***Disclaimer - The following post will contain major cuss words...such as the F bomb and other such fun terms. If your eyes hurt when you read such words as this...please consider yourself warned. The following post may hurt certain people's feelings. Too bad...so fucking sad. Oops...there's one of those F bombs. The following post contains MY opinions on some things in MY life. This was not influenced by anyone else's opinions. Thanks and feel free to skip over this post if you don't want to hear a fucking rant.***
I am 25 years old...about to be 26...and I've experienced, seen, and felt more in my life than many people experience, see or feel in their entire lives. I've seen birth and death. I've been abused horribly and loved deeply. I've lived in many different places...met a multitude of unique and interesting people. I have an IQ that's higher than probably a lot of the presidents of large corporations, but I do not have a college degree. I am smarter than most and dumber than some. I do not consider myself gorgeous...but I do consider myself sexy as hell. I used to be extremely fat...I've lost almost 100 pounds. Negative self talk keeps me from doing things that would quite possibly make me a success in life...in many aspects. I believe in God and talk to Him as if He were my bud...my homey...but I do not go to church, nor do I read my Bible on a regular basis. I can count on one hand how many men I have slept with. I can count on both hands how many men I've been in love with. I can count on one finger who I would consider my one true love and who I would consider the man I could adore for the rest of my life. I ran away from home when I was 16 years old with an abusive man and lived with him for 3 years of my life. To this day, I catch myself looking over my shoulder from time to time wondering if he's found me yet. When I was a teenager, I sliced myself up because I thought the physical pain would be more palpable than the emotional pain that I was going through. When I was 15, I was so fucked up, I was put in the hospital for 2 weeks and put on medication to get me un-fucked up. It's been years since I've been on medication...it's been years since I've been so fucked up. But I hope I never forget. I've lost 2 children before they were born. One with someone I thought I loved but didn't...one with someone I adored and who adored me right back. I spent a year of my life drinking alcohol and smoking pot every single day...all day. Non stop. I lost a great job, my apartment, friends, got sued and ultimately...lost a massive amount of respect for myself. I've come a really REALLY long way. I could go on and on...telling you my secrets...telling you about 25 years of trials and tribulations...joys and triumphs. But that's not what I'm here to do.
I've been going off about my self worth a lot lately. Been tooting my own horn about "oh yeah...I'm worth a lot...and someone needs to realize that and blah blah blah." Well, that's true. I am worth a lot. Someone does and hopefully one day will see that. Lately, however...I've been running into some issues in that department and well, it's getting the MareBear's panties in a wad. MareBear has her big girl panties on...BUT THEY ARE IN A WAD! I'm 25 years old...I've been through hell and back again...I've mellowed out...gotten my respect back for myself...earned the worth that was there all along...back again. So, now I am at this crossroads. I sit here eager....itching, in fact, to get on with my life. If you are an avid blog reader, and if you are, I thank you...then you will recall a post I did a while back about kisses in the rain. I meant that quite literally. I want that kiss in the rain. I physically want that. There was no metaphor there...I mean, there was a metaphor included in there...but I also want the physical kiss in the rain. So...should I sell out for something less because that scenario is cheesy and unlikely to happen? Sitting here right now, typing this out, I want to say hell no. But there's a little part of me that is whispering, "You might just have to." You may be sitting there saying, "Well, MareBear...you know you don't need a MAN or LOVE to move on with your life. You can be focusing on so much MORE!" Oh yes, my friends...I agree. And believe me...I am. But to know the MareBear...you must know one very very important fact about me. Love...that is the one emotion...the one thing that makes life worth living for me. Love...that's what makes everything else worth it for me. My writing...my family...my friends...my future. It all is great alone...standing alone. But to me...my life has no purpose...makes no sense in this world without love in it. To me...my writing is just words on a page unless I can share it with someone. Just as my life is just a speck in the wind without love and someone to share it with...THEN...only then does my life and everything in it become something worth living...some beautiful and intricate painting on a canvas instead of one brushstroke. No...I'm not saying that I am worthless by myself. I am worth a lot. But my worth won't flourish without love behind it. Having said that.......
What happens when someone says that they love you, but they don't show it? What happens when you suddenly realize that you have so much to give and no takers? What happens when there is one person that you think just might be it...but it's too late? There are situations in life that happen where I sometimes sit back and want to cry...but then I laugh because really...it's absolutely ridiculous at how crazy it all is. Sometimes life is just one big huge cluster fuck and there's not a damn thing you can do about it except sit back and watch it happen...and THAT is a horrible feeling. That, my good friends, is a feeling that I can't stand to have. I hate feeling helpless. I hate not being in control. I've had several situations that have been pushed in front of me lately that have left me with the helpless, out-of-control feeling...and frankly...it's pissing me the fuck off! "Why, MareBear," you may ask. "I thought you said that you could CHOOSE your own emotions...that you could CHOOSE to not be angry." Don't get me wrong. I feel angry, yes. But it's not out of control. I'm ranting...and raving...and cussing like a sailor. But I'll stand back up, brush myself off and move along again...until the next one. But right now...right at this very moment, I'm pissed off.
August 25, 2006
August 22, 2006
Total and COMPLETE Randomness That Only Certain People Will Understand
Sometimes...you find things out too late...then you kick yourself in the ass for not doing something about it sooner. I have a great new appreciation for my fingernails. I have a great new appreciation for Hello Lonely. I will now forever have a warm fuzzy feeling whenever I see or hear of the movie Mallrats. Jason Alexander on a wall half naked is in a strange way...really hot.
***To the makers of Vault...I hate to break this to you, but there are still people out there who have not tried your fabulous beverage...and much to my chagrin...as much begging and marketing as I have given you guys, it doesn't seem to sway some people. I think maybe you need to offer some free vacations or something...say toooooooo Borders in Paris or something. Hmmm. I wonder if there IS a Borders in Paris? Or maybe give away free stuff....like, oh I don't know...bats or something. Anyway...I'm just trying to give a shout out and let ya know what's up. Thanks. Oh........and send me stuff.***
Some fairy tales just don't have happy endings...and just need to be filed away for safe keeping. Maybe one of these days I'll have one of those happy endings...with a prince or otherwise...but for now...I have a great new appreciation for my self worth. I love you too young fairy and wild beast.
Sometimes you make mistakes...sometimes you make BIG mistakes...and you know what...that's ok. The key is...how you fix it. You're either a grown up about it...or you F it up and make more mistakes.
You are not responsible for how someone else feels or acts. No one else is responsible for how you feel or act. You are only responsible for how you feel and act. You are ALWAYS responsible for how you feel and act. This is an absolute statement unless you are the parent of a very small child and that only applies to the act part and even then you can only INFLUENCE it. End of it.
It is after 1 AM...and I still have packing to do. Peace.
***To the makers of Vault...I hate to break this to you, but there are still people out there who have not tried your fabulous beverage...and much to my chagrin...as much begging and marketing as I have given you guys, it doesn't seem to sway some people. I think maybe you need to offer some free vacations or something...say toooooooo Borders in Paris or something. Hmmm. I wonder if there IS a Borders in Paris? Or maybe give away free stuff....like, oh I don't know...bats or something. Anyway...I'm just trying to give a shout out and let ya know what's up. Thanks. Oh........and send me stuff.***
Some fairy tales just don't have happy endings...and just need to be filed away for safe keeping. Maybe one of these days I'll have one of those happy endings...with a prince or otherwise...but for now...I have a great new appreciation for my self worth. I love you too young fairy and wild beast.
Sometimes you make mistakes...sometimes you make BIG mistakes...and you know what...that's ok. The key is...how you fix it. You're either a grown up about it...or you F it up and make more mistakes.
You are not responsible for how someone else feels or acts. No one else is responsible for how you feel or act. You are only responsible for how you feel and act. You are ALWAYS responsible for how you feel and act. This is an absolute statement unless you are the parent of a very small child and that only applies to the act part and even then you can only INFLUENCE it. End of it.
It is after 1 AM...and I still have packing to do. Peace.
August 21, 2006
Choosing
I've written a lot lately about how much I've changed in the past year. But I haven't written very much about it specifically. I haven't written very much about how I feel about it...or how it's affected my life on a detailed level. I've written more in general terms and tried to apply it in a motivational way...not only to try and encourage everyone who reads this, but also so that I can come back and reread what I've written and give myself a little reminder of where I need to go...what I need to do...and what attitude I need to adopt. When I say that I've changed in the past year, and especially in the past 6 months or so, I don't mean that my personality traits have changed or that I like different things, or necessarily even want different things. What I mean by change is that I've grown. And I know I've thrown that word out quite a bit. For a lot of people, it takes years for them to "grow" or "mature" into a person that they are proud to be. But in the past year, I've had one bad thing after another, one heart ache after another, one stress after another, one crisis after another...thrown into my lap...handed to me whether I wanted it or not. And when you are handed things that are outside of your comfort zone...when you are handed struggles...you have no choice but to give up...or grow. I chose to grow. It seemed like, overnight, things inside of me changed. Feelings changed, attitudes changed, emotions just flat out changed for me like they've never been before. I realized that I have a choice about how I react to a situation. I have a choice about whether or not I'm going to let things get me down, or if I'm going to face them head on. I have a choice when it comes to my emotions. No one can dictate to me about how I will feel about ANY situation whatsoever. No one. I choose. And that choice...that realization...has given me an immense power. At the same time it's given me a terrific feeling of calm. You see, I used to have a very short fuse...you could call it nonexistent. I would get angry very easily at just about anything there was to get angry about...and if there wasn't anything to get angry about, I would create something. And jealousy?? Oh...I'm not sure I even want to go there. And when I wasn't feeling angry, or jealous or an immense depression, I was on a manic high. My ambition was elevated to the point I felt like I could accomplish 15 to do lists in an hour. I felt like I was on top of the world. It was one extreme or the other for me...with few in-betweens. Something finally clicked in my brain...in my spirit...that I needed to STOP!! I needed to reevaluate my priorities here. Not only was I hurting...not to mention annoying the hell out of...the people around me...but I was hurting and annoying the hell out of myself. And I was preventing myself from moving forward in life in any way, shape, form or fashion. So...over time...in the scheme of things a short amount of time...and through the process of some very difficult trials I realized that I could choose to not react in those ways anymore. I didn't have to feel like that anymore. And no matter what anyone said about it...I could react and feel exactly the way I wanted to. There was nothing wrong with being calm and happy. There was nothing wrong with not being angry and jealous all the time or really...at all. There was nothing wrong with not creating drama where there was none. Even in the most difficult situation, I could remain calm...I could choose to not get angry...even when other people thought that reaction wasn't appropriate. It didn't matter and doesn't matter to me if someone thinks that my reaction to a situation is inappropriate. Because I know that my reaction now is my choice. And I know that I'm making my choice from a calmer more rational place. When I say that I'm thankful for the difficult things that have been handed to me in life, I mean it from the very bottom of my heart. No, it hasn't been fun. No, none of it has been easy by any means. But from it, I've grown and learned how to CHOOSE for myself to be empowered with my own emotions. That is an incredible feeling...albeit a sometimes uncomfortable one. But hey...stepping out of my comfort zone is what got me here in the first place. Bring it on!
August 07, 2006
The One Year Anniversary Blog Party!
I cannot believe it has been one whole year since I started this blog. It's kind of funny actually. When I started this thing I was sitting at my Grandma Lynda's computer in Biloxi. And today...I just got back from there after not being there since the hurricane...in almost a year. I actually took out the first entry of this blog because when I reread it...it sounded silly to me. And after a year of writing in this...after so much has happened...after a year of growth, I guess I figured my writing had changed. So over the course of a year, I have taken out a total of about 8 entries that I thought were utter crap. 8 entries out of 103. Not too shabby I must say. However...for the purpose of this wondrous occasion...I figured I'd add the first entry back in. (The very first blog entry is all the way at the bottom for those who are interested in reading it.) But when I started this blog...when I sat down to write in it...I never thought that I would be sitting here a year later writing in it still. I thought it would be yet another "thing" that I would leave unfinished. I thought maybe I would write a few entries that no one but I would read and then I would forget about it. And now...a year later, I've written 103...make that 104 entries, and I have a slew of people reading my inner most personal thoughts on a daily basis. My writing style has changed just a bit...I still use .......... all the time. I still use capital letters to enunciate and express what I'm trying to say...although I'm trying to incorporate more italics. When I first started the blog, I used initials for everyone's names to "protect their identities" but then I realized that was absolutely retarded since I wasn't publishing everyone's home addresses and phone numbers and it sounded silly referring to people by A B C & D. Not to mention I ran into problems when I had several people with the same first initial. I have tried to keep some sense of privacy on here. I have not written about extremely personal issues...except for a few that only affected me. However, for those of you who have been reading my blog over the past year...those of you who have kept up with the "characters" in my life...it may have been easy to notice people coming and going...things changing...events happening...maybe you filled in the blanks.
A lot has happened in and around my life in the past year. Great things...horrible things...happy things...sad things. I never really made a conscious decision when I started this to not go into detail about personal things in my life such as relationships...but I'm also a moral and caring person...no matter how I feel about another person, I would never broadcast details of anything that has to do with another person's feelings, thoughts, actions, relationships, etc. without their consent or unless I leave them anonymous. That being said...it's also easy for someone who had no clue who I was to start at the bottom of this blog and work their way up and put some things together without me having to say anything.
In the past year, I lost the love of my life. No...he's still alive and well...and we are still very good friends...but we are no longer "together." You need to know no more than that. In the past year, I have made several wonderful friends including Denise whom I have mentioned several times in entries. I met her through another friend...who became more than a friend...and now he is no longer in my life...at all. He is also alive...don't know if he's well or not. Nuff said. (Speaking of friends...I would like to take this moment to thank my friends who have supported this thing called a blog...or as one friend calls it...the "b." Aimes, "J" from Pelham and my dear Petie...thanks for always jumping to comment on my blog entries. It always seems like your comments come at a time when I'm feeling a bit blue and they are the pick-me-up that I need. Love you guys. Susie Q...thanks so much for continuing to read and continuing to be a "virtual shoulder" for me...even though for some strange reason it takes your computer an extra day for my blog entries to update. Love you the "MOSTEST OF THE MOST!!" Tamster...thank you so much for telling me that my writing makes you laugh out loud even though you're an uptight person. I personally don't think you are...and I personally think you're madly in love with Brucie...but don't worry...I won't tell anyone. Love you bunches! Shell...thank you for your emails of support and letting me know that you "still read the blog"...hurry up and spit out my neice or nephew. Love you girlie! Sis...thank you for reading your big sister's blog and telling me that my teeth are gorgeous...I love you baby girl! And yes, I'll take you to see Saw 3. Denise..."D"...how do I even begin to thank you? You've been there through it all...you've kept me sane...unless we were both insane at the same time and then we just reverted to our Bahamas plan. I love you and miss you. Thanks for being there through the good and bad. Mom...thanks for reading every word from day one. Thanks for being my backbone and letting me be yours. Thanks for helping me grow every day. Thanks for being my best friend. I love you. Dad...Thanks for reading the short entries...if you get to this one...know that I LY....MI....very very much. G...Thank you for bringing me back to life 6 years ago. Thank you for showing me what true love really is. A & F. For all the rest of you...and I know I've missed MANY and for that I'm so sorry...thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading and emailing and commenting. And for those of you who have just started reading this (Hi Lisa and Martin!) thank you so much for your interest. And for those of you who "promise" you're going to read this but never do...you know who you are...*cough cough* Karl Paul *cough cough*...I won't say any names though...just know that I'm not sweating it...I know you guys love me anyway. Just know that I love each and every one of you...and I just want to thank all of you for letting me do this...and enjoy it. OK...now back to the year's events.) In the past year, I've lost furry family members that were loved just as much as if they were human. See you on Rainbow Bridge. In the past year, my bones have deteriorated but my will has strengthened enormously. I have felt full and empty...seemingly all at the same time on occasion. I have felt immense happiness and great sorrow...but overall have done my best to keep my hope...keep my faith that I will overcome all obstacles thrown in my path. The physical pain that I feel on a daily basis has not kept me down. The emotional pain that I've felt from time to time from a breaking heart, or from seeing my mom's pain, or from missing someone so deeply that it cuts like a knife has not kept me from growing. It hasn't kept me from trying my damndest to find the humor in life. To take a mundane situation and make it tangible to another...to make it real and raw and laughable...so that others...you can relate to it and see that all of us can somehow get through...day by day, minute by minute, one baby step at a time. This blog has been therapy for me...it's been a way for me to release what's inside. If not one single person read this...I'd still be doing it...or at least I hope I would. But it helps to know that you guys do read it. That I know that it makes other people laugh. That it gives other people something to think about.
So much has happened to me in the past year...and so much more will happen to me in the coming year. It's exciting...and scary too when you think about the unknown. An adventure waiting to happen. A clean slate laid out before you. A story waiting to be written. You just have to pick up the pen and write the words on the blank pages. How will my story begin? Not "Once Upon a Time" or "In the Beginning." I may have to think on it...or maybe it could begin with this...
"One day, I woke up early, put my big girl panties on, faced the world with a feeling of enthusiasm, and decided I would kick some major ass and take names. Look out...here I come!"
A lot has happened in and around my life in the past year. Great things...horrible things...happy things...sad things. I never really made a conscious decision when I started this to not go into detail about personal things in my life such as relationships...but I'm also a moral and caring person...no matter how I feel about another person, I would never broadcast details of anything that has to do with another person's feelings, thoughts, actions, relationships, etc. without their consent or unless I leave them anonymous. That being said...it's also easy for someone who had no clue who I was to start at the bottom of this blog and work their way up and put some things together without me having to say anything.
In the past year, I lost the love of my life. No...he's still alive and well...and we are still very good friends...but we are no longer "together." You need to know no more than that. In the past year, I have made several wonderful friends including Denise whom I have mentioned several times in entries. I met her through another friend...who became more than a friend...and now he is no longer in my life...at all. He is also alive...don't know if he's well or not. Nuff said. (Speaking of friends...I would like to take this moment to thank my friends who have supported this thing called a blog...or as one friend calls it...the "b." Aimes, "J" from Pelham and my dear Petie...thanks for always jumping to comment on my blog entries. It always seems like your comments come at a time when I'm feeling a bit blue and they are the pick-me-up that I need. Love you guys. Susie Q...thanks so much for continuing to read and continuing to be a "virtual shoulder" for me...even though for some strange reason it takes your computer an extra day for my blog entries to update. Love you the "MOSTEST OF THE MOST!!" Tamster...thank you so much for telling me that my writing makes you laugh out loud even though you're an uptight person. I personally don't think you are...and I personally think you're madly in love with Brucie...but don't worry...I won't tell anyone. Love you bunches! Shell...thank you for your emails of support and letting me know that you "still read the blog"...hurry up and spit out my neice or nephew. Love you girlie! Sis...thank you for reading your big sister's blog and telling me that my teeth are gorgeous...I love you baby girl! And yes, I'll take you to see Saw 3. Denise..."D"...how do I even begin to thank you? You've been there through it all...you've kept me sane...unless we were both insane at the same time and then we just reverted to our Bahamas plan. I love you and miss you. Thanks for being there through the good and bad. Mom...thanks for reading every word from day one. Thanks for being my backbone and letting me be yours. Thanks for helping me grow every day. Thanks for being my best friend. I love you. Dad...Thanks for reading the short entries...if you get to this one...know that I LY....MI....very very much. G...Thank you for bringing me back to life 6 years ago. Thank you for showing me what true love really is. A & F. For all the rest of you...and I know I've missed MANY and for that I'm so sorry...thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading and emailing and commenting. And for those of you who have just started reading this (Hi Lisa and Martin!) thank you so much for your interest. And for those of you who "promise" you're going to read this but never do...you know who you are...*cough cough* Karl Paul *cough cough*...I won't say any names though...just know that I'm not sweating it...I know you guys love me anyway. Just know that I love each and every one of you...and I just want to thank all of you for letting me do this...and enjoy it. OK...now back to the year's events.) In the past year, I've lost furry family members that were loved just as much as if they were human. See you on Rainbow Bridge. In the past year, my bones have deteriorated but my will has strengthened enormously. I have felt full and empty...seemingly all at the same time on occasion. I have felt immense happiness and great sorrow...but overall have done my best to keep my hope...keep my faith that I will overcome all obstacles thrown in my path. The physical pain that I feel on a daily basis has not kept me down. The emotional pain that I've felt from time to time from a breaking heart, or from seeing my mom's pain, or from missing someone so deeply that it cuts like a knife has not kept me from growing. It hasn't kept me from trying my damndest to find the humor in life. To take a mundane situation and make it tangible to another...to make it real and raw and laughable...so that others...you can relate to it and see that all of us can somehow get through...day by day, minute by minute, one baby step at a time. This blog has been therapy for me...it's been a way for me to release what's inside. If not one single person read this...I'd still be doing it...or at least I hope I would. But it helps to know that you guys do read it. That I know that it makes other people laugh. That it gives other people something to think about.
So much has happened to me in the past year...and so much more will happen to me in the coming year. It's exciting...and scary too when you think about the unknown. An adventure waiting to happen. A clean slate laid out before you. A story waiting to be written. You just have to pick up the pen and write the words on the blank pages. How will my story begin? Not "Once Upon a Time" or "In the Beginning." I may have to think on it...or maybe it could begin with this...
"One day, I woke up early, put my big girl panties on, faced the world with a feeling of enthusiasm, and decided I would kick some major ass and take names. Look out...here I come!"
August 05, 2006
Ahem...Randomness...Thank You For Your Attention
I am currently in Biloxi. Believe it or not, I haven't been here since Katrina. I've just flat out refused to come down here...for several reasons that I won't get into right now. But Mom drove me down Hwy 90 on the way to Grandma Lynda's house. I burst into tears by the time we got to her house. It's still horrible.
My friend Karl had some MAJOR work done on his teeth a couple of days ago...I'm talking like 4 root canals and other yucky stuff. But...he went to a sedation dentist and got major wonderful drugs and got it all done in one visit and doesn't remember a thing. And now his teeth are great again. Why the hell didn't I do that?
If you haven't seen the movie or read the book Pride and Prejudice...go...watch it or read it immediately...because very very soon I will have a post on it that will spoil the whole thing if you haven't seen/read it. Consider yourself warned.
I've been thinking of titles to my book that I'm writing...check out this one. "I'm In Love With Indecision...No, Wait...No I'm Not!" What do ya think?? Yeah I know...total bestseller.
David from Topper emailed me last night. The guys have put together a new website. Some parts of it are still under construction...well, actually only their calender needs work...but if you want to see a video with clips of sexy Pete singing and Topper jamming out...go here. If you want to see the locations where they are playing...go here. Unfortunately, David told me that right now, you can only get their CDs and DVDs and "soon to be" t-shirts and such at the locations that they play...so next time they're in town I'm going to grab some assorted loot. I'm sure you all are terribly disappointed to hear this. Please don't lose too much sleep.
The gay next door neighbor that lives next to my Grandma Lynda has his "friend" over to help him with some yard work. Well, the gnats are REALLY bad down here...and that's an understatement. So...the gay neighbor goes inside and brings out a bottle of Cepocal mouthwash. And his friend says..."I don't think rinsing my mouth out with that stuff will help with the gnats." I about FELL OUT laughing. So gay guy says, "NO you idiot...you wipe this all over your legs and neck and the gnats won't git ya!" So the gay guy pours a cup of Cepacol into the friend's hands and the friend proceeds to wipe the mouthwash all over his legs and neck. About 5 seconds later...screams of pain erupt from the friend's mouth. "OH MY GOD!!! IT'S BURNING! IT'S BURNING!!" He started dancing around batting at his legs and neck like they were on fire. I'm seriously falling out of my chair on the patio laughing at this point, and Annie and Gracie the dogs are over at the fence barking at the man thinking he's seriously gone mad. Well, gay guy stands there calmly pouring another cupfull saying, "Naw man...it's good for ya!" So get this...the friend takes the cupfull and wipes more of it on him!! Yep...5 seconds later...more screaming...more batting...more laughter from me...and more barking from the dogs. Later, I saw the dude mowing the yard, swatting at the gnats...hmm...but I bet they enjoyed the minty freshness of his singed leg hairs.
I used to purposely make extra mistakes on my papers in 6th grade so I could use more white-out. Then as soon as I'd use it...I'd lean in real close acting like I was making sure I'd gotten it all covered up...then I'd inhale deeply. Yeah...I was a white-out huffer at the young age of 11.
I've graduated on the McDonald's menu. Now I'm up to a medium chocolate shake...medium fry...and...wait for it.........a cheeseburger with those itty bitty chopped up onions!!! WOO WOO! But I have to tear it in pieces and then put it in my mouth and chew it up. I haven't gotten the hang of biting and tearing with my teeth yet. No worries. We'll get there.
I've often wondered if I bound all my blog entries together and made them into a book if anyone would buy it.
I miss white-out. Now all I have is this damn backspace key...and it hurts my nose.
My friend Karl had some MAJOR work done on his teeth a couple of days ago...I'm talking like 4 root canals and other yucky stuff. But...he went to a sedation dentist and got major wonderful drugs and got it all done in one visit and doesn't remember a thing. And now his teeth are great again. Why the hell didn't I do that?
If you haven't seen the movie or read the book Pride and Prejudice...go...watch it or read it immediately...because very very soon I will have a post on it that will spoil the whole thing if you haven't seen/read it. Consider yourself warned.
I've been thinking of titles to my book that I'm writing...check out this one. "I'm In Love With Indecision...No, Wait...No I'm Not!" What do ya think?? Yeah I know...total bestseller.
David from Topper emailed me last night. The guys have put together a new website. Some parts of it are still under construction...well, actually only their calender needs work...but if you want to see a video with clips of sexy Pete singing and Topper jamming out...go here. If you want to see the locations where they are playing...go here. Unfortunately, David told me that right now, you can only get their CDs and DVDs and "soon to be" t-shirts and such at the locations that they play...so next time they're in town I'm going to grab some assorted loot. I'm sure you all are terribly disappointed to hear this. Please don't lose too much sleep.
The gay next door neighbor that lives next to my Grandma Lynda has his "friend" over to help him with some yard work. Well, the gnats are REALLY bad down here...and that's an understatement. So...the gay neighbor goes inside and brings out a bottle of Cepocal mouthwash. And his friend says..."I don't think rinsing my mouth out with that stuff will help with the gnats." I about FELL OUT laughing. So gay guy says, "NO you idiot...you wipe this all over your legs and neck and the gnats won't git ya!" So the gay guy pours a cup of Cepacol into the friend's hands and the friend proceeds to wipe the mouthwash all over his legs and neck. About 5 seconds later...screams of pain erupt from the friend's mouth. "OH MY GOD!!! IT'S BURNING! IT'S BURNING!!" He started dancing around batting at his legs and neck like they were on fire. I'm seriously falling out of my chair on the patio laughing at this point, and Annie and Gracie the dogs are over at the fence barking at the man thinking he's seriously gone mad. Well, gay guy stands there calmly pouring another cupfull saying, "Naw man...it's good for ya!" So get this...the friend takes the cupfull and wipes more of it on him!! Yep...5 seconds later...more screaming...more batting...more laughter from me...and more barking from the dogs. Later, I saw the dude mowing the yard, swatting at the gnats...hmm...but I bet they enjoyed the minty freshness of his singed leg hairs.
I used to purposely make extra mistakes on my papers in 6th grade so I could use more white-out. Then as soon as I'd use it...I'd lean in real close acting like I was making sure I'd gotten it all covered up...then I'd inhale deeply. Yeah...I was a white-out huffer at the young age of 11.
I've graduated on the McDonald's menu. Now I'm up to a medium chocolate shake...medium fry...and...wait for it.........a cheeseburger with those itty bitty chopped up onions!!! WOO WOO! But I have to tear it in pieces and then put it in my mouth and chew it up. I haven't gotten the hang of biting and tearing with my teeth yet. No worries. We'll get there.
I've often wondered if I bound all my blog entries together and made them into a book if anyone would buy it.
I miss white-out. Now all I have is this damn backspace key...and it hurts my nose.
August 03, 2006
Topper
Mom and I decided to have a night out at the casino last night. So I grabbed my free room comp and we headed out! We had a total blast...Thelma and Louise baby!!! WOO WOO! And what happens at the Pearl River Resort when Thelma and Louise go to party....STAYS at the Pearl River Resort. Except for one event. Topper.
At around 9:30 last night, Mom...err...Thelma and I decided to head over to the Xenon lounge to grab a couple of alcoholic beverages and listen to some live music. I had been sitting at the penny slot machine near the lounge earlier and heard the band start up with "Working For the Weekend" by Loverboy. I found my head starting to bob a little bit like Chris Kattan's on Night at the Roxbury. So, I cashed out...even though I was winning...and headed over to the bar. Thelma and I grabbed a table close to the bar and within eye-shot of the band. Thelma got her brewski...Louise (me) got her White Russian. The drink...not the dude. Ahhh...let the jammin' begin! The name of the band was Topper. 4 guys in their...mmm...I'd have to say late 40's early 50's. Could be more or less on each individual...but I'm bad at guessing ages. And I must say, that despite his age...or maybe because of it...or screw that...because of his VOICE...the keyboardist and lead vocalist, Pete, was uber sexy. And I don't even like long hair on guys. Uhh...anyway...that's getting into the what happens at the casino STAYS at the casino...nevermind. So...the guys start playing all kinds of music...all different genres...from The Drifters to 3 Doors Down to Journey to Blake Shelton and Willie Nelson. And let me tell you...Pete can turn on the Willie Nelson voice like you would not believe. At one point, David, the lead guitarist walked around the entire bar "serenading" all the women with a fabulous Santana song.
But here's the thing...here's what truly truly got to me. This is why I am writing about a band called Topper tonight. And many of you may say this is cheesy...many of you may roll your eyes and say, "Oh Mare...you're just being too sentimental and over dramatic." Well...get the hell over it. This is MY blog...and you're the one reading it. So shut it and read on.
There were only about 40 people or less in the Xenon lounge at any one given time in the hour and a half that we sat there. Most of those people came and went and most of those people were either sitting at the bar playing video poker or sitting at tables chatting up their pals and drinking. Not paying a lick of attention to a band called Topper. Let me now give you a little background on Topper. Between the years of 1979 and 1984 Topper toured with The Drifters and then Jerry Lee Lewis. They also worked with Ozzy Osborne. The 80's were the time of these guys' lives you're thinking. And maybe you're right. You won't see these guys headlining in front of thousands of people. Last night, they played to a crowd of less than a hundred people at a time and half of those people didn't even look at them. And at first, I didn't look at them either...but then, I started to listen...I really listened. And what I heard was absolute passion in music. These guys didn't care WHO they were singing to. They were keeping their dream alive. There was a row of seats that were right up next to a little "space" by the stage. An old skinny redneck cowboy and 2 very vivacious and lovely sistas just so happened to be sitting next to each other in these seats. They were watching the band. They were listening to the band. They were freakin' lovin' the hell outta some TOPPER BABY YEAH!!!! Pete would belt out a Willie Nelson song and the cowboy would grab the sista up and try to show her what two-steppin' was all about. Then David would break it down with some KC & The Sunshine Band "That's The Way I Like It" (Uh Huh Uh Huh) and that sista would pull that ole cowboy out on the dance floor and grind it dooowwwwnnn!!! At this point, I not only started to watch the hilarity out on the dance floor, but I really started to pay attention to the band. Really looked at the joy on their faces that their music had made this totally unlikely pair get their groove on on the dance floor. That look of satisfaction that they were giving it all they had just to bring some happiness to a few people. They didn't have to do that. They didn't have to give it all they had to such a small crowd of people. They could have come out there...sang a few good ones guaranteed to get the crowd going like Jimmy Buffett or Sweet Home Alabama and called it a night. But no...the next thing I saw drove it home for me that these guys really still had it in them. The band started playing "Rock and Roll Fantasy" by Bad Company. Pete left his keyboard...took the mike out of the stand and started belting it out. And I do mean this man poured his heart into this song. Rocked the FREAKING HOUSE! He ran from one side of the stage to the other...sang to each person that was there...climbed behind the drummer and jumped back down onto the stage. The only thing that was missing was the pyrotechnics. It didn't feel like it was too much because we weren't in some huge venue...it didn't feel like too much because there weren't a lot of people there. It felt just right because he put so much passion behind it. You just knew that this man loved what he was doing. You knew that this man wanted you to feel this song and sing along with him. Before this moment, I had almost felt sorry for these guys. And in some people's eyes, maybe it would seem a little sad that these guys have been playing their hearts out for over 25 years and they've never made it "big"...they're still playing to small crowds in smoky casino bars instead of stadiums filled with thousands of screaming fans. But I wonder if you ask them now what they would say. I know back then they would have rather had that rock-n-roll lifestyle. They definitely tried for it. And most definitely got a very big taste of it. But if it weren't for bands like Topper...if it weren't for guys like them who play so passionately...pouring their hearts out for the "little people"...for the small smoky casino bars...that old cowboy might've not had that fantastic dance. That sista might not have learned how to two-step. I might not have learned just how much I love "Rock and Roll Fantasy." Hey...I might not have figured out that long hair on guys might not be such a bad thing after all...it can actually be kinda sexy. And I may not have gotten to have just a small glimpse of dreams and perserverance and passion and all out "giving it all you got" in such an unexpected place.
Rock on Pete, David, Matt & Lacy. Keep on rockin' Topper.
At around 9:30 last night, Mom...err...Thelma and I decided to head over to the Xenon lounge to grab a couple of alcoholic beverages and listen to some live music. I had been sitting at the penny slot machine near the lounge earlier and heard the band start up with "Working For the Weekend" by Loverboy. I found my head starting to bob a little bit like Chris Kattan's on Night at the Roxbury. So, I cashed out...even though I was winning...and headed over to the bar. Thelma and I grabbed a table close to the bar and within eye-shot of the band. Thelma got her brewski...Louise (me) got her White Russian. The drink...not the dude. Ahhh...let the jammin' begin! The name of the band was Topper. 4 guys in their...mmm...I'd have to say late 40's early 50's. Could be more or less on each individual...but I'm bad at guessing ages. And I must say, that despite his age...or maybe because of it...or screw that...because of his VOICE...the keyboardist and lead vocalist, Pete, was uber sexy. And I don't even like long hair on guys. Uhh...anyway...that's getting into the what happens at the casino STAYS at the casino...nevermind. So...the guys start playing all kinds of music...all different genres...from The Drifters to 3 Doors Down to Journey to Blake Shelton and Willie Nelson. And let me tell you...Pete can turn on the Willie Nelson voice like you would not believe. At one point, David, the lead guitarist walked around the entire bar "serenading" all the women with a fabulous Santana song.
But here's the thing...here's what truly truly got to me. This is why I am writing about a band called Topper tonight. And many of you may say this is cheesy...many of you may roll your eyes and say, "Oh Mare...you're just being too sentimental and over dramatic." Well...get the hell over it. This is MY blog...and you're the one reading it. So shut it and read on.
There were only about 40 people or less in the Xenon lounge at any one given time in the hour and a half that we sat there. Most of those people came and went and most of those people were either sitting at the bar playing video poker or sitting at tables chatting up their pals and drinking. Not paying a lick of attention to a band called Topper. Let me now give you a little background on Topper. Between the years of 1979 and 1984 Topper toured with The Drifters and then Jerry Lee Lewis. They also worked with Ozzy Osborne. The 80's were the time of these guys' lives you're thinking. And maybe you're right. You won't see these guys headlining in front of thousands of people. Last night, they played to a crowd of less than a hundred people at a time and half of those people didn't even look at them. And at first, I didn't look at them either...but then, I started to listen...I really listened. And what I heard was absolute passion in music. These guys didn't care WHO they were singing to. They were keeping their dream alive. There was a row of seats that were right up next to a little "space" by the stage. An old skinny redneck cowboy and 2 very vivacious and lovely sistas just so happened to be sitting next to each other in these seats. They were watching the band. They were listening to the band. They were freakin' lovin' the hell outta some TOPPER BABY YEAH!!!! Pete would belt out a Willie Nelson song and the cowboy would grab the sista up and try to show her what two-steppin' was all about. Then David would break it down with some KC & The Sunshine Band "That's The Way I Like It" (Uh Huh Uh Huh) and that sista would pull that ole cowboy out on the dance floor and grind it dooowwwwnnn!!! At this point, I not only started to watch the hilarity out on the dance floor, but I really started to pay attention to the band. Really looked at the joy on their faces that their music had made this totally unlikely pair get their groove on on the dance floor. That look of satisfaction that they were giving it all they had just to bring some happiness to a few people. They didn't have to do that. They didn't have to give it all they had to such a small crowd of people. They could have come out there...sang a few good ones guaranteed to get the crowd going like Jimmy Buffett or Sweet Home Alabama and called it a night. But no...the next thing I saw drove it home for me that these guys really still had it in them. The band started playing "Rock and Roll Fantasy" by Bad Company. Pete left his keyboard...took the mike out of the stand and started belting it out. And I do mean this man poured his heart into this song. Rocked the FREAKING HOUSE! He ran from one side of the stage to the other...sang to each person that was there...climbed behind the drummer and jumped back down onto the stage. The only thing that was missing was the pyrotechnics. It didn't feel like it was too much because we weren't in some huge venue...it didn't feel like too much because there weren't a lot of people there. It felt just right because he put so much passion behind it. You just knew that this man loved what he was doing. You knew that this man wanted you to feel this song and sing along with him. Before this moment, I had almost felt sorry for these guys. And in some people's eyes, maybe it would seem a little sad that these guys have been playing their hearts out for over 25 years and they've never made it "big"...they're still playing to small crowds in smoky casino bars instead of stadiums filled with thousands of screaming fans. But I wonder if you ask them now what they would say. I know back then they would have rather had that rock-n-roll lifestyle. They definitely tried for it. And most definitely got a very big taste of it. But if it weren't for bands like Topper...if it weren't for guys like them who play so passionately...pouring their hearts out for the "little people"...for the small smoky casino bars...that old cowboy might've not had that fantastic dance. That sista might not have learned how to two-step. I might not have learned just how much I love "Rock and Roll Fantasy." Hey...I might not have figured out that long hair on guys might not be such a bad thing after all...it can actually be kinda sexy. And I may not have gotten to have just a small glimpse of dreams and perserverance and passion and all out "giving it all you got" in such an unexpected place.
Rock on Pete, David, Matt & Lacy. Keep on rockin' Topper.
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