So the doc called yesterday...or rather, his nurse. I answered the phone and she says, "Hey Mary, he wanted me to tell you that the surgery is set for March 1st, and you'll come in to see him on Feb. 21st and he'll explain everything to you then! See ya later, BYE!"
Ummmm!! WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wanted to scream in the phone!!! STOP STOP STOP! I don't want to DO THIS ANYMORE! Now that there's an actual DATE on this thing, now that this is actually HAPPENING, it's FREAKING ME OUT!!! The surgery itself doesn't bug me that much...I mean sure, who WANTS to be knocked out and sliced and diced? OK, I'm sure there are some of you out there who would sign up for that voluntarily, but this chick ain't one of em! But what I'm really freaking about is that this is the beginning of the whole THING. The surgeries and recoveries and well.....the UNKNOWN. See, right now, I KNOW what my limitations are. I KNOW what I can and can't do. I know exactly when to take a pain pill so that I can get through the day. But once all this stuff starts, I'm clueless. And THAT, my friends, leaves me out of control. And while I know that I just need to leave it God's hands and the docs hands...I DO NOT like being out of control of my own body and limitations.
So...here I am. Sitting here at the computer typing away thinking about a surgery that will take place exactly a month from today. And I'm scared. And I don't readily admit that often. I like to pride myself on being a strong person. Being the one that everyone can turn to in their time of need. Being the one that people can look to and say, "Look how brave she is!" And I'm feeling like a failure.
Lately, I've had to face a lot of things that have made me afraid. Not AFRAID exactly, but have put me completely out of my comfort zone. To be honest, the past month has been nothing but non-comfort-zone-ish for me. I've had to make some huge choices that were sad, exciting and scary that have been completely nervewracking. And I'm NOT used to that at all. I'm used to saying, NO...let someone ELSE make that choice. But someone pointed out to me recently that maybe it's because I'm getting these surgeries done, and because I'm living in a new house and have new friends and all these "new" things going on that maybe this is the start of a NEW ME. So, maybe this is my way of doing some new things. Like making tough choices that affected not only me but other people as well, and just about broke my heart. And doing things for myself that 6 months or a year ago I wouldn't have even DREAMT of doing! And decided FOR MYSELF that I was going to go ahead with a surgery that isn't guaranteed to work, but might give me a chance to prolong another surgery.
So...I'm just making choices. Tough ones, each in their own way. And I'm scared. Hard for me to say it, but here I am in front of all of you saying it. And that in itself is scary too. But hell, I'm on a roll.
Love to all always,
Mare
