This is something that I don't talk about...ever...until recently with a few select people, and now I will share with the rest of the universe. Because well...that's just what I do. Blab my business all over the world. Most of it anyway! ; ) For many years I thought that I could not have kids. A doctor told me that when I was 17 years old. You see...when I was 17 I had a really bad miscarraige. I will not put details here. It was traumatic and awful and this horrible doctor got in my face and told me that because it was so bad...forget ever having kids. So in the back of my mind...that stuck with me. Then I get steroids pumped in me which screw up my entire system and get AVN and I find out I have to have BOTH of my hips replaced. WOW...here I'm thinking. OK...Now I won't be able to carry a child because of that either! Now...there are many of you out there that would say, Gee, that's too bad...go adopt. Hmm. Let me tell you a little bit about me that not many people know.
My mother had me when she was barely 20 years old. From the time I was 4 years old it was me and my mom against the world. We were and are best friends. Soul mates. We share a connection that is stronger than any bond I've ever encountered. She knows what I'm thinking even when I'm a thousand miles away from her. I can tell what she is feeling just from a flick of her eyes. She has raised me to believe in myself. She has let me take my own falls, but been right there to pick me back up again. She has shown me what it's like to take joy in being a mother and a friend to your child. Because of her, my ENTIRE LIFE, I have wanted that. To be a mother. To have a child that I could call my own. To have a connection with. To breathe life into and raise up to be a good person. I know...it's every parent's dream to raise a child like that. I have DESPERATELY wanted to be able to do that. To be able to create a child with someone you love and care for and there's this tiny little being that is just the combination of the two of you! It's unbelievable to me!!!
So I go in for tests last week. A bunch of yucky tests. And today, I went back to the docs office for the news I've been wanting to hear since I was 17 years old.
There is NO physical reason why I can't have a child that they can tell. The doc who told me that when I was 17 was probably just trying to scare me and they did a damn good job of it. As for my hip replacements...I CAN carry a baby completely to term no problem. I just might have to have a C-section for delivery.
This was huge news. News I was not expecting to hear. I had completely prepared myself that I couldn't have kids. Even practically told people that I couldn't have them. Because I had believed that for so long. Mom and I went out into the lobby of the medical building and I just cried. I just stopped where I was and cried. And then I couldn't stop smiling. And I'm still smiling now. : ) The best thing about the whole thing was...my wonderful mom was there to hear that news with me. And if there does come a time when I'm blessed enough to have a baby...I hope she's right there with me the whole way!
Love to all as always,
~*MareBear*~
