Choosing

I've written a lot lately about how much I've changed in the past year. But I haven't written very much about it specifically. I haven't written very much about how I feel about it...or how it's affected my life on a detailed level. I've written more in general terms and tried to apply it in a motivational way...not only to try and encourage everyone who reads this, but also so that I can come back and reread what I've written and give myself a little reminder of where I need to go...what I need to do...and what attitude I need to adopt. When I say that I've changed in the past year, and especially in the past 6 months or so, I don't mean that my personality traits have changed or that I like different things, or necessarily even want different things. What I mean by change is that I've grown. And I know I've thrown that word out quite a bit. For a lot of people, it takes years for them to "grow" or "mature" into a person that they are proud to be. But in the past year, I've had one bad thing after another, one heart ache after another, one stress after another, one crisis after another...thrown into my lap...handed to me whether I wanted it or not. And when you are handed things that are outside of your comfort zone...when you are handed struggles...you have no choice but to give up...or grow. I chose to grow. It seemed like, overnight, things inside of me changed. Feelings changed, attitudes changed, emotions just flat out changed for me like they've never been before. I realized that I have a choice about how I react to a situation. I have a choice about whether or not I'm going to let things get me down, or if I'm going to face them head on. I have a choice when it comes to my emotions. No one can dictate to me about how I will feel about ANY situation whatsoever. No one. I choose. And that choice...that realization...has given me an immense power. At the same time it's given me a terrific feeling of calm. You see, I used to have a very short fuse...you could call it nonexistent. I would get angry very easily at just about anything there was to get angry about...and if there wasn't anything to get angry about, I would create something. And jealousy?? Oh...I'm not sure I even want to go there. And when I wasn't feeling angry, or jealous or an immense depression, I was on a manic high. My ambition was elevated to the point I felt like I could accomplish 15 to do lists in an hour. I felt like I was on top of the world. It was one extreme or the other for me...with few in-betweens. Something finally clicked in my brain...in my spirit...that I needed to STOP!! I needed to reevaluate my priorities here. Not only was I hurting...not to mention annoying the hell out of...the people around me...but I was hurting and annoying the hell out of myself. And I was preventing myself from moving forward in life in any way, shape, form or fashion. So...over time...in the scheme of things a short amount of time...and through the process of some very difficult trials I realized that I could choose to not react in those ways anymore. I didn't have to feel like that anymore. And no matter what anyone said about it...I could react and feel exactly the way I wanted to. There was nothing wrong with being calm and happy. There was nothing wrong with not being angry and jealous all the time or really...at all. There was nothing wrong with not creating drama where there was none. Even in the most difficult situation, I could remain calm...I could choose to not get angry...even when other people thought that reaction wasn't appropriate. It didn't matter and doesn't matter to me if someone thinks that my reaction to a situation is inappropriate. Because I know that my reaction now is my choice. And I know that I'm making my choice from a calmer more rational place. When I say that I'm thankful for the difficult things that have been handed to me in life, I mean it from the very bottom of my heart. No, it hasn't been fun. No, none of it has been easy by any means. But from it, I've grown and learned how to CHOOSE for myself to be empowered with my own emotions. That is an incredible feeling...albeit a sometimes uncomfortable one. But hey...stepping out of my comfort zone is what got me here in the first place. Bring it on!