Okay...So I Needed To Vent

***Disclaimer - The following post will contain major cuss words...such as the F bomb and other such fun terms. If your eyes hurt when you read such words as this...please consider yourself warned. The following post may hurt certain people's feelings. Too bad...so fucking sad. Oops...there's one of those F bombs. The following post contains MY opinions on some things in MY life. This was not influenced by anyone else's opinions. Thanks and feel free to skip over this post if you don't want to hear a fucking rant.***

I am 25 years old...about to be 26...and I've experienced, seen, and felt more in my life than many people experience, see or feel in their entire lives. I've seen birth and death. I've been abused horribly and loved deeply. I've lived in many different places...met a multitude of unique and interesting people. I have an IQ that's higher than probably a lot of the presidents of large corporations, but I do not have a college degree. I am smarter than most and dumber than some. I do not consider myself gorgeous...but I do consider myself sexy as hell. I used to be extremely fat...I've lost almost 100 pounds. Negative self talk keeps me from doing things that would quite possibly make me a success in life...in many aspects. I believe in God and talk to Him as if He were my bud...my homey...but I do not go to church, nor do I read my Bible on a regular basis. I can count on one hand how many men I have slept with. I can count on both hands how many men I've been in love with. I can count on one finger who I would consider my one true love and who I would consider the man I could adore for the rest of my life. I ran away from home when I was 16 years old with an abusive man and lived with him for 3 years of my life. To this day, I catch myself looking over my shoulder from time to time wondering if he's found me yet. When I was a teenager, I sliced myself up because I thought the physical pain would be more palpable than the emotional pain that I was going through. When I was 15, I was so fucked up, I was put in the hospital for 2 weeks and put on medication to get me un-fucked up. It's been years since I've been on medication...it's been years since I've been so fucked up. But I hope I never forget. I've lost 2 children before they were born. One with someone I thought I loved but didn't...one with someone I adored and who adored me right back. I spent a year of my life drinking alcohol and smoking pot every single day...all day. Non stop. I lost a great job, my apartment, friends, got sued and ultimately...lost a massive amount of respect for myself. I've come a really REALLY long way. I could go on and on...telling you my secrets...telling you about 25 years of trials and tribulations...joys and triumphs. But that's not what I'm here to do.

I've been going off about my self worth a lot lately. Been tooting my own horn about "oh yeah...I'm worth a lot...and someone needs to realize that and blah blah blah." Well, that's true. I am worth a lot. Someone does and hopefully one day will see that. Lately, however...I've been running into some issues in that department and well, it's getting the MareBear's panties in a wad. MareBear has her big girl panties on...BUT THEY ARE IN A WAD! I'm 25 years old...I've been through hell and back again...I've mellowed out...gotten my respect back for myself...earned the worth that was there all along...back again. So, now I am at this crossroads. I sit here eager....itching, in fact, to get on with my life. If you are an avid blog reader, and if you are, I thank you...then you will recall a post I did a while back about kisses in the rain. I meant that quite literally. I want that kiss in the rain. I physically want that. There was no metaphor there...I mean, there was a metaphor included in there...but I also want the physical kiss in the rain. So...should I sell out for something less because that scenario is cheesy and unlikely to happen? Sitting here right now, typing this out, I want to say hell no. But there's a little part of me that is whispering, "You might just have to." You may be sitting there saying, "Well, MareBear...you know you don't need a MAN or LOVE to move on with your life. You can be focusing on so much MORE!" Oh yes, my friends...I agree. And believe me...I am. But to know the MareBear...you must know one very very important fact about me. Love...that is the one emotion...the one thing that makes life worth living for me. Love...that's what makes everything else worth it for me. My writing...my family...my friends...my future. It all is great alone...standing alone. But to me...my life has no purpose...makes no sense in this world without love in it. To me...my writing is just words on a page unless I can share it with someone. Just as my life is just a speck in the wind without love and someone to share it with...THEN...only then does my life and everything in it become something worth living...some beautiful and intricate painting on a canvas instead of one brushstroke. No...I'm not saying that I am worthless by myself. I am worth a lot. But my worth won't flourish without love behind it. Having said that.......

What happens when someone says that they love you, but they don't show it? What happens when you suddenly realize that you have so much to give and no takers? What happens when there is one person that you think just might be it...but it's too late? There are situations in life that happen where I sometimes sit back and want to cry...but then I laugh because really...it's absolutely ridiculous at how crazy it all is. Sometimes life is just one big huge cluster fuck and there's not a damn thing you can do about it except sit back and watch it happen...and THAT is a horrible feeling. That, my good friends, is a feeling that I can't stand to have. I hate feeling helpless. I hate not being in control. I've had several situations that have been pushed in front of me lately that have left me with the helpless, out-of-control feeling...and frankly...it's pissing me the fuck off! "Why, MareBear," you may ask. "I thought you said that you could CHOOSE your own emotions...that you could CHOOSE to not be angry." Don't get me wrong. I feel angry, yes. But it's not out of control. I'm ranting...and raving...and cussing like a sailor. But I'll stand back up, brush myself off and move along again...until the next one. But right now...right at this very moment, I'm pissed off.