My mind is jumbled. And I really have no idea how to explain that. Except to just say that it's jumbled with different thoughts. Of all different aspects of my life right now. The past...the present...and the future. Here are a few updates.
My teeth adventure is well underway. I'd say about 2-3 more weeks and I'll have my brand new smile. Meanwhile...I've lost a nice bit of weight seeing that I can only eat a tiny amount of food.
Mom is doing great...feeling great...looking great. That's great news. The other night, however, she got a little down. We were sitting out on the back porch and she said, "I think this cancer is going to kill me." That hit me like a ton of bricks. She talked to me about statistics. About Stage 4 breast cancer and about the possibilities of it becoming "immune" to the drugs that they give her. I didn't want to hear any of it. But I haven't been hearing any of it for 4 years. And here we are...Episode 3. I better start listening if I want to accept any of this. But a part of me is holding out for a miracle. Those still happen, don't they?
When I look at my future, I realize that if I want to move forward, I have to let go of my past...or at least certain parts of it...and that scares me. Makes me freeze. But slowly but surely...I'm letting go. And it feels ok. Scary...and sometimes sad...but sometimes good and ok. And when I think of what the future may hold, I can even feel some excitement. And when I look at what's right in front of my face...even though at first it scares me...and I want to say, no...this can't happen now...I want time to stand still...I want to STAY in my bubble of nothingness...I look at what's in front of me, and I say, ok...I can do this...I can get excited and be ok. It's OKAY to be excited about my life. It's OKAY to be a little bit afraid, but still keep moving ahead. Maybe that makes no sense...this is where things get all jumbled. I could get all specific...but then it would be even MORE jumbled. Ha...leave it to MareBear to go on a rant that makes no sense. All I'm saying is that things are happening for me...feelings are happening for me...and they are scary...but they are okay too. And for the first time in over a year and a half...I'm actually starting to look FORWARD to waking up in the morning. I made that promise to myself when I was first diagnosed with this screwed up disease. I made a promise that no matter what...I would get up out of bed every single morning. And I have kept that promise. But until now, that promise has been kept only because it has been that...a promise that needed to be fulfilled. Every morning, when I opened my eyes, I had to remind myself of that promise and drag myself out of bed. But lately...an amazing thing has happened. I've opened my eyes in the morning and gotten out of bed with a smile on my face because of hope...because of reasons other than a "have to" pull out of bed. And honestly...I should be jumping for joy (figuratively speaking). But I suppose that with everything that's gone on...I'm wondering when the proverbial axe is going to fall. Luckily though...that axe thought is in the back of my mind...and I'm not focusing on that as much as I may have a few years ago.
So...here I go...getting out of bed...kicking ass and taking names. I'm going to take my life on...scary or not. Because if I don't...what am I going to write about?
June 28, 2006
June 18, 2006
Ahhh...Good Stuff
Well, Mom had her surgery this past Wednesday after being in the hospital for a few days fighting some bad upper respiratory ICK. She was very ill for those few days, and we were all very concerned about her, but the docs decided she was A-OK to go ahead with the double masectomy. So...after waiting all day, they took her in at 3:15 Wednesday afternoon and she was out and back in her room by 6:30. Her doc pulled us out into the hall to talk to us about the surgery. It went as perfect as it could have gone. He didn't have to go into the muscle at all, her margins looked clean, and there was nothing that they could see in the right breast! YEEE HAWWW! How great is that?!?! He said that she would recover extremely fast. And BOY has she. By the next morning she was chowing down on regular food, practically throwing her arms over her head, asking the docs if they wanted her to attempt a headstand, and said she felt better than she did BEFORE the surgery! I cannot begin to tell you what a relief it all has been for us. Especially Mom...who is so glad to have that cancer off her body.
As for me, tomorrow morning I'm going to call and make my appointments to get the ball rolling on my teeth adventure. Now that Mom has had her surgery, I've got the green light to go ahead and get my stuff taken care of again. So...here we go again.
There's something to be said for making new friends. That's an adventure in itself. A discovery of sorts. I've made a few new friends over the past couple of years. Some of them have become true and forever friends. Some of them have come and gone and left their mark on my life. The thing about friendships...and not just friendships, but the interaction between one human being and another...it's an interesting and complex thing. If you aren't open to listening...if you aren't open to being understanding, then forget making friendships. Or be ready to make superficial ones. Lately, I've been thinking about being "real" with a person. Not being someone you aren't. Someone recently used the example of: If someone tells you that they love a certain ice cream, all of a sudden you find yourself saying you love it too...even though you may not really give a damn either way. Why do we do that? I'm guessing because we are afraid of those parts of us that are not glamorous...the parts of us that may not be in "sync" with that other person. So, we adlib along the way...making these new friendships, or even sustaining current ones...to impress and "keep alive" the facade. But...if we stop...if we make ourselves "raw" again...REAL...then when we make friends...or revel in the friendships or relationships we currently have as our REAL selves...then there isn't anything to be afraid of anymore. There isn't that facade. The barriers are down. Sure, it makes us more vulnerable...and I guess that's why we do it in the first place, right? To hide our insecurities and vulnerability. But when we let go of that...when we just LET GO...wow. It can be so TRUE. The bond that you can build with someone can be so real and unbreakable. No walls...just evoking emotions that are hard to deal with at first. But practice makes perfect. The key is to never abandon yourself for the sake of others. If someone doesn't love you for who you REALLY are...and ALL of who you really are, then they don't deserve to love you. End of it.
Alright, so there's my tangent for the day. Go out and make new friends and be raw and real with them and just see what happens. You may just find you make a friend that is more true and real than you've ever had in your life. And what can beat that? Maybe peanut butter and chocolate ice cream...but you don't have to love it just because I do.
As for me, tomorrow morning I'm going to call and make my appointments to get the ball rolling on my teeth adventure. Now that Mom has had her surgery, I've got the green light to go ahead and get my stuff taken care of again. So...here we go again.
There's something to be said for making new friends. That's an adventure in itself. A discovery of sorts. I've made a few new friends over the past couple of years. Some of them have become true and forever friends. Some of them have come and gone and left their mark on my life. The thing about friendships...and not just friendships, but the interaction between one human being and another...it's an interesting and complex thing. If you aren't open to listening...if you aren't open to being understanding, then forget making friendships. Or be ready to make superficial ones. Lately, I've been thinking about being "real" with a person. Not being someone you aren't. Someone recently used the example of: If someone tells you that they love a certain ice cream, all of a sudden you find yourself saying you love it too...even though you may not really give a damn either way. Why do we do that? I'm guessing because we are afraid of those parts of us that are not glamorous...the parts of us that may not be in "sync" with that other person. So, we adlib along the way...making these new friendships, or even sustaining current ones...to impress and "keep alive" the facade. But...if we stop...if we make ourselves "raw" again...REAL...then when we make friends...or revel in the friendships or relationships we currently have as our REAL selves...then there isn't anything to be afraid of anymore. There isn't that facade. The barriers are down. Sure, it makes us more vulnerable...and I guess that's why we do it in the first place, right? To hide our insecurities and vulnerability. But when we let go of that...when we just LET GO...wow. It can be so TRUE. The bond that you can build with someone can be so real and unbreakable. No walls...just evoking emotions that are hard to deal with at first. But practice makes perfect. The key is to never abandon yourself for the sake of others. If someone doesn't love you for who you REALLY are...and ALL of who you really are, then they don't deserve to love you. End of it.
Alright, so there's my tangent for the day. Go out and make new friends and be raw and real with them and just see what happens. You may just find you make a friend that is more true and real than you've ever had in your life. And what can beat that? Maybe peanut butter and chocolate ice cream...but you don't have to love it just because I do.
June 09, 2006
Back In The Bowl
For those of you who haven't been getting my email updates, Mom did NOT have her surgery on Monday. We are the champions of postponed and cancelled surgeries around here. She developed a pretty ugly cough which then turned into a rather bad case of "the crud" the night before her surgery. So, we woke up Monday morning, and not only was MOM really sick, but so was Grandma Lynda. So while Dad was taking Mom to the hospital to get IV antibiotics, I was taking Grandma L to the Urgent Care Clinic to get HER some antibiotics. So for the past week, we've been doctoring the gals and making sure they are rested up because NOW the surgery is rescheduled for THIS Monday. Unless the bird flu or anthrax finds its way into our household. OK...you know what. I really should not be saying things like that. Knowing MY family's luck....... Mom and Grandma L are feeling much better than they did a few days ago. I even caught them out pulling weeds in the yard for a couple of hours yesterday...oh yeah...WELL on their way to recovery.
As for me...I'm doing ok. And by "ok" I mean that I am just mentally putting one foot in front of the other. And I'm managing to do it without breaking something valuable. Several things have gone on personally for me that have been both good and bad lately. And as I don't like to ALL the time get into too much personal stuffs especially if it has to do with someone else...I will just leave it as this.
Yesterday was a special day for me...not many people know why...and to anyone other than myself and a select few...it doesn't matter why. What matters is that it made me think about a lot of things. It made me think of how far I'd come...with a lot of help and love...to believe in myself again. Because several years ago, I was completely empty. I didn't think that another living soul on the planet would ever love me. And I don't mean that I would have one of those "PMS" moments where I'd cry and scream, "NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME!!" No...I truly believed it. You see, a long time ago, someone made me believe that. Someone made me believe that I wasn't worth the shit on the bottom of someone's shoe. And it was drilled into my brain so many times and with so much force that I actually started to believe it. I believed that I had nothing to offer. I had zero confidence in myself. I was scared of the world. But then an amazing thing happened. One day...love, belief, confidence, hope, strength and safety found me. Walked right in my door and made me speechless. See, people come into your life for a reason. Six years later and I believe in myself again. I can hope again. I can love again...and most importantly BE loved again. And while life changes and people change and circumstances change...one thing always remains the same....
When someone touches your life, they leave an imprint on your heart. Sometimes that imprint can hurt like a bruise and needs love and caring to heal it...but it always remains. And sometimes...the imprint is that of truth and strength and hope and above all...love. And when the people who leave these kinds of imprints come into your lives, they remain in your heart long after they are gone. It's a cycle of healing and loving and leaving imprints. So, just know that no matter how short of a time you are in a person's life...you are leaving an imprint. Make sure you are leaving the right one. You just may be healing a bruise...you just may be strengthening a spirit...you just may be mending a broken heart...you just may be restoring hope.
Some imprints are deep...all are everlasting...few are genuine and pure love.
As for me...I'm doing ok. And by "ok" I mean that I am just mentally putting one foot in front of the other. And I'm managing to do it without breaking something valuable. Several things have gone on personally for me that have been both good and bad lately. And as I don't like to ALL the time get into too much personal stuffs especially if it has to do with someone else...I will just leave it as this.
Yesterday was a special day for me...not many people know why...and to anyone other than myself and a select few...it doesn't matter why. What matters is that it made me think about a lot of things. It made me think of how far I'd come...with a lot of help and love...to believe in myself again. Because several years ago, I was completely empty. I didn't think that another living soul on the planet would ever love me. And I don't mean that I would have one of those "PMS" moments where I'd cry and scream, "NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME!!" No...I truly believed it. You see, a long time ago, someone made me believe that. Someone made me believe that I wasn't worth the shit on the bottom of someone's shoe. And it was drilled into my brain so many times and with so much force that I actually started to believe it. I believed that I had nothing to offer. I had zero confidence in myself. I was scared of the world. But then an amazing thing happened. One day...love, belief, confidence, hope, strength and safety found me. Walked right in my door and made me speechless. See, people come into your life for a reason. Six years later and I believe in myself again. I can hope again. I can love again...and most importantly BE loved again. And while life changes and people change and circumstances change...one thing always remains the same....
When someone touches your life, they leave an imprint on your heart. Sometimes that imprint can hurt like a bruise and needs love and caring to heal it...but it always remains. And sometimes...the imprint is that of truth and strength and hope and above all...love. And when the people who leave these kinds of imprints come into your lives, they remain in your heart long after they are gone. It's a cycle of healing and loving and leaving imprints. So, just know that no matter how short of a time you are in a person's life...you are leaving an imprint. Make sure you are leaving the right one. You just may be healing a bruise...you just may be strengthening a spirit...you just may be mending a broken heart...you just may be restoring hope.
Some imprints are deep...all are everlasting...few are genuine and pure love.
June 03, 2006
Some Things
First off, an update...
Mom is having a double masectomy on Monday. She's not going to have reconstruction right now because it would just be too tough of a surgery and recovery for her at the moment. She and the docs will revisit that in about 6 months to a year. Grandma Lynda is coming up here to stay with us and help Mom while she recovers. Mom has talked with me a little bit about how she's feeling, but I can't imagine really how she feels. How it must feel to lose something that is part of your femininity. We actually haven't talked too much about the cancer. I guess you could say I'm not handling this very well. We keep joking that I can only take this in "bits and pieces, bits and pieces." I will keep everyone posted on how she is doing.
I had 2 more teeth pulled on Wednesday and one filled that they are leaving in. Because Mom is having her surgery so soon, we are having to put off the rest of the extractions for a few weeks. I feel a bit like a hillbilly walking around with so many teeth gone out of my head. Definitely won't be eating steak for a while.
Other things...
It absolutely AMAZES me how one minute you think you know someone and the next minute they turn around and show you that you didn't know them one single itsy bitsy bit. When someone tells you and SHOWS you that they are a true friend...trust me when I say that you still need to keep your eyes open. The world is full of people with double standards.
Also...what has HAPPENED to women these days??? OK...I know that I am a woman. And I used to be a jealous woman. Yeah, I was one of "those" women. And I can sit here and give you a mighty damn good reason for it, but really, it wouldn't matter. Because I was lucky enough to get the hell over it a few years ago. And when I say get over it...I mean that I got over it and now I am ANTI-BITCHY-JEALOUS-MAN-HATING-HOLIER-THAN-THOU-THINKS-SHE-RULES-THE-MALE-SPECIES-WOMAN. I mean, granted...I can get an attitude when called for, but REALLY...CHILL THE HELL OUT girls!!! Let me have a word with you. There is NO reason that you have to know every detail of your
boyfriend's/date's/husband's/fiance's/lover's/pimp's/homey's/fella's
EX - girlfriends/dates/wife or wives/fiancee/lovers/hoes/homeys/gals
whatsoever. Not only was he probably a different guy with them, but you probably do not WANT to know that she was WORSE or BETTER
on a date/with money/cooking food/communicating/looking/
AND ESPECIALLY...........IN BED!!!!!
So you know what?? LEAVE IT ALONE! He's with YOU now! As long as he's not showing up with lipstick on his collar...shut the hell up. Who CARES how many chicks he's been with as long as he's CLEAN. That's what matters in this day and age. Seriously. If you open a can of worms about his emotional feelings with his ex "whatevers" then all you're doing is comparing YOURSELF to that person. HE most likely is not constantly comparing you to her. If he was...he would BE with her. Not with you. Now...don't hate me for saying all of that ladies. I am NOT by any means saying that you can't share your hurts over past relationships. The MAJOR issues like WHY you broke up and such things like that. Sharing such things are a part of being with someone...but ONLY if each of you WANT to share such things. If he WANTS to share, then by all means...yippee freaking skippee. It's actually NOT required believe it or not. But DETAILS don't need to be brought up and for some strange reason, women like to torment themselves by wanting to know ALL the details about their men's past lives. The past is the past and that's where it stays. It doesn't need to be drudged up over and over again. Let it friggin' BE and save yourselves some heartache girls. OH...and another thing. If you find yourselves plotting ways to "rescue" or "change" your man within the first 6 months of knowing him. Give it the hell up.
OK...I feel a little bit better now I think.
Mom is having a double masectomy on Monday. She's not going to have reconstruction right now because it would just be too tough of a surgery and recovery for her at the moment. She and the docs will revisit that in about 6 months to a year. Grandma Lynda is coming up here to stay with us and help Mom while she recovers. Mom has talked with me a little bit about how she's feeling, but I can't imagine really how she feels. How it must feel to lose something that is part of your femininity. We actually haven't talked too much about the cancer. I guess you could say I'm not handling this very well. We keep joking that I can only take this in "bits and pieces, bits and pieces." I will keep everyone posted on how she is doing.
I had 2 more teeth pulled on Wednesday and one filled that they are leaving in. Because Mom is having her surgery so soon, we are having to put off the rest of the extractions for a few weeks. I feel a bit like a hillbilly walking around with so many teeth gone out of my head. Definitely won't be eating steak for a while.
Other things...
It absolutely AMAZES me how one minute you think you know someone and the next minute they turn around and show you that you didn't know them one single itsy bitsy bit. When someone tells you and SHOWS you that they are a true friend...trust me when I say that you still need to keep your eyes open. The world is full of people with double standards.
Also...what has HAPPENED to women these days??? OK...I know that I am a woman. And I used to be a jealous woman. Yeah, I was one of "those" women. And I can sit here and give you a mighty damn good reason for it, but really, it wouldn't matter. Because I was lucky enough to get the hell over it a few years ago. And when I say get over it...I mean that I got over it and now I am ANTI-BITCHY-JEALOUS-MAN-HATING-HOLIER-THAN-THOU-THINKS-SHE-RULES-THE-MALE-SPECIES-WOMAN. I mean, granted...I can get an attitude when called for, but REALLY...CHILL THE HELL OUT girls!!! Let me have a word with you. There is NO reason that you have to know every detail of your
boyfriend's/date's/husband's/fiance's/lover's/pimp's/homey's/fella's
EX - girlfriends/dates/wife or wives/fiancee/lovers/hoes/homeys/gals
whatsoever. Not only was he probably a different guy with them, but you probably do not WANT to know that she was WORSE or BETTER
on a date/with money/cooking food/communicating/looking/
AND ESPECIALLY...........IN BED!!!!!
So you know what?? LEAVE IT ALONE! He's with YOU now! As long as he's not showing up with lipstick on his collar...shut the hell up. Who CARES how many chicks he's been with as long as he's CLEAN. That's what matters in this day and age. Seriously. If you open a can of worms about his emotional feelings with his ex "whatevers" then all you're doing is comparing YOURSELF to that person. HE most likely is not constantly comparing you to her. If he was...he would BE with her. Not with you. Now...don't hate me for saying all of that ladies. I am NOT by any means saying that you can't share your hurts over past relationships. The MAJOR issues like WHY you broke up and such things like that. Sharing such things are a part of being with someone...but ONLY if each of you WANT to share such things. If he WANTS to share, then by all means...yippee freaking skippee. It's actually NOT required believe it or not. But DETAILS don't need to be brought up and for some strange reason, women like to torment themselves by wanting to know ALL the details about their men's past lives. The past is the past and that's where it stays. It doesn't need to be drudged up over and over again. Let it friggin' BE and save yourselves some heartache girls. OH...and another thing. If you find yourselves plotting ways to "rescue" or "change" your man within the first 6 months of knowing him. Give it the hell up.
OK...I feel a little bit better now I think.
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