This is your brain....on Vaults

In the last 4 weeks the average American's consumption of hot dogs should have doubled...just because of my consumption of hot dogs alone. Because really...that's the only meat I can comfortably chew. And I cannot go a full day without consuming some sort of meat. The best kind are the Juicy Jumbos by Bryan. Send me stuff.

I can't bite my nails anymore because it hurts my teeth...so now my nails are kinda long...and pretty. What the hell is that about? Makes me look all girly and stuff. That's weird.

I cut all my hair off. It was long...down to my shoulder blades...now it's up to my chin. OK...so I got hot. Call Anderson.

I watched the first installment of Nightmares and Dreamscapes the other night on TNT. You know...the Stephen King thing. Yeah...I had read the book already. And...I mean...I have read almost EVERYTHING of SK's and enjoyed it...and I've also watched almost everything of his and enjoyed it. As hokey as it may be. However...N and D...this, Stephen, had to be the worst made for TV crap you've ever done. I mean seriously. I was totally disappointed. And it takes a LOT to disappoint me when it comes to visual entertainment. But hey...maybe I was going into the whole thing with high expectations. Whatever. I'll still DVR the next installments and look for some improvements. I mean, I'm not looking for it to live up to the book. I don't think anything that comes from a book and is put on the big or little screen EVER lives up to the original book...but I was thinking that MAYBE it would be somewhat entertaining. Ahh. Nightmares and Dreamscapes? More like Yawns and Snores. Sorry Stephen...ya know I love ya.

I honestly, truly...do not want to have my hip replacement surgery...for many reasons. I am in ignorance overdrive right now. Ignorance is bliss...until my hip starts killing me.

I want to do something out of this world fantastic for my birthday this year...like go to Europe and stay drunk for a week. Or go kangaroo piggy back riding in the Australian outback. Or go to the Bahamas with Denise and our personal masseuse Fredrico (and maybe never come home). Or go to some monastery and learn how to grab the stone from some dude's hand....grasshoppa. Who's with me?? WHO'S WITH ME????

What does it take to invent a new word? Like what avenue do you have to go down to get it in the dictionary and such? Because I want to invent a new word...no...I want to invent a new DICTIONARY. NO...no no no...I want to invent a new language. With punctuation marks and EVERYTHING.

I think each neighborhood should have a "shittiest week" contest. I think that each week you should have this big huge trash can...and every day, every single person in the entire neighborhood has to put a dollar in the trash can. I mean EVERY BODY...that means a dollar for every person in your household. And then...at the end of the week, you have a neighborhood grill out...fun times...burgers...beer. And you all sit around and tell about your week. And whoever had the SHITTIEST week...gets the trash can of money. But if one person gets it...then he can't get it for a whole 6 weeks again...that's the rule...it's only fair...unless he has one WHOPPER of another bad week or something...like he ran over a dog...only to find out that it was a seeing eye dog for his grandma or something...and his grandma couldn't afford another one...and he didn't have the money to buy her another one because he got suspended from his job because he was late for work because he ran over the damn seeing eye dog and killed it...so now he NEEDS the trash can of money CAN'T YOU SEE WHERE I'M GOING WITH THIS PEOPLE?!?!?! We need some community involvement. Some giving. Can't we all just get along? And get paid?


It really is a lot cooler with my hair shorter.