Ants Marching

I will never forget the first time I got drunk. I remember it so well because it happened on the same night that I went to my first "real" concert (we are SO not counting New Kids on the Block) and the same night that I had my first cigarette. OK...the same night I had my first 20 cigarettes. I was 14 years old and was back in Birmingham for the first time after moving to Texas. We were going to go see Dave Matthews Band at the Oak Mountain Amphitheater. This was back in the day when they still had "the lawn" and that's where WE were going to sit! Hell yeah. "The lawn," for those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, is basically a big grassy area above all of the seats in the amphitheater that you still have to pay to get a spot in, but you can freely mull about in. Sit wherever you want to. Get up and dance around. Act like a fool. Drink and form conga lines 20 people long. Spread blankets out and have a picnic while you enjoy the beauty of drunkeness and music. "The lawn" RULED!!! It was also where 14 year olds got college boys to buy them beer and give them cigarettes and the cops couldn't keep up with it. Needless to say..."the lawn" is no longer there. It has been filled in with more seats. *Sigh* Anyway...here was the crew...Mary Ann (my best friend), Frank, Jeremy, Matt, and Beth. Frank's dad and his friend drove us there in Frank's dad's car. All of us...in one car. Not a van...a car...a little BMW car. Keep that in mind for later. So we get there and Frank's dad and friend head backstage because the lucky dogs had passes...leaving us kids free to go wild by ourselves. Beth...the smart gal...had brought a water bottle full of vodka that we proceeded to chug before even entering the gates. *Note - To this day vodka is still my favorite booze.* Once inside we made our way to the lawn and found a prime spot. We could see the stage relatively well...we were close to friendly and already smashed college dudes...we were far away from cops...we were close to beer stands. Sweet. The next 3 hours were a blur of beer, cigarettes, and at one point I took off my shirt only to have Jeremy dive over me and put his shirt on me to keep me from totally losing my ever loving mind...or anything else for that matter. DMB totally rocked the house and by the end of the concert I found myself laid out on the lawn with my eyes closed hands laid out beside me and someone stepped on my hand. I opened my eyes. Matt was staring at me and light was bright above his head. For a moment...I thought that maybe I had died and Matt was God. Then...I realized that a cop was the one who had stepped on my hand. MMmmmmmk. Gotta get up now. Luckily for me, there were about 1000 other 14 year old drunk girls there, so he just told me to get up and leave. Not so luckily for me...Frank's dad and his friend were equally tanked. But did that stop him from taking 6 kids home in the back of his itty bitty BMW car? PFFT!! NO WAY MAN!! Where's your sense of adVENTURE?!?!? Managing this task required having everyone squeeze into the backseat and have me sit on Mary Ann's lap with my legs across everyone else. It was great fun until I heard sirens behind us. I freaked the flip OUT!!!!! I just knew I was about to be arrested for public drunkeness and my parents were still in Texas and they'd lock me up in Alabama forever and I'd never see them again and I wonder if that guy from Auburn really thought I was cute or if he was just really drunk oh but who cares I'm about to be thrown in the slammer and become some Big Bertha's Bitch and never see the light of day again! At this point I'm flailing my arms and I punched Mary Ann's nose. She screams. And then I saw the fire truck roar past. Frank's dad pulled into the nearest gas station to assess the situation in the backseat. He literally had to open the door and pull me out by grabbing me under my arms. He set me down on the curb at the gas station. I looked over at Mary Ann and her nose was bleeding. Man...I did that. I looked down at the ground ashamed of myself. I saw ants crawling by the curb. Ants. Ants marching. ANTS MARCHING!! Oh my gosh!! Dave Matthews sings Ants Marching!!! This was a profound situation!!! I had discovered something incredibly meaningful and hilarious and I was cracking up so hard I could barely breathe. Mary Ann, however, did not seem to find the humor in it. Hmm.

When all was said and done, I was incredibly sick for most of the night and had a MAJOR hangover the next morning. One of those, "I will NEVER drink another drop of alcohol again!" hangovers. Ha...ha...HA! Fun times! Now the Oak Mountain Amphitheater is the Verizon Wireless something or other...and there is no "lawn." I have not seen Dave Matthews since. But I have seen vodka.

Rock on Dave...keep those ants marching.