Oldness

Lately...I've been feeling OLD. Not like, little-old-lady-hobbling-to-the-store-for-her-senior-discount old, but like...feeling-my-age old. It all started with listening to the CLASSIC rock station with G and hearing TONS of songs that were popular not too long ago. At least, I feel like it wasn't that long ago. I mean, Counting Crows, Stone Temple Pilots, Red Hot Chili Peppers, & Soundgarden aren't OLD are they? But then there's the fact that I realized I met G when I was 19 years old...and next month I'll be 26! I'm passing the halfway point of my twenties, on to *ahem* THIRTY! And G will be 30 in January. (Sorry, Babe!) Not to mention, my mom has recently reconnected with old friends from her old work here in Birmingham...and these people had children that I BABYSAT...and now they are in COLLEGE....and HIGHSCHOOL! And my BABY SISTER is a SOPHOMORE!!!!!!!! What is wrong with this picture?!? My baby COUSIN...even if she IS only a few months younger than me...has been married for FIVE YEARS! My other cousin...we used to go out every Thursday and Saturday night and dance the night away at the clubs...trying to hook up with as many guys as humanly possible. Now she's married with a baby GIRL! Not only do I feel OLD...but I feel like life is leaving me in the dust. I mean, don't get me wrong...this past year and a half has been WONDERFUL for my spirit, and I couldn't have become the woman that I am if I was married...or had children. So, in a way, I'm thankful for the path my life has taken. But here I sit...no career...no college education...no husband...and no kids. And none of that is looking like it will happen in the near future. But hey...every single one of those things COULD have happened...if I hadn't been lazy...or maybe if I had just gotten up one morning and said..."THIS is what I'm going to do about this." Now...I feel like the college education won't happen. Everyone says that it's not too late to go back to school...but it's daunting when I think that if I DID go back...I'd be 30 or older by the time I got out. And without a college education...I feel like I can't have a great career. Unless I write. And that's a WHOLE other ballgame. My brain keeps me from writing a bestseller. It tells me that I'm not good enough to do it. So I don't even START. Well, I shouldn't say I haven't started. I've started a million times. (Yes, Dad...you HAVE told me a million times not to exaggerate.) I've written outlines...I've even started chapters. I know what I want to write about...that's not the issue. The issue is getting through it. The issue is wrapping my head around the fact that I'm not writing a book. I'm just writing for myself. If I could get that into my head, I think I could get there. Marraige and kids...I can wait on that. My heart is finally back where I needed it to be. It's finally back with the person who had it all along. It's finally back with the person who healed it in the first place. So...I'm good with that for now. But I guess...I just feel like I'm getting older now...and I can't STOP it. I feel like I've wasted so much time. On just...nothing. And that's exactly what I have to show for those wasted years...nothing. So, will this "older" feeling finally be the thing that gets me off my ass and into gear? Who knows. So far...it's the only promising thing I have. There is SO much I want to do. Maybe that's the problem. Maybe I want to do SO much that I just don't know where or how to start. What I do know...is that I'll be 26 in a month...and my age is not going to wait on me to catch up. I suppose the only way to catch up is what I've been trying to do this past year...hike up the big girl panties...and take it one adult step at a time.