Ants Marching

I will never forget the first time I got drunk. I remember it so well because it happened on the same night that I went to my first "real" concert (we are SO not counting New Kids on the Block) and the same night that I had my first cigarette. OK...the same night I had my first 20 cigarettes. I was 14 years old and was back in Birmingham for the first time after moving to Texas. We were going to go see Dave Matthews Band at the Oak Mountain Amphitheater. This was back in the day when they still had "the lawn" and that's where WE were going to sit! Hell yeah. "The lawn," for those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, is basically a big grassy area above all of the seats in the amphitheater that you still have to pay to get a spot in, but you can freely mull about in. Sit wherever you want to. Get up and dance around. Act like a fool. Drink and form conga lines 20 people long. Spread blankets out and have a picnic while you enjoy the beauty of drunkeness and music. "The lawn" RULED!!! It was also where 14 year olds got college boys to buy them beer and give them cigarettes and the cops couldn't keep up with it. Needless to say..."the lawn" is no longer there. It has been filled in with more seats. *Sigh* Anyway...here was the crew...Mary Ann (my best friend), Frank, Jeremy, Matt, and Beth. Frank's dad and his friend drove us there in Frank's dad's car. All of us...in one car. Not a van...a car...a little BMW car. Keep that in mind for later. So we get there and Frank's dad and friend head backstage because the lucky dogs had passes...leaving us kids free to go wild by ourselves. Beth...the smart gal...had brought a water bottle full of vodka that we proceeded to chug before even entering the gates. *Note - To this day vodka is still my favorite booze.* Once inside we made our way to the lawn and found a prime spot. We could see the stage relatively well...we were close to friendly and already smashed college dudes...we were far away from cops...we were close to beer stands. Sweet. The next 3 hours were a blur of beer, cigarettes, and at one point I took off my shirt only to have Jeremy dive over me and put his shirt on me to keep me from totally losing my ever loving mind...or anything else for that matter. DMB totally rocked the house and by the end of the concert I found myself laid out on the lawn with my eyes closed hands laid out beside me and someone stepped on my hand. I opened my eyes. Matt was staring at me and light was bright above his head. For a moment...I thought that maybe I had died and Matt was God. Then...I realized that a cop was the one who had stepped on my hand. MMmmmmmk. Gotta get up now. Luckily for me, there were about 1000 other 14 year old drunk girls there, so he just told me to get up and leave. Not so luckily for me...Frank's dad and his friend were equally tanked. But did that stop him from taking 6 kids home in the back of his itty bitty BMW car? PFFT!! NO WAY MAN!! Where's your sense of adVENTURE?!?!? Managing this task required having everyone squeeze into the backseat and have me sit on Mary Ann's lap with my legs across everyone else. It was great fun until I heard sirens behind us. I freaked the flip OUT!!!!! I just knew I was about to be arrested for public drunkeness and my parents were still in Texas and they'd lock me up in Alabama forever and I'd never see them again and I wonder if that guy from Auburn really thought I was cute or if he was just really drunk oh but who cares I'm about to be thrown in the slammer and become some Big Bertha's Bitch and never see the light of day again! At this point I'm flailing my arms and I punched Mary Ann's nose. She screams. And then I saw the fire truck roar past. Frank's dad pulled into the nearest gas station to assess the situation in the backseat. He literally had to open the door and pull me out by grabbing me under my arms. He set me down on the curb at the gas station. I looked over at Mary Ann and her nose was bleeding. Man...I did that. I looked down at the ground ashamed of myself. I saw ants crawling by the curb. Ants. Ants marching. ANTS MARCHING!! Oh my gosh!! Dave Matthews sings Ants Marching!!! This was a profound situation!!! I had discovered something incredibly meaningful and hilarious and I was cracking up so hard I could barely breathe. Mary Ann, however, did not seem to find the humor in it. Hmm.

When all was said and done, I was incredibly sick for most of the night and had a MAJOR hangover the next morning. One of those, "I will NEVER drink another drop of alcohol again!" hangovers. Ha...ha...HA! Fun times! Now the Oak Mountain Amphitheater is the Verizon Wireless something or other...and there is no "lawn." I have not seen Dave Matthews since. But I have seen vodka.

Rock on Dave...keep those ants marching.

The Time Has Come My Friends...For More Fabulous Randomness

My new smile rocks the ever lovin' hizzouse. Please refer to the post below. I attempted to eat McDonald's french fries tonight. My first real food since getting my teeth. (Send me stuff) And ohhhh man it felt weird. But ohhhh man were those fries good.

I got yet ANOTHER new cell phone today because...ok...this may take a minute to explain...bear with me. Mom and I were trying to jump off her car battery...and see, what happened was...I put my cell phone on the front bumper of my car while I was acting like a professional mechanic and hooking up the jumper cables. Then I realized that I hadn't pulled up to her car close enough. So I went and got in my car...with the hood still up...to pull it a little bit closer. Needless to say, I backed up a little bit...and my phone fell off....hard. Mom picked it up before I ran back over it, so I didn't think much of it at the time, but later on I went to call someone because ALAS I realized that I was NOT a professional mechanic and ALAS I could NOT do something as simple as jump off a friggin car. So when I went to call someone...the phone dialed, but I couldn't HEAR anything!!! ARGH! Well, we can't have that, now can we? So...I had to go searching all over the place for a new phone...and since obviously I've had so much trouble with Motorola phones lately (DON'T send me stuff!) I opted for a Samsung. So far...so good. But I've only had it one night. Oh yeah...and mom's battery is still dead. Don't call me if you need any help with your car...unless you have a flat tire in the desert...THAT I can do.

I can drink a gallon of skim milk in 2 days by myself. One if I'm low on Vaults. Milk...it does a body good.

When faced with adversity of any kind...Put your big girl panties on and freakin' deal with it already. And if it's something REALLY big...........go commando and be PROUD!

Sometimes...and I really want YOU to pay attention here. Sometimes...what's right in front of you is what you're not looking at. Sometimes...you have to risk being afraid in order to exist beyond mediocrity. Sometimes...what you're looking so hard to find...has been there all along or is right there within arms reach.

Read any good books lately? Me either. Don't fret my friends. I'm on it.

Lance Bass is gay....LANCE BASS IS GAY! I can finally rest my weary head now. I can finally sleep a full night now. No more tossing and turning. No more sleepless nights of wondering if my favorite N'SYNC member's sexual preference would ever become national-public-hysterical-insane-news. Lance Bass is gay. Let's all have a moment of silence shall we? Mmmm k.

I am seriously becoming addicted to poker. Watching it...not playing it. Is there a support group for that?

I see girls these days that are 10 years old and younger walking around with shorts that are literally showing the bottom of their asses. OK? I'm serious. And walking around with their little halter tops and makeup and crap like that. Maybe I'm just getting OLD or something. But when I was that age...my momma would have slapped the SHIT out of me if I walked out of my house looking like that. Let alone BOUGHT me that stuff. And here I see mothers taking their daughters to buy this stuff. Ummm. I guess I could go off on this for days...and I mean, I'm sure there are bigger battles to fight...but JEEZ OH PETE!!! Put some clothes on the child.

I wonder if therapy dogs look at normal dogs and say, "You lazy ass...get a job."

Those few french fries were like filet mignon after not eating anything for 4 days.

Da New Toofs

Well the day has finally arrived! The day I have been waiting for since...well, since I don't know when. I finally have my perfect smile! It's been a LONG and PAINFUL road...but I've finally reached the light at the end of the tunnel so to speak. Monday afternoon the dentist pulled the last TEN teeth...yeah...that's right TEN teeth all at once. It was quite rough, probably the worst extraction process I've been through so far. I ended up with 3 stitches and swollen lips, but also...a mouth full of gorgeous, straight, perfect, white teeth!!!!!!!! Here it is Wednesday night, and I am still in quite a bit of pain, and there is still quite a bit of swelling on the inside of my mouth. Oh...and sometimes it's a little difficult to understand what I'm saying. It's like trying to talk around 2 big retainers in my mouth. The dentist told me I should practice reading from magazines or something out loud until I get my speech back. So much for me being a professional singer, huh?? Ahhh...but it's all worth it every time I look in the mirror and see these beautiful pearly whites. Yeah...I'm bragging. And yeah...I'm gonna show em off. Here ya go!!

The Visit With The Fam

Okie dokie...I just got back from B'ham and visited with the fam. I got to see my sweet Elizabeth Grace and her mommy Aimes!! YAY! She's gotten SO big!!! Elizabeth Grace...not Aimes! Aimes is beautiful as always. I also got to visit with my Uncle Jim, Aunt Karen, Dadoo and G Funk. It was a great week, and I loved seeing everyone. I know this is a short post, but I wanted to put some pics up here of Miss Elizabeth and Aimes. So here ya go!!!

My View On Rain

I can honestly say that for the first time in my life I've reached the point where I feel like I have some sort of grasp on what I want. Meaning...what I want for myself in terms of life, love...everything. And yes, I'm sure that those things will change...ebb and flow, but the basic principles have been formed. And I believe that I can chalk that up to the fact that I have been sitting on my tush for a year and a half now........thinking. And thinking.....and umm...thinking some more. I guess I am wanting to rant a little about love...or the pursuit of it...or maybe not love exactly...but companionship. Because really...who really WANTS to be alone? I mean, sure...we all want to be by ourselves sometimes. Some of us more than others. But who wants to be alone? Not me. I know people...ok, a lot of people that can't stand to be single for one moment. The second they break up with someone, they are immediately in a new relationship. I'm not talking about dating around. I'm talking they are in a committed serious relationship....immediately. Not even a month goes by. There's some "alone" issues for ya. But we all want love...or more specifically to BE loved. And I can't say this for the guys out there, but I know for us girls...we want that butterfly feeling. But that doesn't really cover it. We want that rush...we want that feeling that every time you are near us the air is a little more electric. We want our toes to curl just a little bit with that kiss. Think that only happens in high school? Think again. And you know what? SCREW that whole thing about "you don't have to have that to have a great relationship." You know what? OK...no, you don't HAVE to have it. But it sure as hell is nice. I just don't understand why we get so caught up in the psychology of it all. I'm guilty of it myself. And it's good to keep your eyes open. It's good to know what you're getting yourself into. But whatever happened to good ole feelings? "They" say that things never happen like they do in the movies...you know, those frantic scenes where the guy grabs the girl in the pouring down rain and kisses her. She thought he didn't care about her...but all along he was madly in love with her. Or maybe they just couldn't keep their hands off each other. Well, why the hell CAN'T it happen like that? That's what I want to know. I want to know what happened to us. I want to know what happened when we "grew up." Why it became "foolish" for us to think about kissing in the rain. Why it became silly for men to be romantic and say sweet things to women. I want to know when relationships, dating, marraige, men and women became a damn GAME. That's what I want to know. It's become jealousy and mistrust and the grass may be greener on the other side. So many people have hardened their hearts. No one wants to kiss in the rain anymore. It's all about insecurities and where it will lead and what better thing may come along. Whatever. I'm dunzo. The game sucks. I just want a best friend who will kiss in the rain and not make fun of me if I snort when I laugh at some silly joke...and may even laugh with me. I'm not going to change my views on it just because some "grown up" wants to tell me that it's not realistic. There are still kisses in the rain to be had. I can wait.

Ponder This You Philosophical Geniuses

Can you really wake up one morning and decide that you are just going to turn everything around? Can you just decide in one instant that you are going to start over? Can you just make up your mind to "just do it?" I mean...all the self-help books out there SAY that you can. All the motivational speakers out there say "it's never too late!!" or "your life can BEGIN TODAY!" So...what are we waiting for? Why can't we all just wake up every morning and say TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF MY NEW LIFE!!!! It sure does sound good. See, I used to make lists...lots and lots of really good looking lists because I was going to DO things. I even read BOOKS that were filled with lists just because I liked to look at them. Lists made me feel good. Some days, I never did a single thing on my list. But making the list was the part that thrilled me. That's what made me feel like I was doing something. But you can have notebooks filled with To-Do lists and never get anything done. You can plan yourself a great future and still be sitting at your computer desk planning it in 10 years. Sure...it LOOKS great. Sounds great. May even be a GREAT PLAN. But until you get your ever lovin' ass in gear.........ain't nuttin gonna happen baby.

I want to go back to school. I want to write that book that I've been talking about for...oh...forever. I want to make more friends. I want to make some MONEY. I want to travel. I want to go snorkeling. I want to quit smoking. I want to be even CLOSER to my family...ALL of them. I want just a little bit of romance...a little sweepage off my feet. I want someone to tell me every once in a while that I mean something to them. I want to finish decorating my room. I want to start sending people REAL mail...not just email. I want to get off this computer and do something.

So there's a list for you. Some of those things I can get up and do right now...some of them will take a while...and some of them, well...I'll need a little help with. But my whole point is, I do think that we can all kind of "just do it." We can all wipe the slate clean and decide that we are going to just get out there and Git R Done. Maybe not the way that you necessarily want to. Maybe not the way that you had planned. And DEFINITELY not as fast as you want to. But you can get some of that list done if you just put one foot in front of the other instead of standing still.

Oh, and one little thing...if you find that your mouth is running faster than your feet...complaining about every little THING...maybe you should shut up and put some of that energy to good use. Maybe write about it or something. That's always helped me.

Peace out homeys!

This is your brain....on Vaults

In the last 4 weeks the average American's consumption of hot dogs should have doubled...just because of my consumption of hot dogs alone. Because really...that's the only meat I can comfortably chew. And I cannot go a full day without consuming some sort of meat. The best kind are the Juicy Jumbos by Bryan. Send me stuff.

I can't bite my nails anymore because it hurts my teeth...so now my nails are kinda long...and pretty. What the hell is that about? Makes me look all girly and stuff. That's weird.

I cut all my hair off. It was long...down to my shoulder blades...now it's up to my chin. OK...so I got hot. Call Anderson.

I watched the first installment of Nightmares and Dreamscapes the other night on TNT. You know...the Stephen King thing. Yeah...I had read the book already. And...I mean...I have read almost EVERYTHING of SK's and enjoyed it...and I've also watched almost everything of his and enjoyed it. As hokey as it may be. However...N and D...this, Stephen, had to be the worst made for TV crap you've ever done. I mean seriously. I was totally disappointed. And it takes a LOT to disappoint me when it comes to visual entertainment. But hey...maybe I was going into the whole thing with high expectations. Whatever. I'll still DVR the next installments and look for some improvements. I mean, I'm not looking for it to live up to the book. I don't think anything that comes from a book and is put on the big or little screen EVER lives up to the original book...but I was thinking that MAYBE it would be somewhat entertaining. Ahh. Nightmares and Dreamscapes? More like Yawns and Snores. Sorry Stephen...ya know I love ya.

I honestly, truly...do not want to have my hip replacement surgery...for many reasons. I am in ignorance overdrive right now. Ignorance is bliss...until my hip starts killing me.

I want to do something out of this world fantastic for my birthday this year...like go to Europe and stay drunk for a week. Or go kangaroo piggy back riding in the Australian outback. Or go to the Bahamas with Denise and our personal masseuse Fredrico (and maybe never come home). Or go to some monastery and learn how to grab the stone from some dude's hand....grasshoppa. Who's with me?? WHO'S WITH ME????

What does it take to invent a new word? Like what avenue do you have to go down to get it in the dictionary and such? Because I want to invent a new word...no...I want to invent a new DICTIONARY. NO...no no no...I want to invent a new language. With punctuation marks and EVERYTHING.

I think each neighborhood should have a "shittiest week" contest. I think that each week you should have this big huge trash can...and every day, every single person in the entire neighborhood has to put a dollar in the trash can. I mean EVERY BODY...that means a dollar for every person in your household. And then...at the end of the week, you have a neighborhood grill out...fun times...burgers...beer. And you all sit around and tell about your week. And whoever had the SHITTIEST week...gets the trash can of money. But if one person gets it...then he can't get it for a whole 6 weeks again...that's the rule...it's only fair...unless he has one WHOPPER of another bad week or something...like he ran over a dog...only to find out that it was a seeing eye dog for his grandma or something...and his grandma couldn't afford another one...and he didn't have the money to buy her another one because he got suspended from his job because he was late for work because he ran over the damn seeing eye dog and killed it...so now he NEEDS the trash can of money CAN'T YOU SEE WHERE I'M GOING WITH THIS PEOPLE?!?!?! We need some community involvement. Some giving. Can't we all just get along? And get paid?


It really is a lot cooler with my hair shorter.

Our Whitney

Last night we had to put our Whitney to sleep. Last week, she had a small seizure that left her weak and unable to get around very well. We took her to the vet a few times and put her on different medications. The vet found a heart murmur and also that she was anemic. Whitney had breast cancer, and we were afraid that the cancer was starting to spread. We had decided that we were going to take Whitney and have her put down today. Well, last night, she had a grand mal seizure. It was so horrible...so sad. She was foaming at the mouth...urinating...for over a full minute. A minute may not seem like a long time to some people...but when you are watching a dog writhe in pain...it's an eternity. When she came out of it she was whimpering and crying in pain and couldn't stand. It was almost like she was looking at us to help her...so we decided to go ahead and take her. It was extremely sad...but at the same time it was such a relief to see her out of pain.

Whitney was with us for about 4 years. We rescued her from a vet who had kept her in a kennel with her mate for over a year. She didn't have any of her front teeth because she had chewed on her cage for so long. She was skittish...hated thunderstorms and loud noises. But she had the sweetest disposition I've ever seen in a dog. And after being locked in a cage for over a year...she could have been the exact opposite and no one could have blamed her. When we would take her her bowl of food to eat, she would turn in circles before we would set it down. It became a game. She was the best snuggler in the whole world..........if you could stand her puppy breath. When we would come home from running errands, she would always greet us at the door, wagging her nub of a tail and make her Chubacca growl/bark at us. The sweetest dog. We will miss her so much.

Have fun chasing Tigger, sweet Whit. We love you.

Randomness...Sort of...Okay...Randomness...but LONG Randomness at some points....Whatever

A part of me always thought that Jack Handey wasn't a real guy...seriously...like right up until just now when my brain said....Hey, I need to put that little part of my brain to rest...so I went and googled just to make sure. *Sigh* Yeah...Jack...sorry about doubting your existence. Love you, man. Really. You're the greatest. Especially now that I know you're....ahem....REAL.

Have you ever gotten up in the morning and said, WOW...I have this feeling that something REALLY big is going to happen to me today? Well, maybe not BIG...but important. Like you wake up feeling ready to go and face your day. In a pretty good mood...and you know you can make things happen. Kind of a "Git-R-Done" attitude. And you just "know" that there's going to be some thing that's going to make this day stand out from the rest. OK so it could be something small. And maybe you won't even recognize what it is until later...maybe even weeks or months later. But you'll look back and say, yeah...that one thing changed me. Of course...if you think about it (oh boy...here comes a tangent...look out!) every day is full of things that change us, mold us, and make us grow. They say that opportunity sometimes knocks very softly. Well, I'd like to add to that that sometimes opportunity doesn't always even use the door...better check the windows and walls and ceilings and floors as well. Yeah, ok...Opportunity comes and finds you sometimes...but I've learned recently that if you want to move forward in your life...if you want things to HAPPEN...sometimes you have to seek OUT opportunity for yourself. Every single day of your life shapes the days of your life after that...there are no exceptions. Doesn't that make it worth it to make each day really really freakin' cool?

When I was a freshman in highschool and still lived in Birmingham...before Mom and I moved to Texas to live with Dad...I had the best friends a girl could ask for. Kelly, Anna, Casey and Frank. Every weekend we would go to this spot by Frank's house...by the Cahaba river. It was this little boat dock that wasn't used anymore...kind of grown up...we'd have to push through trees and branches and weeds and crap to get to the cement dock...but we'd get there. And on a clear night, we'd sit out there on the dock and the moonlight would hit the water right in front of us and it was so bright with the moon and the stars that you would forget it was nighttime. We would lie on our backs and talk about our dreams for the future...no matter how silly or stupid they might have seemed...because on "our dock" anything goes and no one made fun...no one judged. We would sing...we would laugh...we would cry...together. And then came the day that Mom told me we were moving to Texas. And my 14 year old mind thought, "GREAT! I have NOTHING here in Birmingham. There's nothing to DO here! It's so BORING!" So off we went. I went back to visit a few months later. Desperate to see my friends...to go to the dock and share the moonlight and secrets and dreams with them. They told me that just a couple of weeks after I left...the cops blocked it off. Said they figured kids were going down there to do drugs. They figured that's the ONLY reason any kids would WANT to go hang out down there. Well, of course...innocence is scarce these days. They say you don't know what you got until it's gone...and I wholeheartedly believe in that.

I walked barefoot in the grass today. I haven't done that in so long. I can't even REMEMBER the last time I've done that. It felt good...brought back memories and feelings I forgot I had. I think I'll try and do that every day. Even when it's raining. ESPECIALLY if it's raining.

As of today...I've officially lost 80 pounds from my heaviest ever...that's RIGHT SUCKAS! Read it and WEEP. Ok...don't weep...smile and be happy...and eat a medium rare steak for me. I am now...pre-steroid weight again. Maybe I'LL weep now. Now if I could JUST get back to when I was a cheerleader in highschool............pfft...yeah right. Where's Jimminy Cricket when you need him?

There is a boy I used to love. Truly madly deeply as the song goes. I say BOY because when I loved him...he was a boy. On his way to becoming the great man he is now. He was my first real and true love...and pretty soon...he's going to get married. Literally, up until last year, he and I would talk about how hard it would be on each other when one of us would finally reach that point. When we would marry someone other than each other. Of course, we broke up in 1997 I think it was. Almost 10 years ago. So we knew somewhere in our brains and our hearts that we definitely weren't going to marry each other. I was truly madly deeply in love with another man...and he was in another country doing wonderful things with his life. But there's always that "thing." That thing that says..."It's going to KILL me when you abandon me for another." We haven't even seen each other in years...8 to be exact. But we've emailed....talked. All these years. And I never stopped loving him. Don't let that confuse you. I was truly madly deeply in love with that boy/man 10 years ago. But I LOVE the man that he is.............my FRIEND........now. And when he called me a few months ago to tell me that he had asked his fiancee to marry him, for 30 seconds, I couldn't breathe. He told me that he felt like he owed me a phone call...after all we had talked about over the years...all we shared...he felt like he should tell me in person. Strange....after I started breathing again...after I got the emails with pictures of him and his soon-to-be bride...when I saw that smile of joy on his face...I felt immense happiness for my friend. I wanted this for him. I hope for him that he always remains happy. It's okay to let go sometimes.

It never ceases to amaze me how music can evoke such feelings and emotions from me. One song...one chord...one voice...the very BEGINNING notes of one familiar song can make me want to fall to my knees...or laugh out loud...or dance my fool head off. Sitting at my friend's house the other night at 3 AM...listening to his 500 different CD's...yeah, you read that right...reminded me of my passion for music. It was like every song that came on was this FLASH of something. Country songs that I hadn't heard since I lived in Texas and I wore Wranglers and cowboy boots...(oh PLEASE don't tell anyone that). Mariah Carey songs that I used to crank up in my room and sing at the top of my lungs...even the high notes...and occasionally, I'd hit them dead on. Jimmy Buffet songs that made me want a margarita and put on my flip flops and head to the beach. Barry White songs that made me want to....well....anyway. What I'm trying to say is...MUSIC...it stirs my soul. And I know that sounds SO cheesy, but it does. It inspires me. Makes me think about the world. Makes me think about the singers and the writers who wrote those songs and what was going on in their heads when they wrote them...what is going on in their heads when they sing them. Does the song evoke the same emotion as it does in me? What inspired THEM to write it? I could probably google and find out on some of them. But that would take away the wonder of it all. I think I'll go pull out my MP3s.

Life is really a cool journey if you think about it. And I'm all about the saying, "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." I always say...probably WAY too much...that everything that's happened to me has made me who I am. And I'm happy with who I am right now. I have this yearning though...for something...something more. I want to wake up every morning with that "something important" feeling. I want my heart to always feel full. I want my life to keep on growing. I want to keep slow dancing in the living room at 3 AM. I want to keep walking barefoot in the grass. I want to go back to the dock...let the cops try to stop me.