiness 68. Don't delay acting on a good idea. Chances are someone else has just thought of it, too. Success comes to the one who acts first 69. Live your life so that your epitaph could read no regrets 70. Be bold & courageous. When you look back on your life, you'll regret the things you didn't do more than the ones you did 71. Never waste an opportunity to tell someone you love them 72. Evaluate yourself by your own standards, not someone else's 73. Be there when people need you 74. Don't let anyone talk you out of pursuing what you know to be a great idea 75. Know when to be silent 76. Know when to speak up 77. Remember that no one makes it alone. Have a grateful heart & be quick to acknowledge those who help you 78. Take charge of your attitude. Don't let someone else choose it for you 79. Pay attention to the details 80. Be loyal 81. Understand that happiness is not based on possessions, power, or prestige, but on the relationships with people you love & respect 82. Don't let your possessions possess you 83. Begin each day with your favorite music 84. Be enthusiastic about the success of others (WTG!) ; ) 85. Don't procrastinate, do what needs doing when it needs to be done 86. Do more than expected 87. Don't allow self-pity. The moment this emotion strikes, do something nice for someone less fortunate than you 88. Make a list of 25 things you want to experience before you die. Carry it in your wallet & refer to it often 89. Every person that you meet knows something you don't. Learn from them 90. Laugh a lot. A good sense of humor cures almost all of life's ills 91. Don't use time or words carelessly, neither can be retrieved 92. Don't miss the magic of the moment by focusing on whats to come 93. Don't be rushed into making an important decision 94. Don't make the same mistake twice (wow...shouldn't we KNOW this by now??) 95. Become someones hero (I know who mine is!) 96. After you've worked hard to get what you want, take the time to enjoy it 97. Take life one step at a time (even if it's a limp) 98. Dont worry about tomorrow, just make it through today 99. Do what you can, with what you have, where you are (My Dad taught me that one LY MI) 100. Live the present! It's irreplaceable!!
February 01, 2006
Scary Stuff
So the doc called yesterday...or rather, his nurse. I answered the phone and she says, "Hey Mary, he wanted me to tell you that the surgery is set for March 1st, and you'll come in to see him on Feb. 21st and he'll explain everything to you then! See ya later, BYE!"
Ummmm!! WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wanted to scream in the phone!!! STOP STOP STOP! I don't want to DO THIS ANYMORE! Now that there's an actual DATE on this thing, now that this is actually HAPPENING, it's FREAKING ME OUT!!! The surgery itself doesn't bug me that much...I mean sure, who WANTS to be knocked out and sliced and diced? OK, I'm sure there are some of you out there who would sign up for that voluntarily, but this chick ain't one of em! But what I'm really freaking about is that this is the beginning of the whole THING. The surgeries and recoveries and well.....the UNKNOWN. See, right now, I KNOW what my limitations are. I KNOW what I can and can't do. I know exactly when to take a pain pill so that I can get through the day. But once all this stuff starts, I'm clueless. And THAT, my friends, leaves me out of control. And while I know that I just need to leave it God's hands and the docs hands...I DO NOT like being out of control of my own body and limitations.
So...here I am. Sitting here at the computer typing away thinking about a surgery that will take place exactly a month from today. And I'm scared. And I don't readily admit that often. I like to pride myself on being a strong person. Being the one that everyone can turn to in their time of need. Being the one that people can look to and say, "Look how brave she is!" And I'm feeling like a failure.
Lately, I've had to face a lot of things that have made me afraid. Not AFRAID exactly, but have put me completely out of my comfort zone. To be honest, the past month has been nothing but non-comfort-zone-ish for me. I've had to make some huge choices that were sad, exciting and scary that have been completely nervewracking. And I'm NOT used to that at all. I'm used to saying, NO...let someone ELSE make that choice. But someone pointed out to me recently that maybe it's because I'm getting these surgeries done, and because I'm living in a new house and have new friends and all these "new" things going on that maybe this is the start of a NEW ME. So, maybe this is my way of doing some new things. Like making tough choices that affected not only me but other people as well, and just about broke my heart. And doing things for myself that 6 months or a year ago I wouldn't have even DREAMT of doing! And decided FOR MYSELF that I was going to go ahead with a surgery that isn't guaranteed to work, but might give me a chance to prolong another surgery.
So...I'm just making choices. Tough ones, each in their own way. And I'm scared. Hard for me to say it, but here I am in front of all of you saying it. And that in itself is scary too. But hell, I'm on a roll.
Love to all always,
Mare
Ummmm!! WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wanted to scream in the phone!!! STOP STOP STOP! I don't want to DO THIS ANYMORE! Now that there's an actual DATE on this thing, now that this is actually HAPPENING, it's FREAKING ME OUT!!! The surgery itself doesn't bug me that much...I mean sure, who WANTS to be knocked out and sliced and diced? OK, I'm sure there are some of you out there who would sign up for that voluntarily, but this chick ain't one of em! But what I'm really freaking about is that this is the beginning of the whole THING. The surgeries and recoveries and well.....the UNKNOWN. See, right now, I KNOW what my limitations are. I KNOW what I can and can't do. I know exactly when to take a pain pill so that I can get through the day. But once all this stuff starts, I'm clueless. And THAT, my friends, leaves me out of control. And while I know that I just need to leave it God's hands and the docs hands...I DO NOT like being out of control of my own body and limitations.
So...here I am. Sitting here at the computer typing away thinking about a surgery that will take place exactly a month from today. And I'm scared. And I don't readily admit that often. I like to pride myself on being a strong person. Being the one that everyone can turn to in their time of need. Being the one that people can look to and say, "Look how brave she is!" And I'm feeling like a failure.
Lately, I've had to face a lot of things that have made me afraid. Not AFRAID exactly, but have put me completely out of my comfort zone. To be honest, the past month has been nothing but non-comfort-zone-ish for me. I've had to make some huge choices that were sad, exciting and scary that have been completely nervewracking. And I'm NOT used to that at all. I'm used to saying, NO...let someone ELSE make that choice. But someone pointed out to me recently that maybe it's because I'm getting these surgeries done, and because I'm living in a new house and have new friends and all these "new" things going on that maybe this is the start of a NEW ME. So, maybe this is my way of doing some new things. Like making tough choices that affected not only me but other people as well, and just about broke my heart. And doing things for myself that 6 months or a year ago I wouldn't have even DREAMT of doing! And decided FOR MYSELF that I was going to go ahead with a surgery that isn't guaranteed to work, but might give me a chance to prolong another surgery.
So...I'm just making choices. Tough ones, each in their own way. And I'm scared. Hard for me to say it, but here I am in front of all of you saying it. And that in itself is scary too. But hell, I'm on a roll.
Love to all always,
Mare
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