A part of me always thought that Jack Handey wasn't a real guy...seriously...like right up until just now when my brain said....Hey, I need to put that little part of my brain to rest...so I went and googled just to make sure. *Sigh* Yeah...Jack...sorry about doubting your existence. Love you, man. Really. You're the greatest. Especially now that I know you're....ahem....REAL.
Have you ever gotten up in the morning and said, WOW...I have this feeling that something REALLY big is going to happen to me today? Well, maybe not BIG...but important. Like you wake up feeling ready to go and face your day. In a pretty good mood...and you know you can make things happen. Kind of a "Git-R-Done" attitude. And you just "know" that there's going to be some thing that's going to make this day stand out from the rest. OK so it could be something small. And maybe you won't even recognize what it is until later...maybe even weeks or months later. But you'll look back and say, yeah...that one thing changed me. Of course...if you think about it (oh boy...here comes a tangent...look out!) every day is full of things that change us, mold us, and make us grow. They say that opportunity sometimes knocks very softly. Well, I'd like to add to that that sometimes opportunity doesn't always even use the door...better check the windows and walls and ceilings and floors as well. Yeah, ok...Opportunity comes and finds you sometimes...but I've learned recently that if you want to move forward in your life...if you want things to HAPPEN...sometimes you have to seek OUT opportunity for yourself. Every single day of your life shapes the days of your life after that...there are no exceptions. Doesn't that make it worth it to make each day really really freakin' cool?
When I was a freshman in highschool and still lived in Birmingham...before Mom and I moved to Texas to live with Dad...I had the best friends a girl could ask for. Kelly, Anna, Casey and Frank. Every weekend we would go to this spot by Frank's house...by the Cahaba river. It was this little boat dock that wasn't used anymore...kind of grown up...we'd have to push through trees and branches and weeds and crap to get to the cement dock...but we'd get there. And on a clear night, we'd sit out there on the dock and the moonlight would hit the water right in front of us and it was so bright with the moon and the stars that you would forget it was nighttime. We would lie on our backs and talk about our dreams for the future...no matter how silly or stupid they might have seemed...because on "our dock" anything goes and no one made fun...no one judged. We would sing...we would laugh...we would cry...together. And then came the day that Mom told me we were moving to Texas. And my 14 year old mind thought, "GREAT! I have NOTHING here in Birmingham. There's nothing to DO here! It's so BORING!" So off we went. I went back to visit a few months later. Desperate to see my friends...to go to the dock and share the moonlight and secrets and dreams with them. They told me that just a couple of weeks after I left...the cops blocked it off. Said they figured kids were going down there to do drugs. They figured that's the ONLY reason any kids would WANT to go hang out down there. Well, of course...innocence is scarce these days. They say you don't know what you got until it's gone...and I wholeheartedly believe in that.
I walked barefoot in the grass today. I haven't done that in so long. I can't even REMEMBER the last time I've done that. It felt good...brought back memories and feelings I forgot I had. I think I'll try and do that every day. Even when it's raining. ESPECIALLY if it's raining.
As of today...I've officially lost 80 pounds from my heaviest ever...that's RIGHT SUCKAS! Read it and WEEP. Ok...don't weep...smile and be happy...and eat a medium rare steak for me. I am now...pre-steroid weight again. Maybe I'LL weep now. Now if I could JUST get back to when I was a cheerleader in highschool............pfft...yeah right. Where's Jimminy Cricket when you need him?
There is a boy I used to love. Truly madly deeply as the song goes. I say BOY because when I loved him...he was a boy. On his way to becoming the great man he is now. He was my first real and true love...and pretty soon...he's going to get married. Literally, up until last year, he and I would talk about how hard it would be on each other when one of us would finally reach that point. When we would marry someone other than each other. Of course, we broke up in 1997 I think it was. Almost 10 years ago. So we knew somewhere in our brains and our hearts that we definitely weren't going to marry each other. I was truly madly deeply in love with another man...and he was in another country doing wonderful things with his life. But there's always that "thing." That thing that says..."It's going to KILL me when you abandon me for another." We haven't even seen each other in years...8 to be exact. But we've emailed....talked. All these years. And I never stopped loving him. Don't let that confuse you. I was truly madly deeply in love with that boy/man 10 years ago. But I LOVE the man that he is.............my FRIEND........now. And when he called me a few months ago to tell me that he had asked his fiancee to marry him, for 30 seconds, I couldn't breathe. He told me that he felt like he owed me a phone call...after all we had talked about over the years...all we shared...he felt like he should tell me in person. Strange....after I started breathing again...after I got the emails with pictures of him and his soon-to-be bride...when I saw that smile of joy on his face...I felt immense happiness for my friend. I wanted this for him. I hope for him that he always remains happy. It's okay to let go sometimes.
It never ceases to amaze me how music can evoke such feelings and emotions from me. One song...one chord...one voice...the very BEGINNING notes of one familiar song can make me want to fall to my knees...or laugh out loud...or dance my fool head off. Sitting at my friend's house the other night at 3 AM...listening to his 500 different CD's...yeah, you read that right...reminded me of my passion for music. It was like every song that came on was this FLASH of something. Country songs that I hadn't heard since I lived in Texas and I wore Wranglers and cowboy boots...(oh PLEASE don't tell anyone that). Mariah Carey songs that I used to crank up in my room and sing at the top of my lungs...even the high notes...and occasionally, I'd hit them dead on. Jimmy Buffet songs that made me want a margarita and put on my flip flops and head to the beach. Barry White songs that made me want to....well....anyway. What I'm trying to say is...MUSIC...it stirs my soul. And I know that sounds SO cheesy, but it does. It inspires me. Makes me think about the world. Makes me think about the singers and the writers who wrote those songs and what was going on in their heads when they wrote them...what is going on in their heads when they sing them. Does the song evoke the same emotion as it does in me? What inspired THEM to write it? I could probably google and find out on some of them. But that would take away the wonder of it all. I think I'll go pull out my MP3s.
Life is really a cool journey if you think about it. And I'm all about the saying, "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." I always say...probably WAY too much...that everything that's happened to me has made me who I am. And I'm happy with who I am right now. I have this yearning though...for something...something more. I want to wake up every morning with that "something important" feeling. I want my heart to always feel full. I want my life to keep on growing. I want to keep slow dancing in the living room at 3 AM. I want to keep walking barefoot in the grass. I want to go back to the dock...let the cops try to stop me.
