My mind is jumbled. And I really have no idea how to explain that. Except to just say that it's jumbled with different thoughts. Of all different aspects of my life right now. The past...the present...and the future. Here are a few updates.
My teeth adventure is well underway. I'd say about 2-3 more weeks and I'll have my brand new smile. Meanwhile...I've lost a nice bit of weight seeing that I can only eat a tiny amount of food.
Mom is doing great...feeling great...looking great. That's great news. The other night, however, she got a little down. We were sitting out on the back porch and she said, "I think this cancer is going to kill me." That hit me like a ton of bricks. She talked to me about statistics. About Stage 4 breast cancer and about the possibilities of it becoming "immune" to the drugs that they give her. I didn't want to hear any of it. But I haven't been hearing any of it for 4 years. And here we are...Episode 3. I better start listening if I want to accept any of this. But a part of me is holding out for a miracle. Those still happen, don't they?
When I look at my future, I realize that if I want to move forward, I have to let go of my past...or at least certain parts of it...and that scares me. Makes me freeze. But slowly but surely...I'm letting go. And it feels ok. Scary...and sometimes sad...but sometimes good and ok. And when I think of what the future may hold, I can even feel some excitement. And when I look at what's right in front of my face...even though at first it scares me...and I want to say, no...this can't happen now...I want time to stand still...I want to STAY in my bubble of nothingness...I look at what's in front of me, and I say, ok...I can do this...I can get excited and be ok. It's OKAY to be excited about my life. It's OKAY to be a little bit afraid, but still keep moving ahead. Maybe that makes no sense...this is where things get all jumbled. I could get all specific...but then it would be even MORE jumbled. Ha...leave it to MareBear to go on a rant that makes no sense. All I'm saying is that things are happening for me...feelings are happening for me...and they are scary...but they are okay too. And for the first time in over a year and a half...I'm actually starting to look FORWARD to waking up in the morning. I made that promise to myself when I was first diagnosed with this screwed up disease. I made a promise that no matter what...I would get up out of bed every single morning. And I have kept that promise. But until now, that promise has been kept only because it has been that...a promise that needed to be fulfilled. Every morning, when I opened my eyes, I had to remind myself of that promise and drag myself out of bed. But lately...an amazing thing has happened. I've opened my eyes in the morning and gotten out of bed with a smile on my face because of hope...because of reasons other than a "have to" pull out of bed. And honestly...I should be jumping for joy (figuratively speaking). But I suppose that with everything that's gone on...I'm wondering when the proverbial axe is going to fall. Luckily though...that axe thought is in the back of my mind...and I'm not focusing on that as much as I may have a few years ago.
So...here I go...getting out of bed...kicking ass and taking names. I'm going to take my life on...scary or not. Because if I don't...what am I going to write about?
